Black Men: Plan To Be A Better Father

For years a man can live his life irresponsibly, and for a while, it’s exciting and feels worthwhile to live life without a worry or a care. But there comes a time in every man’s life where he decides he wants more for his life and his legacy, he wants to be a contribution to society and add value to the lives of others. These epiphanies normally come when he’s experienced some sort of tragedy in his life that humbles him (i.e. Death in the family, a bad break-up, loss of a job/place of residence, etc). One of the most powerful influences that drive a man towards maturity and growth is Fatherhood.

A mother/son relationship is the closest a man will ever come to experiencing unconditional love; that is until he meets his first child. When a child is born, he/she knows no one except for the people who are there, and that child inevitably grows to know & love those two people as their parents. When a man stays connected to his child, it becomes almost impossible for him to disconnect; once he feels the unconditional love his child has for him, he’ll never want to let it go.

Men are capable of completely disconnecting emotionally while being active sexually with a woman, however pregnancy and the birth of a child are very emotional places for a man. When considering the well-being of a child, it’s important that the parents have an ongoing happy/healthy relationship with one another that’s filled with what I call “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships” [Respect, love, trust, honesty, loyalty, support, and communication]. No matter how the two of you feel about one another romantically, there is a bigger picture here, and you have a moral obligation to provide the best life for your child together.

Being sexually active with someone you’re not in an exclusive relationship/marriage with can be an extreme risk factor for a woman, and should be avoided at all costs. A man who is not connected to a woman romantically will not be pleased with the idea of him having to access his emotions to nurse her through pregnancy, raise a child, and love the child. The shattering of his plan to simply be casual with her will forever leave a bad taste in his mouth and will build resentment. This is an unhealthy space for a man to be in when considering the well-fare of the child.

The power of Love through a child can certainly change a man’s mind not only about the kid, but about himself. Who better to blame for becoming a father than himself? Each day he looks at his child, it’s a reminder that “Youare accountable for your actions, whether you’d like to be or not. If you don’t like the position you’re in, change your direction and continue to move forward”. The child whom he once thought was a curse can turn into a blessing once he sees the value in fatherhood; a life changing blessing that allows him to see who he really is and where he wants to be.

There’s no running away from a child who looks just like you, behaves like you, and wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, or when he will see you again. Instead of running from his responsibilities, he looks his kid in the eyes and lets him know, “I love you, and I will always be here!” What started out as a young man living his life selfishly with little to no direction, stemmed a man who has now discovered a new purpose for living! When it comes to his child, he shares his time, his money, but most of all, he shares his love!

It’s for this reason many men who want nothing to do with the child’s mother opt never to see the child. He’s afraid of the natural love connection that will occur between a father and his child, so he avoids it at all cost. A man who has decided to only have a casual relationship with a woman will not be filled with joy after hearing the announcement of a pregnancy, but instead filled with outrage, and in some cases will flee.

Side note: It’s important to first build a solid friendship built on love and trust before making yourself accessible to someone emotionally/romantically; this process will allow you the time you need to truly assess a man’s character. As a woman, you have to protect yourself by legally binding the man you give your body to (i.e. Marriage). Men don’t fully understand, value, or respect Love, but they do understand time and money, so make sure the man you’re sleeping with is investing both. Child support/alimony/jail time are things that make perfect sense to men, and they want to avoid them at all costs; use these tools to protect yourself against abandonment.

Being an active father in your child’s life doesn’t only do wonders for the child, it does wonders for you as a man! You have an opportunity to be an influence in someone’s life; someone who will value and appreciate your contributions. Some men think having a child will slow them down or “stop their flow”; on the contrary… this child will upgrade you by encouraging you to associate with people and places with higher standards.

Instead of going to a night club, being a father might prompt a man to organize a family gathering. Instead of having a regular guys night out, a father might call up his guy friends who also have kids and make a fun filled day of socializing with old buddies and watching his kid build new friendships. Instead of going grocery shopping and buying snacks and goodies, a father might take his son to the kitchen and teach him how to make frozen ice pops with 100% juice, make homemade cookies from scratch, or how about making “Smore’s” over the stove…

There’s only one key ingredient to being a better father and that’s simply “being a better father”. With all of the fun activities a father can provide for his child, what matters most to your child is that you’re “there”! Take him to a high school basketball game; he won’t know whether it’s the “Saint Anthony Friars” or the “L.A. Lakers” playing. All that matters to him is “My Dad took me to a basketball game”! Take him to a park and challenge him to throw a football, baseball, or a Frisbee to you, tackle him to the ground as he tries to score a touchdown, and then lie there as you describe what the clouds are shaped like. Don’t just throw your kid into summer camp to keep your child busy, figure out ways to form a special bond with your child.

There isn’t enough money in the world that you can wire into an account that could replace the one-on-one experience, interactions, and life lessons a father/son have when you’re present in a child’s life. Your child needs to know that although you and his mother are separated physically, you’re all still connected spiritually. He needs to know that you are grateful to have a son, and you are grateful for the one woman who loves/cares for him unconditionally. He needs to know that you’ll always be positive role model in his life, and you’ll always be there for him.

Yes, love the mother of your child (even if/when you’re not together); this is the first woman your son will fall in love with. Show him how to treat this woman, so he’ll know how to treat all women. A child may or may not have been a part of your diabolical plan, but nevertheless, that child ishereand he’s here to stay, so get used to it. Any animosity between you and the mother of your child should cease and desist for your own personal growth & development, but most importantly for your child’s.

