#ManDayBlog Every Woman Loves A Man Who Has Integrity And Good Character

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It takes a lot to be a good man, that’s why being a good man is so admirable amongst other good people. It takes discipline, sacrifice and a long track record of good decision making to bring out these great qualities, and that’s what will set you apart. It’s easy to take the low road because there’s no challenge, no one holding you accountable, and no one pushing you to be better. On the high road, you’ll find other people who are constantly making better decisions, reaching for new heights and encouraging one another along the way. The beauty of having integrity is that those who also have it will recognize it inside of you which will establish trust and prompt the start of a meaningful relationship.

Society is filled with people who lack integrity, which is why we as a people must be governed by regulated officials and authorities to ensure that we all live in fairness. Just imagine watching a sports game with no referees… the game would never end because it would boil down to integrity. And when a championship is on the line, you can count on integrity going right out of the window. It will be a matter of his word against theirs, so in the end who do we believe? If you choose the team on the left, you’ll upset the team on the right and vice versa. To eliminate these problems, we bring in a number of referees who are held to a higher standard and will call the game in fairness.

You don’t have to be an elected official to choose to live by a higher standard, you can simply be a son, brother, husband, father or friend. Your peers will respect you more if you have established yourself as someone who has good character and can be trusted. How do you build this trust? It’s simple, all you have to do is be the best man you can be, and that will require doing the right thing for yourself and for others. Your ability to prove yourself worthy of trust will be the staple that holds your relationship with other people together.

When you apply for a job, they ask a series of questions that reflect your work history, educational background, demographic and criminal history. All of the information provided on the application is relevant to the employer because before hiring you, they want to have an idea of who you are. They also want to feel confident in knowing that you are not only capable of doing the job, but also that you can be trusted with their resources and information. By being honest on your application despite how you feel it may hurt or improve your chances, you build trust with that employer. They’re going to do a background check anyway, and the truth is bound to come out, give them ahead start by being open and honest from the beginning.

In today’s times, people are always on guard because they’re so used to other people trying to manipulate or cheat a system to make it work in their favor. By being transparent, having integrity and being honest, you will have great success in not only bringing down those walls, but also in opening up doors. It’s a breath of fresh air to have someone around their friends, family and/or business that they can trust. If you can manage to be that breathe of fresh air, people will not only want to have you around, but they will need to have you around. Make yourself indispensable by offering an open and honest relationship that is built on trust.

When establishing your inner circles at school or at work, the first thing people will notice about you is your character. People are interested in knowing who you are as a person, and once they figure you out, the information gathered will be the determining factor in who sticks around and who keeps their distance. Once you show that you have integrity, people will feel more comfortable about opening doors that lead to their wisdom, their network, and their resources. There will be subliminal tests thrown your way such as conversations about your relationships with women, money time and God. It may seem like nothing initially, but to them, your relationship with women, money, time and God is in fact everything!

People want to know about your relationship with other women because it reflects what you stand for as a man. People will be particularly interested in you relationship with your mother because she is the woman who brought you into this world. She laid down the foundation and has set the standard by which you will treat the woman you associate with in the future. Sometimes the opportunity to have morals, values and principles instilled in you by your mother is missed, and that has considerable influence on how you interact with other women. This information is extremely valuable to a man who has a sister, daughter or a wife. A man who knows his role looks to protect the women in his family against all possible threats, even if that means keeping a barrier between him and you.

Women are very sensitive, very delicate and look to a man for protection. For this reason, a woman of substance makes a man wait to get close to her heart and body. She wants to be sure that he can be trusted with it and that he won’t intentionally cause her grief and pain. Having a track record of being loyal, respectful, fair and kind will expedite your progress with a woman, as she will have lowered her guards just for you. If you want a woman to stay, give her hope. If you want a woman to leave, give her doubt!

People want to know about your relationship with money because it reflects your values and discipline. A man who values money and shows discipline can also be trusted with it and around it. By having a healthy relationship with money, people will feel more comfortable inviting you into their home and around their business and resources. Being a good steward of money will also propel your relationship with others to new heights because they will view you as someone who could help them do the same. The more people see value in you, the more they will want to invest in you.

People want to know about your relationship with time because they don’t want theirs to be wasted. If a person doesn’t make the best of your time, they shouldn’t be blessed with your time. They will look to see what you’ve done, what you’re doing and what your plans are for the future. It’s easy to pretend that you’re making progress and making moves, but to a person who’s really doing it, they’ll be able to see right through you. Being honest about your progress in life will allow others to see what you are missing from your life as well as what they can add to your life. Your time is too valuable to waste it on people who aren’t going places, and other people will feel the same way about you.

How you spend your time and who you spend your time with is important in the realm of building relationships. Take public figures for example, they cannot afford to be seen associating with people who lack integrity because that makes them guilty by association. The association with someone who makes poor decisions with their time is also a reflection of them and can hinder their progress in life. By spending your time doing positive things, you’ll attractive more positive people and opportunities. If you’re having trouble figuring out how to stay positive, simply surround yourself with positive people.

People want to know about your relationship with God because your level of spirituality portrays that you acknowledge a power that is greater than you. Submission to this higher power keeps you humble, influences your attitude towards others. Not only will your relationship with God help your relationship with others, but it will help you to build a relationship with yourself. You will begin to see the value in you, understand your worth, and use your findings to inspire others. God is love, and when you make a spiritual connection, you will start doing things out of love.

Your reputation is everything, so be protect it at all costs. It’s easier to walk in truth than to fight over a lie. Every day you should look to improve as a man, and you do this by being proactive and always aspiring to have more. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, so take pride in working your way up to the top, and when you get there help others get there too. Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies, so start building yours today. When you leave this earth, stories will be told about the way you lived your life and the things you achieved. You are in a position to write your own story in the way you want others to tell it, and that’s by living in truth.

When others speak about your character, you want them to speak highly of you and to model after you. You want people to be inspired by your struggle, inspired by your failures and inspired by your successes.

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#Free Advice Wednesday Question Of The Week “How Do I Start Up A Business With No Money?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: I have an idea to start a business, but don’t know how to get started. I don’t have the money to fully invest in myself, but if I had a financial investor, I think I could do much better. What would you recommend?

A: Thanks for your question. You’re on the right track. You’ve got the idea, now you simply need to figure out how to market it. Even if you were sitting in a room full of millionaires and billionaires, you wouldn’t get a single penny out of them unless you had a solid plan as to how your business is going to be profitable. Investors don’t care about your great idea, they care about how you’re going to make them more money. After you’ve come up with your idea, create a business plan that shows investors who your company is, what your company offers, and how it’s going to generate revenue and grow annually.

In the mean time, use what you got to get what you need. It doesn’t cost a penny to create a professional email address, create social media accounts, start a blog or create a website for your business. Get the word out about your business by offering your products and services for free and gathering testimonials. Ask every person you network with to connect with you via social media. Collaborate with other industry professionals and tap into each other’s networks. Create a buzz of your own that radio, newspapers, magazines and TV can’t ignore. Barter services with people who have the resources to help get your business to the next level.

