Letting Go Of Fear!

We have a short gap of time to live on this earth and leave our mark on the world. We’re born, we’re raised, we live our lives, and then we die leaving behind memories that hopefully keep our spirits alive. There’s only but so much a person can do within 100 years, but it’s exciting to see all that we can aspire to accomplish during this time. Your purpose here on this earth isn’t to fulfill the pleasures for a man or to be a slave to another human being, no! Your purpose is to spread love and do it more abundantly!

Fear is something we all face at some point in our lives and sometimes prevents us from reaching our fullest potential. You may find yourself being afraid to let a man get close to you after you’ve had your heart broken. The might be afraid of losing your job; a job that you hate anyway, but you need it to pay your bills. You may even find yourself being afraid of stepping out in the world on your own and gaining your independence. Fear can place a roadblock right between you and your destiny, and it’s up to you to believe in yourself, face your fears, and overcome them.

No one is perfect so it’s ok to get out there, take a chance, experience life, and even make mistakes while you’re at it. Feel free to use your family, your friends, and the people of the world as your guide and learn from their experiences. A fool learns solely from his own experiences; the wise learn from that and the experiences of others. Getting insight from others will in fact prevent you from experiencing certain things you’ll be more than happy to avoid. Always keep an open mind and welcome those who offer insight that could be beneficial to your life.

There are so many places to go, so many people to meet, so many things to see and they’re all within your grasp if you simply believe that you can achieve it. If you desire to be married to a loving, honest, respectable man who protects and provides for you, you can certainly make it a reality if you work towards that goal. If you desire to have a family and travel the world, this too is achievable if you set goals and set out to achieve them. One thing is for certain though; you can’t achieve your goals if you don’t set any!

If you want to travel the world, stop making excuses for why you can’t, and start figuring out a way that you can. If you want to have a husband and a family, let go of your fear of being hurt by someone else and be open to loving again! If you want to become an entrepreneur and take control of your finances, don’t be afraid to invest in yourself and be the best at what you do. There’s no one in this world that can stop you from being your own boss, traveling the world, and having a loving husband and family to tag along for the ride. The only thing standing in your way is you!

Before you know it, this short life will be over, you’ll look back on your accomplishments, and you want to be able to say “I am happy with the way I lived my life!” That’s what life is all about… building relationships and leaving behind legacies! If you’re miserable at the job you’re working at now, let go of your fear and come up with a way to gain your freedom! If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, free yourself, explore the world on your own, and be willing to open yourself back up to the new possibilities of love. If you’re unhappy with the neighborhood you’re living in, decide your ideal location, plan an exit strategy, then get up and MOVE!!!

Before all of this technology existed, there was just people, plants, and wild life; now we have tall sky scrapers, planes flying in the sky, cars driving on the roads, computers, cell phones, you name it. All of these things came to existence because someone, somewhere had a vision or an idea, and they took the steps they needed to make it a reality. Steve Jobs is one of the most influential men who lived in our time; he’s no longer with us, but because of the decisions he made with his life, he made a difference in the world that will live forever. Steve Jobs didn’t have anything that’s not available to you or anyone else in the world. What Steve Jobs did was he let go of fear, and sought out to do something that no one else in the world had done.

This too can be you! You can create a blueprint for your life and for your relationships, and you can build upon it day by day until you’ve yielded your perceived results. Success is measured by one’s ability to reach his/her goals, so if you want to be successful, set goals and work towards making your dreams a reality. Don’t allow your life to pass you by, and be left with nothing to show for it; believe in yourself, make the best of your life, and be proud of your accomplishments.

Many times we are our worst enemies! The only thing holding us back from leaving a terrible relationship, a terrible job, or a terrible living situation is you! It’s time to let go of fear and start living for the moment! Open your heart, open your mind, and get ready to explore everything this world has to offer. The sky is the limit, so let go of your fears and get ready for success in your personal and professional life.

If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please visit my new website and connect with me on all of my social networks! www.askcheyb.com

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Black Men: Plan To Be A Better Father

For years a man can live his life irresponsibly, and for a while, it’s exciting and feels worthwhile to live life without a worry or a care. But there comes a time in every man’s life where he decides he wants more for his life and his legacy, he wants to be a contribution to society and add value to the lives of others. These epiphanies normally come when he’s experienced some sort of tragedy in his life that humbles him (i.e. Death in the family, a bad break-up, loss of a job/place of residence, etc). One of the most powerful influences that drive a man towards maturity and growth is Fatherhood.

A mother/son relationship is the closest a man will ever come to experiencing unconditional love; that is until he meets his first child. When a child is born, he/she knows no one except for the people who are there, and that child inevitably grows to know & love those two people as their parents. When a man stays connected to his child, it becomes almost impossible for him to disconnect; once he feels the unconditional love his child has for him, he’ll never want to let it go.

Men are capable of completely disconnecting emotionally while being active sexually with a woman, however pregnancy and the birth of a child are very emotional places for a man. When considering the well-being of a child, it’s important that the parents have an ongoing happy/healthy relationship with one another that’s filled with what I call “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships” [Respect, love, trust, honesty, loyalty, support, and communication]. No matter how the two of you feel about one another romantically, there is a bigger picture here, and you have a moral obligation to provide the best life for your child together.

Being sexually active with someone you’re not in an exclusive relationship/marriage with can be an extreme risk factor for a woman, and should be avoided at all costs. A man who is not connected to a woman romantically will not be pleased with the idea of him having to access his emotions to nurse her through pregnancy, raise a child, and love the child. The shattering of his plan to simply be casual with her will forever leave a bad taste in his mouth and will build resentment. This is an unhealthy space for a man to be in when considering the well-fare of the child.

