Letting Go Of Fear!

We have a short gap of time to live on this earth and leave our mark on the world. We’re born, we’re raised, we live our lives, and then we die leaving behind memories that hopefully keep our spirits alive. There’s only but so much a person can do within 100 years, but it’s exciting to see all that we can aspire to accomplish during this time. Your purpose here on this earth isn’t to fulfill the pleasures for a man or to be a slave to another human being, no! Your purpose is to spread love and do it more abundantly!

Fear is something we all face at some point in our lives and sometimes prevents us from reaching our fullest potential. You may find yourself being afraid to let a man get close to you after you’ve had your heart broken. The might be afraid of losing your job; a job that you hate anyway, but you need it to pay your bills. You may even find yourself being afraid of stepping out in the world on your own and gaining your independence. Fear can place a roadblock right between you and your destiny, and it’s up to you to believe in yourself, face your fears, and overcome them.

No one is perfect so it’s ok to get out there, take a chance, experience life, and even make mistakes while you’re at it. Feel free to use your family, your friends, and the people of the world as your guide and learn from their experiences. A fool learns solely from his own experiences; the wise learn from that and the experiences of others. Getting insight from others will in fact prevent you from experiencing certain things you’ll be more than happy to avoid. Always keep an open mind and welcome those who offer insight that could be beneficial to your life.

There are so many places to go, so many people to meet, so many things to see and they’re all within your grasp if you simply believe that you can achieve it. If you desire to be married to a loving, honest, respectable man who protects and provides for you, you can certainly make it a reality if you work towards that goal. If you desire to have a family and travel the world, this too is achievable if you set goals and set out to achieve them. One thing is for certain though; you can’t achieve your goals if you don’t set any!

If you want to travel the world, stop making excuses for why you can’t, and start figuring out a way that you can. If you want to have a husband and a family, let go of your fear of being hurt by someone else and be open to loving again! If you want to become an entrepreneur and take control of your finances, don’t be afraid to invest in yourself and be the best at what you do. There’s no one in this world that can stop you from being your own boss, traveling the world, and having a loving husband and family to tag along for the ride. The only thing standing in your way is you!

Before you know it, this short life will be over, you’ll look back on your accomplishments, and you want to be able to say “I am happy with the way I lived my life!” That’s what life is all about… building relationships and leaving behind legacies! If you’re miserable at the job you’re working at now, let go of your fear and come up with a way to gain your freedom! If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, free yourself, explore the world on your own, and be willing to open yourself back up to the new possibilities of love. If you’re unhappy with the neighborhood you’re living in, decide your ideal location, plan an exit strategy, then get up and MOVE!!!

Before all of this technology existed, there was just people, plants, and wild life; now we have tall sky scrapers, planes flying in the sky, cars driving on the roads, computers, cell phones, you name it. All of these things came to existence because someone, somewhere had a vision or an idea, and they took the steps they needed to make it a reality. Steve Jobs is one of the most influential men who lived in our time; he’s no longer with us, but because of the decisions he made with his life, he made a difference in the world that will live forever. Steve Jobs didn’t have anything that’s not available to you or anyone else in the world. What Steve Jobs did was he let go of fear, and sought out to do something that no one else in the world had done.

This too can be you! You can create a blueprint for your life and for your relationships, and you can build upon it day by day until you’ve yielded your perceived results. Success is measured by one’s ability to reach his/her goals, so if you want to be successful, set goals and work towards making your dreams a reality. Don’t allow your life to pass you by, and be left with nothing to show for it; believe in yourself, make the best of your life, and be proud of your accomplishments.

Many times we are our worst enemies! The only thing holding us back from leaving a terrible relationship, a terrible job, or a terrible living situation is you! It’s time to let go of fear and start living for the moment! Open your heart, open your mind, and get ready to explore everything this world has to offer. The sky is the limit, so let go of your fears and get ready for success in your personal and professional life.

If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please visit my new website and connect with me on all of my social networks! www.askcheyb.com

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Black Men: Plan To Be A Better Father

For years a man can live his life irresponsibly, and for a while, it’s exciting and feels worthwhile to live life without a worry or a care. But there comes a time in every man’s life where he decides he wants more for his life and his legacy, he wants to be a contribution to society and add value to the lives of others. These epiphanies normally come when he’s experienced some sort of tragedy in his life that humbles him (i.e. Death in the family, a bad break-up, loss of a job/place of residence, etc). One of the most powerful influences that drive a man towards maturity and growth is Fatherhood.

A mother/son relationship is the closest a man will ever come to experiencing unconditional love; that is until he meets his first child. When a child is born, he/she knows no one except for the people who are there, and that child inevitably grows to know & love those two people as their parents. When a man stays connected to his child, it becomes almost impossible for him to disconnect; once he feels the unconditional love his child has for him, he’ll never want to let it go.

Men are capable of completely disconnecting emotionally while being active sexually with a woman, however pregnancy and the birth of a child are very emotional places for a man. When considering the well-being of a child, it’s important that the parents have an ongoing happy/healthy relationship with one another that’s filled with what I call “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships” [Respect, love, trust, honesty, loyalty, support, and communication]. No matter how the two of you feel about one another romantically, there is a bigger picture here, and you have a moral obligation to provide the best life for your child together.

Being sexually active with someone you’re not in an exclusive relationship/marriage with can be an extreme risk factor for a woman, and should be avoided at all costs. A man who is not connected to a woman romantically will not be pleased with the idea of him having to access his emotions to nurse her through pregnancy, raise a child, and love the child. The shattering of his plan to simply be casual with her will forever leave a bad taste in his mouth and will build resentment. This is an unhealthy space for a man to be in when considering the well-fare of the child.