As your network and your resources begin to grow, always remember to give back to the community. This is a great way to not only help others, but build relationships with the people who support your business or may not even be aware of your business.

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#ManDayBlog Every Woman Loves A Man Who Is Financially Responsible

Two things that we men value most in life are our time and our money. Our time gives us the opportunity to build relationships, find happiness and make a difference in this world. Our money helps us to further reach those goals. In order to be successful at building relationships, finding happiness and making a difference in the world, we must learn to properly manage one of the things that help us to do so. Our money has the power that we give it, but before we give it, we must place some sort of value on it.

When I was a kid, I placed high value on pennies, but apparently not everyone did. I would find pennies in the couch, outside on the ground on the floors of stores, you name it. Since nobody else wanted them, I would pick them up, put them in my piggy bank and over time would wrap them up in 50-cent wrappers and spend them. I remember asking my family members to save their pennies just for me. They happily obliged and every time I saw them, I had a few dollars that I could spend (in pennies). These brown, dirty coins meant the world to me because it afforded me everything that I wanted at the time.

My appreciation for pennies as a child has helped me tremendously as an adult because I learned how to appreciate money right down to the cent. I also realized that if I wanted to have more than just pennies, I wouldn’t find them lying around on the ground, in my couch or on the floor of a grocery store, but I had to earn it. My mother had 5 boys and 1 girl, so if you can imagine, money had to stretch over all of us, and if we wanted anything extra, we had to earn it. My siblings and I caught on to this early on and began our entrepreneurial endeavors. We knew that no matter how much money we earned while we were out hustling, we had to make it stretch over time.

I would always wonder where my older brothers were getting their extra money from, because I knew for sure that my mom wouldn’t dare overlook me (the obedient one) lol and give only to my brothers. They finally let me in on their secret and told me they were bagging groceries at Shop Rite at Route 440 in Jersey City. I was excited because this was something that I could do; all I had to do was get my older brothers to take me with them. They soon obliged and I immediately went to work bagging groceries, pushing their carts to their car and getting tipped for my good service.

I had more money in my pocket than ever (tax free), not that I knew what taxes were at 9 years old. Now what to do with all this money, hmmmm? I bought popcorn, pretzels, a hero, oodles of noodles, a case of soda, fruit snacks, and kept the rest for a rainy day. I was in HEAVEN! The best part was we all had our own money, so we didn’t have to try our usual scheme to mooch off of one another’s dough. This was my first taste of financial independence; money that I earned on my own that didn’t come from mom.

As the money came and went, I quickly learned what it meant to earn a living and be financially responsible. I enjoyed when the money came, and was sad when the money went. I had to figure out how to get the money to stay in my account otherwise I’ll never truly be financially free. I know, these aren’t the typical worries of a 9 year old, but my entrepreneurial spirit kicked in early! I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I didn’t want to have to depend on my mother to give it to me.

For a lot of young men, there are no lessons on what to do with a dollar once he gets it. This often results in a boy who grows into a man not understanding the value of money. When there’s no value in principle placed on a dollar, he’ll treat it as if it’s just a dollar. But no, it’s more than just $1, it’s a tool that can help you build anything you want in life, all you need is a blueprint. When you think about an infrastructure, there’s a blueprint for what you foresee coming to life in the future. There’s also an advisory board consisting of stakeholders, contractors, and investors who are involved in the process of the development.

Before the shovel even hits the dirt, there is a plan on what to do with every dollar invested; also known as a budget. This budget is designed to invest in anything that will add value to your progress and help avoid any overspending. This way when you decide to go into your bank account to make withdrawals, you have a certain amount allocated to whatever it is you’re doing while leaving some left over. Without a budget, you’ll be prone to empty out the entire account and spend with no end in sight. This is fast and easy way to stay broke, by not budgeting your money.

Figure out what your expenses are on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis and try to keep them at a minimum. If you can avoid adding on new expenses, by all means do so. Your fixed expenses such as your rent, car note, cell phone bill, transportation, food, etc should be accounted for in advance. If your expenses outweigh your income, you’ll either have to cut down your expenses or figure out a way to generate more income. Maybe a cheaper rates plan on your cell phone, or cut down on driving and take public transportation. The idea is to balance out your account to where you have more coming in than going out.

This will help you gain the financial freedom that you desire which will give you more time to spend with your friends, family and loved ones. With all of these things, you will gain peace of mind. Managing your money isn’t something that’s impossible; it’s simply something that you have to work towards. You have to learn to respect the money that you earn, and use it to invest in things that will yield a return. The more you invest in things that yield a return, the more returns you’ll have coming in. If you spend every dollar that you have, you’ll have to work longer and harder to keep money coming in.

If you’re working a full-time and you’re always broke, it’s not the income that’s the problem it’s the outcome. The money is there, but the person who possesses it isn’t making the best use of it. Anytime you get a dollar in your hand you should think to yourself, “How can I turn this $1 into more?”. If you have that kind of attitude towards money, you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of more it. Work smarter, not harder.

When I was 6 years old, I was hit by a car and the judge awarded me a large settlement that I would receive once I turned 21. When I was 6 I would say I would use the money to buy my mom a house, and would disregard any sibling who was ever mean to me. Lol As I grew older, as my feelings towards my mother changed (typical kid) and as my expenses grew my mind slowly changed. I was a sophomore in college and boy could I use the money. I took a lump sum as opposed to receiving payments every 5 years.

I thought to myself “Tomorrow’s not promised, and if I’m smart about my investment, I’ll have made far more money than this settlement could offer by the time I’m able to receive it”. I invested in a new laptop, made a payment on my school tuition, put some in the bank, and invested $10,000 into my new photography equipment. To date, I’ve made that money many times over with my photography business and am very much satisfied with the decision I’ve made to pursue my passion. I could’ve went on a crazy shopping spree with all that money, but that would not yield me any future return. The goal for me was to invest in something that could forever generate income.

When you make your first investment, and it goes well, share it with your close family members and friends. This is a great way to build relationships with them and to show them where you are in life. When people see that you are buying your first home, starting your own business, or giving to charity, you’ll motivate them to do the same. People want to be surrounded by positive and successful people, so make sure that you make the cut. The way to get invited into one of these circles is to simply focus on your life, your business and your finances and work towards success.

All it takes is discipline, a set of goals and a plan of action and you are on your way to becoming the financially responsible adult you are destined to be. This will help boost your esteem, improve your level of confidence, increase your chances of a successful relationship with a woman, and expand your network. When your money is right, you’ll have more room to have fun and enjoy life, which you’ll likely want to do now that you can afford it. You’ll go out more, meet new people and experience new things, and that’s what life is all about. Before you can distribute the money, you first have to learn how to handle the money.

Figure out your strong points, your passion, and your desire, then work in a field that will help you grow spiritually as well as financially. Pay your tithes, pay yourself, and then take care of your other expenses. Have a set amount of money that you keep in savings each month and avoid the temptation to spend it. Invest in others not only in money but also with your time and you will open up doors that yield great financial and spiritual returns. Have a budget set aside for emergencies, charitable giving and personal leisure. With all the money and blessings that come your way, don’t forget to give back and create opportunities for generations to come.

