More and more male Life & Relationship Coaches and Experts are popping up everywhere, and I couldn’t be more excited about it! Finally, men are being the leaders they were called to be. Using their discernment to help others grow in their businesses and relationships, and applying these very principles to their own lives. There comes a time in every man’s life when he wants to do more for others, and this should be greatly encouraged and appreciated. After years of dating, in and out of relationships, failed businesses and successes, a man’s got to know something! Once a man reaches a certain level of maturity and growth, his goal then will be to graduate from the student and become the teacher.
But not everyone will be happy about a man who is finally walking in his purpose. Why is that? I read an article online from Ebony Magazine and it inspired me to touch on this topic. The title was “Death of the Relationship Expert“.
People will look to the past and recall a time in high school when a man was the class clown, or in college when he was the cocky, obnoxious, womanizing jock, or the deadbeat dad for example. But seldom is there credit given for who he, after all of those life experiences has become. How could someone with such a dark past have such a bright future? Well isn’t stepping out of the darkness and walking into the light what maturity, growth, and purposeful living is all about? Using the trips, falls, broken heart, and lost soul experiences as a place of remembrance of where he was and never wants to be. Stepping into the light was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to a man of purpose and now he wants to share that light with the world. In fact, ladies, this is exactly the type of man you would want to receive wisdom from; someone who has been there done that and/or has learned from the actions of others, and is willing to share it with you in efforts to help you avoid the struggle in your future relationships.
Anyone who has a story about their success can also share stories about their endless failures. It’s a journey that no human being can avoid, and no human being should keep to themselves. The unfortunate truth for many young African Americans is that their households have everything it needs accept for a father. This naturally causes a divide in our behavior because the life lessons that are being taught are coming solely from a woman. We need more men to be better fathers brothers, sons, friends, coaches, teachers, and leaders to give our youth the balance they need to be fully functioning members of society.
A missing father figure has the potential to cause a great deal of psychological and emotional damage both to men and women. Even more so for women because ultimately, women aspire to be with a man; one who can supersede what their father had brought to the table or the lack thereof. With no example of what a quality man of substance is, what he represents, or what it means to be loved by a man, subconsciously these questions in a woman’s mind arise:
*Why weren’t you there for me?
*Why couldn’t you just love my mother and the children you helped create?
*Why after all these years have you never called, written, or come to visit me/us?
*Why weren’t you there for my birthday/graduation/wedding?
*How can I tell if a man really loves me and isn’t just using me?
In many cases, after years of disappointment from the 1st man who should’ve ever loved her, resentment builds and the heart turns cold, and unfortunately, this negative energy is turned towards men, in remembrance of her father (the 1st man who ever hurt or abandoned her). The 1st man who should’ve taken the time to build her up, has let her down, breaking her trust in not only her father, but in men! The daughter isn’t the only one left alone, the mother is too, and day after day the two of them have built a special bond that is warm, loving, and nurturing but doesn’t include a man. They’ve kept a roof over their head, clothes on their back, and food on their table all without the help of a man. It was a long, gruesome and tiring struggle, but they’ve found the strength, courage and wisdom to make it through.
This plays a significant role in how a woman views male admirers who want to build a relationship, work together, and love her better than her father or the lack thereof ever could. It’s not that a woman doesn’t want for a man to love, protect, and provide for her, the simple fact of the matter is that for many women, they simply don’t know how to transition from living a life that never included a man, to living a life that always has one around. Who then does a woman turn to for advice on how to build a healthy relationship with a man? The mother who raised you without a man, the best friend who’s trying to figure out how to be with a man by sleeping with as many as she can, or the “male friend” who listens to your problems all the while he is waiting for a vulnerable moment so he can take advantage? There is power in teaming up with people who both want to and know how to coach you into becoming better than you already are.
Being independent is great, but there’s even greater value in working together and being interdependent. Being emotionally available enough to receive people, information, and resources can open up an infinite amount of doors that would otherwise be impossible as a single independent. So I ask, is doing it all by yourself wisdom? Is being Independent a worthy end goal? I’d like to think of being Independent as a strong beginning towards an even stronger finish! It shows that you have the skills and wisdom necessary to be a valuable player on a winning team. A player who feels they are the team can cause tension and build resentment amongst the other teammates who are looking to build with you.
Not everyone is used to being on a team, and that’s ok, this is where coaching comes in to play. A coach will show how to use your strengths to play a particular role that will benefit the entire team, also known as interdependence. When I was a teen, my high school basketball coach Bob Hurley kept me and the rest of the players in line. If we were going to play basketball on his team, we had to follow his rules! We couldn’t have braids, tattoos, jobs, or girlfriends. Our only focus was to make good grades and play excellent basketball. As a result, we were State Champions two years in a row, #1 in the state of New Jersey, and #2 in the country (2001 & 2002). Coach Hurley himself never made it to the NBA, but who knows, maybe that was never his goal. And now he is using his skills, talent and resources to coach whoever is willing to listen and receive his wisdom so that they may have the chance that he never had. We respected him as if he were our father, because for many of us, he was the father we wish we had. We learned how to be disciplined, dedicated, and completely focused on our goals, and we need more men to lead and coach others like Coach Bob Hurley.
I was blessed to have my older sister (Jordi Bostock) in my life growing up and she helped me to stay focused on school, sports, and “being a man”. Men would call and offer to take my sister out on dates, but what I’ve noticed is the standard that she would set in place in order for a man to have her time. This was a wonderful lesson for me as a young teen who was very interested in “getting to know” a woman. The only problem was, I didn’t have the luxury of hearing what the man on the other end of the phone was saying or wasn’t saying to my sister. My father passed away when I was a 1 year old baby, my mom soon remarried my step-dad, so the only example I had on how to approach a woman and be a gentleman was from my brothers, and when it came to chivalry, they appeared to be just as lost as I was.
I observed through my mother and sister how they liked to be treated, and I was open to the value in it, then used it in my approach. Had I not been receptive to the fact that my sister and mother would actually have extremely valuable insight on how to approach, speak to and care for a woman early on, I might still very well be lost. As women, they know first hand what a man would have to do in order to get conversation, interaction, and further advance with a woman, and as a man, this is information that I both want and need to know. The same applies to the opposite sex, a man can tell a woman with absolute accuracy what a man requires of the woman he plans to give his time, energy, effort and money to. If the opportunity to talk to your father about relationships has been missed, having a positive male influence in your life is a great way to get on the right track to building a happier, healthier, longer-lasting relationship with a man.
Cheyenne Bostock (myself), Steve Harvey, Paul C. Brunson, Tony Gaskins, and other relationship coaches/experts/authors could be doing any type of work. Instead, we chose to help build the community, build relationships, inspire growth and change in the lives of others, and these efforts should be appreciated. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we all have a past. What’s most important is where we are in our lives right now, and how we intend to make a brighter future. We do our best to live in truth, and inspire the same in others, and we need all the support and encouragement we can get.
The truth isn’t always popular, but it’s always necessary! When talking about your future, your life and the reality of your relationship, you need to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts. Men are notorious for being insensitive to a woman’s feelings, and when it comes to coaching your life and your relationship, a straight-forward, no nonsense approach is exactly what is needed. This raw and uncut approach isn’t meant to make you bitter, but rather to make you better! The truth hurts, but it also heals. Gain a new appreciation for the men who take a stand for what’s right, what’s true, and what’s real, and encourage those who follow in those footsteps. We need more men to be leaders, and with your help, we can improve brother and sisterhood, parenthood, relationships, marriages, friendships, communities, and business. Let’s work together and inspire growth and change!
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Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
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