The power of Love through a child can certainly change a man’s mind not only about the kid, but about himself. Who better to blame for becoming a father than himself? Each day he looks at his child, it’s a reminder that “Youare accountable for your actions, whether you’d like to be or not. If you don’t like the position you’re in, change your direction and continue to move forward”. The child whom he once thought was a curse can turn into a blessing once he sees the value in fatherhood; a life changing blessing that allows him to see who he really is and where he wants to be.

There’s no running away from a child who looks just like you, behaves like you, and wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, or when he will see you again. Instead of running from his responsibilities, he looks his kid in the eyes and lets him know, “I love you, and I will always be here!” What started out as a young man living his life selfishly with little to no direction, stemmed a man who has now discovered a new purpose for living! When it comes to his child, he shares his time, his money, but most of all, he shares his love!

It’s for this reason many men who want nothing to do with the child’s mother opt never to see the child. He’s afraid of the natural love connection that will occur between a father and his child, so he avoids it at all cost. A man who has decided to only have a casual relationship with a woman will not be filled with joy after hearing the announcement of a pregnancy, but instead filled with outrage, and in some cases will flee.

Side note: It’s important to first build a solid friendship built on love and trust before making yourself accessible to someone emotionally/romantically; this process will allow you the time you need to truly assess a man’s character. As a woman, you have to protect yourself by legally binding the man you give your body to (i.e. Marriage). Men don’t fully understand, value, or respect Love, but they do understand time and money, so make sure the man you’re sleeping with is investing both. Child support/alimony/jail time are things that make perfect sense to men, and they want to avoid them at all costs; use these tools to protect yourself against abandonment.

Being an active father in your child’s life doesn’t only do wonders for the child, it does wonders for you as a man! You have an opportunity to be an influence in someone’s life; someone who will value and appreciate your contributions. Some men think having a child will slow them down or “stop their flow”; on the contrary… this child will upgrade you by encouraging you to associate with people and places with higher standards.

Instead of going to a night club, being a father might prompt a man to organize a family gathering. Instead of having a regular guys night out, a father might call up his guy friends who also have kids and make a fun filled day of socializing with old buddies and watching his kid build new friendships. Instead of going grocery shopping and buying snacks and goodies, a father might take his son to the kitchen and teach him how to make frozen ice pops with 100% juice, make homemade cookies from scratch, or how about making “Smore’s” over the stove…

There’s only one key ingredient to being a better father and that’s simply “being a better father”. With all of the fun activities a father can provide for his child, what matters most to your child is that you’re “there”! Take him to a high school basketball game; he won’t know whether it’s the “Saint Anthony Friars” or the “L.A. Lakers” playing. All that matters to him is “My Dad took me to a basketball game”! Take him to a park and challenge him to throw a football, baseball, or a Frisbee to you, tackle him to the ground as he tries to score a touchdown, and then lie there as you describe what the clouds are shaped like. Don’t just throw your kid into summer camp to keep your child busy, figure out ways to form a special bond with your child.

There isn’t enough money in the world that you can wire into an account that could replace the one-on-one experience, interactions, and life lessons a father/son have when you’re present in a child’s life. Your child needs to know that although you and his mother are separated physically, you’re all still connected spiritually. He needs to know that you are grateful to have a son, and you are grateful for the one woman who loves/cares for him unconditionally. He needs to know that you’ll always be positive role model in his life, and you’ll always be there for him.

Yes, love the mother of your child (even if/when you’re not together); this is the first woman your son will fall in love with. Show him how to treat this woman, so he’ll know how to treat all women. A child may or may not have been a part of your diabolical plan, but nevertheless, that child ishereand he’s here to stay, so get used to it. Any animosity between you and the mother of your child should cease and desist for your own personal growth & development, but most importantly for your child’s.

Always be a positive influence in your child’s life; make him proud… but also make yourself proud.

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Q: I’m dating a co-worker, now we live together & he’s cheating! What should I do?

Q: I’m in a relationship with a guy who works at a club with me. When we met, we immediately hit it off and hooked up right away. It’s been 8 months, we’ve made it official, and we’re now living together. The problem is, I don’t trust him. He would flirt with women at the club, etc… and one day, I found a pair of thongs in his pocket and he swore on his mother’s grave that he didn’t know how they got there. I also hacked into his FB account and read messages to other women talking about sex, and going to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test. He claims he wants to marry me, but I’ve spoken to 4 other women who said he tells them the same thing. His FB status used to say “In a relationship (with me), but now it doesn’t. He used to come and go as he pleases and never tells me anything, but that he recently changed. Should I stay with this man in hopes that he will shape up and eventually follow through with the marriage?

A: The introduction is the most important part of any relationship. Where you meet a person, how you meet a person, and why you met a person will play a significant part in your future with someone, or the lack thereof.  A man knows the role he wants for a woman to play in his life “before” he even meets her (whether he tells you this or not). For example: If a woman is dressed provocatively at a night club… it doesn’t matter how intelligent she is, how loving/caring/etc… the man has already made up in his mind that he wants to have sex and nothing more from her before he even walks up and says, “Hello”. From that point he will only do “just enough” to keep the sex coming, however the bedroom is the extent of his interest based on your initial presentation.

It’s true, you meet people where you meet people, however it’s important to maintain your position of power until you and your significant other have reached a mutual state of vulnerability and understanding. We all start off with power, but there are two problems with power: 1) We don’t know that we have it. 2) We’re constantly giving it up too easily! Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies; you’re going to meet people each and every day, everywhere you go, however not everyone should be granted access to you and your personal life. When you’re in a position where you will have to see a person not by design, but by chance, this can affect the romance in your relationship., so be selective and strategic about who you let get close to you.

There’s nothing wrong with making love connections at work, however it’s important that your colleagues respect you, and vice versa. You can maintain your dignity and respect by not allowing him any access to your personal life or seeing you in a vulnerable state.  Once you give him access to you, you’re giving up your power because you’re then showing him that you are easily accessible, and this action may insist that dating a co-worker is something that you would do anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. It also should show you that he is also available to do the same. With this in mind, it’s evident that even going to work is a hunting ground for dating &.