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Take Care Of Home

There’s nothing more important in this world than family. Your family comes before your job, before your friends and before your personal interests. These are the people who stand by you through thick and thin, who support you when you’re up and when you’re down and who love you unconditionally. They’re significant in your life and they make a difference in your life, which is all the more reason why you should put them first. People will come and go throughout the years, but your family will always be there. Take pride in being a family man because peace of mind starts right at home.

When your house is in order, you’ll be in a much better mood to tackle the rest of your day, and it will show in your attitude. You’ll smile more, speak more and shine a light on everyone around you. It will give you great pleasure that not only is there peace in the home, but you were a contributing factor.

Every Woman Loves A Well Dressed Man

As you grow and mature, show should your wardrobe. When you’re a child, it’s cool to wear sneakers that light up, jeans with all types of crazy designs and hats with your favorite cartoon characters on them, but when you’re an adult, not so much. The first thing people will notice when they see you is your attire, so give them a good show. From your hair-cut, to your outfit to your shoes, be sure to present yourself as the person you want to be known and remembered as.

Growing up in a house full of boys, I didn’t know WHAT to wear. I was too busy trying to dress like my older brothers. For years, my mom would try to nip that in the bud by dressing us all alike, but as we grew older, we wanted our own unique style. If my older brothers said it was cool, then it was, and if they didn’t I would still rock it with pride, defending it to the death. I had the good fortune of getting many hand-me-downs because I was much smaller than my older brother. Once they grew out of it, I gladly stepped into it.

Finally, I got to incorporate my older brother’s style into my wardrobe which was constantly growing. Even if the clothes didn’t fit me, I would find a way to make it work. We had lots of different ways to make our clothes last because we had to. The only time we went clothes shopping was during back to school season. For the rest of the year, we knew not to ask my mom to shop for anything! We had clothes from the previous year that we would reuse until that couldn’t be used anymore.

We could cut jeans into shorts, dye jeans black, or bleach them white; whatever we had to do to make them last. We didn’t have a lot of clothes, but no matter what, we were always sharp. Especially on Sundays, my mom didn’t play when it came to our “Sunday outfit”. We were “suited and booted” each and every Sunday, all dressed in the same cut suit. People always thought that me and two of my older brothers were triplets, and I would say “No, it’s just the suits”. lol

There was a lot of pressure growing up in the NY area to dress a certain way. For us, the latest fashion was Air Force One’s, Timberland boots, NY fitted caps and the big puffy goose coats. There was nothing particularly special about these things, they simply were apart of our culture at the time. And since everybody else had them, we wanted them. My mom never succumbed to the pressures of buying into the propaganda, she would simply stick to her regular once a year shopping habits. Thank God she did, otherwise I would be a total wreck trying to keep up with name brands and such.

In fact, I didn’t even know what a name brand was until I was in the fourth grade. I remember because I had gotten my very first pair of Nike’s. I was attending a new school, and someone made a comment saying “Oh I see you’ve got name brands”. I smiled and was like “Yea!” but in my head, I thought “what in the world is a name brand”. Prior to this instance, name brands meant nothing to me, I was simply happy to have a new pair of sneakers on my feet that I liked. After school I asked my older brother Shane “What is a name brand” and he gave me the answer.

Apparently, having name brand clothes and shoes some sort of stamp of approval amongst the people who thought they were cool. From that point on, I made a point to request name brand shoes when we went shopping. Of course, when we went shopping the name brands cost much more than regular sneakers, which resulting in me settling for a pair of sneakers that had the Nike brand, but was as ugly as sin. I didn’t have any clothes to match it, they weren’t diverse and could work with any occasion and it didn’t add any value to my life. I had been sucked into the vicious cycle that many of has become victims to.

When you’re a kid, you’re not concerned with the cost of things, because it’s not coming out of your pocket. All you can think about is making a good impression on your friends at school. You don’t want the cool kids to pick on you because of your poor style of dress or worst, being laughed at by the girls. You want to feel good about yourself, and please others at the same time. During the early stages of your life, finding your own identity will be one of the greatest struggles you will face in your life.

As you grow older and mature, your values will begin to change, as should your style of dress. Your goals are higher and your network larger, your vision clearer and your confidence stronger. Over time you’ve learned how to value the person who goes into the clothes and not merely the clothes themselves. You’ve told yourself over and over how valuable you are, how intelligent you are and how good looking you are. And then as you begin to dress yourself, you tell yourself “I look even better with these clothes”.

Your style of dress will change dramatically depending on where you are in life. I’ve had the good fortune of living in New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, and Texas, an each state had their own unique style. New York and New Jersey had very similar taste, however Atlanta and Texas was a whole nother world. In Atlanta the boys would actually tuck their jeans into their socks; strange, but it was their thing. In Texas, the boys would use a ridiculously excessive amount of starch on their jeans; very strange, but it was their thing.

No matter where I lived, I tried my best to adjust based on a number of things: who I was, where I was and the people who were around me. I wanted to “do as the Romans did” while I was in Atlanta, but also maintain my New York swag. I tried my best to hold onto my New York accent, and would occasionally tuck my socks into my jeans. While in Texas, I literally used an entire can of starch on my jeans and still could not get it right. I was losing myself trying to fit in; it did nothing for my budget, nothing for my credibility and nothing for my peace of mind.

In my junior year of high school, I transferred to Saint Anthony high school in Jersey City, NJ where I immediately joined the popular basketball program. Thank God we had a uniform that we wore everyday because I did not want to have to explain to my teammates why I was tucking my jeans into my socks or super creasing my pants. I would’ve ruined any possibility of a friendship with the guys, and I could forget about getting a date with the girls. Even with our uniforms the guys would figure out a stylish way to finagle their individuality. It wasn’t enough to wear khakis, you weren’t cool until you got the ones with pockets in them.

After graduation, I moved back to Texas and attended Texas Wesleyan University, but I refused to crease my jeans. “I’m a New Yorker”, I thought to myself “and I will stick to my Air Force One’s, Timberland boots, baggy clothes and NY fitted caps. I was the MAN during that period of my life, but still growing. All of the girls at college loved the way I dressed, my NY swag, and my NY accent. Down south they treat New Yorkers like we’re celebrities!

One of the problems that I faced was when I went back to NY, there was nothing special or unique about the way I dressed, my accent or my NY swag. Everyone and their mother had it! It was so bad, that you could hardly recognize a lot of the people because they all looked the same. The same Air Force One’s, Timberland boots, White T-Shirt, blue NY fitted cap and bubble coat (if it was winter). I was a statistic and it was all my fault; I didn’t know how to dress. Even my long braids was a fashion fad that was getting old.

I tried to apply to a job in NY and they said “No braids”. I loved my braids, but I was not going to let a hairstyle get in the way of my future. I remember the day, it was June 5, 2005 when I cut them and it felt good letting go. I felt like a grown man, and not only did I let go of the braids, I let go of the baggy clothes, Air Force One’s, Timberland Boots, and bubble coats. My new closet consisted of shoes, slacks, blazers, suits, ties, button down shirts, sweaters, vests and overcoats that fit. I’ve managed to completely re-invent myself by doing away with childish things and started walking, talking and dressing like a man. I wanted to look the way I felt, so I did away with everything that made me look like a boy running around the streets of Brooklyn and started to dress like a man who runs New York.

