“My male friend who I thought was a friend is now confessing his love to me…”

Some men have a hard time expressing their true feelings due to their fear of rejection and/or losing the woman’s trust after he expresses his true feelings for her. So he strategically disguises his romantic interest by using “friendship” as a smokescreen. This malicious act suggests that he’s aware that friendship is the foundation in which successful relationships are based, however, he’s not giving you the opportunity to decide whether you’d like to remain associated with him after discovering his romantic interest in you. Instead he’s giving you a false sense of security, and doesn’t mind doing so. It’s likely that the woman is genuinely interested in only having a friendship as it gives her a sense of companionship without being romantically involved and potentially experience heart break, however the guy has other plans in mind.

With the exception of one or both parties being currently in a relationship of their own, a man waiting months/years to express his feelings towards you can be looked at as either an act of cowardice (if he is genuinely shy or intimidated) or an act of dishonesty/deceit (if his true intentions were to get closer to you sexually all along. The things you’ve shared with him, the time you’ve spent, the people you’ve introduced him to, etc were under the preconceived notion that he was a true friend. All the while, this was apart of his devious plan to strike when you’re in your most vulnerable state. A man knows whether he is interested in pursuing a woman sexually before he even meets her. Certain circumstances though might’ve caused him to not act on the attraction initially (i.e. You were involved, he was involved, you placed him in the “friend zone” and he didn’t know how to get out, he’s intimidated, etc)

A straight man has no desire to be “just friends” with a woman. When it comes to females, men use friendship as a way to get closer to a woman for personal gain (i.e. Her money/resources, sex, and sometimes even a relationship). They want the warmth and the comfort of a woman, and they want that from you either short-term or long-term. A man who holds himself with any high regards won’t actually spend months or years pursuing a woman in hopes for a relationship. At most, he’ll stick around that long solely for the opportunity to sleep with you.

The sexual interest never dies (unless something has changed in your physical appearance. Otherwise, no matter how many years pass by, he will always be ready, willing, and available for sex whenever you are.  A man who holds himself with high-esteem will more than likely view you as someone who took him for granted and didn’t see the value in him for all these years, so if you give yourself to “this” man, he’ll gladly have sex with you, but nothing further will transpire. His pride won’t let you have the victory.

On the other hand, the man with low self-esteem who’s been literally chasing you for the entire duration of your friendship will gladly consider you for a relationship and overlook the reality that he was never a first option and is now a last resort. He’s desperate and he’s not ashamed of it. If you didn’t see anything in his when you first met him, or the years you’ve known each other, don’t convince yourself that he miraculously that man for you now. Once you give yourself to him, he will do any and everything in his power to keep you, almost in an overbearing, controlling, clingy kind of way.  Enter this relationship at your own risk.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

The Reason Why Men Cheat…

“The Reason Why Men Cheat!” <<<<< YouTube Video

Cheating isn’t gender specific; it starts in a person’s heart, not in their pants. A cheater will cheat no matter what they’ve got at home. A person’s decision to be unfaithful has less to do with you, than it does with what’s going on inside of them; it’s a disease (if you will). A disease that can only be cured by maturity, growth, and perhaps a good taste of his own medicine. We sometimes find ourselves in situations where we’re unhappy, and we want to find a solution to this problem. A man of substance will take the higher road and talk to his partner about it, or leave the relationship, while a man of poor character will take the low road and outsource. There is no excuse for cheating and there is no one to blame but one’s self for doing so; cheating shows a lack of respect for the relationship and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Whether things are going well in the relationship or not, if your man makes the decision to cheat, his actions don’t indicate that it’s you that’s making him cheat, his actions show that he is simply dishonest, disloyal, selfish, and have no respect for himself, you, or the relationship. Cheating is a huge reflection of one’s character. You can get a pretty good idea of a person’s character based on a number of things (i.e. The place you met them and under what circumstances, the company they keep, their upbringing, their male influences, their relationship with both their mother and their father, their experience in their past relationships, just to name a few).

It’s important that you take the time to truly get to know a person before you allow yourself to get too emotionally attached to them. The signs of a cheater are more clear that you think; you simply have to know what signs to look for. Ideally, you’ll have to get to know a man’s heart to be certain. The average cheater has an abundance of options, and if he is not reached a high level of maturity, he will without a doubt entertain those options. Always remember that relationships aren’t for everybody, relationships are for the ready, and a person who cheats clearly isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship.