The power of Love through a child can certainly change a man’s mind not only about the kid, but about himself. Who better to blame for becoming a father than himself? Each day he looks at his child, it’s a reminder that “Youare accountable for your actions, whether you’d like to be or not. If you don’t like the position you’re in, change your direction and continue to move forward”. The child whom he once thought was a curse can turn into a blessing once he sees the value in fatherhood; a life changing blessing that allows him to see who he really is and where he wants to be.

There’s no running away from a child who looks just like you, behaves like you, and wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, or when he will see you again. Instead of running from his responsibilities, he looks his kid in the eyes and lets him know, “I love you, and I will always be here!” What started out as a young man living his life selfishly with little to no direction, stemmed a man who has now discovered a new purpose for living! When it comes to his child, he shares his time, his money, but most of all, he shares his love!

It’s for this reason many men who want nothing to do with the child’s mother opt never to see the child. He’s afraid of the natural love connection that will occur between a father and his child, so he avoids it at all cost. A man who has decided to only have a casual relationship with a woman will not be filled with joy after hearing the announcement of a pregnancy, but instead filled with outrage, and in some cases will flee.

Side note: It’s important to first build a solid friendship built on love and trust before making yourself accessible to someone emotionally/romantically; this process will allow you the time you need to truly assess a man’s character. As a woman, you have to protect yourself by legally binding the man you give your body to (i.e. Marriage). Men don’t fully understand, value, or respect Love, but they do understand time and money, so make sure the man you’re sleeping with is investing both. Child support/alimony/jail time are things that make perfect sense to men, and they want to avoid them at all costs; use these tools to protect yourself against abandonment.

Being an active father in your child’s life doesn’t only do wonders for the child, it does wonders for you as a man! You have an opportunity to be an influence in someone’s life; someone who will value and appreciate your contributions. Some men think having a child will slow them down or “stop their flow”; on the contrary… this child will upgrade you by encouraging you to associate with people and places with higher standards.

Instead of going to a night club, being a father might prompt a man to organize a family gathering. Instead of having a regular guys night out, a father might call up his guy friends who also have kids and make a fun filled day of socializing with old buddies and watching his kid build new friendships. Instead of going grocery shopping and buying snacks and goodies, a father might take his son to the kitchen and teach him how to make frozen ice pops with 100% juice, make homemade cookies from scratch, or how about making “Smore’s” over the stove…

There’s only one key ingredient to being a better father and that’s simply “being a better father”. With all of the fun activities a father can provide for his child, what matters most to your child is that you’re “there”! Take him to a high school basketball game; he won’t know whether it’s the “Saint Anthony Friars” or the “L.A. Lakers” playing. All that matters to him is “My Dad took me to a basketball game”! Take him to a park and challenge him to throw a football, baseball, or a Frisbee to you, tackle him to the ground as he tries to score a touchdown, and then lie there as you describe what the clouds are shaped like. Don’t just throw your kid into summer camp to keep your child busy, figure out ways to form a special bond with your child.

There isn’t enough money in the world that you can wire into an account that could replace the one-on-one experience, interactions, and life lessons a father/son have when you’re present in a child’s life. Your child needs to know that although you and his mother are separated physically, you’re all still connected spiritually. He needs to know that you are grateful to have a son, and you are grateful for the one woman who loves/cares for him unconditionally. He needs to know that you’ll always be positive role model in his life, and you’ll always be there for him.

Yes, love the mother of your child (even if/when you’re not together); this is the first woman your son will fall in love with. Show him how to treat this woman, so he’ll know how to treat all women. A child may or may not have been a part of your diabolical plan, but nevertheless, that child ishereand he’s here to stay, so get used to it. Any animosity between you and the mother of your child should cease and desist for your own personal growth & development, but most importantly for your child’s.

Always be a positive influence in your child’s life; make him proud… but also make yourself proud.

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Q: There’s someone on Facebook that I like; we’ve never met. How do I go about asking her out?

Q: There’s this girl I friended on Facebook. I don’t know her in real life but we are now “FB friends” and just interact via messages and status updates and we do communicate well too. I’m trying to think of how to ask her out without being all wierd about it what would you recommend doing to go about doing that?

A: Women like men who are confident in themselves and in their abilities. The first step you need to take is believing that you are someone worth knowing, having as a friend, dating, and more. When you believe in yourself, others will believe in you. With this in mind, never be afraid to go after something you want, no matter the situation. No one walking this earth is a God, we are all human beings! If you want a loan for money, if you want a promotion at your job, if you want to take a woman out on a date, ask and you shall receive. If your proposal is denied, it’s not the end of the world, you live to be accepted or rejected another day!

If/when you’re rejected, use this experience to help you better formulate a plan to get accepted the next time around. The worst that can happen is you will be told “No, thank you. I’m not interested!”, but there’s also a possibility of being told yes, but that’s only if you put in the request. Women enjoy being pursued by men, but she will not give everyone the privilege of going on a date. What motivates a woman to go on a date with a man is a) her physical attraction to him b) her spiritual connection with him c) her desire to simply be wined and dined by a man who can afford to do so (A.K.A. The convenience) all of which are heavily influenced by her current emotional state.

Friendship is the key to romance, so if see a woman you feel would make a great wife, using the friendship approach is a great way to show her that you value her time, energy, conversation, and presence. Friendship also allows you to get closer to a woman’s heart, her interests, her background, and will open up a doorway to information that will inevitably make her vulnerable to you. With this valuable insight, you can use what you’ve learned to fill any voids you’ve discovered are missing in her life.

Your friendship, just as your money & resources are valuable and should be protected. Not everyone will be deserving of your time, energy, money & resources, so choose wisely. Life & Relationships is like a game of chess; study your target, plan your next move(s), and always keep your mate in check! When you are pursuing someone, you have to study them and feed off of their energy; everything they say and do should influence the next thing(s) you say and do. You should prepare in your mind exactly what you might say or do in the event that your target moves left, right, up, or down, leaving them nowhere to go but right in front of you!