Sometimes in order to change your life you have to change your ways; this will require a complete destruction of your old self and a reconstruction of your new self. Now, when you walk into a room people will want to know who you are, what you do and even wear you shop. Women will be attracted because you dress and carry yourself like a man of purpose, an effective leader, and a role model. You will spark interest in others which will result in exclusive invitations into their social circles simply because you appear as if you belong. Finally, you will feel better about yourself as a man because now you’ve done more than simply made an adjustment to your wardrobe, you’ve made an adjustment to your attitude, and an even greater adjustment to your life.

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Every Woman Loves A Man Who Can Cook

There’s nothing like coming home to a nice home-cooked meal prepared by someone you love. You can tell the dish was made with love because they took their time to make sure that the flavors were just right, cooked to perfection and then served. Every cook who takes pride in their work can’t wait to hear that “Mmmm” sound after they take their first bite because that lets them know that their mission was accomplished. Food is without a doubt the way to a man’s heart, but guess what? Women love to eat too! You’ll find that amongst many other things, a woman loves a man who knows how to cook.

If you don’t know how to cook, learn how. It’s important for any man to know how to work his way around the kitchen not just for the sake of his lady, but for his own sake. Not only will learning how to cook fill your belly, but it will also build your character. Everything you learn can be taught, and cooking is one of those things that never goes out of style.You can make an evening of it, invite friends over for a pot luck, have one friend chop this, another boil that, while the others peel something else. Invite over a nutritionist or a professional chef to give you some pointers on how to make cooking healthy, easy and fun.

If you have children, there will be nights and days where you will have to prepare a meal for them, and it helps to be prepared ahead of time. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to prepare and cook meals even with limited supplies once you have the skills. Most kids want fast food (i.e. Cheeseburgers, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc). You can use this information to not only prepare a meal that you know they’ll love, but you can also include them. You see now, you’ve created the perfect bonding opportunity for you and your family. You can show them how to properly season, the right temperature to cook at, and use a timer to make sure nothing gets overcooked.

Kids love to be included in family activities that are fun, and cooking is certainly one of them. I remember as a kid, my mom would bake cakes, and my brothers and I would always volunteer to help. There were so many things we could do like crack the eggs, pour in the milk/water/oil/batter, and mix everything together. There were 4 boys in the house so we had to share the responsibilities, which was another thing we learned. We got a chance to set the oven and put the cake inside and when it was finished, we would all help put icing on the cake. Our favorite part was when we got to lick the bowl. 🙂

My mother knew how much we loved those special moments so she would include us as often as possible. After awhile, my mother no longer needed to micromanage us in the kitchen; we had baked caked so many times, we could do it with our eyes closed. We would talk, laugh, sing and dance in the kitchen as we prepared a delicious cake that we would later enjoy. My mom could’ve very well made the cake on her own and would’ve gotten finished with it 5 times faster without us, but it wasn’t about the cake. My mother was creating an environment where we could enjoy one another company.

It’s a good thing she knew how to cook because my step-father’s idea of a home-cooked meal was “Franks and Beans”. Anytime my mother went out of town, we would all look at each other like “What are we going to eat” lol. We had a skillet that plugged into the wall, and when my step-dad cooked chicken inside of it, it would make this delicious crispy chicken and skin that we loved. That was the extent of his cooking and we would soon resort to “Oodles Of Noodles”. We were young boys at the time, so we would make it work for the few days my mom would go away. When my mom finally returned, we would run to her and beg her never to leave again as if she were Jesus!

We missed my mom’s home cooked meals dearly and we were ever so happy to have her back. My step-dad missed the opportunity to bond with us over that weekend probably because his dad missed it with him. This is a cycle that can be broken and should be broken. Rolling up your sleeves and getting down in the kitchen isn’t a job just for women, it’s a job for anyone who wants to have a decent meal. While you’re single, you should be developing these skills on your own, which will add tremendous value to your relationship when you have one. In fact, you may even find love while shopping for groceries; there are plenty of single and eligible candidates right in your local market.

Eating out can get quite expense, not to mention you’ll have no creative control over what actually goes into your food. You’ll save a ton of money by going grocery shopping, preparing your own meals and eating in. You’ll also learn a lot about yourself during this process, like the kind of foods you like, foods you’d love to try, and dishes you enjoy preparing the most. You can create your own menu, perfect your signature dishes and who knows, one day you may even write a cook book or become a chef. There are so many wonderful possibilities that can stem from you learning how to cook.

Eating is something that no one can live without, so by learning how to supply this demand, you can make yourself indispensable in that area. Any woman who knows me knows that if she cooks for me, she’s my NEW best friend. At my church, they have a ministry for the men called “The Front Liners”, and at our bi-monthly meetings we talk about God, life and relationships. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s in it for me?” In addition to the food for the soul that we receive at these meetings, they also provide food for the body, and that has managed to pack the house every time. It’s not rocket science, it’s simply common knowledge that people are more likely to show up at places where there will be food.

Have you ever hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for your friends and family at your home? You would if you knew how to cook! It’s fun to entertain other people with your gifts, however it’s impossible to give out something that you are without. Don’t be ashamed to go online, ask a friend, or turn to a family member for cooking lessons. I’m sure if you provided the food and ingredients that they would love the idea of coming over to teach you how to prepare your favorite dishes. Give it a try, plan a day in advance and invite over a few of your closest family members, friends and relatives. You will come out of the deal will all sorts of delicious dishes and plenty of leftovers, but most of all, you’ll have a great bonding opportunity with your loved ones.

The internet is filled with great recipes on any and everything you could possibly imagine. Subscribe to your favorite YouTube channels and stay updated on their latest creations.There are plenty of other men just like you who feel they don’t have the time, the energy or the skills to cook a decent meal. Once you make a conscious effort to make your cooking ideas become a reality, you can take pride of showing the world otherwise. Post pictures and recipes on your social networks, inspire people who are or were just like you, and show that anyone can cook.

My grandfather Hayward C. Bostock was a great chef; he studied culinary arts and it showed. As kids, we loved going to his house so that we could spend quality time with our grandparents, but what we looked forward to the most was their cooking. There was never a time where they didn’t have a fancy meal laid out for us; lamb chops, stuffing, collard greens, mac n cheese, you name it! We would pray over the food, sit, eat and talk about whatever was on our minds. After our hearts were content and our bellies were full, we wold reminisce on all the previous delicious meals that came from that kitchen.

At first, we would assume that it was my grandmother who cooked all of the meals because traditionally the women would do the cooking. It was to our amazement that in fact it was my grandfather who did a lot of the cooking. That was a proud moment for us, it gave us a glimpse of the type of man my grandfather was. It showed us that he wasn’t too proud to prepare a meal for his lady, even in his old age. They had been married for about 50 years, and although they had gotten old, he kept things fresh and new in the kitchen.