Always be a positive influence in your child’s life; make him proud… but also make yourself proud.

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Single Parent Dating!

If you are a mother (whether you are still in a relationship with the kids father or not) , your primary concern should be the well-being of your children, their upbringing, their support system, the influences in and out of their lives, etc. If/when you end the relationship with the kid’s father, you have to be very careful with the next man/men you allow in your kids lives because it will affect the way your child feels about you, and it will also affect your child’s behavior in the future. When you’re finally ready to get back on the dating scene, it is important that when you’re getting to know the guy that you give details about your life such as “you being a single parent raising a child”.

You should also be sure to get his views and feedback on how he feels about dating a single parent. While you’re talking and getting to know one another, you should discuss your morals and values and his. And in these discussions, you should make it clear that you are interested in a commitment, and that you respect your children, and will not entertain anything short of a relationship of substance that will lead to marriage. At these early stages, removing sex will allow you to measure his sincerity in making a decision on whether or not he feels you’re worth investing more time/energy/effort/money in.

Sidenote: Do not confuse yourself by thinking just because he too has kids that he’s willing to date a woman who also has kids. Test him!!!

Test the guy you’re dating’s character every chance you get! Ask him what his relationship is like with his mother, his ex wife, and his own children. BTW the way he treats you is in no way shape or form an indication of how he will treat your child. You have to actually allow him to meet and interact with your children to see how far he is willing to go to gain your child’s approval. If he doesn’t go the distance to win your child over, then he should no longer be considered as a candidate for a relationship because your child is your heart… and your heart is what he’s ultimately trying to win. And furthermore, if your child does not accept this man or doesn’t approve of him, then you should respect your child’s decision and choose your child over that man.

Your child’s approval is needed before you can proceed with a new romantic relationship. Now we know “you” are comfortable with this new guy, but “your kids” need to be comfortable with this new man who’s coming into the family and spending time with their beloved mother, and he by no means should be forced onto your kids simply because you’re lonely and need a man. Forcing a new man on a child could cause resentment either towards the man… but more importantly towards “you”!!! Your “kids” are forever!!! A “man” can leave you and forget about you at any given time if he no longer wants to deal with the package that comes along with dating you!!! And you’ll be left with the same  kid that you started with. So be sure to make decisions that work best for the “family” and not just for “you”.

If you put yourself first, allow yourself to get close to this man, start sleeping with him, etc before he wins your children’s hearts, you’ll be heading towards the point of no return. Meaning you will want this man in your life so badly because of the way he makes “you” feel, that you totally forget about your heart… your world… which is “your child”. And your child gets stuck with the leftovers. Not to mention, this new guy will be so comfortable and used to being with just you, that once your kid comes into the picture, it will be a “buzz kill” for him. He might love mommy… might care about mommy… but that doesn’t have anything at all to do with this kid you have laying around the house.

You have to make “the new guy having a relationship with your child” a requirement (in the beginning). Don’t be afraid to lose him! If he doesn’t want to have a relationship with your child… he shouldn’t be rewarded with the privilege of being in a relationship with you <<<< Unfortunately, there are too many women out there who are afraid that a man will run as soon as they make “being a step-dad” a requirement to be with them. But this is something that you have to do if you want to become serious with a man and have him be a part of your family.

You are not a single bachelorette anymore!!! You are a “package” now. <<< This is your life!!! Any new guy that comes alone has no choice but to either be ok with this or explore other options. If he’s looking to simply date and have sex, then he needs to find a woman who can afford to do so. A single woman raising a child though needs to find a man who can and will be there for her and her child. In fact, his relationship with your child should be so strong that if you and him didn’t work out, he would still want to be involved in your kid’s life… and your kid would still want to be involved in his life. <<< This is the kind of man you need. But in order to figure out if he’s that type of man, you have to put him through vigorous tests in the beginning!!!

A man who has the heart to take care of another woman’s kids is going to get an infinite amount of sex simply for the gesture, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. What’s important now though is… is he genuine and sincere? Is he offering to do activities that are kid friendly? Is he interacting with your child? Is he taking a personal/genuine interest in them? Is he compassionate? Or his he solely interested in you? These are things you can see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and feel with your heart. If he fails this test in the beginning, he should no longer be considered for a relationship or marriage because your child comes first.

Now if you didn’t put him through all these tests and you let him slide by sexing him, committing to him, moving in together, marrying him, etc, then you’re setting yourself up to get your heart broken, because now… you’ve grown emotionally attached to him without him first winning your heart (which is your child), and now it’s a gamble whether or not the love he has for you will trickle down to your kids.  If at any point you realize that that man is not loving your child the way a husband father should (as if it were his own), then you’ll begin to  see just how important your child is to you. And you’re also going to see how little this man means to you in comparison to your child.

And if his heart was not involved with your children from the beginning, you can’t possibly expect for his heart to miraculously be involved later on simply because you’re in a relationship or married <<<< This is a sign that his interest was in “you”!!! And since bonding with your children/loving your children/respecting your children was not a requirement to be with you, he’ll be reluctant to honor these sudden requests throughout the relationship.

It’s extremely important to know how the man you let into your life feels about your child before getting involved with him. Who knows? That man might think your kids are annoying… or spoiled… have no discipline… aren’t too bright… looks too geeky… talks too much… or whatever!!! The sky is the limit! If while dating a man, and after you’ve introduced him to your child, you notice that he’s not “eager” to see your kid again, doesn’t talk about your kid, or doesn’t mention kids period, then you should have a conversation with him about what he thinks about “your” child. <<<< Use this information to make your decision on whether you want to deal with him or not.