There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. There needs to be a level of comfort and security in places that you frequent (i.e. Work, school, the gym, your home), so being selective with whom you become romantically involved with will save you from many awkward moments should the relationship not work out, and should you still have to cross paths.  Another thing to consider would be your reputation amongst your colleagues. Respect amongst your peers will also keep you in a position of power.

If you choose to be romantically involved with a co-worker who works in the same department as you do, you will naturally become distracted from your work and begin to focus more on this individual that you’re involved with. You’ll start watching/listening more closely to what they say, watching who they speak to and trying to figure out what they’re speaking to them about, worrying about whether or not he/she is just friends, etc. And this is perfectly natural. Your feelings are involved!!! And this person is in close proximity to you during a time where your emotions should not be in tune.

Many things that this person says and does while under your “scope” will in fact make you uncomfortable. Some may come off as offensive, and some might come off as harmless. Either way, the workplace is a great opportunity to get away from your partner, so that you can look forward to seeing each other when you get home. Work adds lots of stress on it’s own. Being stressed by your job AND by your partner at work will do nothing but bring your stress from your job/partner right into your place of peace (your home). Which in turn will push you further and further away from your partner.

You’ve been with each other for 8 months, you haven’t been given an engagement ring, you have no children together, and yall are not married… The two of you should not be living together. You’ve allowed this man to get close… too soon, not to mention, you slept with him way too soon and now he is C-O-M-F-O-R-T-A-B-L-E!!! It’s too late for you and him, but you can certainly learn from this experience and never make it again.

This guy is disrespecting you left and right!!!! And he will continue to disrespect you until You have to finally say “I’ve had enough!!!” You know that this man is no good, but because you are infatuated with this man, you need to actually “see” him having sex with another woman for you to believe he’s cheating. You found the thongs in his pocket (that didn’t belong to you). You found messages on his FB talking about sex, Planned Parenthood/pregnancy tests, etc, he used to come and go as he pleased, he flirts with women at the club you both work at, he tells other women he wants to marry them (which insists that they have a deep/intimate relationship) while involved with you. There is nothing about this man that should make you want to be committed to him or look forward to any type of serious future with him.

He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and if you are looking for a serious relationship, it need not be with this guy. Know your worth! Standing by a man who disrespects you to this capacity is completely unacceptable. “You” have to believe and know in your heart that you deserve better. Once you know this and believe this… men who treat you like this become SO unattractive! And you’ll want to distance yourself from them as much as humanly possible, as opposed to figuring out a way to get closer to them and change their behavior. Take some time away from men, find yourself, work on being the best woman you can be physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially and you’ll attract the best man 😉

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Being Emotionally Available

Being Emotionally Available Being in a relationship requires that two people “share” their worlds with one another. They share their mind, body, resources, and more in order to help one another grow as a couple. In order to attract the best person that will fit into your life, you first have to work on being the best person you can be on the inside and outside. When you love yourself, you begin to feel good, and the energy you give off will attract other happy and loving individuals. If you can find love and happiness inside of you, you’ll never go a day without it. Many times in our lives, we search to no end for love in many different aspects of life (i.e. Work, relationships, sex, material things). Instead of searching “outward” for love, search “inward” for love. If you’re looking for love, hold up a mirror!

When you find love and happiness within yourself, you know exactly what it feels like. So much so, that you know when you’re giving it to others, as well as getting it from others, or the lack thereof. When you solely rely on an outward source for love, that love does not belong to you, it belongs to the provider and can be denied and/or stripped at any given time. If that source of love dies, abandons you, or recognizes that you are dependent upon it’s source and decides to abuse their power by depriving you of love, you leave yourself vulnerable to heartbreak and anguish. By loving yourself, your source of love/power lies within you and will never die, leave you, or forsake you! Make loving yourself an everyday regimen for the rest of your life. Wake up in the morning loving the way you feel, look in the mirror loving the way you look, and finally, open up the front door prepared to love the rest of the world!

Loving yourself is an inside job that starts in the home. If loves dwells in the home, you’ll be more careful with who you let in, you’ll cherish it/protect it, and your heart will always have a place to revive itself whenever in need. Your home is your place of peace, your escape from the world, and your comfort zone. The things you place inside should be anything that brings you love, joy, and happiness (i.e. Music, pictures, food, interior design, fragrances, etc). If the world and the people in it treat you cruelly, you’ll always have a place to go as a reminder of what love & happiness feels like. As tempting as it may be to stay home and embellish in all the goodness this love environment has to offer, remember to spread love to others once you find it in yourself. Finding yourself and loving yourself is a journey.

For many, finding love will require redefining what love is as a whole; this is due to severe emotional damage caused by previous distributors of love in the past (i.e. Parents, ex’s, friends, etc). Love is something that you do and feel; once two people feel loved and show love, it becomes evident that they are in love with one another. Love feels good; you’ll know you’re not in love with someone else when it starts to hurt. When whatever you’ve associated with love becomes detrimental to your health, it needs to be removed from your life. When you remove someone or something from your life that hurts, you leave more room for someone or something to come into your life that helps. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Having love for yourself, as well as others instantaneously adds value to your life and the lives of others, therefore establishing your worth.

Finding and loving yourself takes precious time and it cannot be rushed or interrupted by others looking to convince you of what love means to them. Finding yourself means you’re not looking for others. On this journey, you want to figure out what feels, looks, tastes, smells, and sounds good to “you”. Avoid any outside influences; use this time to enjoy being alone and figuring out what’s best for you and your life. Throughout life, you will come across many people who will hurt you intentionally and/or accidentally. People you’ve lived with, shared secrets with, shared the most precious years of your life with will have all had a hand in your heartbreak and disappointment over the years. By removing this pain from your heart, you’re allowing room for pleasure to come in. Pain has a way of remaining in the heart for as long as you give power to its source.