When it comes to your relationship, preparing a meal for your lady will open up many doors. First, it will open up the doors to her heart; making the time to cater to your woman is a heart-felt gesture. It will open up the doors of conversation, for there will be many flavors, colors and textures to talk about. Not to mention the relaxed environment you’ll create to talk about even more important matters. Now that you’ve shown how much you care without being prompted to do so, she’ll feel inspired to do the same.

Adding this great quality to your life will make a remarkable difference within yourself, amongst your family/friends and with your lady. Women find men who cook to be very attractive, and you don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to fall in that category. If the both of you don’t know how to cook, don’t fret because that is yet another opportunity to bond if she is willing to learn. If you both already know how to cook, even better; take turns preparing meals for one another, and also join forces and create great meals together. Team work makes the dream work!

Ordering out is easy, taking the time to plan and figure out what to eat, how to make it, and then putting it into action can be easy too. You simply have to practice and get in the habit of doing it, and after awhile it will feel natural. Like everything else in life, you won’t know how to do something until you do it. Sometimes you won’t have access to hands on training, or and adviser to walk you through, so have faith in your abilities and you’ll be just fine. You’ll make many mistakes on this journey, but you’ll also make many corrections. And the best part about learning how to cook is the tasting. Enjoy!

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A Woman Will Submit To You When You Submit To God

Women are so amazing; they’re beautiful, smart, and resourceful and add tremendous value to the world in so many ways. In today’s times, more and more women are challenging themselves to do the impossible and are proving to be quite successful at it. They are opening up businesses, running multi-million dollar companies, raising children and looking good while doing it. No longer are women of substance confining themselves to a man’s kitchen or bedroom, they are out conquering the world. Somewhere out there she believes that there is a man who is strong enough, wise enough and loving enough to settle her down, but until then she will remain “Single By Design”.

Being single is the thing you do when you are establishing/finding yourself and/or when you haven’t met someone who meets your standards. You may not like it, but being single by design sounds like a genius plan to me. There’s no sense in a woman who is loves God, is thriving in her career, being of service in her community and being a great friend to many to settle for just you if you’re not offering anything greater. In order to get a woman to settle for you, that’s exactly what you need, evidence that you have access to something greater. The way to achieve that is by showing her that you are led by truth, and influenced by love.

Often times a man believes that a woman is obligated to follow his lead simply because he is a man, and I’m here to tell you that no woman of substance is going to let that fly. You have to prove to her that you have good leadership otherwise you’ll find yourself walking alone. Life is too short to waste valuable time accompanying someone on a journey that has no destination. Women of substance know very well how simple we men are; all we need is food, sex and peace of mind and we’re good. Once we get what we want, we aren’t remotely interested in catering to their needs.

Since this is so and has been proven countless times over, a woman must protect her investment and require you to do more in order to have her hand. Your words aren’t enough; she wants to see you put things into action. You’ve been there before, a woman will make you believe that there is hope for romance, will watch you spend your time and money, and then leave you hanging. In hindsight you’re thinking “I should’ve required XYZ before spending so much time, energy, effort and money”. And you’re absolutely right, your time and resources has value too, and it’s up to you to place value on it.

There are some women out there who will sell themselves short just so that they can say they have a man, but that’s not the woman you want. She’ll make you feel better about your shortcomings, and compensate for them in any way that she can, not because she loves you, but because she’s lonely. You’ll waste valuable time in this relationship because it’s not based on truth; the both of you are in denial. She’ll submit just enough to keep you around, but not enough to keep you moving forward. Her strength comes from your weakness, and it won’t benefit her to empower you to reach your goals.

Once you reach your goals, you will no longer need her, because there was never anything truly special about her to begin with. She was convenient for the time being, she made you feel comfortable about your situation, and over time you grew complacent. Over time, she’s learned everything about you and will use that information as her excuse not to submit. For example, “You don’t pay any bills” or “You don’t do any handy work around the house” or “You can’t afford to take me out”. Now, the relationship feels like a prison because neither one of you are looking for anything better, yet you’re miserable with each other.

In a woman’s heart, she knows whether or not you are a man who will love her and do right by her, sometimes she denies those feelings and continues on with the relationship. She’s hoping that one day you will be a better man and miraculously start caring more about the relationship. She’ll try her best to dumb down her brilliance just to make you feel more like a man, but after a while that gets exhausting. Not to mention, you know as a man that you should be doing better and that what she’s doing for you is pathetic. You’ll be just itching to get yourself in a better position so that you can throw it back in her face.

Well that certainly is no way to get a woman to submit to you because a woman’s willingness to submit will be motivated by your attitude. Your attitude towards people, money, time and things will have great influence over a woman’s decision to associate with you. You could be the richest and most successful man in the world, and it would mean nothing to a woman if your attitude were poor. But show a woman that you love life, you love her and you love God and she’ll follow you to the end of the earth. Love conquers all, which is why it should always be the foundation of your relationship.

When we take into account what it means for a woman to submit to a man, know that it does not mean that you are the boss of her. Submission means to yield! We all can recall when we were students in school, we would come into our classrooms and we would focus our attention on the teacher. In a classroom, there has to be order in order to get the most value out of the experience. The teacher is there to teach us based on her knowledge and experience, and we are there to learn from him/her.

Since they have taken the time to master their field of study, we trust that they are capable of leading us into prosperity. We don’t assume the role of the teacher because we hope to learn all he/she knows. We also want the teacher to be open to questions, comments and suggestions while still taking the lead. The teacher isn’t the boss of us, she’s merely there to help us learn and grow. Throughout the school year, his/her goal is to help us become better than we were when we started.

If we as students don’t submit to our teachers, we miss the opportunity to learn and grow. But also, the teacher must remember that in order to keep our attention and earn our respect is through their attitude. They must treat us with love, dignity and respect; otherwise we will lose respect for them. And we all know what happens in a classroom when the student doesn’t respect the teacher, and refuses to submit; they cause a disturbance. Not only does the disturbance affect the teacher’s ability to teach, but it also affect the student’s ability to learn.

In the end, both parties walk away empty handed. Their attitude towards one another has ruined the opportunity for growth. When it comes to growing in a relationship, it has to be a two-way street. You can’t ask someone to yield to you if you are unwilling to yield to anyone else. When I was growing up, it seemed as if grown ups did not like to be challenged, the only possible rebuttal they could come up with was “Stay in a child’s place” or “Respect your elders” or simply “Shut your mouth”. They wanted to have the authority over you, but refused to reveal their source that gave them the authority to “lay down the law”.

Now, I’m all for respecting elders, obeying parents, etc, but right is right and wrong is wrong and I can’t just go following behind stupidity. There needs to be some sense behind your leadership in order for me to invest my time. As you grow into a man, you will find that many of the things your elders said was just plain baseless, and you have to find your own source of knowledge just as they did. Some people pride themselves in saying “My momma always told me…” well sometimes momma didn’t have the slightest clue as to what she was talking about. This isn’t to discount the wisdom bestowed upon us from our parents, but rather to encourage you to find your own way.