You can test the waters by casually introducing your children to the man you’re dating and get a feel of how they interact with one another. The clear cut signs will be there from the very beginning, and it will be indication of what you can look forward to in the end. This is your future we’re talking about and not every man you meet will be worthy of being in your child’s presence. This could mean being single for 5, 10, 15+ years!!! However long it takes! But your kids need to be loved, respected, and they need to be comfortable at all times.

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Give Each Other Space!

There are two rules to love 1) You do it! 2) You don’t! It’s easy to love someone from a distance because there’s no significant time, energy, or effort required to make the relationship work. Anytime you haven’t seen someone in awhile, there’s the “thrill” of being in each other’s presence once again after so long, and there’s a desire to get caught up to date on things. Space and time apart creates romance; the desire to show love and receive love from a person who’s been missing from your life.

One of the keys to making romance in a relationship last is to not become too familiar and get stuck in a routine. While it’s not important that your significant other knows your each and every move, it is important that when granted this freedom and this trust, that you honor it by staying true to yourself and true to your partner. Here are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (According to AskCheyB) Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Incorporate these habits and your partner will have no reason to question or doubt the moves you make.

A great way to keep a relationship fresh all the way to the end is by being consistent with everything you did in the beginning. In the beginning, a man courts a woman, treats her like a lady, spends time a part and schedules time to be together. The time spent apart makes the time spent together that much more special. With work, school, and other responsibilities, it’s a joy to be whisked away from life’s harsh realities by a person who has a genuine interest in being with you.

In addition to a busy schedule and a hectic lifestyle, there’s also the idea that the person you’re dating is also dating other people, so in order to stay relevant, you have to compete for one another’s time, love, and affection. A common mistake that many people make once they’ve “got the girl/guy” is they stop competing. The competition (i.e. admirers) will never stop coming; if you don’t see to it that your partner is happy, someone else will.

If you are not consistent throughout the relationship with the person you were in the beginning of the relationship, space can be your worst adversary. When someone is happy to have you around, they look forward to your return whenever you leave. When someone isn’t happy to have you around, they look for a way to fill that void whenever you’re gone. Love should always dwell inside of you and inside of your home; when love is lost, your partner is bound to go looking to find it. Your significant other should always feel as though you’re a source where he/she can refuel financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Many times we hold onto relationships not because we’re happy to hold on, but because we’re afraid to let go. Once you stop loving you’ll start hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving. Never stop loving yourself, and never stop loving your partner. Work strategically to make sure that your partner enjoys being with you when you’re together, and looks forward to coming back to you when they’re not. Make being together the place to be.

For the period of time you and your partner are separated, the anticipation to come back together is what keeps the excitement going. When you give your significant other something to look forward to, they’ll be focused on what’s up ahead, rather than what’s on the side. Life is a long, slow, ambiguous journey, so if you’re partnered with someone who’s dependent on you, make that journey as enjoyable as possible. It’s a challenge to be able to entertain someone for life, but that’s a part of the contract that comes along with a serious commitment so get creative

Friendship outside of the relationship is important because it gives you both something to do when you would like to spend some time away from each other. Establish trust between your partner and any of your relevant friends by introducing them early on in the relationship. The friends you associate with are a huge reflection of who you are and/or who you aspire to be, so in order to maintain a happy/healthy relationship; only associate closely with those who are positive influences in your life.

Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends. If you’re in a relationship, cherish the glory days of hanging out with all of your other single friends, and live for today by planning for a brighter future with the love of your life. A great way to still stay connected with your single friends is to host a gathering at your home; invite both couples and singles. By inviting your single friends to actually witness your new life “as a couple”; you’re granted the opportunity to show them the value in being committed.

Since we’re all adults, there’s no need for a curfew when you plan to go out, nor is there a need to constantly call to check up on your significant other once it’s been communicated that they’re going out. Keep in mind though, that your other half loves you, is concerned about your well being, and is going to miss you while you’re gone. When you have plans on going places where your significant other isn’t invited, be courteous enough to let them know where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when they should expect you home. This information will make your part feel secure, and there’s no better feeling than knowing that your home and everyone in it is safe and secure.

One of the most valued benefits of being in a relationship is companionship. It feels good to be able to come home to someone, cuddle in bed with someone, and do fun/exciting activities with someone you love. Relationships are meant to be experienced “together”, not apart, so spending weeks, months, and years away from one another goes against a huge part of what relationship is. You want to give your partner just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Being separated from your partner creates space and opportunity, and with that comes the desire to go out and do something with whoever can provide temporary satisfaction in your absence.

One of the best ways to stay a couple is to do things as a couple. If you’d like to take a nice vacation, plan in advance and budget accordingly so that you and your partner can enjoy a trip together. If there’s a networking event coming up, let your partner know in advance so that they can mark their calendar and accompany you. If there’s a new movie coming out that you’d love to see, invite your partner and make it a date night. Make  it a habit of doing things “with” your partner; when it’s time for you to do things alone, they won’t feel neglected.

The right amount of space and time a part can create the illusion of being without that person you love, giving you both the opportunity to miss one another. The anticipation of the return is what helps the romance grow stronger. There’s a great chance that your partner will get bored and feel smothered if you’re constantly around one another day in and day out. So much so that they will want to find a source of entertainment outside of the home, and away from you (for a change). To avoid this, have balance between work, school, other responsibilities, couple time, and alone time.