If something is causing you to be unhappy, locate the source, and eliminate the source of power. You can take away any and all power from its source by “forgiving” others for any pain they’ve ever caused you. By clearing your conscience, you no longer have a reason to think about unhappiness or the people who caused you to be unhappy. Love & happiness is a magnet! People are attracted to people who appear to be happy either because it reminds them of themselves or of where they want to be. Friendship is the key to building up romance; romance has the potential to lead to a committed relationship; a committed relationship has the potential to lead to a life long commitment (i.e. Marriage).

In order to establish a true friendship with someone, there has to be love and happiness inside of you that attracts them. If your inner beauty is dimmed, your outer beauty will be the only thing left to shine. Your outer beauty is what will get people to come; your inner beauty is what will get people to stay. Continue to work on being the best person you can be, and you’ll attract the best people. Being emotionally available means that you’re ready to love and be loved by someone else. Always remember that relationships aren’t for everybody; relationships are only for the ready. Repair and restore your heart before making it available to another. If someone you love doesn’t know how to take care of it, learn your lesson and stop giving it to them.

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Give Each Other Space!

There are two rules to love 1) You do it! 2) You don’t! It’s easy to love someone from a distance because there’s no significant time, energy, or effort required to make the relationship work. Anytime you haven’t seen someone in awhile, there’s the “thrill” of being in each other’s presence once again after so long, and there’s a desire to get caught up to date on things. Space and time apart creates romance; the desire to show love and receive love from a person who’s been missing from your life.

One of the keys to making romance in a relationship last is to not become too familiar and get stuck in a routine. While it’s not important that your significant other knows your each and every move, it is important that when granted this freedom and this trust, that you honor it by staying true to yourself and true to your partner. Here are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (According to AskCheyB) Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Incorporate these habits and your partner will have no reason to question or doubt the moves you make.

A great way to keep a relationship fresh all the way to the end is by being consistent with everything you did in the beginning. In the beginning, a man courts a woman, treats her like a lady, spends time a part and schedules time to be together. The time spent apart makes the time spent together that much more special. With work, school, and other responsibilities, it’s a joy to be whisked away from life’s harsh realities by a person who has a genuine interest in being with you.

In addition to a busy schedule and a hectic lifestyle, there’s also the idea that the person you’re dating is also dating other people, so in order to stay relevant, you have to compete for one another’s time, love, and affection. A common mistake that many people make once they’ve “got the girl/guy” is they stop competing. The competition (i.e. admirers) will never stop coming; if you don’t see to it that your partner is happy, someone else will.

If you are not consistent throughout the relationship with the person you were in the beginning of the relationship, space can be your worst adversary. When someone is happy to have you around, they look forward to your return whenever you leave. When someone isn’t happy to have you around, they look for a way to fill that void whenever you’re gone. Love should always dwell inside of you and inside of your home; when love is lost, your partner is bound to go looking to find it. Your significant other should always feel as though you’re a source where he/she can refuel financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Many times we hold onto relationships not because we’re happy to hold on, but because we’re afraid to let go. Once you stop loving you’ll start hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving. Never stop loving yourself, and never stop loving your partner. Work strategically to make sure that your partner enjoys being with you when you’re together, and looks forward to coming back to you when they’re not. Make being together the place to be.

For the period of time you and your partner are separated, the anticipation to come back together is what keeps the excitement going. When you give your significant other something to look forward to, they’ll be focused on what’s up ahead, rather than what’s on the side. Life is a long, slow, ambiguous journey, so if you’re partnered with someone who’s dependent on you, make that journey as enjoyable as possible. It’s a challenge to be able to entertain someone for life, but that’s a part of the contract that comes along with a serious commitment so get creative

Friendship outside of the relationship is important because it gives you both something to do when you would like to spend some time away from each other. Establish trust between your partner and any of your relevant friends by introducing them early on in the relationship. The friends you associate with are a huge reflection of who you are and/or who you aspire to be, so in order to maintain a happy/healthy relationship; only associate closely with those who are positive influences in your life.

Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends. If you’re in a relationship, cherish the glory days of hanging out with all of your other single friends, and live for today by planning for a brighter future with the love of your life. A great way to still stay connected with your single friends is to host a gathering at your home; invite both couples and singles. By inviting your single friends to actually witness your new life “as a couple”; you’re granted the opportunity to show them the value in being committed.

Since we’re all adults, there’s no need for a curfew when you plan to go out, nor is there a need to constantly call to check up on your significant other once it’s been communicated that they’re going out. Keep in mind though, that your other half loves you, is concerned about your well being, and is going to miss you while you’re gone. When you have plans on going places where your significant other isn’t invited, be courteous enough to let them know where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when they should expect you home. This information will make your part feel secure, and there’s no better feeling than knowing that your home and everyone in it is safe and secure.

One of the most valued benefits of being in a relationship is companionship. It feels good to be able to come home to someone, cuddle in bed with someone, and do fun/exciting activities with someone you love. Relationships are meant to be experienced “together”, not apart, so spending weeks, months, and years away from one another goes against a huge part of what relationship is. You want to give your partner just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Being separated from your partner creates space and opportunity, and with that comes the desire to go out and do something with whoever can provide temporary satisfaction in your absence.

One of the best ways to stay a couple is to do things as a couple. If you’d like to take a nice vacation, plan in advance and budget accordingly so that you and your partner can enjoy a trip together. If there’s a networking event coming up, let your partner know in advance so that they can mark their calendar and accompany you. If there’s a new movie coming out that you’d love to see, invite your partner and make it a date night. Make  it a habit of doing things “with” your partner; when it’s time for you to do things alone, they won’t feel neglected.