Plainly put… cheaters are spoiled; they want what they want when they want it, and they won’t have it any other way. They’re opportunist and they love the idea of trying new things, experiencing new thrills, and living for the moment! You’ve seen a spoiled child in action when he/she doesn’t get their way; they’ll go and do something to compensate for the attention the parent isn’t giving them. It’s not that the parent doesn’t love the child, it’s not that the parent doesn’t provide the child with everything they need, it’s simply that the child wants more! The same theory applies to men; he could have the best woman at home, have the best life at home, but because he is never satisfied, he has to go out and seek more!

If a man cheats on you once, it’s because he allowed it to happen. If a man cheats on you twice, it’s because you allowed it to happen. Once a man shows you that he doesn’t respect himself, you can’t expect him to treat you any better. Cheating is the ultimate sign of disrespect, and it should not go without consequences. Once you take a cheater back, you’re letting him know that know matter what he does, he will always be welcome back.

One thing women have to realize is that men are master strategist; he may not be the best at hiding things, but he is a master at implementing them. Anything a man wants in life, he will go after, and he will achieve it. When a man seeks out a woman, he strategizes; he evaluates himself and where he’s at financially, emotionally, and spiritually, and then he targets women whose esteem is low enough to accept him in his current state. What this means is, if he’s a man of poor character, he’s going to bypass women of substance because he’s not a man of substance. He instead is going to target a woman whom he knows will settle for any man, just so long as he doesn’t appear to be someone that could hurt her.

It’s sad when women take men back from cheating, because they don’t quite understand that he was planning on cheating on you before he even met you. Maybe I can put it in another way… he never had plans to be loyal to you in the first place; you were merely a stepping stone in his life. When a man is finally ready to settle down, he will have gotten all the promiscuity out of his system and is ready for something more! As a woman, you have to know and understand when a man is ready, but more importantly when he is not. Many times the sex can be so good that a man will hold onto you just to have easy access to unlimited sex.

A lot men agree to relationships just so that no one else can have access to you; it’s a selfish move, but this is what some men do. Meanwhile, as you wait at home twiddling your thumbs, he’s out screwing any and everything moving. You were set up for failure from the very beginning. Maybe it was your dangerous curves, mind blowing sex, your loaded bank account, or your ability to get him exposure in a particular field that caught his attention, but whatever it was, it wasn’t love. This is why it’s extremely important to properly get to know a person because it grants you the opportunity to measure what it is he values, and to also see if he truly values you.

When it comes to cheaters, all he needs is a reason, and that will be all the fuel he needs to be disloyal. There is no way to avoid being cheated on, but you can avoid allowing him to be a repeat offender. Know your worth and don’t settle for a man who blatantly disrespects you and your relationship. By standing your ground and letting him know that you will not tolerate his behavior, you regain your position of power, and you also gain his respect. Nothing hurts a man more than being left by a woman, so if he hurts you by cheating, you return the favor by walking away.

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-AskCheyB

Q: I met a nice guy, we went on 1 date & I’ve fallen in love! But he doesn’t contact me anymore! What do I do?

Q: I met a very nice guy that I’ve dated & he told me how much he likes me & thought I was really a smart person, but after our first date I didn’t see him again but we do text each other once in a while. I usually start the conversation & its killing me, I have fallen in love for this one person & I dont know what to do. I would really like to see him again & I’m afraid if I ask it might look like im throwing myself to him? What can one do when in such a situation?

A: Act like a lady… Think Like a Man. – Steve Harvey. Men live their lives based on logic and reason. Women live their lives based on the way they’re feeling emotionally (love). If you want to be with a man, you have got to start thinking like one. So right now we’re about to put on our “male thinking cap” and think like a man and look at all these signs that are crystal clear. Let’s start with you falling in love with this young man after going on one date and not hearing from him. On the first date, men usually are on their best behavior, so evaluating his true character will take multiple encounters even if this was the best date of your life. If this was the best date you’ve ever had, then take it for just that… “The best date of your life”.

You may have felt “the love” between the two of you, but one date is not enough time for a man or a woman to decide whether or not he/she is in love. If you’re able to fall in what you to believe to be “love” after one encounter with someone, you certainly need to step far away from men, and spend as much quality time with “yourself” and begin to love yourself. While you’re on this journey to loving yourself, you will see that it can take an infinite amount of time to truly love yourself. And you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. So steer clear of men until you’ve reached that mark, otherwise you could find yourself being heavily manipulated or hurt by a man who might take advantage of this vulnerable state of yours.