A little bit of reverse psychology never hurt either (i.e. Encourage your significant other to go out and hang out with their friends and have fun). Let them know that you’ll be at home waiting when they return and that you want them to go out and have a good time. At the end of the night you’ll be right back in each others warm embrace. Create space when there is none and you will see and feel the void in the air; you’ll look forward to being in your lovers presence again all due to this brief time apart.

Life and relationships are very much like the game of chess. You have to study your target, strategically plan your every move, and always keep your mate in check.

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One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple!

A man who is genuinely interested in being in a relationship with a woman and building a future with her will do everything in his power to maintain peace in the household. If for one second his lady is feeling uncomfortable and is for whatever reason not secure in him, he will stop everything that he’s doing to put her mind at ease. One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple. Granted, it’s important to have space, and have friends outside of the relationship, both parties should make it a point to include one another in their endeavors. Communication is a key aspect of a functioning relationship; it can bring you and your partner closer, and it will eliminate a lot of ambiguity, so definitely keep the communication going.

While it’s not important or relevant for your significant other to tell you “everything”, there are certain pieces of information that should be shared simply because he’s interested in sharing his world with you (the person he loves). With the exception of business meetings, personal leisure, and “Guys Night Out”, he should invite you to accompany him to events and outings. There also has to be a level of trust between the two of you. If there’s no trust, you really should consider re-evaluating your relationship with him. You don’t want to constantly be worried that every time your significant other goes out, he’s up to something. If this is the way your partner is making you feel, talk to your partner, let him know how his actions make you feel. If he’s willing to make the changes, he may be worth remaining loyal to. If he’s not willing to make the changes, cut your losses and end the relationship.

Sidenote: Never trust your partner 100%. 50% of the trust should be in your partner. The other 50% goes into your gut!

One of the best parts about being in a relationship is being “together”, so when you’re a part, you should at least be able to enjoy communicating with one another for comfort. When it’s guys night out though, let him have guys night out. Talk to him when he gets home! And if it’s a guys night out, he should have details, if he’s out for business, he should have details, if it’s a family affair, he should have details about the time, place, occasion, and you should be invited. If he’s making it his business to be “somewhere”, and you’re not invited, and he doesn’t have any details, give him a fair amount of time to get the details. Now don’t go into “insecure” mode, this is the point where you exhibit strength and you measure how considerate your man is of your feelings.

As it comes closer to the time he’s supposed to go wherever he’s going, sit back and observe; see if he’ll be considerate enough to give you details about where he’s going, with whom, and when he’ll be back. If he doesn’t show you this consideration, when he gets home, you don’t show him any consideration. Never consider those who never consider you! Whenever your man is reluctant to offer up information, it’s because he has something to hide. It doesn’t really matter what he’s hiding, what does matter is that he’s hiding it, and he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and expose himself to you (his significant other). That in itself speaks volumes, and his actions show that you’re really not that significant. If you find yourself dealing with a man who keeps secrets that are becoming hurtful to your relationship, don’t hesitate to do what’s best for you, because he is certainly doing what’s best for him.

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“V-Day is here! I need Romance!! All of my male friends only look at me as a friend!”

Straight men look for women to get closer to on a daily basis. If you’re interested in dating, being in a relationship, marriage, having a family or what have you, you have to start from the very beginning. It’s a process! You first have to know your worth, be patient, and then put yourself in places where the type of men you’re interested in can find you. Your worth is how you view/feel about yourself, and it’s a representation of what you’re willing to accept from others in order for them to associate with you and have access to you/your time/your energy/etc.

Be patient! The average male will want to do nothing more than sleep with you with no commitment. Know your worth and bypass these types of men. Entertain the men who show you respect from the very beginning. Keep your options open!!! Date more than one man at once. You’ve got a life, you’ve got work, and then you’ve got leisure. You’ll be busy with life, so the men you come across will have to get in where they fit in.

They will sense that you’re busy and want to take full advantage of the time you have available for them. Once you’ve exchanged numbers… do not pick up that phone and call him. Wait… for him to call you!!! Once he calls you, make the best of the conversation by telling him details about yourself. Tell him about your education, your relationship with God, your relationship with your family, your favorite food/drinks, your likes/dislikes, what kind of sports you like to watch, your favorite movies, your favorite books, etc!

The benefits of doing it this way is… he now has enough information about you to plan a date that would cator to your taste. He does not need to know your favorite restaurant!!! That would insist that that is where you’re suggesting/requiring that he takes you there. Since you’re not paying for the date, allow him the opportunity to research places that work within his budget. This is where the fun comes in! You’ll have guys left and right trying to win you over. Forget about the guys who are used to you and used to seeing you regularly. Entertain the men who know absolutely nothing about you and will be “excited” about taking on this fresh/new challenge.

Be sure not to come off solely as a “cool chick” or a “home girl”. A man wants a woman who’s going to be a “woman”. He’s got enough “homies”. And so do YOU!!! On “date night”… do your hair, do your make-up, dress up as classy/sexy as you can. Avoid anything “slutty” because then he’ll just want to “bed you” right then and there and you’ll never get those lustful thoughts out of his head… EVER!!! No matter how hard you try!