The right amount of space and time a part can create the illusion of being without that person you love, giving you both the opportunity to miss one another. The anticipation of the return is what helps the romance grow stronger. There’s a great chance that your partner will get bored and feel smothered if you’re constantly around one another day in and day out. So much so that they will want to find a source of entertainment outside of the home, and away from you (for a change). To avoid this, have balance between work, school, other responsibilities, couple time, and alone time.

A little bit of reverse psychology never hurt either (i.e. Encourage your significant other to go out and hang out with their friends and have fun). Let them know that you’ll be at home waiting when they return and that you want them to go out and have a good time. At the end of the night you’ll be right back in each others warm embrace. Create space when there is none and you will see and feel the void in the air; you’ll look forward to being in your lovers presence again all due to this brief time apart.

Life and relationships are very much like the game of chess. You have to study your target, strategically plan your every move, and always keep your mate in check.

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Q: How do men feel about being in a relationship with a woman who’s best friend is a guy?

Q: How do men feel about being in a relationship with a woman who’s best friend is a guy?

A: If a man’s significant other has a male best friend and he is “truly” a friend, he would expect for that person to be in his space. (i.e. In his home, possibly at family gatherings, and at events by personal invite). Any friend that’s a friend to his woman now needs to become a friend to them “as a couple” if he plans on being in his woman’s life. If the man you are with is “the” the man in her life… then “he” should be your best friend. He’s the man you talk to when you’re feeling troubled, when you get that new promotion, or when you simply want to express your innermost thoughts/feelings. You should be that vulnerable to and have that connection with “your man”… and the men in your family.

When you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone, you no longer need the support that you were once getting from your “male friend(s)”… because you’ll be getting it from “your man” now. If this male best friend of yours is in a relationship of his own, he has no business focusing his time and energy on another man’s woman… as I’m sure his woman would agree. If he’s single, then that’s even more of a reason why he shouldn’t be affiliated with you. By him being single, he’ll have more time/energy/desire to be around/speak to/influence you, and that’s your man’s position. You have one man who’s romantically significant in your life, and there can’t be two of them.

Men will constantly be in pursuit of women (whether they make it clear that they are off the market or not). Women who make themselves available to be seduced, and place themselves in positions to be taken advantage of have are more likely to be persuaded to indulge in forbidden temptations. It’s perfectly natural for a significant other to be territorial and want to feel as though they belong to their partner and their partner belongs to them (in spirit). What’s special about being in a relationship is the idea that what you’ve worked for cannot be easily obtained by another person who just waltzes into your life on a whim, and that what you have together is cherished/valued.

With this in mind, a man will recognize a part of “him” in this other guy. The part where he would take a gentle approach to get closer to your heart. While he trusts “you”, he does not trust the man who claims to be a friend. Men have no desire to be “just friends” with a woman. Friendship is the key to building the foundation for a longer lasting romantic. While you ( the woman) feels it’s safe to be friends with this other guy, your man identifies with the strategy this other guy (who’s quite clever might I add) is using to slowly but surely make his woman fall in love and/or lust with him. Being as though his woman is insistent on keeping the male friend, it makes it difficult to respect her or trust her based on the decisions she’s making.

The woman isn’t off the hook just yet… she’s well aware of the affect she has on men and on this man in particular. Her choice to remain friends shows that she enjoys the way he makes her feel, and values what “they” have more than what the man who wants to be in her future offers. There can only be one King!

When a straight man is ok with being “just friends” with a female, he either has already had sex with her, or wishes he could have sex with her and is simply waiting for her to be vulnerable. And being a “friend” is one of the best places to be when a woman is going through something in her relationship. She looks at you like a “brother”, she trusts you, and she doesn’t think you’ll ever cross that line (because you know she’s in a relationship and you know her man). Truth be told… he doesn’t look at you like a sister. He never has and he never will! He will sleep with you the first opportunity you give him (no matter what his relationship status is, and no matter what your relationship status is). With the exception of family, any straight man who remains affiliated with you (whether he makes it clear or not) is interested in sleeping with you. When you’re in a relationship with someone, your relationship with other interested parties cease and desist.

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Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple!

A man who is genuinely interested in being in a relationship with a woman and building a future with her will do everything in his power to maintain peace in the household. If for one second his lady is feeling uncomfortable and is for whatever reason not secure in him, he will stop everything that he’s doing to put her mind at ease. One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple. Granted, it’s important to have space, and have friends outside of the relationship, both parties should make it a point to include one another in their endeavors. Communication is a key aspect of a functioning relationship; it can bring you and your partner closer, and it will eliminate a lot of ambiguity, so definitely keep the communication going.

While it’s not important or relevant for your significant other to tell you “everything”, there are certain pieces of information that should be shared simply because he’s interested in sharing his world with you (the person he loves). With the exception of business meetings, personal leisure, and “Guys Night Out”, he should invite you to accompany him to events and outings. There also has to be a level of trust between the two of you. If there’s no trust, you really should consider re-evaluating your relationship with him. You don’t want to constantly be worried that every time your significant other goes out, he’s up to something. If this is the way your partner is making you feel, talk to your partner, let him know how his actions make you feel. If he’s willing to make the changes, he may be worth remaining loyal to. If he’s not willing to make the changes, cut your losses and end the relationship.

Sidenote: Never trust your partner 100%. 50% of the trust should be in your partner. The other 50% goes into your gut!

One of the best parts about being in a relationship is being “together”, so when you’re a part, you should at least be able to enjoy communicating with one another for comfort. When it’s guys night out though, let him have guys night out. Talk to him when he gets home! And if it’s a guys night out, he should have details, if he’s out for business, he should have details, if it’s a family affair, he should have details about the time, place, occasion, and you should be invited. If he’s making it his business to be “somewhere”, and you’re not invited, and he doesn’t have any details, give him a fair amount of time to get the details. Now don’t go into “insecure” mode, this is the point where you exhibit strength and you measure how considerate your man is of your feelings.