Times change, but principles do not. A woman should know her role in a relationship, and as a man you should too. If you don’t know how to speak to a woman, you will disqualify your own self as a possible candidate. If you don’t know how to cater to a woman, a woman won’t want to cater to you. Everyone wants to be happy, so don’t be so quick to judge a woman simply because her standards require you to do some real work.

A woman knows when a man has true substance as opposed to a man who merely offers suspense, and will submit only to a man who has proven himself worthy. You can show a woman that you are worthy simply by the way you live your life. She wants to be able to trust your leadership and she’ll feel secure in knowing that you are led by God. When you submit to and are led by God, which gives a woman a standard to hold you to. She can now put her trust in God and follow the God that she sees in you.

If God is not in your relationship, then you shouldn’t be either. God is love, and as the leader, it is your job to introduce love into the equation and set the tone. If you want your woman to go to your church, it’s your job to lead her there. If you want a woman to cook, provide the tools that she needs to prepare it. If you want a woman to let you do the taking and negotiating, prove that there is power in your words. If you want a woman to stop going out all the time, give her a reason to stay home, or invite her to do things as a couple. If you want a woman to submit, you don’t have to use force, simply show her the God given power you have inside of you and give her something to submit to.

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A Woman Wants A Man With A Plan

Right before the start of the New Year, I write out my goals for the upcoming year. This helps me to stay focused on my day-to-day, week-to-week and month-to-month activities throughout the year. Having a plan for what you want to do with your life is a great way and the only way to become successful. There’s something about a man on a mission that every woman loves and finds extremely attractive. It shows his discipline, passion and purpose in life and that’s exactly the type of man she wants to lead her.

For men, we are taught to be protectors and providers, and for women they are taught to be nurturers. In order to properly balance a relationship, both parties has to know their role and play their role. It’s unfortunate, but in many cases, fathers completely abandon or neglect their responsibility to teach their sons how to be men. This results in men growing up as males, and not having the slightest clue as to what it means to be a man. It’s up to you to break this cycle, set goals and take action!

I have the privilege of talking to many female clients on a daily basis who express their desire to be in a relationship with a man. They feel as though they are submissive and would like to be lead by a man, but under no circumstances are they willing to submit to just any man. They want to submit to a man who is led by God, has submitted to God and is prepared to lead her into prosperity. To be quite honest, I don’t follow anyone who doesn’t have a solid plan and I’m a man. My time is too valuable to waste on ambiguity and that’s exactly how women feel.

Women have to sacrifice a lot to be in a relationship with a man, so you have to be prepared to accommodate her. “What do you mean women have to give up a lot”. Well when she marries you, she has to give up her maiden name and take on yours, she carries your baby for nine months and hopes to get her figure back, she takes care of the household and nurtures the people in it, and that’s just for starters. A woman who is willing to do all of those things wants to be assured that she won’t have to do so uncomfortably. Could you imagine having to struggle and carry a baby for nine months, bring him/her into a world with no security, and be disciplined by a man with no discipline?

You have to show a woman that not only do you have a plan for your own life, but you also have a plan for the life you are trying to build together. So often we men get distracted from our goals simply because we see a beautiful woman with a nice body. Sure, it’s fun in the beginning, but before long, she will look at you and say “What’s next”. Oh you’ve been there before fellas, everything is going well; you’re getting food, sex and peace of mind and then she hits you with “What are we?” “Where are we going with this?” “Are we in a relationship?”

Women want to be led, they want a plan, and they want to look forward to something fresh, exciting and new. When you first meet her, she wants you to initiate the conversation, ask for her number and then set up a date. She wants you to call her, take the time to get to know her, and then plan an actual date. After the first date, she will want another, then another, then another, and after she’s comfortable being around you, she will want even more from you. At this point, she doesn’t just want to date, she’s attracted to you, the days, weeks and months are going by and she’s not getting any younger.

After all this time spent together, she adores you and is fascinated about what you’re going to do next. She sees the value in you and is wondering if you see the value in her. She wants for you to ask her to be exclusive so that the two of you can grow together and build a legacy. She will have faith in you if you show her that you have plans on being in her life tomorrow. When you don’t take steps towards growth, you give a woman doubt about where the two of you stand in the relationship.

The vast majority of young women aspire to one day be in a loving marriage, have children, a nice house and all the wonderful things that come with it. She’s looking for her knight in shining armor and she’s hoping that that person is you. Yes, I know, marriage is the furthest thing from your mind right now because you’re too focused on your next paycheck, and that’s fine. By all means, get your personal and professional life together, but if you’re investing time in a woman, know that she’s expecting you to lead. If you can’t afford to date, then don’t!

Yes, there are many women who date for free meals, but we’re going to focus this part of the discussion on the woman of substance. Women of substance are tired of dating endlessly and aimlessly, tired of sleeping around and are looking for something solid/serious. All she wants is a man, who will love her, protect her, provide for her and do so on a consistent basis and be loyal. If none of those things are in your plans, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with a woman. The idea is to have a plan to constantly upgrade your relationship or marriage so that it doesn’t get stale.

For example, if you’re interested in a woman and she’s your co-worker, associate from church or classmate, upgrade the relationship to a friendship. A friendship will allow you to build a closer and more genuine relationship with a woman without any added pressure. You will open up a side of her that is warm, loving and sincere, and you will show her that same side of you. During this time, you will begin to explore what one another values and can then figure out how you can add value to her life. If taking the time to build with a woman isn’t a part of your plan, you are not ready to be in a relationship with a woman.

If you are willing to take your time and get to know her, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to upgrade the friendship to dating. This is where the two of you get to not only talk about the things you like, but you get to experience them. Women love to be entertained and you can never go wrong with taking a woman out on a date. Most women are so deprived of a good date that she’s likely to drop everything she’s doing just to be out of the house with you. All she needs to know is the time, date, location and it’s a date!

Why would a woman drop everything that she’s doing just to go out on a date with a man? Because she wants companionship, she wants to be seen in the latest fashion, glammed up and on the arm of a great man. Sure, she can take herself out, sure she can go out with her girls, but that gets old and she wants something new. This is what makes you so valuable to a woman, you have the opportunity to show her a good time and become a go-to source for fun and excitement.

The more you plan to show a woman a good time, the more she will want to be around you. Consequently, if you neglect the planning process, she will eventually get bored with you and outsource for fun and excitement. The whole point of being in a relationship is to enjoy being together, so it’s important to give her a reason to be in a relationship with you. It doesn’t get any simpler than figuring out a time, date, location and activity and extending the invitation to your lady. Plainly put, she doesn’t want to be the only one who has fresh ideas and the desire to enjoy life as a couple.

You will find that when you meet a woman’s folks, one of the first questions they will ask is your plan for the future. Why do they care? They care because they’re not getting any younger, they want the best for their daughter and they want to see their grandchildren grow up. You may be charming and good-looking, but none of that matters when it comes down to their daughter and her future. They want to know that you are reading, willing and able to protect and provide.  And rightfully so; you wouldn’t give your daughter away to some guy who didn’t have a plan would you?