If the date goes well, you (again) “be patient” and wait for him to reach out to you and ask for another date. To avoid being overly anxious, you have to keep yourself busy with work/life and dating multiple men at once!!! You don’t know what’s going on in that one date’s life. He could be in a relationship, he could only want sex, he could not be that into you, or whatever!!! But you don’t want to find yourself being “thirsty” over this one “great” date you had. And you WILL feel as though “most” of your dates went well because you haven’t been on the scene. So (again) I stress… be… PATIENT!!!

Now if you like the guy that you’re dating, show him a little love and let him know you enjoy his company as well. You can’t be cold and not give him any signals at all. You have to remember… he is dating multiple women too! And he can’t afford to spend his time/energy/money on a woman who’s not giving him any feedback on how the date is going or how she feels about him. In order to get a 2nd date from him, he has to feel the connection/feel the vibes/feel the energy and know that you’re into him.

While you’re dating these multiple men, you evaluate them on all of their actions. Is he opening doors for you? Is he making arrangements and paying for the date? Was he on time? Did he call you as opposed to texting? Was he a gentlemen? Some men simply don’t know better. Some men simply don’t do better. Either way, you will have your answers on or before the first date. But it’s up to you to know your worth and not settle for anything less than what a lady deserves.

After dating a guy, talking to him, getting to know him, etc… if you are satisfied with his personality, character, then you can consider him for a promotion. By now, he will want to have more of your time, and he will want to sleep with you. But no sex until there’s a commitment. If you give him sex before the commitment, you run the risk of him no longer wanting to compete for your time/energy. Get the commitment first.

There’s no need to give him an ultimatum! He’ll already be chasing you because he sees that you don’t have enough time to give him due to your busy work schedule, life, and dating other guys. Not to mention, he hasn’t had the pleasure of being intimate with you. So after all the time/energy/effort/money he’s been spending on you, he will want to know where things are going. Or better yet if things “can” go somewhere… because you’re beginning to get “expensive” lol.

A man spending his time/energy/effort/money is a great way to measure his true interest in you. Because this means a lot to a man. So if he’s putting forth this type of effort, you either reward him because you want it to continue, or you leave him alone because you’re not interested. So put yourself out there, get some dates lined up, evaluate each guy you meet, and make a choice which guy you’d like to get closer to. Let me know how things go 😉

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No Commitment=No Sex

Although birth and sex are typically a woman’s most valued treasures, a woman’s mind is the most invaluable possession a woman has. Her ability to use her mind to maintain control over men and situations are simply amazing, but only if/when she realizes the gift that she has, and uses it to remain in control. You have more to fear from dealing with a man who wants access to your mind than with your body. A man who wants access to your body is clearly seeking physical pleasure. A man who wants access to your mind is after more! How much more is totally ambiguous.

Even if a man doesn’t value your body for what it’s truly worth, then as a woman “you” should. A man can’t get inside of you unless you let him, so if you’re going to allow a man to come into your personal space and be intimate with you, then it should be with a man you love, trust, and respect and who reciprocates these same things. When you involve yourself with a man who loves you, you trust him, and he respects you, you won’t have to worry about him abandoning you when things don’t go perfectly, because if he loves & respects you, it’s evident that it’s not in his character to do so.

You also won’t have to worry about the sex being bad, because the sex you have “together” will be based on the things you’ve grown to like “with each other”. It’s “exclusive” and incomparable to any other experience. You’ll love the way he kisses you, the way he touches you, the way he makes love to you, and you’ll have an appreciation for the way “he” romances you. And if there’s anything that you don’t like about the sexual experience you’re having together, you can talk to each other about it and challenge one another to make your sexual experience with one another better.

This is the consideration that one has for the person they love, trust, and respect. Love, trust, and respect isn’t developed over night and it’s not handed out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Trust and respect is earned and when it is earned, love is given! And just as trust, and respect is earned, the privilege of having sex with you should be earned as well. If you don’t set any standards or make any requirements for a man to meet prior to having sex with you, a man will sleep with you and totally disregard you and your feelings because whether you realize it or not, he has lost all respect for you. He’s already reached the ultimate form of pleasure with you and has no reason to return unless he wants more sex with no strings.

Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies. When you give your body to a man who hasn’t earned that privilege, you leave behind a legacy of being someone whose fast, easy, and doesn’t respect herself. As a woman, you should never want to be remembered by anybody in this world in that light.  You have a future ahead of you and you don’t want your past to come back and haunt you. Always carry yourself with dignity and respect, place value on your body and only give yourself to a man who is deserving of it.

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Getting a grown man who isn’t contributing out of your house…

It is the responsibility of the parent(s) to show their son what it means to be born a male as opposed to being born a female. The father sets an example by showing him how to provide for his family (at the very least), and the mother sets an example by showing him how a woman reciprocates when the man of the house is taking care of home. It should be communicated between the ages of 0-18 (in some way shape or form) that he will be required to leave the home and figure out what it is he wants to do with his life. At the age of 18, he should have a plan which involves something along the lines of starting his own business, getting a job, doing an internship, enrolling in college, joining the reserves, or doing something that will help build his future and allow him to be a contribution to society.

No matter what his relationship to you is (i.e. Son/Brother/Father/Boyfriend/Husband/Cousin/Friend, etc) if he is a male, he should not be allowed to live with you rent free. Once your son is out of the house… he’s out! If he wants to be let back in, he has to prove that he is doing something productive with his life (i.e. School, a job, internship, etc). Coming back for the summer while in school is ok (as he is working on obtaining a degree to better prepare himself for a future). <<< Proof that he is in no way looking for an “easy way out”, but moreso a place to relax while he focuses on his ambitions. <<< This extension should be cut off after a certain amount of years “post high school graduation” go by).