As it comes closer to the time he’s supposed to go wherever he’s going, sit back and observe; see if he’ll be considerate enough to give you details about where he’s going, with whom, and when he’ll be back. If he doesn’t show you this consideration, when he gets home, you don’t show him any consideration. Never consider those who never consider you! Whenever your man is reluctant to offer up information, it’s because he has something to hide. It doesn’t really matter what he’s hiding, what does matter is that he’s hiding it, and he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and expose himself to you (his significant other). That in itself speaks volumes, and his actions show that you’re really not that significant. If you find yourself dealing with a man who keeps secrets that are becoming hurtful to your relationship, don’t hesitate to do what’s best for you, because he is certainly doing what’s best for him.

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-AskCheyB

Getting a grown man who isn’t contributing out of your house…

It is the responsibility of the parent(s) to show their son what it means to be born a male as opposed to being born a female. The father sets an example by showing him how to provide for his family (at the very least), and the mother sets an example by showing him how a woman reciprocates when the man of the house is taking care of home. It should be communicated between the ages of 0-18 (in some way shape or form) that he will be required to leave the home and figure out what it is he wants to do with his life. At the age of 18, he should have a plan which involves something along the lines of starting his own business, getting a job, doing an internship, enrolling in college, joining the reserves, or doing something that will help build his future and allow him to be a contribution to society.

No matter what his relationship to you is (i.e. Son/Brother/Father/Boyfriend/Husband/Cousin/Friend, etc) if he is a male, he should not be allowed to live with you rent free. Once your son is out of the house… he’s out! If he wants to be let back in, he has to prove that he is doing something productive with his life (i.e. School, a job, internship, etc). Coming back for the summer while in school is ok (as he is working on obtaining a degree to better prepare himself for a future). <<< Proof that he is in no way looking for an “easy way out”, but moreso a place to relax while he focuses on his ambitions. <<< This extension should be cut off after a certain amount of years “post high school graduation” go by).

If he’s not out of the house for school and wants to come back, give him a 30 day grace period, and then let him know that he will be required to pay rent after that 30 day period if he would like to stay. It doesn’t have to be a large amount, but “an” amount from out of his pocket. <<<< Doing this builds character!!! It lets him know that “There Aint No Such Thing As A Free Lunch!!” Babying him will only encourage him to come back to you any and every time he makes poor life decisions or is faced with tough times. Being his safety net each and every time isn’t helping him, it’s hurting him! If (hypothetically speaking) you’re married, having your son move back in may cause turmoil between your son and his father or step-father, so you may be better off doing what mom’s do and just slide him a few dollars to help him stay afloat.

I know you love him, but you can better prepare your son and also build his character by giving him a little tough love. And besides… as a young man, he should be overly anxious to get out of his mother’s house and be out on his own… Making his own money, paying his own rent, buying his own food, cooking his own food, doing his own laundry. BTW the above courtesy should only apply to family! Never allow a man you are not related to by blood stay with you (for free) under any circumstances. If you really want to help, refer him to a local shelter where they will take care of grown men at no charge. This will humble him and motivate him to find employment, save his money, and get the HELL out of there ASAP!!! And if being in a shelter isn’t humbling enough or isn’t motivating enough, then let his sorry behind stay right there!

A great way to be taken for granted or taken advantage of is by giving someone something for free when they haven’t earned those privileges. They’ll get so comfortable to the point where they start to feel a sense of entitlement. If you currently have a man who’s living in your house, and you’re interested in knowing how to get him out of your house, then it’s safe to say that this has been going on for quite some time now. With that said… do not feel bad about this next piece of advise! Sit him down and have a heart to heart. Let him know that he was born a male. And since he was born a male, he has certain responsibilities, and there are certain things that are required of him (as a man). He needs to know that he is expected to be able to take care of “himself”. And if he wants to be involved with a woman (on any intimate level) that he needs to be able to contribute to her life “financially” (at the very least).

Let him know that he has 30 days to figure out where he’s going to go and what he’s going to do, and that he has to find another place to live. At first, he will feel as though you don’t love him, don’t respect him, and don’t appreciate the things that he does contribute to your life, but you will see through his actions that he heard what you said and he’s taking heed. In the morning, you won’t see him there because he’s out looking for a job! He’s now going to be so concerned with not having a comfortable place to sleep within the next 30 days, that he will find that job,and work on taking care of his responsibilities. If he doesn’t… never stress over things that are not in your control! That’s his life & his problem!

Don’t worry about how you’re gonna get him out (particularly if he isn’t on the lease). A man has his pride, he will find another place to live someway/somehow before it comes down to you getting the police involved. But if it comes down to it, make the call and have him removed. Enough is enough! It’s time for him to grow up!!! At first, he won’t be able to appreciate what you’ve just done for him, but once he’s got a job, is making his own money, buying his own food, doing his own laundry, making his own way, he will feel so good as a man (inside and out). And he will not only respect you for what you did, he may even come back and thank you for what you did. Because had you never put your foot down, he would probably still be in your house, comfortable… with no immediate plans on doing anything to take care of himself (let alone take care of you). But thanks to you… not anymore 😉

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

The Type Of Woman A Man Looks For When He’s Ready To Settle Down…

For ages, men have valued women solely based on their physical beauty, ignoring the possibility of exploring anything more. Some of the powers that be include a woman’s ability to seduce a man into doing any and everything she wants. This is partially true; for a man will allow a woman to persuade him into doing only what he is willing to do. The things that are off limits will remain off limits unless he decides she is worth such privileges. It’s easy for a woman to get a man into bed, but what’s challenging is getting a man to commit to a relationship or propose marriage. This is where we cross over into the realm of a man’s values.