But let’s talk about “Lover Boy” here. He is showing you how much he’s interested in you (or the lack thereof) by “texting” you after your first date.

A man who’s genuinely interested in developing a real relationship with a woman will call her and make sure that he has her full/undivided attention. And he’s making/taking the time to give her the same. To a man… it doesn’t matter how much of a great time you guys had while you were together. Men try their best to make sure that they’re having a great time with every woman he wants to sleep with. It’s a strategy! And it by no means insists that he wants anything more from you than a “rump in the sack”.

Texting is so easy to do. It’s the phone conversation that requires genuine interest. <<< Write that down!!! Sure, you guys had a great time on the date… but he’s not calling you. That’s all it was (to him) was a good time on the date. If/when he’s ready for you… he will contact you. In the mean time, he’s focusing his energy on another woman who will give him sex “now”. Men love to chase… and if he’s not chasing you, that means you will be nothing more to him than a convenience… Someone who’s available whenever he’s ready to do whatever.

Right now he’s got you wanting him more than he wants you… and I’m sure he realizes that… so he’s taking his sweet time getting to you… because he can. If you are a quality woman, you can have many guys that you “really like” and want to see again. And you should have many options on deck. When you’re ready to commit, you drop those options off and stick to that one guy who adds the most value to your life. The man you choose should be the one who competes for your time and attention the most, and treats you the best. Unfortunately, the man in question is not that into you and there’s nothing you can do to change that at this point. He has to want to see more of you and speak to you more from the very beginning, and that’s not the case here.

He told you how much he likes you and how smart you were with his mouth. Here’s a tip:

“Never listen to a man’s (whom you are emotionally involved with) words… follow his actions. <<< This will prevent you from putting in time/energy/effort into something that’s going nowhere.”

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-AskCheyB

The Pros & Cons of Long Distance Relationships…

Let’s be honest… You meet people where you meet people, and you fall in love with who you fall in love with. The person you fall in with could live anywhere on the planet, and wherever they are… that’s where your heart is. No matter where that man/woman goes, you want to stay connected because they have a special place in your heart and you don’t ever want to let it go. Sure you’re not able to hug, kiss, touch, and (insert whatever thoughts you may have here _________________ lol), but those things aren’t the driving forces behind your love for this person. You love this person because of the way he/she made you feel “inside”. No matter there distance away from you, you still have that “feeling” inside.

The “option” of living within driving distance of the person you love is not always an option. No matter where you meet that person though, it’s important that you get to know the person (inside and out) and start your relationship off as friends. When you start things off as friends, you allow enough space and opportunity for things to grow (organically) without any pressure. Leading solely with your emotions can set you up for heartbreak in the event you get too emotionally attached prior to knowing/understanding each other’s position in life.

Whether you live right next door or thousands of miles away from one another, you can still bring joy to one another’s lives, and if the two of you are determined to stay committed to a long distance relationship, it will in fact work. It’s important though to be honest with yourself and your partner from the beginning. If you know in your heart that the distance between you two will be too challenging for you, it’s better to salvage the friendship that you have, than to commit to a relationship that you won’t be able to stay fully committed to.

Weigh out the pros and the cons before you make it official. While committing to a relationship that’s long distance may provide a sense of comfort in knowing that you “have somebody”, you also have to consider the challenges that come with not being able to enjoy the person physically. Relationships are designed to be spent “together”. Long distance relationships can keep you from not only seeing your partner, but it also restricts you from enjoying the people in close proximity who may also be romantically interested in you.

There are some things that can be done from afar that can keep the excitement going (i.e. phone conversations, texting, emailing, and even webcam). If you’re going to use the methods I’ve just mentioned, there also has to be a balance in between. Visiting one another at least once per month can help balance things out, but this all depends on the individual(s). You have to know your partner, and you have to know whether or not they are mature enough to handle these challenges and get through them with you.

When it comes to men and relationships, one of the main reasons why men commit is because they no longer have to worry about where their regular dosage of sex is coming from. If his significant other is in another state… he then does have to worry about where his regular dosage of sex is coming from. Depending on the guy, this could cause a problem, so again, know the type of man you’re dealing with. A man who has options will in fact explore his options if “you” are not an option.