In studying your target, you may come to find that that person isn’t interested in entertaining you at all, and when this happens, you put that person in the “convenience” box. In other words, give a person the same amount of energy they are giving you. If a person is giving you 0%, you give them 0%, the same goes for 100%, 70% 40% 10%, etc! Go where you’re celebrated! You want to give a person you’re all, and you want the same in return! Conversation, dating, and relationships shouldn’t be a struggle between two people, this should be an enjoyable time that’s mutually beneficial for both parties.

When two people are genuinely interested in having a romantic relationship with one another, the signs are evident! This is called “Chemistry”; there’s nothing forced, it’s completely natural. When two positives come together, there’s a positive reaction which leads to more positive interaction. When you speak to a person of interest, their reaction will be that of mutual interest (if there is chemistry). If there is no chemistry, put forth time, energy, and effort into someone you have made a connection with. Commit yourself to those who constantly give you hope; omit yourself from people who constantly give you doubt!

Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies! Continue to live your life, go after the things you want and be fearless in doing so. By setting goals, having ambition, and being determined, you will develop strong interpersonal skills that will help you see past a person’s intimidating persona, and continue to knock, open, and even break down doors to get the things you want in life! You only live once! A man should always be the aggressor and pursue a woman and be confident in doing so. Shy and timid are two traits that a woman does not look for in a man who wants to at some point protect and provide for her. Believe in yourself, be the aggressor, and close the deal!

“If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again!” -Aaliyah

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Q: I’m dating a co-worker, now we live together & he’s cheating! What should I do?

Q: I’m in a relationship with a guy who works at a club with me. When we met, we immediately hit it off and hooked up right away. It’s been 8 months, we’ve made it official, and we’re now living together. The problem is, I don’t trust him. He would flirt with women at the club, etc… and one day, I found a pair of thongs in his pocket and he swore on his mother’s grave that he didn’t know how they got there. I also hacked into his FB account and read messages to other women talking about sex, and going to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test. He claims he wants to marry me, but I’ve spoken to 4 other women who said he tells them the same thing. His FB status used to say “In a relationship (with me), but now it doesn’t. He used to come and go as he pleases and never tells me anything, but that he recently changed. Should I stay with this man in hopes that he will shape up and eventually follow through with the marriage?

A: The introduction is the most important part of any relationship. Where you meet a person, how you meet a person, and why you met a person will play a significant part in your future with someone, or the lack thereof.  A man knows the role he wants for a woman to play in his life “before” he even meets her (whether he tells you this or not). For example: If a woman is dressed provocatively at a night club… it doesn’t matter how intelligent she is, how loving/caring/etc… the man has already made up in his mind that he wants to have sex and nothing more from her before he even walks up and says, “Hello”. From that point he will only do “just enough” to keep the sex coming, however the bedroom is the extent of his interest based on your initial presentation.

It’s true, you meet people where you meet people, however it’s important to maintain your position of power until you and your significant other have reached a mutual state of vulnerability and understanding. We all start off with power, but there are two problems with power: 1) We don’t know that we have it. 2) We’re constantly giving it up too easily! Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies; you’re going to meet people each and every day, everywhere you go, however not everyone should be granted access to you and your personal life. When you’re in a position where you will have to see a person not by design, but by chance, this can affect the romance in your relationship., so be selective and strategic about who you let get close to you.

There’s nothing wrong with making love connections at work, however it’s important that your colleagues respect you, and vice versa. You can maintain your dignity and respect by not allowing him any access to your personal life or seeing you in a vulnerable state.  Once you give him access to you, you’re giving up your power because you’re then showing him that you are easily accessible, and this action may insist that dating a co-worker is something that you would do anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. It also should show you that he is also available to do the same. With this in mind, it’s evident that even going to work is a hunting ground for dating &.

There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. There needs to be a level of comfort and security in places that you frequent (i.e. Work, school, the gym, your home), so being selective with whom you become romantically involved with will save you from many awkward moments should the relationship not work out, and should you still have to cross paths.  Another thing to consider would be your reputation amongst your colleagues. Respect amongst your peers will also keep you in a position of power.

If you choose to be romantically involved with a co-worker who works in the same department as you do, you will naturally become distracted from your work and begin to focus more on this individual that you’re involved with. You’ll start watching/listening more closely to what they say, watching who they speak to and trying to figure out what they’re speaking to them about, worrying about whether or not he/she is just friends, etc. And this is perfectly natural. Your feelings are involved!!! And this person is in close proximity to you during a time where your emotions should not be in tune.

Many things that this person says and does while under your “scope” will in fact make you uncomfortable. Some may come off as offensive, and some might come off as harmless. Either way, the workplace is a great opportunity to get away from your partner, so that you can look forward to seeing each other when you get home. Work adds lots of stress on it’s own. Being stressed by your job AND by your partner at work will do nothing but bring your stress from your job/partner right into your place of peace (your home). Which in turn will push you further and further away from your partner.

You’ve been with each other for 8 months, you haven’t been given an engagement ring, you have no children together, and yall are not married… The two of you should not be living together. You’ve allowed this man to get close… too soon, not to mention, you slept with him way too soon and now he is C-O-M-F-O-R-T-A-B-L-E!!! It’s too late for you and him, but you can certainly learn from this experience and never make it again.