It sometimes takes a man years to understand that not everything that glitters is gold. That a beautiful face and a phenomenal does not equate to a warm, loving heart, or a woman of character. For years he will follow his eyes and ignore his heart, struggling endlessly to turn that sexy, seductive, sex slave into a beautiful, sensual, wholesome lady he can be proud to take home to his mother. All the while, he bypasses the beautiful, sensual, wholesome women at the library, at the grocery store, or at church because he doesn’t see the value in being with that type of woman, but this is also because he hasn’t learned to value himself and figure out his own worth.

After a young man gets out of a long-term relationship with his parents, one of the first things he looks to do is find himself and figure out his own way. One of the things that are forbidden in most children’s home is having the opposite sex over for company. So now that he’s left the nest, one of the first things on his mind is to get sex and lots of it! He’s filling a void that’s been missing for the past 18 years of his life, and he’s going to indulge until his heart is content.

Despite the years of teachings delivered by his parents, the last thing on his mind is being a mature, responsible adult. Breaking away from the parents is a man’s time to be a man and explore the world through his own eyes! While he’s in this young, wild, immature, and promiscuous stage of his life, he will look to associate with women who are just like him (i.e. Young, wild, immature, and promiscuous). He’s not interested in finding a woman of substance just yet, because he himself hasn’t become anyone of substance.

At first glance, it may appear to a lady that “H**s be winnin!” because all of the young men flock to the women who are fast and easy, but this is only true if you view giving up free sex, with no commitment, to every Tom, Dick, and Harry” winning! These women are only valued throughout the duration in which they are able to produce the amount of sex and benefits men are after. Outside of the bedroom, h**s are worth less, they’re only worth more to the men who value sex without a commitment. Do not be discouraged; these are the men you want to avoid anyway! Quality over quantity!

These very same women who give up years of their lives sleeping with men without any requirements will come to find that they are merely stepping stones for these men. A man who is on a journey to finding himself will encounter many different jobs, many different fashion trends, and many different women long before finding his true identity. As the years roll by and a man matures, you’ll notice he starts to do away with old fashion trends, he moves on to better paying jobs/careers, seeks out higher paying positions, and associates more closely with quality women. These things were all stepping stones that reflected the person that he was at that particular point in his life, but will no longer be present in his future.

While strippers and porn stars have amazing visual and sexual qualities, they are what men consider to be a fantasy, and he wants to keep his fantasy and his reality totally separate. He’ll come to watch her perform merely for entertainment, he’ll spend a fair amount of money on her, and he’ll even engage in a sexual rendezvous, but after the climax, it’s back to reality. His reality is work, family, friends, and life; he finds pleasure in experiencing a fantasy from time to time, but he doesn’t want this side of him exposed in his regular everyday life. What he expects from a stripper and/or porn star is entertainment, nothing more, nothing less!

To settle down is to have experienced all that there is to experience up until the point of exhaustion, and reaching a level of contentment. With this in mind, it will take a man years of having loads of sex, with an abundance of women, with no strings attached before he is ready to genuinely and sincerely settle down with just one woman. The same applies to his financial stability, it may take a man years of spending frivolously, making costly mistakes, and not valuing a dollar before he finally decides for himself to be more responsible. No matter whether it’s money, fashion, or women, a man has to surpass certain milestones in his life before he’s ready to become a man of substance and have a shift in values.

Before a man even thinks of settling down, he has to be emotionally available; meaning he there is no one in his life, and nothing in his life preventing him from opening his heart to you. Finances (or the lack thereof), are one of the key factors in determining whether a not a man entertains a woman, and it also narrows down which woman a man chooses. If he’s not financially stable, he again will bypass the women of substance and seek out the women of suspense because quality women require more of an investment. It’s not that a man is not interested in quality, but at this point in his life, he’s unable to afford it, so in the mean time, he’ll entertain those woman who will settle for little to nothing.

Again, it may seem as though “H**s be winnin!” but this relationship is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Some men get into a relationship (with a woman with no requirements) as a way to save money on rent, get free sex, meals, and other resources. They know from the start that they don’t want a future with this woman, but the opportunist in them, says, “Hey, it’s better to get free sex, meals, and a roof over my head than to struggle alone.” While that may be his initial plan of action, what happens is he gets caught up, gets comfortable, and ends up staying far longer than he planned. He’s now fallen in love with a “stripper”, hasn’t thoroughly planned an exit strategy, and is now angry with her because he’s fallen in love with a woman he never imagined he would. His plan was strictly business!

If it hasn’t already, that relationship will turn verbally and possibly physically abusive. He’s not only hating you for being who you are, but he’s secretly mad at himself for being who he is and finding himself  in this position. He makes himself feel better about being a man of poor character by channeling all of his anger and negative energy towards you! Had he been focused on his own independence, he would’ve never even considered this type of woman, he instead, would have gotten himself emotionally and financially stable, and he will have then sought out a woman who matches everything that he is. When you seek out a relationship when you’re at your worst, you’ll find yourself matched with an individual who also is at their worst (on one level or another).

It’s easy for a woman to get a man through sex, but she’ll never be able to keep him. Sex only keeps the men who only value sex around; if you’re looking for a man who values more, then you’ll have to present yourself as a woman who offers more. Once a man makes up in his mind who you are and where he wants you to be in his life, that’s exactly where you’ll stay. This could mean you’re his fantasy or his reality.

You want your future husband to be a man who has established who he is, and where he wants to be in life. No matter how long it takes him, or what he had to go through to get there, you want a man the man who finds you to be spiritually, financially, and emotionally secure. A man who is independent, has taken a spiritual journey, and has experienced life will at some have a strong desire for something more! When he reaches this point in his life, he will bypass all of his past conquests because he’s been there and done that, and he’ll look for that woman of substance; the woman he’s been ignoring all his life.

He’s ready to be a man of integrity, a man of honor, a man of substance, and start building upon his legacy. As an independent man, he’s now interested in finding an independent woman whose interested in coming together and gaining interdependence. He realizes now that he can do anything by himself, be he can do more with the help of a quality woman by his side. A woman who only accepts a man when he’s at his best, and won’t settle for anything less. A woman who will take her take, get to know a man, value her body before giving it to him, and set standards/requirements before giving herself to him.