“Hope” and “faith” is the driving force between making a long distance relationship work, but don’t live on hope and faith alone. Be honest with yourself and with your partner, and don’t be afraid to let go for the sake of the friendship or potential growth between you two (as a couple) in the future. There a millions of men in this world and you only need “one”. With the exception of marriage and if there are kids involved, seek someone who lives in close proximity to you so that you have a better chance at love.

A person who lives within driving distance from you can provide you with the love, affection, and regular attention that you want and need. We are all human and long to share our worlds with another person, and become closer with them, grow with them, and build a future with them. Put yourself in the best position to give love and receive love by finding someone within your reach who can/will appreciate it and reciprocate.

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-AskCheyB

Ways to increase black marriages world wide…

Black women have been through it all, and while I understand why a woman may sometimes be forced to assume the position of the male, it’s ok to let a man step in and reclaim that position. Being in a relationship with a man of any race though will require a bit of “role playing”. Role playing benefits both parties, and it can also be lots of fun if everyone stays in character.

Man: “Hey babe, why don’t you let me assume the role of the man? I’ll protect you, provide for you, and I’ll lead our family on the right path.”

Woman: “That sounds great! Why don’t you let me assume the role of the woman? I’ll care for you, nurture you, and take care of our home.”

These roles are the roles you play for one another. You still get to keep your friends, your job, your independence, but by bringing all of these components together, you become “interdependent”. You add value to one another’s lives while also reminding each other that you value the role that he/she play in “your” life. “Submission” is the key here. Being vulnerable to one another. For the woman, allowing the man to take some of the responsibilities that you’ve grown accustomed to off of your shoulders. For the man, allowing the woman to hold the key to your heart.

While every demographic experiences their own struggles, they pale in comparison to a black woman’s struggles. And with this, they find it much easier to submit as they have less to prove through a fight for independence.

As a black woman fighting for independence, you spend a lifetime trying to be seen, heard, appreciated, respected, and acknowledged. Submitting to a man to the black woman may feel like “I’m starting all over, giving up my freedom, fading into the background… again”. On the contrary, when you meet a good man who appreciates a strong, black woman, he’ll respect you for all of your accomplishments, and he’ll want to add value to your life by making sure that anything burdensome from that point on falls on his shoulders, while you finally sit back, relax, and enjoy being a woman.

Lack of submission causes tension and additional stress to the relationship. It’s a cold/hard world for men, and the one place a man goes to get away from the harshness of the world is his home. When a man comes home, he wants peace and serenity, and the people under the same roof should share that same sentiment. While he’s out protecting and providing for you/the family, make home the best place on earth for him to be.

When a man is absent from your life, the woman should act as a “substitute” for a protector and a provider until a worthy man comes along to reclaim that position. When a worthy man comes along and asks for this position, open your heart, be vulnerable, and let him have this place in your heart and in your life. The number one reason why black men date outside of their race and overlook the black women they see everyday is because black women are reluctant to submit to their man. With role playing, black couples can work together more effectively and aim towards building loving, caring, and prosperous relationships with one another, which will lead to more black marriages, black families, and black unity!

All the blame can/won’t be placed on the black women. To the black men, when you have that special lady, incorporate and maintain “The 7 Habits of highly Effective Relationships” (According to AskCheyB). Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Apply these basic principles to your life and witness change.

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-AskCheyB

Q: Me and this guy had sex, and the experience was not good. Ever since then, I haven’t heard from his since. What should I make of this?

Q: Me and this guy had sex, and the experience was not good. Ever since then, I haven’t heard from his since. What should I make of this?

A: Although birth and sex are typically a woman’s most valued treasures, a woman’s mind is the most valuable possessions a woman has. Her ability to use her mind to maintain control over men and situations are simply amazing, but only if/when she realizes the gift that she has, and uses it to remain in control. You have more to fear from dealing with a man who wants access to your mind than with your body. A man who wants access to your body is clearly seeking physical pleasure. A man who wants access to your mind is after more! How much more is totally ambiguous.

Even if a man doesn’t value your body for what it’s truly worth, then as a woman “you” should. A man can’t get inside of you unless you let him, so if you’re going to allow a man to come into your personal space and be intimate with you, then it should be with a man you love, trust, and respect and who reciprocates these same things. When you involve yourself with a man who loves you, you trust him, and he respects you, you won’t have to worry about him abandoning you when things don’t go perfectly, because if he loves & respects you, it’s evident that it’s not in his character to do so.