If he’s not out of the house for school and wants to come back, give him a 30 day grace period, and then let him know that he will be required to pay rent after that 30 day period if he would like to stay. It doesn’t have to be a large amount, but “an” amount from out of his pocket. <<<< Doing this builds character!!! It lets him know that “There Aint No Such Thing As A Free Lunch!!” Babying him will only encourage him to come back to you any and every time he makes poor life decisions or is faced with tough times. Being his safety net each and every time isn’t helping him, it’s hurting him! If (hypothetically speaking) you’re married, having your son move back in may cause turmoil between your son and his father or step-father, so you may be better off doing what mom’s do and just slide him a few dollars to help him stay afloat.

I know you love him, but you can better prepare your son and also build his character by giving him a little tough love. And besides… as a young man, he should be overly anxious to get out of his mother’s house and be out on his own… Making his own money, paying his own rent, buying his own food, cooking his own food, doing his own laundry. BTW the above courtesy should only apply to family! Never allow a man you are not related to by blood stay with you (for free) under any circumstances. If you really want to help, refer him to a local shelter where they will take care of grown men at no charge. This will humble him and motivate him to find employment, save his money, and get the HELL out of there ASAP!!! And if being in a shelter isn’t humbling enough or isn’t motivating enough, then let his sorry behind stay right there!

A great way to be taken for granted or taken advantage of is by giving someone something for free when they haven’t earned those privileges. They’ll get so comfortable to the point where they start to feel a sense of entitlement. If you currently have a man who’s living in your house, and you’re interested in knowing how to get him out of your house, then it’s safe to say that this has been going on for quite some time now. With that said… do not feel bad about this next piece of advise! Sit him down and have a heart to heart. Let him know that he was born a male. And since he was born a male, he has certain responsibilities, and there are certain things that are required of him (as a man). He needs to know that he is expected to be able to take care of “himself”. And if he wants to be involved with a woman (on any intimate level) that he needs to be able to contribute to her life “financially” (at the very least).

Let him know that he has 30 days to figure out where he’s going to go and what he’s going to do, and that he has to find another place to live. At first, he will feel as though you don’t love him, don’t respect him, and don’t appreciate the things that he does contribute to your life, but you will see through his actions that he heard what you said and he’s taking heed. In the morning, you won’t see him there because he’s out looking for a job! He’s now going to be so concerned with not having a comfortable place to sleep within the next 30 days, that he will find that job,and work on taking care of his responsibilities. If he doesn’t… never stress over things that are not in your control! That’s his life & his problem!

Don’t worry about how you’re gonna get him out (particularly if he isn’t on the lease). A man has his pride, he will find another place to live someway/somehow before it comes down to you getting the police involved. But if it comes down to it, make the call and have him removed. Enough is enough! It’s time for him to grow up!!! At first, he won’t be able to appreciate what you’ve just done for him, but once he’s got a job, is making his own money, buying his own food, doing his own laundry, making his own way, he will feel so good as a man (inside and out). And he will not only respect you for what you did, he may even come back and thank you for what you did. Because had you never put your foot down, he would probably still be in your house, comfortable… with no immediate plans on doing anything to take care of himself (let alone take care of you). But thanks to you… not anymore 😉

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

Men Who Keep In Contact With Their Ex

When breaking up with someone, you want to make sure that you’ve gotten your ex completely out of your system. There’s typically this downward spiraling effect that lets a couple know that their relationship is coming to an end. Before the relationship actually ceases and desists, there’s often a back and forth “break-up and make-up” ordeal that some people in broken relationships use to help bring them closure. Going back to a relationship that isn’t working in hopes of finding relief isn’t the most proactive solution, however it is one of the most commonly used. With this in mind, it’s important to thoroughly get to know a person and also inquire about their relationship history, because you can’t move onto the next… until you’re through with your ex.

Being emotionally involved with someone and then suddenly disassociating yourself is easier said than done. In some cases, there’s a severe amount of pain inflected and the first thing the victim wants to do is run in the opposite direction without properly severing the ties. The fastest way to eliminate a problem, it to address it! If someone in your life is directly affecting you emotionally, financially, or spiritually, a direct approach needs to be made. You take away the other persons power and you free yourself of any guilt or obligation when you take care of your responsibilities.

A proper exit to a failed relationship is essential to your future relationship success. The way you exit this relationship will have a strong influence on your emotional availability in your next relationship. Instead of ending your relationship frustrated or angry, things should be ended on a happy note. When you’re in an emotional state filled with anger and frustration, it’s difficult to think clearly and make logical and rational decisions. This means that you’ll both agree to move on with your lives, you’ll agree to be cordial when you see one another, and you’ll agree not to hold any grudges towards one another.

By ending a relationship on bad terms, you leave room for guilt to linger; the thought of never saying what was on your heart/mind and not allowing your ex to do the same. While this guilt lingers, there may be moments of vulnerability where you might want to finally allow yourself and your ex to “get things off your chest”. This could open up doors that lead places that conflict with the current relationship you’re in. These tender emotions that are coming back up could lead you back into your ex’s arms (if only for that moment), and also cloud your vision as to what you really want now that this person is “back”! The longer you wait to address a problem, the greater the problem gets.