He finds this woman by simply observing how she carries herself, and how she handles other people. This is the same approach he used when finding a whore when he was younger; he would target women who have love self esteem and are desperate for any man to be a part of their lives. Now that he’s grown and matured, he’s looking for substance, not suspense, so this time around; he’ll be looking for a woman not only with his eyes, but with his heart! Now that he’s all grown up, he’s learned to value himself, women, and relationships, and he’s ready for a commitment.

A man will treat you the way you treat yourself, so if you’re a stripper on a pole, he will degrade you in the same way you’re degrading yourself. If you’re a server at a soup kitchen in a shelter, he’ll see you as warm, compassionate, loving, caring, and giving, and he’ll treat you that way. Contrary to popular believe, the key to finding a good man isn’t to go looking for him, but instead take a journey and find you. A woman who exhibits poor character automatically disqualifies herself from being a candidate for a relationship or marriage. If you possess the qualities that men look for in a wife, he will seek you out as soon as he is ready for that level of commitment.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

Men Who Keep In Contact With Their Ex

When breaking up with someone, you want to make sure that you’ve gotten your ex completely out of your system. There’s typically this downward spiraling effect that lets a couple know that their relationship is coming to an end. Before the relationship actually ceases and desists, there’s often a back and forth “break-up and make-up” ordeal that some people in broken relationships use to help bring them closure. Going back to a relationship that isn’t working in hopes of finding relief isn’t the most proactive solution, however it is one of the most commonly used. With this in mind, it’s important to thoroughly get to know a person and also inquire about their relationship history, because you can’t move onto the next… until you’re through with your ex.

Being emotionally involved with someone and then suddenly disassociating yourself is easier said than done. In some cases, there’s a severe amount of pain inflected and the first thing the victim wants to do is run in the opposite direction without properly severing the ties. The fastest way to eliminate a problem, it to address it! If someone in your life is directly affecting you emotionally, financially, or spiritually, a direct approach needs to be made. You take away the other persons power and you free yourself of any guilt or obligation when you take care of your responsibilities.

A proper exit to a failed relationship is essential to your future relationship success. The way you exit this relationship will have a strong influence on your emotional availability in your next relationship. Instead of ending your relationship frustrated or angry, things should be ended on a happy note. When you’re in an emotional state filled with anger and frustration, it’s difficult to think clearly and make logical and rational decisions. This means that you’ll both agree to move on with your lives, you’ll agree to be cordial when you see one another, and you’ll agree not to hold any grudges towards one another.

By ending a relationship on bad terms, you leave room for guilt to linger; the thought of never saying what was on your heart/mind and not allowing your ex to do the same. While this guilt lingers, there may be moments of vulnerability where you might want to finally allow yourself and your ex to “get things off your chest”. This could open up doors that lead places that conflict with the current relationship you’re in. These tender emotions that are coming back up could lead you back into your ex’s arms (if only for that moment), and also cloud your vision as to what you really want now that this person is “back”! The longer you wait to address a problem, the greater the problem gets.

As someone coming in as the rebound, it’s important that you take your time and get to know this person before getting emotionally involved. By asking questions about a person’s relationship history, you will begin to see who he really is, and measure his emotional availability. If a man has been hurt by his ex, or if he is still emotionally attached to his ex, then he won’t be ready to give his heart to another woman. You need to know when their last relationship ended, why it ended, and if he’s ready to date new people. Him being emotionally unavailable has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you, this is simply indication that he is not ready to open up a new chapter in his life because he hasn’t yet closed the old one with his ex. This is not to say that he’s still romantically interested in her, this is simply to say that he has not completely ended things with her in his heart.

It’s impossible to completely cut off a relationship where the heart was involved without due process without experiencing a high level of guilt. Ending the relationship should be done the same way it began… and that’s with a conversation. No matter what went wrong in the relationship, it’s important to show one another dignity and respect during your exit and completely end things in that final conversation, otherwise there will still be thoughts, feelings, and even repressed desires that were never expressed that need to be expressed, and can only be done through one another. When you don’t give your ex the opportunity to express themselves during the exit, you are granting them space and opportunity, or you give them a reason to come back into your life.

If his ex is still calling, then she is still relevant, no matter how many times he’s asked her to stop calling. If they ended things with a conversation and have agreed to part ways and respect each other’s wishes, then that’s what they would do for one another. If it appears that they are not on good terms and she’s constantly calling your man, then take a closer look at your man. There’s a reason why she is calling, and don’t for one second allow your man to convince you that it’s because she’s “madly in love” with him. He’s either still sexually involved with her, is still in a relationship with her, or perhaps she suffers from having abandonment issues, and he walked out on her without giving her any closure. In any event, take your eyes off of her for a moment, and fix your eyes closely on “him”. The treatment that he’s giving his ex right now, could one day be you.

After a break-up there should be a healing period, where you reflect on your life, your well-being, and your future. This healing process shouldn’t be interrupted by a new relationship. So if you find yourself meeting a man during his healing process, you will be his “interruption”. You’ll be taking him off the path he needs to be on to start loving himself again, and making himself emotionally available to love someone else.  Much better for you to acknowledge his position, step back and be a friend to him, get to know him while he’s in this vulnerable state, and learn as much as you can about him while he builds himself back up from this past relationship.

His issues with his ex are his issues. If you sense that your man still has ties with his ex, remove yourself from his life while the two of them sort them out. While he’s sorting out his life, you should be sorting out yours, not waiting for him to come back around. He may find that his heart belongs with his ex, and if that’s the case, wish him the best. There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. The one you give your time to should be a man who gives you hope, not doubt! This is why he’s called “The One”… out of all the other possible men you could choose from, he is the one you felt added the most value to your life. Instead of settling for less, wait for more!