You also won’t have to worry about the sex being bad, because the sex you have “together” will be based on the things you’ve grown to like “with each other”. It’s “exclusive” and incomparable to any other experience. You’ll love the way he kisses you, the way he touches you, the way he makes love to you, and you’ll have an appreciation for the way “he” romances you. And if there’s anything that you don’t like about the sexual experience you’re having together, you can talk to each other about it and challenge one another to make your sexual experience with one another better.

This is the consideration that one has for the person they love, trust, and respect. Love, trust, and respect isn’t developed over night and it’s not handed out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. It’s earned! And just as love, trust, and respect is earned, the privilege of having sex with you should be earned as well. If you don’t set any standards or make any requirements for a man to meet prior to having sex with you, a man will sleep with you and totally disregard you and your feelings because whether you realize it or not, he has lost all respect for you. He’s already reached the ultimate form of pleasure with you and has no reason to return unless he wants more sex with no strings.

Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies. When you give your body to a man who hasn’t earned that privilege, you leave behind a legacy of being someone whose fast, easy, and doesn’t respect herself. As a woman, you should never want to be remembered by anybody in this world in that light.  You have a future ahead of you and you don’t want your past to come back and haunt you. Always carry yourself with dignity and respect, place value on your body and only give yourself to a man who is deserving of it.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater… until “he” chooses otherwise!

A person cheats because it’s in their heart to do so. Cheating begins in your heart, not in your pants. The heart of a cheater is formed by a multitude of things that go far beyond any one person’s reach. It’s deep rooted inside of them way back from early childhood. If/when a man stops cheating, it will be because he is tired of doing what he’s always been doing and getting what he’s always got. He is now learned from his experience, and has grown/matured into a man who is ready to either be single, or commit himself to a serious monogamous relationship.

If it’s in a person’s heart to cheat, then it’s totally out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to make a cheater start or stop cheating. Cheating is an act of personal choice and is embedded in a person’s character based on their upbringing, their male influences, and the morals, values, and principles they live by.  If you sense signs of your significant other being a cheater, remove yourself from that relationship. By leaving, you make him aware that you’re aware of his lifestyle and that you are not going to tolerate it. He will realize what he’s lost and either continue to play the field as a single bachelor, try and play the next woman with his games, or grow up and act like a responsible adult for the next woman he encounters. But “you” be sure not to give him any second chances.

If after seeing signs of your significant other’s infidelity from a recent relationship or through you, you still entertain him, you are asking for a double dose of heartache and pain. When a person shows you who they are, believe them! Do not hope to find something in them other than the person they’ve already shown you up front. That is a fool’s game.

You may be a wonderful woman with great qualities, but those great qualities that you possess are only enough to make a cheater “entertain” you. It won’t be enough to make him “not” entertain other women.  By you being the best woman you can be for this man, you will only slow his cheating down, but that won’t eliminate his urges to cheat completely. Being monogamous is a decision he has to come to on his own because once those urges come back up, you will find yourself falling victim to the very things he showed you he was capable of doing.

The only defense to this is knowing where his heart is, what principles he lives by, and what morals and values he has (if any). Get to know your partner, dig deep into his past, talk to him about his past relationships, his relationship with his parents, friends, and male influences. The for information you have about him, the better you can protect yourself.

Yes! Never allow your man to get too comfortable or to get set in a routine. Keep him on his toes for LIFE, but stay true! He’ll be so concerned with “your” next move, that he won’t be as interested or able to focus on making moves of his own (w/ another woman). Instead, he’ll dedicate his life trying to conquer you. He’ll be under your spell.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

Q: “Why are us women attracted to the WRONG type of guys?”

Q: “Why are us women attracted to the WRONG type of guys?”

A: The good guy is the man you “need”… to grow with, have a long lasting (meaningful) relationship with, build a family with, and everything else in between. He’s got his priorities in order, puts family first, loves you/cares for you, and would let nothing come between you and his family. He’s respectful, loving, honest, loyal, trustworthy, supportive, and he communicates well. He plays everything by the book and offers a great deal of security. <<< This is what I call I man of substance. Some women aren’t yet mature enough to see the value in this type of man, and that’s ok.