As someone coming in as the rebound, it’s important that you take your time and get to know this person before getting emotionally involved. By asking questions about a person’s relationship history, you will begin to see who he really is, and measure his emotional availability. If a man has been hurt by his ex, or if he is still emotionally attached to his ex, then he won’t be ready to give his heart to another woman. You need to know when their last relationship ended, why it ended, and if he’s ready to date new people. Him being emotionally unavailable has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you, this is simply indication that he is not ready to open up a new chapter in his life because he hasn’t yet closed the old one with his ex. This is not to say that he’s still romantically interested in her, this is simply to say that he has not completely ended things with her in his heart.

It’s impossible to completely cut off a relationship where the heart was involved without due process without experiencing a high level of guilt. Ending the relationship should be done the same way it began… and that’s with a conversation. No matter what went wrong in the relationship, it’s important to show one another dignity and respect during your exit and completely end things in that final conversation, otherwise there will still be thoughts, feelings, and even repressed desires that were never expressed that need to be expressed, and can only be done through one another. When you don’t give your ex the opportunity to express themselves during the exit, you are granting them space and opportunity, or you give them a reason to come back into your life.

If his ex is still calling, then she is still relevant, no matter how many times he’s asked her to stop calling. If they ended things with a conversation and have agreed to part ways and respect each other’s wishes, then that’s what they would do for one another. If it appears that they are not on good terms and she’s constantly calling your man, then take a closer look at your man. There’s a reason why she is calling, and don’t for one second allow your man to convince you that it’s because she’s “madly in love” with him. He’s either still sexually involved with her, is still in a relationship with her, or perhaps she suffers from having abandonment issues, and he walked out on her without giving her any closure. In any event, take your eyes off of her for a moment, and fix your eyes closely on “him”. The treatment that he’s giving his ex right now, could one day be you.

After a break-up there should be a healing period, where you reflect on your life, your well-being, and your future. This healing process shouldn’t be interrupted by a new relationship. So if you find yourself meeting a man during his healing process, you will be his “interruption”. You’ll be taking him off the path he needs to be on to start loving himself again, and making himself emotionally available to love someone else.  Much better for you to acknowledge his position, step back and be a friend to him, get to know him while he’s in this vulnerable state, and learn as much as you can about him while he builds himself back up from this past relationship.

His issues with his ex are his issues. If you sense that your man still has ties with his ex, remove yourself from his life while the two of them sort them out. While he’s sorting out his life, you should be sorting out yours, not waiting for him to come back around. He may find that his heart belongs with his ex, and if that’s the case, wish him the best. There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. The one you give your time to should be a man who gives you hope, not doubt! This is why he’s called “The One”… out of all the other possible men you could choose from, he is the one you felt added the most value to your life. Instead of settling for less, wait for more!

“20 Steps To Building A Long Lasting Relationship With The Man You Want”

Marriage is meant to be a life-long commitment, so it deserves every bit of special attention when preparing yourself for it. Before taking this step towards a happy life with someone else, you want to make sure you have a happy life as an individual. Marriage isn’t only about having a man who will take care of you; it’s also about you being ready, willing, and able to take care of him. These 20 steps will serve as an excellent guide for preparing yourself for a happy, healthy relationship, and help you work towards a marriage.

Step 1: Self-evaluation- (i.e. How do you feel about the person you are inside and out?) You have to love yourself before you love someone else.

Step 2: Presentation- Always present yourself as the person you want to be known and remembered as. Men are visual and will evaluate you 1st based on your appearance and also by the way you carry yourself.

Step 3: The Introduction- Remember you’re a lady! Maintain control! Just give a guy you’re interested in “the look” & he will come right over & initiate convo. This will show your submissive side, while allowing him to take the lead.

Step 4: Friendship- There will be plenty of time for sex, but if you want a future with this man, 1st get to know him and find out if you even like the guy. Friendship is the key to romance!

Step 5: Dating- Focus on the man who focuses on you, but in the meantime, keep your options open. Date multiple people at once.

Step 6: Sex- Friendship doesn’t come with benefits. Benefits come with a commitment. If he wants sex, your relationship has to be exclusive. Know your worth!

Step 7: Commitment- You’ve been dating this guy for a while, the chemistry is great, and you’ve established a great friendship, and you’re ready to take the next step. Go ahead and make it official! Let him ask to be exclusive with you.

Step 8: Incorporate The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships (according to Chey B.) Those habits are: Respect, Love, Trust, Support, Loyalty, Honesty & Communication.

Step 9: Consistency- Everything you brought to the table in the beginning should not only remain, but it should get better. Never stop competing for your partner’s love and affection.

Step 10: Share your world! Introduce your partner to any/everyone who is important in your life. This shows him that you want him to be a part of it. Even a man wants to feel special.

Step 11: Space- Allow each other just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Give yourselves the opportunity to miss one another.

Step 12: Growth- If you want to grow as a couple, it’s important that you do things “as a couple”. Not all the time, but most of the time.

Step 13: Secrets- If you can’t be open and honest with your partner, you are not ready for a relationship. Stay single until you’re ready to be vulnerable. Being in a relationship means that you’re a team! Keep secrets with your partner, not from your partner.

Step 14: Male friends- Platonic friendship is an oxymoron! All men have a motive! Friendship is the key to romance and men use this approach to get close to a woman’s heart, mind, and body! Your partner should be your one and only male friend! Keep the peace in your relationship by dismissing them all!