The key to a long-lasting relationship is planning for it to last. You have to think about tomorrow, next month, next year and years to come, not just right now! You have to be honest with yourself about where you are in life and what your plan is for your future. Having a plan for your own life should be a pre-requisite for planning a future with a woman. A woman will believe in you for as long as you show signs of moving forward, and once those signs dwindle, she’s be moving out.

Enjoy the dating experience, the friendship and the previous association and then upgrade to a committed relationship. Upgrade your new relationship by introducing your partner to the people who are important in your life. Propose the idea of marriage and confess your love to her before God and witnesses. Fall deeper in love, have children and build your legacy. Once you’ve got the girl, treat her as if you’re trying your best to keep her. Don’t let the relationship get old, keep it fresh and new.

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What It Means To Be A Man

Often times when a male figure is lacking in strength, courage and/or wisdom you’ll hear a person shout “Be a man!”. They say this because as a man, society holds us to a higher standard, a standard that requires us to possess great leadership skills, discernment, and a sense of fearlessness. Yes, we are all human, we make mistakes, we fall short, we grow weary, and we certainly don’t have the power to know it all, but as a man, it’s our responsibility to come up with a plan to try and figure it out against any and all odds. It goes back to principles. If you base everything you do in life on principles and stay focused on those principles, you will achieve progressive results in every aspect of your life.

Every man has the ability to lead, we simply have to believe in ourselves, swallow our pride and let go of fear so that we can be effective in our leadership. There’s nothing wrong with falling, just so long as you get back up, learn from your mistakes and try again. People will respect your more for attempting to do something great, rather than attempting to do nothing at all. Fear, pride and ego can hold you back from achieving the impossible if you let it, but once you learn to overcome it, you will reach unbelievable new heights. Once you have a plan for the level of success you want to reach, you will be well on your way.

Take for example a man’s desire to get close to a woman. You’ll first have to plan your approach based on a number of different factors: Her mood, surroundings, body language, etc. After figuring out the best way to approach her, you then have to figure out a way to conclude what she is missing from her life and how you will add value to her life. After you’ve succeeding in getting her attention, you then have to plan the next steps for keeping her attention. For the average man, this process is like clockwork, and after years of practice, one may even become an expert at picking up women. Success at picking up women can be fun, but rest assured there is so much more to life, and you can achieve so much more in other areas of your life if you applied the same hard work, dedication and discipline used in picking up women for example.

Take for example a job opportunity. To increase your chances at landing an interview and getting hired, you would first research the company, figure out what positions are available, come up with a creative resume and cover letter specifically geared towards that particular company, apply for the job, follow up, and then make a great impression during the interview. It’s not hard to do, you simply have to want it badly enough to not allow anything to get in your way. By disciplining yourself and focusing on your goals, it’s possible to achieve anything. If you allow yourself to get distracted by things that don’t add value to your life, you’ll be taking value away from you life and the people who have grown to depend on you.

Being a man isn’t about your age, how much facial hair you have, how deep your voice is or how effortlessly you could strong arm someone. Being a man is about maturity, growth, and being a responsible and fully functioning member of society. It means that you have integrity and you treat yourself and others with dignity and respect, you pay your bills on time, you are stable both emotionally and spiritually and constantly working to improve yourself. It’s a lot of work to be successful in all areas of your life, but it’s indeed worth it. Being successful in one area will give you the confidence and motivation to aspire to be successful in the others.

Happiness is about how well you can balance the many challenges you will face in life. Throughout the course of your life, you will experience good times, bad times, ups, down and complete turnarounds, and you need to be ready for it. The first step to accomplishing this is to connect on a spiritual level to a higher power, submitting to that power, and then allowing that power to influence every aspect of your life. Having a positive and optimistic outlook on life will help you to overcome any and every obstacle in your life, and it will also rub off on other people. When people see that you are full of joy and happiness through all you’re going through, you give them hope, and for this they will want to remain closely associated with you.

It’s particularly important for a man to figure out his purpose in life because we are expected to lead. No one (man or woman) who knows their worth wants to follow behind a man who is financially irresponsible, emotionally unstable, or spiritually lost. But once you finally walk into your purpose and shine the light that has always been inside of you, you will begin to see the trust amongst your family members and friends regained, relationships repaired and rebuilt, and hope once again restored. It’s one thing for a person to not trust you, it’s another for you to be not trustworthy. People want to see you do well, but they can’t achieve success for you and are waiting for you to believe in yourself and show them through actions how your belief system has driven you to prosperity. Only then will they opt to follow your proven path of leadership.

Even after you have achieved personal success, it’s important then for you to aspire for something greater. Never grow complacent, for once you stop working towards being better, doing better and having better, the people around you will no longer look to you for that glimmer of hope that shined when you climbed mountains, broke barriers and achieved the impossible. As a man, you should look to be great and inspire greatness in those around you. That is what leadership is all about; showing others how it’s done, being fearless, taking risks, being open to ideas and executing them to the best of your ability.

A man without a plan will never achieve long-term success with a woman of substance because ultimately she wants to be led into prosperity. It’s easy to lead a woman who lacks substance astray because she hasn’t yet figured out what her value as a woman is, or what value you as a man should bring to the table. Going after women who don’t know their worth is like challenging a child in an arm wrestling match. Sure you’ll win the fight, but there’s no glory in it, there’s no pride, and there’s certainly no greater sense of accomplishment because the goals you’ve set for yourself weren’t high enough. There is greater value in knowing who you are, where you’re going, and who you want to take with you than wasting valuable time at pit stops along the road to success.

Achieving short-term success with a woman who lacks substance takes away from the time you could be spending building yourself up to become the quality man of substance you were destined to be. No matter what quality of women you’re attracting now, once you’ve become the best man you can possibly be, you’ll attract the best possible woman. When you finally grow into your manhood, you’ll develop not only physically, but also financially, spiritually and emotionally. Attracting a more quality woman however is only one of the many perks that come with being a quality man of substance. Your relationship with other men will be strengthened because they now admire your discipline, your drive, and your determination; they value your leadership. You’ll have respect amongst your peers.

Setting higher goals for yourself and achieving them will help you to further see your value, and allow others to also see the value in you. Consider yourself a diamond in the rough; Instead of covering yourself up with things that hide who you are and who you are destined to be, take the time dust yourself off so that you can see yourself shine, build up your confidence/esteem so that when you step out into the world, you not only know your worth, but you show your worth. Knowing what your value as a man will be the key that unlocks the doors to job opportunities, a closer relationship with your friends/family members, a life of prosperity with a quality woman of substance, but most of all peace of mind within yourself.

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-AskCheyB

Life of the ‘Relationship Expert’

More and more male Life & Relationship Coaches and Experts are popping up everywhere, and I couldn’t be more excited about it! Finally, men are being the leaders they were called to be. Using their discernment to help others grow in their businesses and relationships, and applying these very principles to their own lives. There comes a time in every man’s life when he wants to do more for others, and this should be greatly encouraged and appreciated. After years of dating, in and out of relationships, failed businesses and successes, a man’s got to know something! Once a man reaches a certain level of maturity and growth, his goal then will be to graduate from the student and become the teacher.