This guy is disrespecting you left and right!!!! And he will continue to disrespect you until You have to finally say “I’ve had enough!!!” You know that this man is no good, but because you are infatuated with this man, you need to actually “see” him having sex with another woman for you to believe he’s cheating. You found the thongs in his pocket (that didn’t belong to you). You found messages on his FB talking about sex, Planned Parenthood/pregnancy tests, etc, he used to come and go as he pleased, he flirts with women at the club you both work at, he tells other women he wants to marry them (which insists that they have a deep/intimate relationship) while involved with you. There is nothing about this man that should make you want to be committed to him or look forward to any type of serious future with him.

He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and if you are looking for a serious relationship, it need not be with this guy. Know your worth! Standing by a man who disrespects you to this capacity is completely unacceptable. “You” have to believe and know in your heart that you deserve better. Once you know this and believe this… men who treat you like this become SO unattractive! And you’ll want to distance yourself from them as much as humanly possible, as opposed to figuring out a way to get closer to them and change their behavior. Take some time away from men, find yourself, work on being the best woman you can be physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially and you’ll attract the best man 😉

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A “Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with someone, and it can be an even more enjoyable experience if both parties mutually love/respect/care for one another. Your body is a temple; you have one life to live, and no one can protect your body better than you can so be sure to be as safe as possible when engaging in sexual activity with someone. Being abstinent is the best way to protect yourself against STDs and pregnancy, however, if you’re going to be sexually active with someone, it’s a good idea to protect yourself by requiring that the man wear a condom.

Many women won’t like this next part, but the ladies are going to love it…

Contrary to popular belief, there are gender roles in life. Due to the “times changing”, and women gaining more and more independence, many have lost sight of these gender roles and traditions. Condoms are meant to protect sexual partners from HIV/STDS and prevent pregnancy, however, a male should at the very least be responsible enough to provide protection if he so wishes to enter a females body. At one point in time, a woman’s body used to be… a “temple” and sex took place after marriage. In this day and age, females are carrying around condoms “just in case” they happen to have sex on the way to work, at the gym, on vacation, etc.

A “lady” never carries around condoms because a lady knows exactly where she’s getting sex from, when she’s getting sex, and from whom! The condoms are stationary and never move! A woman who is less than a lady isn’t sure who/when/where she’s getting her sex from, so she carries condoms just in case the occasion were to ever arise. A lady makes a man wait until he has proven to be worthy of having her body, so in the mean time, conversation is the only thing a lady carries. By carrying condoms, a woman suggests that she is ready, willing, and able to have sex anytime, any place, and with anyone! This is what I like to call “surprise sex”!

One of the reasons why men slack off is because there will always be a woman somewhere ready, willing, and able to take on “his” responsibilities. A man does not have a vagina, and since this is so, he never purchases or carries female condoms (as much as they would protect them from STDs/pregnancy. A woman doesn’t have a penis, but she makes it her business to purchase, store, and carry something that simply isn’t made for her (not including substitute forms of pleasure). Any man a woman would consider allowing into her body should be capable of purchasing/providing his own protection. If not, he should not be considered as a sexual partner because he’s not showing that he cares enough about his health to protect it! If he doesn’t make it his business to be prepared to protect his own body, one can only imagine the distance he’ll go to protect hers (or the lack thereof).

There is a deeper correlation to consider when looking at a female carrying around condoms. This practice does not apply to every female; only a “certain type” of female carries around condoms. Men love sex, anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone! A lady simply doesn’t have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone. Her body is “exclusive” to one man and with this one man, he treats her like a lady, gives her time to prepare, arranges a suitable/comfortable environment, and romances her before sharing their bodies with one another. There’s communication and planning on both parts, and the man will not risk not being ready for the world!

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Since men love to have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone, he will certainly appreciate the fact that you have a spare condom, but he will not respect you as a lady, but as a whore! He will enjoy the hour of pleasure, and even thank you afterwards, but he will forever view you as “that girl who carries around condoms”. In the front of his mind, he will suspect that this is who you are, and how you handle yourself in your everyday life with other men. It’s equivalent to a man carrying around a morning after pill… “Hey, you just never know when you’re gonna need these!”

***The only time a man might not be prepared with a condom is when it’s fast/easy/sleezy/surprise sex with whomever is available. When it comes to a lady, “surprise sex” occurs with the man she’s committed to. Surprise sex without a commitment strips a woman of her “lady like” image/title and places her in the category of the “jump off”. Jump offs need condoms because they never know when things are going to “jump on/off”.

Jump off– A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

A man may have concerns with getting a woman pregnant, but chances are you won’t find him carrying around cases of the morning after pill. If he did, that would certainly be a huge reflection of huge character and suggest that this isn’t the first, nor will it be his last experience in having unprotected sex with a woman he doesn’t want to have a child with. A man cannot take morning after pills, so he has no business carrying them. It’s a female’s decision to invest in and consume the pill, so it should be left up to her to retrieve them. As with a male and his condoms.

Communication is key! By communicating with your partner that you would like to have sex on Saturday, 8pm, at 123 Hump Rd, you give the man an opportunity to prepare himself to have a safe, clean, and fun sexual experience with you. He has time to shower, prepare mentally, and also retrieve condoms to protect you both from STDs and pregnancy. With communication, you eliminate any and all ambiguity, and you also give the man the opportunity to prove that he is capable of being responsible.

If a man you’re considering for sex shows up without condoms, then that’s only “one” major issue you need to consider. In the heat of the moment, you will notice that a man will still sleep with you with or without a condom (not knowing his status or yours). Having your condoms ready “just in case” only protects you from STDs and pregnancy for that hour, however it does not solve the issue of your sexual partner not caring enough about himself to protect his one and only body from STDs! If he doesn’t care enough to protect his own body, he certainly won’t take precautions for yours. Instead of making it easy on these men and still accepting them for not coming prepared, they should be rejected for that reason!