Yes, he’s predictable… and for most… that becomes an issue. So get all the immaturity out of your system while you’re young. Deal with as many bad boys as you need to so that you can later prepare yourself for the good guy. The good guy lasts the longest… but you’ve got to be ready for him. Now the bad boy is the man you “want” for adventure/excitement! He’s unpredictable, he offers a thrill, he has an edge that turns you on!!! All the passion he has inside from living such a challenging/rebellious lifestyle comes out in the bedroom and you love it!!! You can’t get him to settle down, you’re never sure if you’re the only one, you can’t control, predict, or manipulate his next move, so it becomes a challenge to turn this “bad boy” into the “good guy”. <<<< Which you’ll never do.

The challenge to make him do a “180” can last for years!!! With the good guy, he’s almost “perfect” on paper, so there’s little to no work that needs to be done with him. And because of this… a woman may get bored and take him for granted. So what a woman will do is… she’ll first try and get the “good guy” to be “edgy” and do something adventurous and/or exciting because she saw someone else’s relationship offering such, or she saw something exciting/adventurous on TV, or out in the world!!! Something that she doesn’t get in her relationship, no matter how “content” she may be.

If getting him to do something exciting/adventurous seems forced or doesn’t quite meet her standards… She “outsources” by doing something adventurous (i.e. going to a strip club, taking a vacation and flirting/sleeping with someone she knows in that city or just met just for the rush… (and tell only her girls about it). Or get a boy toy on the side who offers nothing but a romantic or sexual fantasy!!! Something she could never get from the “perfect” (by the book) man she’s got at home. The good guy offers “routine”.

The bad boy offers “whatever’s clever”. The wrong guy (bad boy) brings out the bad in you!!! Everyone likes excitement and adventure! So while you may not be able to hold onto that excitement/adventure forever… we all look for a taste every now and then… and hope that the person we have at home can offer it to us. The bad boy should be used for exactly what he’s good for… Temporary satisfaction. Find yourself a good guy, appreciate him, grow with him. Thank me later 😉

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Q: It’s been 4 years, no ring, we live together, and now his sister moved in. What should I do?

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for approximately 4 years, I’ve known him for about 14 years, and we are currently living together. He has yet to propose to me, and I’m not getting any younger. He is in his 20’s, and he has a sister in her 30’s who he cares for deeply because they lost their mother at a very young age. <<< This has made them inseparable and he pretty much takes care of her! I’ve lived with them both for 2 years, she’s nothing but a leach, and my boyfriend has allowed her to sit around, lounge, eat, no job, etc. In the beginning of the year, my boyfriend and I finally moved into our own place, but as of last month, she moved back in with the same crap. I have no peace, no freedom of speech, and anytime I make mention of her and her behavior, it causes an argument between my boyfriend and I. What should I do?

A: A man knows whether or not he is interested in marrying the woman he is with during the first year of being with her. Once he feels this way about you, he will put you through tests simply to be sure that you are worth him fully giving his heart to. It does not take a man 4 years to figure out whether or not his is genuinely interested in marrying a woman. After 4 years together and no marriage plans, he is completely comfortable!!! So comfortable that as long as you don’t say anything, he can/will continue living life being nothing more than a boyfriend to you until “he” gets tired of you. And once he gets tired of you, he will replace you and not feel bad about doing so because the two of you aren’t married and more importantly there’s no love left at this point.

If you continue to wait for this man to propose to you, the type of marriage you’re going to end up with is an, “I only married her to shut her up” type of deal. He won’t be marrying you because it’s in his heart to do so. Believe me when I tell you, if it was in his heart to marry you, you’d be married by now. He is content with living his life, and having someone at home that he can sleep with consistently. If he does want to be married, it’s certainly not with you because you haven’t portrayed yourself to be someone he can grow with. You’re too easy!!!

You may not realize this but… you’re already married, you just never got a ring and a wedding. You’re sexing him, moved in with him, put up with his no good sister, committed to him, etc. <<<< All this and you’ve got no ring, no house, no kids… NOTHING to prove that he is in any way shape or form committed to this journey we call a relationship except for “Will you be my girlfriend? Will you have sex with me unprotected? Will you move in with me? Will you put up with my annoying sister?” <<<< And you’ve settled for this!!!