But not everyone will be happy about a man who is finally walking in his purpose. Why is that? I read an article online from Ebony Magazine and it inspired me to touch on this topic. The title was “Death of the Relationship Expert“.

People will look to the past and recall a time in high school when a man was the class clown, or in college when he was the cocky, obnoxious, womanizing jock, or the deadbeat dad for example. But seldom is there credit given for who he, after all of those life experiences has become. How could someone with such a dark past have such a bright future? Well isn’t stepping out of the darkness and walking into the light what maturity, growth, and purposeful living is all about? Using the trips, falls, broken heart, and lost soul experiences as a place of remembrance of where he was and never wants to be. Stepping into the light was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to a man of purpose and now he wants to share that light with the world. In fact, ladies, this is exactly the type of man you would want to receive wisdom from; someone who has been there done that and/or has learned from the actions of others, and is willing to share it with you in efforts to help you avoid the struggle in your future relationships.

Anyone who has a story about their success can also share stories about their endless failures. It’s a journey that no human being can avoid, and no human being should keep to themselves. The unfortunate truth for many young African Americans is that their households have everything it needs accept for a father. This naturally causes a divide in our behavior because the life lessons that are being taught are coming solely from a woman. We need more men to be better fathers brothers, sons, friends, coaches, teachers, and leaders to give our youth the balance they need to be fully functioning members of society.

A missing father figure has the potential to cause a great deal of psychological and emotional damage both to men and women. Even more so for women because ultimately, women aspire to be with a man; one who can supersede what their father had brought to the table or the lack thereof. With no example of what a quality man of substance is, what he represents, or what it means to be loved by a man, subconsciously these questions in a woman’s mind arise:

*Why weren’t you there for me?

*Why couldn’t you just love my mother and the children you helped create?

*Why after all these years have you never called, written, or come to visit me/us?

*Why weren’t you there for my birthday/graduation/wedding?

*How can I tell if a man really loves me and isn’t just using me?

In many cases, after years of disappointment from the 1st man who should’ve ever loved her, resentment builds and the heart turns cold, and unfortunately, this negative energy is turned towards men, in remembrance of her father (the 1st man who ever hurt or abandoned her). The 1st man who should’ve taken the time to build her up, has let her down, breaking her trust in not only her father, but in men! The daughter isn’t the only one left alone, the mother is too, and day after day the two of them have built a special bond that is warm, loving, and nurturing but doesn’t include a man. They’ve kept a roof over their head, clothes on their back, and food on their table all without the help of a man. It was a long, gruesome and tiring struggle, but they’ve found the strength, courage and wisdom to make it through.

This plays a significant role in how a woman views male admirers who want to build a relationship, work together, and love her better than her father or the lack thereof ever could. It’s not that a woman doesn’t want for a man to love, protect, and provide for her, the simple fact of the matter is that for many women, they simply don’t know how to transition from living a life that never included a man, to living a life that always has one around. Who then does a woman turn to for advice on how to build a healthy relationship with a man? The mother who raised you without a man, the best friend who’s trying to figure out how to be with a man by sleeping with as many as she can, or the “male friend” who listens to your problems all the while he is waiting for a vulnerable moment so he can take advantage? There is power in teaming up with people who both want to and know how to coach you into becoming better than you already are.

Being independent is great, but there’s even greater value in working together and being interdependent. Being emotionally available enough to receive people, information, and resources can open up an infinite amount of doors that would otherwise be impossible as a single independent. So I ask, is doing it all by yourself wisdom? Is being Independent a worthy end goal? I’d like to think of being Independent as a strong beginning towards an even stronger finish! It shows that you have the skills and wisdom necessary to be a valuable player on a winning team. A player who feels they are the team can cause tension and build resentment amongst the other teammates who are looking to build with you.

Not everyone is used to being on a team, and that’s ok, this is where coaching comes in to play. A coach will show how to use your strengths to play a particular role that will benefit the entire team, also known as interdependence. When I was a teen, my high school basketball coach Bob Hurley kept me and the rest of the players in line. If we were going to play basketball on his team, we had to follow his rules! We couldn’t have braids, tattoos, jobs, or girlfriends. Our only focus was to make good grades and play excellent basketball. As a result, we were State Champions two years in a row, #1 in the state of New Jersey, and #2 in the country (2001 & 2002). Coach Hurley himself never made it to the NBA, but who knows, maybe that was never his goal. And now he is using his skills, talent and resources to coach whoever is willing to listen and receive his wisdom so that they may have the chance that he never had. We respected him as if he were our father, because for many of us, he was the father we wish we had. We learned how to be disciplined, dedicated, and completely focused on our goals, and we need more men to lead and coach others like Coach Bob Hurley.

I was blessed to have my older sister (Jordi Bostock) in my life growing up and she helped me to stay focused on school, sports, and “being a man”. Men would call and offer to take my sister out on dates, but what I’ve noticed is the standard that she would set in place in order for a man to have her time. This was a wonderful lesson for me as a young teen who was very interested in “getting to know” a woman. The only problem was, I didn’t have the luxury of hearing what the man on the other end of the phone was saying or wasn’t saying to my sister. My father passed away when I was a 1 year old baby, my mom soon remarried my step-dad, so the only example I had on how to approach a woman and be a gentleman was from my brothers, and when it came to chivalry, they appeared to be just as lost as I was.

I observed through my mother and sister how they liked to be treated, and I was open to the value in it, then used it in my approach. Had I not been receptive to the fact that my sister and mother would actually have extremely valuable insight on how to approach, speak to and care for a woman early on, I might still very well be lost. As women, they know first hand what a man would have to do in order to get conversation, interaction, and further advance with a woman, and as a man, this is information that I both want and need to know. The same applies to the opposite sex, a man can tell a woman with absolute accuracy what a man requires of the woman he plans to give his time, energy, effort and money to. If the opportunity to talk to your father about relationships has been missed, having a positive male influence in your life is a great way to get on the right track to building a happier, healthier, longer-lasting relationship with a man.

Cheyenne Bostock (myself), Steve Harvey, Paul C. Brunson, Tony Gaskins, and other relationship coaches/experts/authors could be doing any type of work. Instead, we chose to help build the community, build relationships, inspire growth and change in the lives of others, and these efforts should be appreciated. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we all have a past. What’s most important is where we are in our lives right now, and how we intend to make a brighter future. We do our best to live in truth, and inspire the same in others, and we need all the support and encouragement we can get.

The truth isn’t always popular, but it’s always necessary! When talking about your future, your life and the reality of your relationship, you need to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts. Men are notorious for being insensitive to a woman’s feelings, and when it comes to coaching your life and your relationship, a straight-forward, no nonsense approach is exactly what is needed. This raw and uncut approach isn’t meant to make you bitter, but rather to make you better! The truth hurts, but it also heals. Gain a new appreciation for the men who take a stand for what’s right, what’s true, and what’s real, and encourage those who follow in those footsteps. We need more men to be leaders, and with your help, we can improve brother and sisterhood, parenthood, relationships, marriages, friendships, communities, and business. Let’s work together and inspire growth and change!

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Life & Relationship Expert

-Cheyenne Bostock