Men and women are different in many ways. The average straight male does not do a regular check-up at the doctor’s office. If a man has HIV/AIDs/STDs, it’s highly probable that he’s had it for months or even years. When you use that condom that you’re carrying around in that “better safe than sorry” situation, the sex will bring you closer and closer to that person. Before becoming closer and closer to a person sexually, get closer and closer to their personality, character, morals, values, and principles, and most importantly… get to know their status. These key ingredients will raise your awareness/confidence in knowing/trusting your partners judgment. With trust comes shared responsibilities! When it comes to sex, one thing a man is very capable of being responsible for is carrying a condom, so allow him this one task while you (the female) take on another!

If your goal is to be “cautious”, abstinence will suffice. If you choose to have sex, take extra precautions such as talking to your partner about one another’s sexual activity with others, the level of exclusivity you expect from them, and go get tested together. Communication is key! If you are not interested in having unprotected sex, make having a condom a requirement. If he wants to continue having sex with you, and if he respects you and himself, he will make it a point to have condoms ready each and every time the two of you are ready to have sex. Continue to be a lady, and only associate yourself with a respectable gentlemen. A man will respect you when you show him that you respect yourself!

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Single Parent Dating!

If you are a mother (whether you are still in a relationship with the kids father or not) , your primary concern should be the well-being of your children, their upbringing, their support system, the influences in and out of their lives, etc. If/when you end the relationship with the kid’s father, you have to be very careful with the next man/men you allow in your kids lives because it will affect the way your child feels about you, and it will also affect your child’s behavior in the future. When you’re finally ready to get back on the dating scene, it is important that when you’re getting to know the guy that you give details about your life such as “you being a single parent raising a child”.

You should also be sure to get his views and feedback on how he feels about dating a single parent. While you’re talking and getting to know one another, you should discuss your morals and values and his. And in these discussions, you should make it clear that you are interested in a commitment, and that you respect your children, and will not entertain anything short of a relationship of substance that will lead to marriage. At these early stages, removing sex will allow you to measure his sincerity in making a decision on whether or not he feels you’re worth investing more time/energy/effort/money in.

Sidenote: Do not confuse yourself by thinking just because he too has kids that he’s willing to date a woman who also has kids. Test him!!!

Test the guy you’re dating’s character every chance you get! Ask him what his relationship is like with his mother, his ex wife, and his own children. BTW the way he treats you is in no way shape or form an indication of how he will treat your child. You have to actually allow him to meet and interact with your children to see how far he is willing to go to gain your child’s approval. If he doesn’t go the distance to win your child over, then he should no longer be considered as a candidate for a relationship because your child is your heart… and your heart is what he’s ultimately trying to win. And furthermore, if your child does not accept this man or doesn’t approve of him, then you should respect your child’s decision and choose your child over that man.

Your child’s approval is needed before you can proceed with a new romantic relationship. Now we know “you” are comfortable with this new guy, but “your kids” need to be comfortable with this new man who’s coming into the family and spending time with their beloved mother, and he by no means should be forced onto your kids simply because you’re lonely and need a man. Forcing a new man on a child could cause resentment either towards the man… but more importantly towards “you”!!! Your “kids” are forever!!! A “man” can leave you and forget about you at any given time if he no longer wants to deal with the package that comes along with dating you!!! And you’ll be left with the same  kid that you started with. So be sure to make decisions that work best for the “family” and not just for “you”.

If you put yourself first, allow yourself to get close to this man, start sleeping with him, etc before he wins your children’s hearts, you’ll be heading towards the point of no return. Meaning you will want this man in your life so badly because of the way he makes “you” feel, that you totally forget about your heart… your world… which is “your child”. And your child gets stuck with the leftovers. Not to mention, this new guy will be so comfortable and used to being with just you, that once your kid comes into the picture, it will be a “buzz kill” for him. He might love mommy… might care about mommy… but that doesn’t have anything at all to do with this kid you have laying around the house.

You have to make “the new guy having a relationship with your child” a requirement (in the beginning). Don’t be afraid to lose him! If he doesn’t want to have a relationship with your child… he shouldn’t be rewarded with the privilege of being in a relationship with you <<<< Unfortunately, there are too many women out there who are afraid that a man will run as soon as they make “being a step-dad” a requirement to be with them. But this is something that you have to do if you want to become serious with a man and have him be a part of your family.

You are not a single bachelorette anymore!!! You are a “package” now. <<< This is your life!!! Any new guy that comes alone has no choice but to either be ok with this or explore other options. If he’s looking to simply date and have sex, then he needs to find a woman who can afford to do so. A single woman raising a child though needs to find a man who can and will be there for her and her child. In fact, his relationship with your child should be so strong that if you and him didn’t work out, he would still want to be involved in your kid’s life… and your kid would still want to be involved in his life. <<< This is the kind of man you need. But in order to figure out if he’s that type of man, you have to put him through vigorous tests in the beginning!!!

A man who has the heart to take care of another woman’s kids is going to get an infinite amount of sex simply for the gesture, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. What’s important now though is… is he genuine and sincere? Is he offering to do activities that are kid friendly? Is he interacting with your child? Is he taking a personal/genuine interest in them? Is he compassionate? Or his he solely interested in you? These are things you can see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and feel with your heart. If he fails this test in the beginning, he should no longer be considered for a relationship or marriage because your child comes first.

Now if you didn’t put him through all these tests and you let him slide by sexing him, committing to him, moving in together, marrying him, etc, then you’re setting yourself up to get your heart broken, because now… you’ve grown emotionally attached to him without him first winning your heart (which is your child), and now it’s a gamble whether or not the love he has for you will trickle down to your kids.  If at any point you realize that that man is not loving your child the way a husband father should (as if it were his own), then you’ll begin to  see just how important your child is to you. And you’re also going to see how little this man means to you in comparison to your child.

And if his heart was not involved with your children from the beginning, you can’t possibly expect for his heart to miraculously be involved later on simply because you’re in a relationship or married <<<< This is a sign that his interest was in “you”!!! And since bonding with your children/loving your children/respecting your children was not a requirement to be with you, he’ll be reluctant to honor these sudden requests throughout the relationship.

It’s extremely important to know how the man you let into your life feels about your child before getting involved with him. Who knows? That man might think your kids are annoying… or spoiled… have no discipline… aren’t too bright… looks too geeky… talks too much… or whatever!!! The sky is the limit! If while dating a man, and after you’ve introduced him to your child, you notice that he’s not “eager” to see your kid again, doesn’t talk about your kid, or doesn’t mention kids period, then you should have a conversation with him about what he thinks about “your” child. <<<< Use this information to make your decision on whether you want to deal with him or not.

You can test the waters by casually introducing your children to the man you’re dating and get a feel of how they interact with one another. The clear cut signs will be there from the very beginning, and it will be indication of what you can look forward to in the end. This is your future we’re talking about and not every man you meet will be worthy of being in your child’s presence. This could mean being single for 5, 10, 15+ years!!! However long it takes! But your kids need to be loved, respected, and they need to be comfortable at all times.

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Q: “Should I focus on a man? Or stayed focused on my career?”

Q: “Should I focus on a man? Or stayed focused on my career?”

A: In the early stages of a young adult’s life, a person will commit to relationships without having the big picture in mind. They’ll take chances on numerous relationships not because they see this person as marriage potential, but more so because they “like” the person that he/she portrays themselves to be and want to experience more of them, and/or because they are desperate for companionship and simply don’t want to be alone. There are rules to relationships, and proven studies show that having standards and setting requirements will in fact make a woman more desirable to a man who is looking for a serious relationship. When you have a woman who is at this place in her life, and you match her with a man who is mature enough to appreciate a woman of this caliber, it’s a match made in heaven, and the potential to grow with one another is far greater than anything that comes easy.

The men who want sex fast & easy will look at your standards and requirements as a turn off, or accuse you of being extremely picky, etc. If this happens, that means your plan is working like a charm. You’re weeding out the men who are not interested in having a serious committed relationship, while allowing yourself to still be open and available to the men who are. The men who are looking to settle down and be in a serious monogamous relationship are the ones you should be marketing to. Being single is what you do when you’re trying to find/establish yourself, and/or you haven’t yet found someone who’s met your standards/requirements. There are millions of men in this world, and you only need “one”. Your days of being single will come to an end when that one man sees the value in being with a woman who knows her worth, is exclusive, and has the potential to add value to his life.

If you are focused on your goals, stay focused on your goals, as a relationship will bring you closer to him, and take you further and further away from your goals. Once you feel you are ready to get back on the dating scene, put yourself out there where your type of man can find you. Date multiple men at one time so that you don’t find yourself settling on just “one” option. By dating multiple men, you expose yourself to individuals who may have similar credentials, but are distinguished by their personality, morals, values, and principles that they live by. Keep your options open and settle on the one who adds the most value to your life.

Focus on your health, wealth, education, and happiness. Focus on a man when he focuses on you.

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Being Emotionally Available

Being Emotionally Available Being in a relationship requires that two people “share” their worlds with one another. They share their mind, body, resources, and more in order to help one another grow as a couple. In order to attract the best person that will fit into your life, you first have to work on being the best person you can be on the inside and outside. When you love yourself, you begin to feel good, and the energy you give off will attract other happy and loving individuals. If you can find love and happiness inside of you, you’ll never go a day without it. Many times in our lives, we search to no end for love in many different aspects of life (i.e. Work, relationships, sex, material things). Instead of searching “outward” for love, search “inward” for love. If you’re looking for love, hold up a mirror!

When you find love and happiness within yourself, you know exactly what it feels like. So much so, that you know when you’re giving it to others, as well as getting it from others, or the lack thereof. When you solely rely on an outward source for love, that love does not belong to you, it belongs to the provider and can be denied and/or stripped at any given time. If that source of love dies, abandons you, or recognizes that you are dependent upon it’s source and decides to abuse their power by depriving you of love, you leave yourself vulnerable to heartbreak and anguish. By loving yourself, your source of love/power lies within you and will never die, leave you, or forsake you! Make loving yourself an everyday regimen for the rest of your life. Wake up in the morning loving the way you feel, look in the mirror loving the way you look, and finally, open up the front door prepared to love the rest of the world!

Loving yourself is an inside job that starts in the home. If loves dwells in the home, you’ll be more careful with who you let in, you’ll cherish it/protect it, and your heart will always have a place to revive itself whenever in need. Your home is your place of peace, your escape from the world, and your comfort zone. The things you place inside should be anything that brings you love, joy, and happiness (i.e. Music, pictures, food, interior design, fragrances, etc). If the world and the people in it treat you cruelly, you’ll always have a place to go as a reminder of what love & happiness feels like. As tempting as it may be to stay home and embellish in all the goodness this love environment has to offer, remember to spread love to others once you find it in yourself. Finding yourself and loving yourself is a journey.

For many, finding love will require redefining what love is as a whole; this is due to severe emotional damage caused by previous distributors of love in the past (i.e. Parents, ex’s, friends, etc). Love is something that you do and feel; once two people feel loved and show love, it becomes evident that they are in love with one another. Love feels good; you’ll know you’re not in love with someone else when it starts to hurt. When whatever you’ve associated with love becomes detrimental to your health, it needs to be removed from your life. When you remove someone or something from your life that hurts, you leave more room for someone or something to come into your life that helps. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Having love for yourself, as well as others instantaneously adds value to your life and the lives of others, therefore establishing your worth.

Finding and loving yourself takes precious time and it cannot be rushed or interrupted by others looking to convince you of what love means to them. Finding yourself means you’re not looking for others. On this journey, you want to figure out what feels, looks, tastes, smells, and sounds good to “you”. Avoid any outside influences; use this time to enjoy being alone and figuring out what’s best for you and your life. Throughout life, you will come across many people who will hurt you intentionally and/or accidentally. People you’ve lived with, shared secrets with, shared the most precious years of your life with will have all had a hand in your heartbreak and disappointment over the years. By removing this pain from your heart, you’re allowing room for pleasure to come in. Pain has a way of remaining in the heart for as long as you give power to its source.

If something is causing you to be unhappy, locate the source, and eliminate the source of power. You can take away any and all power from its source by “forgiving” others for any pain they’ve ever caused you. By clearing your conscience, you no longer have a reason to think about unhappiness or the people who caused you to be unhappy. Love & happiness is a magnet! People are attracted to people who appear to be happy either because it reminds them of themselves or of where they want to be. Friendship is the key to building up romance; romance has the potential to lead to a committed relationship; a committed relationship has the potential to lead to a life long commitment (i.e. Marriage).

In order to establish a true friendship with someone, there has to be love and happiness inside of you that attracts them. If your inner beauty is dimmed, your outer beauty will be the only thing left to shine. Your outer beauty is what will get people to come; your inner beauty is what will get people to stay. Continue to work on being the best person you can be, and you’ll attract the best people. Being emotionally available means that you’re ready to love and be loved by someone else. Always remember that relationships aren’t for everybody; relationships are only for the ready. Repair and restore your heart before making it available to another. If someone you love doesn’t know how to take care of it, learn your lesson and stop giving it to them.

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Presentation Is Everything!!!

Some say “never judge a book by its cover”, but it’s the “cover” that stimulates a viewers heart, mind, and soul. If the cover doesn’t give an idea of what’s on the inside, the presenter should come up with a better presentation. Who you are, where you’re from, and what you’re capable of doing counts for nothing if know one else knows it. We live in a visually oriented society, so the first assessment a person will make of you will be based on what their eyes can see. With this in mind, always present yourself in the way you want to be known and remembered as.

An “impression” is the mark you leave behind. The first impression gives others an idea of the shape of your character. No matter how many times you try to make a new impression, the very first one you made will always be set in the hearts and minds of the people you’ve encountered. The opinions of others should matter to you because you never know who a person is, who they are, or how they can change your life. The way they feel about you can and will influence the favor they show you in the future, or the lack thereof.

The world is a center stage where we are constantly required to perform. Being physically appealing attracts romantic admirers, being an intellectual attracts thought leaders and inquisitive minds, being loving attracts those who have love for you or seek love for themselves. The same affect is true of those who portray the image of a hoodlum, a prostitute, or a riff raff. It’s safe to step out of character in the comfort of your own home, but when you’re amongst members of society, everyone should be able to recognize who you are (to them). The people around you should see something in you that they love and admire, as opposed to something that they hate and despise.

Men and women view life differently; some females are heavily influenced by males in the early stages of life which influence their male tendencies growing up. Some males experience the same thing, growing up amongst female influences, which in turn raise their female tendencies. For the average heterosexual male, life is simple; everything is either logical or practical, and anything else outside of that simply doesn’t make sense. When a man sees a woman who dresses and carries herself like a whore, he initially fixes his mind to treat her like a whore. When a man sees a woman who dresses and carries herself like a lady, he initially fixes his mind to treat her like a lady.

We are all free to walk, talk, dress, and behave in any way that we choose, but it’s important to consider the affect your actions have on others if you plan on associating with them for personal or professional purposes in the future. A woman’s outer beauty can gain her the keys to a man’s bedroom; a woman’s inner beauty can gain her the keys to a man’s heart. If you are an exceptionally beautiful woman on the outside, better to dim your light and let your inner beauty shine. When a man is looking for sex, he closes his heart and opens his eyes. When a man is looking for love, he closes his eyes and opens his heart.

When you present yourself as a lady, you practice playing a role for the character that you want people to know and remember as. In addition, you’ll attract more gentlemen because you’re exactly the type of woman a man wants to settle down with. You’ll avoid the unqualified men because they don’t have the time, interest, or money to invest in a lady. They’re looking for a woman who carries herself like one and will accept payments as opposed to investments.

A man knows the role he wants for a woman to play in his life before he even meets her. If you present yourself as sex symbol, he will want to keep you as only a sex symbol. And once a man sees you as a potential sex slave, he will no longer consider you for a serious long-term commitment. He will instead keep you around as his convenience while he continues his search to find himself, as well as a more respectable lady. You have to be careful when you find someone who’s a perfect match. A whore is the perfect match for a pimp. A lady is the perfect match for a gentleman.

It’s best to always present yourself as someone who is worth knowing and worthy of a commitment. One of the many benefits of companionship is the access it gives you to another person’s world. You go from being independent to being interdependent; sharing each other spiritually, emotionally, financially, and physically. Sex will always be a missing link in an individual’s life because it’s meant to be experienced with someone else. Anyone who has the proper functioning tools below the belt can have sex; it’s the depth inside of you that will motivate others to want to remain a part of your life.

Character can be detected through ones eyes, facial expressions, word choice, style of dress, the company they keep, the places they go, the things they do, the overall way they treat themselves and others, etc. These are all reflections of who a person is and what they represent. Fortunately, these signs can be picked up before you even open you’re mouth to introduce yourself. You can measure whether or not a person’s morals, values, and character is in alignment with yours simply be sitting back and observing.

Words are used to seduce, to convince, and to sway an audience into believing something that benefits the deliverer of the message; they appear to be reassuring, but often times are a lot less accurate than actions. If you seek proof of a person’s character, close your ears so that you’re not manipulated by their impression of themselves. Open your eyes so that you can see for yourself who they really are, and open your heart so that you’ll know how that person’s actions make you feel. When a person shows you who they are… believe them.

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Give Each Other Space!

There are two rules to love 1) You do it! 2) You don’t! It’s easy to love someone from a distance because there’s no significant time, energy, or effort required to make the relationship work. Anytime you haven’t seen someone in awhile, there’s the “thrill” of being in each other’s presence once again after so long, and there’s a desire to get caught up to date on things. Space and time apart creates romance; the desire to show love and receive love from a person who’s been missing from your life.

One of the keys to making romance in a relationship last is to not become too familiar and get stuck in a routine. While it’s not important that your significant other knows your each and every move, it is important that when granted this freedom and this trust, that you honor it by staying true to yourself and true to your partner. Here are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (According to AskCheyB) Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Incorporate these habits and your partner will have no reason to question or doubt the moves you make.

A great way to keep a relationship fresh all the way to the end is by being consistent with everything you did in the beginning. In the beginning, a man courts a woman, treats her like a lady, spends time a part and schedules time to be together. The time spent apart makes the time spent together that much more special. With work, school, and other responsibilities, it’s a joy to be whisked away from life’s harsh realities by a person who has a genuine interest in being with you.

In addition to a busy schedule and a hectic lifestyle, there’s also the idea that the person you’re dating is also dating other people, so in order to stay relevant, you have to compete for one another’s time, love, and affection. A common mistake that many people make once they’ve “got the girl/guy” is they stop competing. The competition (i.e. admirers) will never stop coming; if you don’t see to it that your partner is happy, someone else will.

If you are not consistent throughout the relationship with the person you were in the beginning of the relationship, space can be your worst adversary. When someone is happy to have you around, they look forward to your return whenever you leave. When someone isn’t happy to have you around, they look for a way to fill that void whenever you’re gone. Love should always dwell inside of you and inside of your home; when love is lost, your partner is bound to go looking to find it. Your significant other should always feel as though you’re a source where he/she can refuel financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Many times we hold onto relationships not because we’re happy to hold on, but because we’re afraid to let go. Once you stop loving you’ll start hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving. Never stop loving yourself, and never stop loving your partner. Work strategically to make sure that your partner enjoys being with you when you’re together, and looks forward to coming back to you when they’re not. Make being together the place to be.

For the period of time you and your partner are separated, the anticipation to come back together is what keeps the excitement going. When you give your significant other something to look forward to, they’ll be focused on what’s up ahead, rather than what’s on the side. Life is a long, slow, ambiguous journey, so if you’re partnered with someone who’s dependent on you, make that journey as enjoyable as possible. It’s a challenge to be able to entertain someone for life, but that’s a part of the contract that comes along with a serious commitment so get creative

Friendship outside of the relationship is important because it gives you both something to do when you would like to spend some time away from each other. Establish trust between your partner and any of your relevant friends by introducing them early on in the relationship. The friends you associate with are a huge reflection of who you are and/or who you aspire to be, so in order to maintain a happy/healthy relationship; only associate closely with those who are positive influences in your life.

Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends. If you’re in a relationship, cherish the glory days of hanging out with all of your other single friends, and live for today by planning for a brighter future with the love of your life. A great way to still stay connected with your single friends is to host a gathering at your home; invite both couples and singles. By inviting your single friends to actually witness your new life “as a couple”; you’re granted the opportunity to show them the value in being committed.

Since we’re all adults, there’s no need for a curfew when you plan to go out, nor is there a need to constantly call to check up on your significant other once it’s been communicated that they’re going out. Keep in mind though, that your other half loves you, is concerned about your well being, and is going to miss you while you’re gone. When you have plans on going places where your significant other isn’t invited, be courteous enough to let them know where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when they should expect you home. This information will make your part feel secure, and there’s no better feeling than knowing that your home and everyone in it is safe and secure.

One of the most valued benefits of being in a relationship is companionship. It feels good to be able to come home to someone, cuddle in bed with someone, and do fun/exciting activities with someone you love. Relationships are meant to be experienced “together”, not apart, so spending weeks, months, and years away from one another goes against a huge part of what relationship is. You want to give your partner just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Being separated from your partner creates space and opportunity, and with that comes the desire to go out and do something with whoever can provide temporary satisfaction in your absence.

One of the best ways to stay a couple is to do things as a couple. If you’d like to take a nice vacation, plan in advance and budget accordingly so that you and your partner can enjoy a trip together. If there’s a networking event coming up, let your partner know in advance so that they can mark their calendar and accompany you. If there’s a new movie coming out that you’d love to see, invite your partner and make it a date night. Make  it a habit of doing things “with” your partner; when it’s time for you to do things alone, they won’t feel neglected.

The right amount of space and time a part can create the illusion of being without that person you love, giving you both the opportunity to miss one another. The anticipation of the return is what helps the romance grow stronger. There’s a great chance that your partner will get bored and feel smothered if you’re constantly around one another day in and day out. So much so that they will want to find a source of entertainment outside of the home, and away from you (for a change). To avoid this, have balance between work, school, other responsibilities, couple time, and alone time.

A little bit of reverse psychology never hurt either (i.e. Encourage your significant other to go out and hang out with their friends and have fun). Let them know that you’ll be at home waiting when they return and that you want them to go out and have a good time. At the end of the night you’ll be right back in each others warm embrace. Create space when there is none and you will see and feel the void in the air; you’ll look forward to being in your lovers presence again all due to this brief time apart.

Life and relationships are very much like the game of chess. You have to study your target, strategically plan your every move, and always keep your mate in check.

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-AskCheyB