Step 15: Single friends- You’re in a relationship now! From time to time, your single friends will invite you out to share their world, but instead, invite them in to come and share yours instead. Use this as an opportunity to show your single friends the value in being in a committed relationship while also strengthening yours.

Step 16: Engagement- Don’t waste countless years of your life hoping, wishing, and praying for a marriage proposal. A man knows from the very beginning whether he wants to marry you or not. Expect a proposal no later than year two or three.

Step 17: Wedding Plans- Communicate with your partner, set a time-line for the activities leading up to the wedding, as well as a tentative wedding date, work together and find a way to include both parties’ family and friends to help assist. Start planning the wedding within weeks after the engagement.

Step 18: Getting Married- After 2-3 years of following the rules of relationships, you’re certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Go for it! You are about to become an official team; you are one! Let no one and nothing come between you two. You marriage should be impenetrable and inseparable! Always protect and value this union!

Step 19: Moving in- You’re about to find out new things about your husband. Don’t be alarmed; simply observe, take notes, and prepare to make any necessary adjustments.

Step 20: Relationship Turmoil- Remember all the steps you took to get to where you are, and know that your marriage is worth fighting for. Never stop loving one another. Marriage is forever!

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-AskCheyB

 

Ways of knowing your first date went well…

It’s important to have a few conversations over the phone prior to going out on an actual date so that you can get a feel of one another’s personality/character, and so that you can fill each other in on your personal interests, likes/dislikes, favorite foods/drinks, hobbies, education, work, background, and things of that nature. This gives the man an opportunity to register everything that you’ve mentioned and figure out what would be best for an official first date based on the things he’s learned about you. <<<< By him doing this, it shows that he’s willing to put forth time, energy, and effort into making sure that the official first date isn’t completely “generic” and that he feels you are worth going the extra mile for. <<< This is a great way to start a relationship off, and this is the first sign to see just how interested he is in potentially building a long lasting relationship with you.

Going out on an actual date is a great opportunity to see just how much a person is interested in you. It’s something fun to look forward to that will take you away from the kids, your job, and life’s hardships for at least a few hours. You get to throw on something nice, relax, and see what lies ahead with this new person. The less interested a man is in a woman, the more difficult it will be for him to bring himself to take initiative, plan a date, court a woman, and actually pay for the date because he knows that he’s simply not that interested in her and he just wants to sleep with her. So if a man takes this step, it’s at least a sign that he’s willing to try once and see how things go. And there’s no love lost in going out on date with someone you’re simply curious about.

Being on a date requires a person’s full attention, face to face interaction, eye contact, intellect, and more importantly it involves both parties time/energy/effort/money. The  first date sets the tone on whether or not there will be a 2nd date, or possibly a future, so anything that’s in your control should be kept under control (i.e. Putting your cell phone on vibrate so that there are no interruptions, making sure not to look at other people whom you may find attractive as they walk by, and for the men, picking up the tab). <<<< These are signs that you respect each other and want to maintain that respect for future encounters.

A date can either seem too long, or too short. Time will fly when you’re having fun. If the energy is great, the vibes are there, and the conversation is flowing, neither one of you will be paying attention to the time. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that if one of you had an important appointment after the date, that you would be willing to run a few minutes late just to spend a little more time on the date. <<<< This is when you know things are going really well!!! At the end of the date there will be a warm feeling in your heart and you’ll want to somehow show your affection to this person.

This is when you pull back a little so that the man will want to look forward to earning those privileges in the future. Pull back “graciously” (not with an attitude). You don’t want to confuse him and ruin your chances for a 2nd date. And you don’t want to show too much affection, get him aroused, and have him trying to get you back to his place at the end of the date!!!!  A hug and a “Thank you for the nice evening out” is sufficient enough. A passionate kiss will have him thinking about you sexually, and he’ll want more and more right away! Don’t be a tease. If you’re going to be a lady, be consistent through and through.

If the date did not go well, you’ll notice a lack of interest in the eyes, in the tone of their voice, in their body language during the date. They sometimes will portray a lack of respect by doing things such as looking at people whom they may find attractive walking by, texting, answering their phone, or they may even cut the date short due to an “emergency” or a “meeting”. He might be bold enough to request that you go dutch, or if he picks up the tab, he might do so with an attitude. He’ll only make sure you made it home safely if he drove you there. If you hear from him again, it won’t be to go on a 2nd date… it will be to come over to his place or to yours.

This is how “males” handle a date that didn’t go well. Men don’t write women off completely. When a man isn’t interested in a woman, he’ll still sleep with her, but he will no longer consider her for a relationship. With that said, dating is completely out!!! Women on the other hand will simply end all communication and move onto the next. There’s a world of possibilities as to what a person might do when they’re simply not that into you. But what counts is the way you both feel about each other after this encounter. If you don’t sense an immediate desire to be connected during and after the date, chances are the chemistry between you and the other person is not strong enough to warrant a 2nd date or further exploration. <<< If this is the case, cut your losses, and devote your time/energy/effort/money into someone you can potentially grow with.

If the date went well, you will notice that he will continue to do things (after the date is over) to prove that he is worthy of and interested in having more of your time (i.e. Picking up the tab, opening doors, making sure you made it home safely, and then… you will hear from him again before he goes to bed letting you know that he enjoyed his time with you). He will reach out to you whenever you’re on his mind throughout the week, and he will inquire on when he can see you again. <<< If this is the case, you’ve got yourself a winner. Have fun on your 2nd date! Good luck 😉

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