You both lose with this arrangement. You’re holding each other back!!! He’s not growing with you because you haven’t required that he be a man, take care of home, take care of his woman, and plan a future. And you’re not growing with him because he’s not requiring that you (as a woman) respect yourself, value your time/energy/effort, and know your worth. He’s simply using you as a convenience for as long as you’re willing to allow him.

He’s only in his 20’s and you’ve known him for 14 years, so he’s seen you before, you’ve seen him, yall have interacted before, etc. After 14 years, he’s “used to you” and now he’s bored. He’s seen you too much and he’s heard from you too much. The “spark” is GONE!!! That spark comes in the “beginning” of the relationship. And since the two of you have known each other for such a long time, it’s easy for that relationship to lose it’s luster very very quickly. In other words… he got with you not because he was head over heels for you, but because you were just “something to do”. <<< More than likely that something to do was “sex”. And while having sex with you, he wanted to keep you all to himself, so he committed. And while his intentions were to simply have you as a convenience… he got caught up and now his feelings are involved. So now he has “feelings” for you, but he does not “love” you. There’s a difference. Sex will be the extent in which he is willing to go with you. Marriage is not even an option (in his book) at all!!!

Right now he’s in a situation where he is already in love with a woman. And that woman is his sister… not you! So in this case, “you” come second. You need to find yourself a man who has room in his heart to put you first. You won’t win the battle between you and his sister. He will choose his blood every time.

Here is my advice to you. Stop moving in with men!!!! Moving in with a man is suggestive that you are preparing to share your world, share your life together, and build a future together. And this privilege should not be given to just any and everybody! It should be given to the “worthy” (your husband). There are an abundance of stages you should go through before reaching this point (i.e. Dating, conversation, meeting the parents, engagement). You gave this man too much… too soon… and for too cheap!!!

Don’t waste another day in this relationship. Do not look forward to a future with this man even if he proposes to you with a ring and marriage plans “today”! That ship has sailed.

Sit your boyfriend down and let him know that you are moving out and moving on within the next 30 days. If he asks why, let him know that you are not satisfied with being in a relationship for all these years and no marriage plans, and that you are not comfortable living with his sister, and that you can do better than what he’s offering. Now this isn’t a conversation designed for him to finally take charge and do better. This is an “exit” conversation designed for you to walk away and give him closure. So do not allow him to sweet talk you into coming back. You’ve tried this thing out for 4 years and you have nothing at all to show for it. It’s time to move on!!!

Wish him and his sister the best of luck, and continue living your life. You can move out immediately if you’d like, but still be courteous and cover your portion of the rent. But make sure you move out of that apartment ASAP and get your own ASAP, take a break from relationships for as long as you need to, and begin working on yourself. Focus on saving up money, securing your future, and bettering yourself as a person. And this has nothing to do with you “not getting any younger”. This has everything to do with your current boyfriend not having it in his heart to want to grow with you. So you need not waste your time. The next time around, know what you want from a person from the very beginning, and make it clear to the person you’re getting to know what you require from your next relationship. Otherwise, you may fall into this same cycle yet again. Good luck 😉

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

“Positive Tuesday’s” (Post Your Relationship Success Stories)

You hear it everywhere you go, throughout the media, at work, at the store, when you’re out with your friends, people are always talking about how there are no good men left, or how bad their relationship with their significant other has turned out to be. As a Life & Relationship Coach, my goal is give people the tools they need to make better decisions (based on generally accepted principles) for themselves, which in turn will help them make better decisions in their personal and professional relationships.

Every Tuesday, I want to hear your success stories. I want to hear how happy you are in your relationship, how satisfied you are with your significant other, how much you value the friendship you’ve built with together, and how much LOVE is amongst the two of you. Does your relationship possess  “The 7 habits of highly effective relationships” (According to AskCheyB)? Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. The odds are against us, but on “Positive Tuesday’s” we are going to BEAT those negative odds. Who’s with me? Post your success stories today!!! If you’ve been able to find success through a session we’ve had, feel free to mention how I’ve been able to help you as well.

If you are not in a positive relationship, I encourage you to continue to work on being positive (yourself) and working on bettering yourself. Your time will come. In the mean time, reach out to someone you know who’s in a happy/healthy relationship or marriage, and ask them to post their story. Let’s work together on this; we don’t have enough successful relationship stories in our lives, so I encourage you to share these blog with everyone you know, so that the people in happy/healthy relationships can give us all hope for the future.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB