Q: I’m dating a co-worker, now we live together & he’s cheating! What should I do?

Q: I’m in a relationship with a guy who works at a club with me. When we met, we immediately hit it off and hooked up right away. It’s been 8 months, we’ve made it official, and we’re now living together. The problem is, I don’t trust him. He would flirt with women at the club, etc… and one day, I found a pair of thongs in his pocket and he swore on his mother’s grave that he didn’t know how they got there. I also hacked into his FB account and read messages to other women talking about sex, and going to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test. He claims he wants to marry me, but I’ve spoken to 4 other women who said he tells them the same thing. His FB status used to say “In a relationship (with me), but now it doesn’t. He used to come and go as he pleases and never tells me anything, but that he recently changed. Should I stay with this man in hopes that he will shape up and eventually follow through with the marriage?

A: The introduction is the most important part of any relationship. Where you meet a person, how you meet a person, and why you met a person will play a significant part in your future with someone, or the lack thereof.  A man knows the role he wants for a woman to play in his life “before” he even meets her (whether he tells you this or not). For example: If a woman is dressed provocatively at a night club… it doesn’t matter how intelligent she is, how loving/caring/etc… the man has already made up in his mind that he wants to have sex and nothing more from her before he even walks up and says, “Hello”. From that point he will only do “just enough” to keep the sex coming, however the bedroom is the extent of his interest based on your initial presentation.

It’s true, you meet people where you meet people, however it’s important to maintain your position of power until you and your significant other have reached a mutual state of vulnerability and understanding. We all start off with power, but there are two problems with power: 1) We don’t know that we have it. 2) We’re constantly giving it up too easily! Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies; you’re going to meet people each and every day, everywhere you go, however not everyone should be granted access to you and your personal life. When you’re in a position where you will have to see a person not by design, but by chance, this can affect the romance in your relationship., so be selective and strategic about who you let get close to you.

There’s nothing wrong with making love connections at work, however it’s important that your colleagues respect you, and vice versa. You can maintain your dignity and respect by not allowing him any access to your personal life or seeing you in a vulnerable state.  Once you give him access to you, you’re giving up your power because you’re then showing him that you are easily accessible, and this action may insist that dating a co-worker is something that you would do anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. It also should show you that he is also available to do the same. With this in mind, it’s evident that even going to work is a hunting ground for dating &.

There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. There needs to be a level of comfort and security in places that you frequent (i.e. Work, school, the gym, your home), so being selective with whom you become romantically involved with will save you from many awkward moments should the relationship not work out, and should you still have to cross paths.  Another thing to consider would be your reputation amongst your colleagues. Respect amongst your peers will also keep you in a position of power.

If you choose to be romantically involved with a co-worker who works in the same department as you do, you will naturally become distracted from your work and begin to focus more on this individual that you’re involved with. You’ll start watching/listening more closely to what they say, watching who they speak to and trying to figure out what they’re speaking to them about, worrying about whether or not he/she is just friends, etc. And this is perfectly natural. Your feelings are involved!!! And this person is in close proximity to you during a time where your emotions should not be in tune.

Many things that this person says and does while under your “scope” will in fact make you uncomfortable. Some may come off as offensive, and some might come off as harmless. Either way, the workplace is a great opportunity to get away from your partner, so that you can look forward to seeing each other when you get home. Work adds lots of stress on it’s own. Being stressed by your job AND by your partner at work will do nothing but bring your stress from your job/partner right into your place of peace (your home). Which in turn will push you further and further away from your partner.

You’ve been with each other for 8 months, you haven’t been given an engagement ring, you have no children together, and yall are not married… The two of you should not be living together. You’ve allowed this man to get close… too soon, not to mention, you slept with him way too soon and now he is C-O-M-F-O-R-T-A-B-L-E!!! It’s too late for you and him, but you can certainly learn from this experience and never make it again.

This guy is disrespecting you left and right!!!! And he will continue to disrespect you until You have to finally say “I’ve had enough!!!” You know that this man is no good, but because you are infatuated with this man, you need to actually “see” him having sex with another woman for you to believe he’s cheating. You found the thongs in his pocket (that didn’t belong to you). You found messages on his FB talking about sex, Planned Parenthood/pregnancy tests, etc, he used to come and go as he pleased, he flirts with women at the club you both work at, he tells other women he wants to marry them (which insists that they have a deep/intimate relationship) while involved with you. There is nothing about this man that should make you want to be committed to him or look forward to any type of serious future with him.

He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and if you are looking for a serious relationship, it need not be with this guy. Know your worth! Standing by a man who disrespects you to this capacity is completely unacceptable. “You” have to believe and know in your heart that you deserve better. Once you know this and believe this… men who treat you like this become SO unattractive! And you’ll want to distance yourself from them as much as humanly possible, as opposed to figuring out a way to get closer to them and change their behavior. Take some time away from men, find yourself, work on being the best woman you can be physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially and you’ll attract the best man 😉

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A “Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with someone, and it can be an even more enjoyable experience if both parties mutually love/respect/care for one another. Your body is a temple; you have one life to live, and no one can protect your body better than you can so be sure to be as safe as possible when engaging in sexual activity with someone. Being abstinent is the best way to protect yourself against STDs and pregnancy, however, if you’re going to be sexually active with someone, it’s a good idea to protect yourself by requiring that the man wear a condom.

Many women won’t like this next part, but the ladies are going to love it…

Contrary to popular belief, there are gender roles in life. Due to the “times changing”, and women gaining more and more independence, many have lost sight of these gender roles and traditions. Condoms are meant to protect sexual partners from HIV/STDS and prevent pregnancy, however, a male should at the very least be responsible enough to provide protection if he so wishes to enter a females body. At one point in time, a woman’s body used to be… a “temple” and sex took place after marriage. In this day and age, females are carrying around condoms “just in case” they happen to have sex on the way to work, at the gym, on vacation, etc.

A “lady” never carries around condoms because a lady knows exactly where she’s getting sex from, when she’s getting sex, and from whom! The condoms are stationary and never move! A woman who is less than a lady isn’t sure who/when/where she’s getting her sex from, so she carries condoms just in case the occasion were to ever arise. A lady makes a man wait until he has proven to be worthy of having her body, so in the mean time, conversation is the only thing a lady carries. By carrying condoms, a woman suggests that she is ready, willing, and able to have sex anytime, any place, and with anyone! This is what I like to call “surprise sex”!

One of the reasons why men slack off is because there will always be a woman somewhere ready, willing, and able to take on “his” responsibilities. A man does not have a vagina, and since this is so, he never purchases or carries female condoms (as much as they would protect them from STDs/pregnancy. A woman doesn’t have a penis, but she makes it her business to purchase, store, and carry something that simply isn’t made for her (not including substitute forms of pleasure). Any man a woman would consider allowing into her body should be capable of purchasing/providing his own protection. If not, he should not be considered as a sexual partner because he’s not showing that he cares enough about his health to protect it! If he doesn’t make it his business to be prepared to protect his own body, one can only imagine the distance he’ll go to protect hers (or the lack thereof).

There is a deeper correlation to consider when looking at a female carrying around condoms. This practice does not apply to every female; only a “certain type” of female carries around condoms. Men love sex, anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone! A lady simply doesn’t have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone. Her body is “exclusive” to one man and with this one man, he treats her like a lady, gives her time to prepare, arranges a suitable/comfortable environment, and romances her before sharing their bodies with one another. There’s communication and planning on both parts, and the man will not risk not being ready for the world!

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Since men love to have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone, he will certainly appreciate the fact that you have a spare condom, but he will not respect you as a lady, but as a whore! He will enjoy the hour of pleasure, and even thank you afterwards, but he will forever view you as “that girl who carries around condoms”. In the front of his mind, he will suspect that this is who you are, and how you handle yourself in your everyday life with other men. It’s equivalent to a man carrying around a morning after pill… “Hey, you just never know when you’re gonna need these!”

***The only time a man might not be prepared with a condom is when it’s fast/easy/sleezy/surprise sex with whomever is available. When it comes to a lady, “surprise sex” occurs with the man she’s committed to. Surprise sex without a commitment strips a woman of her “lady like” image/title and places her in the category of the “jump off”. Jump offs need condoms because they never know when things are going to “jump on/off”.

Jump off– A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

A man may have concerns with getting a woman pregnant, but chances are you won’t find him carrying around cases of the morning after pill. If he did, that would certainly be a huge reflection of huge character and suggest that this isn’t the first, nor will it be his last experience in having unprotected sex with a woman he doesn’t want to have a child with. A man cannot take morning after pills, so he has no business carrying them. It’s a female’s decision to invest in and consume the pill, so it should be left up to her to retrieve them. As with a male and his condoms.

Communication is key! By communicating with your partner that you would like to have sex on Saturday, 8pm, at 123 Hump Rd, you give the man an opportunity to prepare himself to have a safe, clean, and fun sexual experience with you. He has time to shower, prepare mentally, and also retrieve condoms to protect you both from STDs and pregnancy. With communication, you eliminate any and all ambiguity, and you also give the man the opportunity to prove that he is capable of being responsible.

If a man you’re considering for sex shows up without condoms, then that’s only “one” major issue you need to consider. In the heat of the moment, you will notice that a man will still sleep with you with or without a condom (not knowing his status or yours). Having your condoms ready “just in case” only protects you from STDs and pregnancy for that hour, however it does not solve the issue of your sexual partner not caring enough about himself to protect his one and only body from STDs! If he doesn’t care enough to protect his own body, he certainly won’t take precautions for yours. Instead of making it easy on these men and still accepting them for not coming prepared, they should be rejected for that reason!

Men and women are different in many ways. The average straight male does not do a regular check-up at the doctor’s office. If a man has HIV/AIDs/STDs, it’s highly probable that he’s had it for months or even years. When you use that condom that you’re carrying around in that “better safe than sorry” situation, the sex will bring you closer and closer to that person. Before becoming closer and closer to a person sexually, get closer and closer to their personality, character, morals, values, and principles, and most importantly… get to know their status. These key ingredients will raise your awareness/confidence in knowing/trusting your partners judgment. With trust comes shared responsibilities! When it comes to sex, one thing a man is very capable of being responsible for is carrying a condom, so allow him this one task while you (the female) take on another!

If your goal is to be “cautious”, abstinence will suffice. If you choose to have sex, take extra precautions such as talking to your partner about one another’s sexual activity with others, the level of exclusivity you expect from them, and go get tested together. Communication is key! If you are not interested in having unprotected sex, make having a condom a requirement. If he wants to continue having sex with you, and if he respects you and himself, he will make it a point to have condoms ready each and every time the two of you are ready to have sex. Continue to be a lady, and only associate yourself with a respectable gentlemen. A man will respect you when you show him that you respect yourself!

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Single Parent Dating!

If you are a mother (whether you are still in a relationship with the kids father or not) , your primary concern should be the well-being of your children, their upbringing, their support system, the influences in and out of their lives, etc. If/when you end the relationship with the kid’s father, you have to be very careful with the next man/men you allow in your kids lives because it will affect the way your child feels about you, and it will also affect your child’s behavior in the future. When you’re finally ready to get back on the dating scene, it is important that when you’re getting to know the guy that you give details about your life such as “you being a single parent raising a child”.

You should also be sure to get his views and feedback on how he feels about dating a single parent. While you’re talking and getting to know one another, you should discuss your morals and values and his. And in these discussions, you should make it clear that you are interested in a commitment, and that you respect your children, and will not entertain anything short of a relationship of substance that will lead to marriage. At these early stages, removing sex will allow you to measure his sincerity in making a decision on whether or not he feels you’re worth investing more time/energy/effort/money in.

Sidenote: Do not confuse yourself by thinking just because he too has kids that he’s willing to date a woman who also has kids. Test him!!!

Test the guy you’re dating’s character every chance you get! Ask him what his relationship is like with his mother, his ex wife, and his own children. BTW the way he treats you is in no way shape or form an indication of how he will treat your child. You have to actually allow him to meet and interact with your children to see how far he is willing to go to gain your child’s approval. If he doesn’t go the distance to win your child over, then he should no longer be considered as a candidate for a relationship because your child is your heart… and your heart is what he’s ultimately trying to win. And furthermore, if your child does not accept this man or doesn’t approve of him, then you should respect your child’s decision and choose your child over that man.

Your child’s approval is needed before you can proceed with a new romantic relationship. Now we know “you” are comfortable with this new guy, but “your kids” need to be comfortable with this new man who’s coming into the family and spending time with their beloved mother, and he by no means should be forced onto your kids simply because you’re lonely and need a man. Forcing a new man on a child could cause resentment either towards the man… but more importantly towards “you”!!! Your “kids” are forever!!! A “man” can leave you and forget about you at any given time if he no longer wants to deal with the package that comes along with dating you!!! And you’ll be left with the same  kid that you started with. So be sure to make decisions that work best for the “family” and not just for “you”.

If you put yourself first, allow yourself to get close to this man, start sleeping with him, etc before he wins your children’s hearts, you’ll be heading towards the point of no return. Meaning you will want this man in your life so badly because of the way he makes “you” feel, that you totally forget about your heart… your world… which is “your child”. And your child gets stuck with the leftovers. Not to mention, this new guy will be so comfortable and used to being with just you, that once your kid comes into the picture, it will be a “buzz kill” for him. He might love mommy… might care about mommy… but that doesn’t have anything at all to do with this kid you have laying around the house.

You have to make “the new guy having a relationship with your child” a requirement (in the beginning). Don’t be afraid to lose him! If he doesn’t want to have a relationship with your child… he shouldn’t be rewarded with the privilege of being in a relationship with you <<<< Unfortunately, there are too many women out there who are afraid that a man will run as soon as they make “being a step-dad” a requirement to be with them. But this is something that you have to do if you want to become serious with a man and have him be a part of your family.

You are not a single bachelorette anymore!!! You are a “package” now. <<< This is your life!!! Any new guy that comes alone has no choice but to either be ok with this or explore other options. If he’s looking to simply date and have sex, then he needs to find a woman who can afford to do so. A single woman raising a child though needs to find a man who can and will be there for her and her child. In fact, his relationship with your child should be so strong that if you and him didn’t work out, he would still want to be involved in your kid’s life… and your kid would still want to be involved in his life. <<< This is the kind of man you need. But in order to figure out if he’s that type of man, you have to put him through vigorous tests in the beginning!!!

A man who has the heart to take care of another woman’s kids is going to get an infinite amount of sex simply for the gesture, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. What’s important now though is… is he genuine and sincere? Is he offering to do activities that are kid friendly? Is he interacting with your child? Is he taking a personal/genuine interest in them? Is he compassionate? Or his he solely interested in you? These are things you can see with your eyes, hear with your ears, and feel with your heart. If he fails this test in the beginning, he should no longer be considered for a relationship or marriage because your child comes first.

Now if you didn’t put him through all these tests and you let him slide by sexing him, committing to him, moving in together, marrying him, etc, then you’re setting yourself up to get your heart broken, because now… you’ve grown emotionally attached to him without him first winning your heart (which is your child), and now it’s a gamble whether or not the love he has for you will trickle down to your kids.  If at any point you realize that that man is not loving your child the way a husband father should (as if it were his own), then you’ll begin to  see just how important your child is to you. And you’re also going to see how little this man means to you in comparison to your child.

And if his heart was not involved with your children from the beginning, you can’t possibly expect for his heart to miraculously be involved later on simply because you’re in a relationship or married <<<< This is a sign that his interest was in “you”!!! And since bonding with your children/loving your children/respecting your children was not a requirement to be with you, he’ll be reluctant to honor these sudden requests throughout the relationship.

It’s extremely important to know how the man you let into your life feels about your child before getting involved with him. Who knows? That man might think your kids are annoying… or spoiled… have no discipline… aren’t too bright… looks too geeky… talks too much… or whatever!!! The sky is the limit! If while dating a man, and after you’ve introduced him to your child, you notice that he’s not “eager” to see your kid again, doesn’t talk about your kid, or doesn’t mention kids period, then you should have a conversation with him about what he thinks about “your” child. <<<< Use this information to make your decision on whether you want to deal with him or not.

You can test the waters by casually introducing your children to the man you’re dating and get a feel of how they interact with one another. The clear cut signs will be there from the very beginning, and it will be indication of what you can look forward to in the end. This is your future we’re talking about and not every man you meet will be worthy of being in your child’s presence. This could mean being single for 5, 10, 15+ years!!! However long it takes! But your kids need to be loved, respected, and they need to be comfortable at all times.

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Q: “Should I focus on a man? Or stayed focused on my career?”

Q: “Should I focus on a man? Or stayed focused on my career?”

A: In the early stages of a young adult’s life, a person will commit to relationships without having the big picture in mind. They’ll take chances on numerous relationships not because they see this person as marriage potential, but more so because they “like” the person that he/she portrays themselves to be and want to experience more of them, and/or because they are desperate for companionship and simply don’t want to be alone. There are rules to relationships, and proven studies show that having standards and setting requirements will in fact make a woman more desirable to a man who is looking for a serious relationship. When you have a woman who is at this place in her life, and you match her with a man who is mature enough to appreciate a woman of this caliber, it’s a match made in heaven, and the potential to grow with one another is far greater than anything that comes easy.

The men who want sex fast & easy will look at your standards and requirements as a turn off, or accuse you of being extremely picky, etc. If this happens, that means your plan is working like a charm. You’re weeding out the men who are not interested in having a serious committed relationship, while allowing yourself to still be open and available to the men who are. The men who are looking to settle down and be in a serious monogamous relationship are the ones you should be marketing to. Being single is what you do when you’re trying to find/establish yourself, and/or you haven’t yet found someone who’s met your standards/requirements. There are millions of men in this world, and you only need “one”. Your days of being single will come to an end when that one man sees the value in being with a woman who knows her worth, is exclusive, and has the potential to add value to his life.

If you are focused on your goals, stay focused on your goals, as a relationship will bring you closer to him, and take you further and further away from your goals. Once you feel you are ready to get back on the dating scene, put yourself out there where your type of man can find you. Date multiple men at one time so that you don’t find yourself settling on just “one” option. By dating multiple men, you expose yourself to individuals who may have similar credentials, but are distinguished by their personality, morals, values, and principles that they live by. Keep your options open and settle on the one who adds the most value to your life.

Focus on your health, wealth, education, and happiness. Focus on a man when he focuses on you.

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Being Emotionally Available

Being Emotionally Available Being in a relationship requires that two people “share” their worlds with one another. They share their mind, body, resources, and more in order to help one another grow as a couple. In order to attract the best person that will fit into your life, you first have to work on being the best person you can be on the inside and outside. When you love yourself, you begin to feel good, and the energy you give off will attract other happy and loving individuals. If you can find love and happiness inside of you, you’ll never go a day without it. Many times in our lives, we search to no end for love in many different aspects of life (i.e. Work, relationships, sex, material things). Instead of searching “outward” for love, search “inward” for love. If you’re looking for love, hold up a mirror!

When you find love and happiness within yourself, you know exactly what it feels like. So much so, that you know when you’re giving it to others, as well as getting it from others, or the lack thereof. When you solely rely on an outward source for love, that love does not belong to you, it belongs to the provider and can be denied and/or stripped at any given time. If that source of love dies, abandons you, or recognizes that you are dependent upon it’s source and decides to abuse their power by depriving you of love, you leave yourself vulnerable to heartbreak and anguish. By loving yourself, your source of love/power lies within you and will never die, leave you, or forsake you! Make loving yourself an everyday regimen for the rest of your life. Wake up in the morning loving the way you feel, look in the mirror loving the way you look, and finally, open up the front door prepared to love the rest of the world!

Loving yourself is an inside job that starts in the home. If loves dwells in the home, you’ll be more careful with who you let in, you’ll cherish it/protect it, and your heart will always have a place to revive itself whenever in need. Your home is your place of peace, your escape from the world, and your comfort zone. The things you place inside should be anything that brings you love, joy, and happiness (i.e. Music, pictures, food, interior design, fragrances, etc). If the world and the people in it treat you cruelly, you’ll always have a place to go as a reminder of what love & happiness feels like. As tempting as it may be to stay home and embellish in all the goodness this love environment has to offer, remember to spread love to others once you find it in yourself. Finding yourself and loving yourself is a journey.

For many, finding love will require redefining what love is as a whole; this is due to severe emotional damage caused by previous distributors of love in the past (i.e. Parents, ex’s, friends, etc). Love is something that you do and feel; once two people feel loved and show love, it becomes evident that they are in love with one another. Love feels good; you’ll know you’re not in love with someone else when it starts to hurt. When whatever you’ve associated with love becomes detrimental to your health, it needs to be removed from your life. When you remove someone or something from your life that hurts, you leave more room for someone or something to come into your life that helps. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Having love for yourself, as well as others instantaneously adds value to your life and the lives of others, therefore establishing your worth.

Finding and loving yourself takes precious time and it cannot be rushed or interrupted by others looking to convince you of what love means to them. Finding yourself means you’re not looking for others. On this journey, you want to figure out what feels, looks, tastes, smells, and sounds good to “you”. Avoid any outside influences; use this time to enjoy being alone and figuring out what’s best for you and your life. Throughout life, you will come across many people who will hurt you intentionally and/or accidentally. People you’ve lived with, shared secrets with, shared the most precious years of your life with will have all had a hand in your heartbreak and disappointment over the years. By removing this pain from your heart, you’re allowing room for pleasure to come in. Pain has a way of remaining in the heart for as long as you give power to its source.

If something is causing you to be unhappy, locate the source, and eliminate the source of power. You can take away any and all power from its source by “forgiving” others for any pain they’ve ever caused you. By clearing your conscience, you no longer have a reason to think about unhappiness or the people who caused you to be unhappy. Love & happiness is a magnet! People are attracted to people who appear to be happy either because it reminds them of themselves or of where they want to be. Friendship is the key to building up romance; romance has the potential to lead to a committed relationship; a committed relationship has the potential to lead to a life long commitment (i.e. Marriage).

In order to establish a true friendship with someone, there has to be love and happiness inside of you that attracts them. If your inner beauty is dimmed, your outer beauty will be the only thing left to shine. Your outer beauty is what will get people to come; your inner beauty is what will get people to stay. Continue to work on being the best person you can be, and you’ll attract the best people. Being emotionally available means that you’re ready to love and be loved by someone else. Always remember that relationships aren’t for everybody; relationships are only for the ready. Repair and restore your heart before making it available to another. If someone you love doesn’t know how to take care of it, learn your lesson and stop giving it to them.

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Give Each Other Space!

There are two rules to love 1) You do it! 2) You don’t! It’s easy to love someone from a distance because there’s no significant time, energy, or effort required to make the relationship work. Anytime you haven’t seen someone in awhile, there’s the “thrill” of being in each other’s presence once again after so long, and there’s a desire to get caught up to date on things. Space and time apart creates romance; the desire to show love and receive love from a person who’s been missing from your life.

One of the keys to making romance in a relationship last is to not become too familiar and get stuck in a routine. While it’s not important that your significant other knows your each and every move, it is important that when granted this freedom and this trust, that you honor it by staying true to yourself and true to your partner. Here are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (According to AskCheyB) Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Incorporate these habits and your partner will have no reason to question or doubt the moves you make.

A great way to keep a relationship fresh all the way to the end is by being consistent with everything you did in the beginning. In the beginning, a man courts a woman, treats her like a lady, spends time a part and schedules time to be together. The time spent apart makes the time spent together that much more special. With work, school, and other responsibilities, it’s a joy to be whisked away from life’s harsh realities by a person who has a genuine interest in being with you.

In addition to a busy schedule and a hectic lifestyle, there’s also the idea that the person you’re dating is also dating other people, so in order to stay relevant, you have to compete for one another’s time, love, and affection. A common mistake that many people make once they’ve “got the girl/guy” is they stop competing. The competition (i.e. admirers) will never stop coming; if you don’t see to it that your partner is happy, someone else will.

If you are not consistent throughout the relationship with the person you were in the beginning of the relationship, space can be your worst adversary. When someone is happy to have you around, they look forward to your return whenever you leave. When someone isn’t happy to have you around, they look for a way to fill that void whenever you’re gone. Love should always dwell inside of you and inside of your home; when love is lost, your partner is bound to go looking to find it. Your significant other should always feel as though you’re a source where he/she can refuel financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Many times we hold onto relationships not because we’re happy to hold on, but because we’re afraid to let go. Once you stop loving you’ll start hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving. Never stop loving yourself, and never stop loving your partner. Work strategically to make sure that your partner enjoys being with you when you’re together, and looks forward to coming back to you when they’re not. Make being together the place to be.

For the period of time you and your partner are separated, the anticipation to come back together is what keeps the excitement going. When you give your significant other something to look forward to, they’ll be focused on what’s up ahead, rather than what’s on the side. Life is a long, slow, ambiguous journey, so if you’re partnered with someone who’s dependent on you, make that journey as enjoyable as possible. It’s a challenge to be able to entertain someone for life, but that’s a part of the contract that comes along with a serious commitment so get creative

Friendship outside of the relationship is important because it gives you both something to do when you would like to spend some time away from each other. Establish trust between your partner and any of your relevant friends by introducing them early on in the relationship. The friends you associate with are a huge reflection of who you are and/or who you aspire to be, so in order to maintain a happy/healthy relationship; only associate closely with those who are positive influences in your life.

Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends. If you’re in a relationship, cherish the glory days of hanging out with all of your other single friends, and live for today by planning for a brighter future with the love of your life. A great way to still stay connected with your single friends is to host a gathering at your home; invite both couples and singles. By inviting your single friends to actually witness your new life “as a couple”; you’re granted the opportunity to show them the value in being committed.

Since we’re all adults, there’s no need for a curfew when you plan to go out, nor is there a need to constantly call to check up on your significant other once it’s been communicated that they’re going out. Keep in mind though, that your other half loves you, is concerned about your well being, and is going to miss you while you’re gone. When you have plans on going places where your significant other isn’t invited, be courteous enough to let them know where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when they should expect you home. This information will make your part feel secure, and there’s no better feeling than knowing that your home and everyone in it is safe and secure.

One of the most valued benefits of being in a relationship is companionship. It feels good to be able to come home to someone, cuddle in bed with someone, and do fun/exciting activities with someone you love. Relationships are meant to be experienced “together”, not apart, so spending weeks, months, and years away from one another goes against a huge part of what relationship is. You want to give your partner just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Being separated from your partner creates space and opportunity, and with that comes the desire to go out and do something with whoever can provide temporary satisfaction in your absence.

One of the best ways to stay a couple is to do things as a couple. If you’d like to take a nice vacation, plan in advance and budget accordingly so that you and your partner can enjoy a trip together. If there’s a networking event coming up, let your partner know in advance so that they can mark their calendar and accompany you. If there’s a new movie coming out that you’d love to see, invite your partner and make it a date night. Make  it a habit of doing things “with” your partner; when it’s time for you to do things alone, they won’t feel neglected.

The right amount of space and time a part can create the illusion of being without that person you love, giving you both the opportunity to miss one another. The anticipation of the return is what helps the romance grow stronger. There’s a great chance that your partner will get bored and feel smothered if you’re constantly around one another day in and day out. So much so that they will want to find a source of entertainment outside of the home, and away from you (for a change). To avoid this, have balance between work, school, other responsibilities, couple time, and alone time.

A little bit of reverse psychology never hurt either (i.e. Encourage your significant other to go out and hang out with their friends and have fun). Let them know that you’ll be at home waiting when they return and that you want them to go out and have a good time. At the end of the night you’ll be right back in each others warm embrace. Create space when there is none and you will see and feel the void in the air; you’ll look forward to being in your lovers presence again all due to this brief time apart.

Life and relationships are very much like the game of chess. You have to study your target, strategically plan your every move, and always keep your mate in check.

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Always Put Family First!

Throughout our journeys in life, we will meet many wonderful people in many places; some may stay, and some may go. No matter who comes into our lives and who leaves, what remains true is that the people in our families always remain in our hearts and on our minds. We forget the names of the people we grew up with, the kids we went to school with, the people we used to work with, but it’s important to never exclude, never abandon and never forget about our families.

It’s great to have a spiritual and emotional connection to other human beings, but what’s even more wonderful about having love for others is letting those people know through your actions and your words that you love them. When you have people in your life that mean something to you, be a light to their lives by expressing these thoughts and feelings directly to them. Love starts in the home, so be a distributor of it to everyone and everything in your household, and pray that love will always dwell inside of you all. A family that prays together stays together.

Home is where the heart is! It’s counter-productive to be the best person you can be all by yourself when you’ve got the worst children, the worst siblings, the worst parents, or the worst significant other. Learn to grow “together”; be an inspiration to everyone by constantly giving words of inspiration and encouragement. Everyone should start their day off feeling great, go on about their day feeling uplifted, and look forward to coming home to a place that feels like paradise. If your home feels like a prison or a nightmare, there’s a great chance that the people who live there will want to spend more time everywhere else than at home with family. Make your home feel like an escape from the world’s harsh realities, instead of a place that reminds them of it.

Everywhere you go and everything you do should be a reflection of who you are and what you represent. When you have a family, you represent them as well as yourself, so always present yourself in the way you want to be known and remembered as. Carry yourself with dignity and respect when you’re around your family, and continue to do the same when you’re not. The people you love deserve to have a positive role model who is strong enough and capable of leading a respectable and commendable life, as you would expect the same consideration out of all the members of your family.

If there’s anything we have in this world, it’s “time”. You can never be too busy for the family you’ve created. Your family depends on you so be there for them as often as you can. A husband and a wife need each other, children need their parents, and siblings need one another. Without our families, we’re stuck in this world with random people. Allow the love you have for yourself and the love you have for your family to be the glue that sticks you together for as long as you live.

Being a family requires teamwork. Everyone has a role to play and everyone is responsible for doing his or her part in the relationship. The man of the house protects and provides, the lady of the house nurtures and supports, and the children serve as aids to both parents. A family divided stays weak, but a family together stays strong! Encourage one another to be the best person they can be and to help one another grow stronger in God.

A good husband serves as a guide for the rest of the family; he sets the example for the way a man should care for his wife and children, and well as the man he should be in the public eye. He maintains a legitimate source of income and he brings his entire revenue home to share with his family. A good wife is an accountant in her own right; She takes care of the home, so she knows when the refrigerator is empty, when the children are sick or need new things, when the house needs repairs, etc so she is given the power to delegate where the family’s money is distributed. The children obey their mother and their father, and they take heed to the lessons being given, as these are life lessons that are designed to prepare them for the real world!

The love and fellowship you share within your household will be the motivation for your family to stay happy, healthy, and prosperous. Take a genuine interest in your family member’s hobbies and interests; be the first to show them that you care and that you support their endeavors. Give feedback on how they can improve what may seem to be a good idea, and help them make it into something great! Offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to express their feelings to when you see your loved ones in want/need of attention. When love can be found inside of the home, there’s no need or desire to outsource.

Friendship is the key to romance, and it’s romance that brought you the relationship that you’re currently in. A husband should be a wife’s best male friend, and a wife should be a husband’s best female friend; value this union and let no one come between it. Many will try to break the sanctity of your union, but know that for them, this challenge is merely for sport. They have no real desire to build a life of substance with you. They simply want to see how close they can get to you and to prove that by you giving your time/energy/effort to another man/woman, you can’t possibly be as happy and/or exclusive as you claim to be. Let no one break your family’s bond!

Being single gives us a great deal of independence; a feeling that for a long time we are reluctant to relinquish. And for this reason I say, Relationships and marriages aren’t for everybody; Relationships and marriages are only for the ready! Being in a relationship means that you are willing to “share” your world with someone else. If you’re sharing your world with someone and they’re sharing their world with you… your independence then turns into “interdependence”. If you have nothing to give and/or if you’re not willing to share your world, you are not ready to be in a relationship/marriage.

When you’re single, you and your friends lose all sense of time. When you’re in a relationship or married, timing is of the essence. When you’re independent, there’s no one that you have to consider. When you have a family, there’s everyone in your home to consider. When you’re by yourself, you can afford to miss a meal. When you’re accountable for others you have to make sure everyone gets fed.

The same people you spend your leisure time with while you’re away from your family should be welcome in your home amongst your family. Surround yourself with happy, healthy, and prosperous people, and invite those same individuals to fellowship with the people who are important in your life. The people whom you associate with the most on a personal level have the capacity to influence your behavior and your decisions, so choose wisely. Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends.

If you come to realize that you’re not ready for a relationship and/or marriage, take the noble pursuit by being honest with yourself and your partner about it. Commit to someone if/when you can afford to give a part of yourself to another. Having children with someone binds you for life, however it does not contract the two of you in a life long “romantic” relationship with one another. If your relationship with your partner doesn’t work out, the two of you should continue to treat one another with dignity and respect for the sake of the child and for peace of mind. While separated, take time to focus on yourself, your child, and your future. Keep the family together in spirit.

Being responsible means you have something to lose and that you’re not willing to lose it. Be responsible for your family! If you lose your family, you’ll come to find that they’re the only ones that really wanted you around and loved you unconditionally. There is nothing more important than family! Not work, not sex, not money or things! There is nothing more valuable than your family’s fellowship. Make the people you love and the people you care about number one in your life.

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“Q: My man’s ex who he has no ties with still keeps in contact! Should I make anything of this?”

“Q: My man’s ex who he has no ties with still keeps in contact! Should I make anything of this?”

A: When breaking up with someone, you have to make sure that you get your ex completely out of your system. There’s normally a downward spiraling effect before the relationship completely comes to an end. One thing couples frequently due is end relationships out of anger and frustration, losing total respect for one another and never wanting to speak to one another again. Then as time goes by and things have calmed down, one or both parties apologizes for their mistakes, immediately release their sexual frustration, but never come to address the issues that caused them to break-up in the first place.

It’s important to have conversations with the people you’re interested in becoming romantically involved with. You need to know when their last relationship ended, why it ended, and if he’s ready to date new people. You can’t move onto the next, until you’re through with your ex. This is no fault of yours, it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you, this is simply indication that he is not ready to open up a new chapter in his life because he hasn’t yet closed the old one with his ex. This is not to say that he’s still romantically interested in her, this is simply to say that he has not completely ended things with her.

It’s impossible to completely cut off a relationship where the heart was involved without due process. Ending the relationship should be done the same way it began… and that’s with a conversation. No matter what went wrong in the relationship, it’s important to show one another dignity and respect during your exit and completely end things in that final conversation, otherwise there will still be thoughts, feelings, and even repressed desires that were never expressed that need to be expressed, and only through one another. When you don’t give your ex the opportunity to express themselves during the exit, you leave them space and opportunity, or you give them a reason to come back into your life.

If she’s still calling, then she is still relevant, no matter how many times he’s asked her to stop calling. If they ended things with a conversation and have agreed to part ways and respect each other’s wishes, then that’s what they would do for one another. If it appears that they are not on good terms and she’s constantly calling your man, then take a closer look at your man. There’s a reason why she is calling, and don’t for one second allow your man to convince you that it’s because she’s “madly in love” with him. He’s either still sexually involved with her, is still in a relationship with her, or perhaps she suffers from having abandonment issues, and he walked out on her without giving her any closure. In any event, take your eyes off of her, and fix your eyes closely on “him”, because the way he’s treating his ex could eventually be you.

After a break-up there should be a healing period, where you reflect on your life, your well-being, and your future. This healing process shouldn’t be interrupted by a new relationship. So if you find yourself meeting a man during his healing process, you will be his “interruption”. Taking him off the path he needs to be on to start loving himself again, and making himself emotionally available to love someone else.  Much better for you to acknowledge his position, step back and be a friend to him, get to know him while he’s in this vulnerable state, and learn as much as you can about him while he builds himself back up from this past relationship.

His issues with his ex are his issues. Remove yourself from his life and let the two of them sort them out. Don’t lower yourself by putting up with this unnecessary drama that has nothing to do with you. There are many other fishes in the sea. Get out there and catch the one that treats you with dignity and respect and doesn’t bring any extra baggage into your life.

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Q: How do men feel about being in a relationship with a woman who’s best friend is a guy?

Q: How do men feel about being in a relationship with a woman who’s best friend is a guy?

A: If a man’s significant other has a male best friend and he is “truly” a friend, he would expect for that person to be in his space. (i.e. In his home, possibly at family gatherings, and at events by personal invite). Any friend that’s a friend to his woman now needs to become a friend to them “as a couple” if he plans on being in his woman’s life. If the man you are with is “the” the man in her life… then “he” should be your best friend. He’s the man you talk to when you’re feeling troubled, when you get that new promotion, or when you simply want to express your innermost thoughts/feelings. You should be that vulnerable to and have that connection with “your man”… and the men in your family.

When you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone, you no longer need the support that you were once getting from your “male friend(s)”… because you’ll be getting it from “your man” now. If this male best friend of yours is in a relationship of his own, he has no business focusing his time and energy on another man’s woman… as I’m sure his woman would agree. If he’s single, then that’s even more of a reason why he shouldn’t be affiliated with you. By him being single, he’ll have more time/energy/desire to be around/speak to/influence you, and that’s your man’s position. You have one man who’s romantically significant in your life, and there can’t be two of them.

Men will constantly be in pursuit of women (whether they make it clear that they are off the market or not). Women who make themselves available to be seduced, and place themselves in positions to be taken advantage of have are more likely to be persuaded to indulge in forbidden temptations. It’s perfectly natural for a significant other to be territorial and want to feel as though they belong to their partner and their partner belongs to them (in spirit). What’s special about being in a relationship is the idea that what you’ve worked for cannot be easily obtained by another person who just waltzes into your life on a whim, and that what you have together is cherished/valued.

With this in mind, a man will recognize a part of “him” in this other guy. The part where he would take a gentle approach to get closer to your heart. While he trusts “you”, he does not trust the man who claims to be a friend. Men have no desire to be “just friends” with a woman. Friendship is the key to building the foundation for a longer lasting romantic. While you ( the woman) feels it’s safe to be friends with this other guy, your man identifies with the strategy this other guy (who’s quite clever might I add) is using to slowly but surely make his woman fall in love and/or lust with him. Being as though his woman is insistent on keeping the male friend, it makes it difficult to respect her or trust her based on the decisions she’s making.

The woman isn’t off the hook just yet… she’s well aware of the affect she has on men and on this man in particular. Her choice to remain friends shows that she enjoys the way he makes her feel, and values what “they” have more than what the man who wants to be in her future offers. There can only be one King!

When a straight man is ok with being “just friends” with a female, he either has already had sex with her, or wishes he could have sex with her and is simply waiting for her to be vulnerable. And being a “friend” is one of the best places to be when a woman is going through something in her relationship. She looks at you like a “brother”, she trusts you, and she doesn’t think you’ll ever cross that line (because you know she’s in a relationship and you know her man). Truth be told… he doesn’t look at you like a sister. He never has and he never will! He will sleep with you the first opportunity you give him (no matter what his relationship status is, and no matter what your relationship status is). With the exception of family, any straight man who remains affiliated with you (whether he makes it clear or not) is interested in sleeping with you. When you’re in a relationship with someone, your relationship with other interested parties cease and desist.

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One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple!

A man who is genuinely interested in being in a relationship with a woman and building a future with her will do everything in his power to maintain peace in the household. If for one second his lady is feeling uncomfortable and is for whatever reason not secure in him, he will stop everything that he’s doing to put her mind at ease. One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple. Granted, it’s important to have space, and have friends outside of the relationship, both parties should make it a point to include one another in their endeavors. Communication is a key aspect of a functioning relationship; it can bring you and your partner closer, and it will eliminate a lot of ambiguity, so definitely keep the communication going.

While it’s not important or relevant for your significant other to tell you “everything”, there are certain pieces of information that should be shared simply because he’s interested in sharing his world with you (the person he loves). With the exception of business meetings, personal leisure, and “Guys Night Out”, he should invite you to accompany him to events and outings. There also has to be a level of trust between the two of you. If there’s no trust, you really should consider re-evaluating your relationship with him. You don’t want to constantly be worried that every time your significant other goes out, he’s up to something. If this is the way your partner is making you feel, talk to your partner, let him know how his actions make you feel. If he’s willing to make the changes, he may be worth remaining loyal to. If he’s not willing to make the changes, cut your losses and end the relationship.

Sidenote: Never trust your partner 100%. 50% of the trust should be in your partner. The other 50% goes into your gut!

One of the best parts about being in a relationship is being “together”, so when you’re a part, you should at least be able to enjoy communicating with one another for comfort. When it’s guys night out though, let him have guys night out. Talk to him when he gets home! And if it’s a guys night out, he should have details, if he’s out for business, he should have details, if it’s a family affair, he should have details about the time, place, occasion, and you should be invited. If he’s making it his business to be “somewhere”, and you’re not invited, and he doesn’t have any details, give him a fair amount of time to get the details. Now don’t go into “insecure” mode, this is the point where you exhibit strength and you measure how considerate your man is of your feelings.

As it comes closer to the time he’s supposed to go wherever he’s going, sit back and observe; see if he’ll be considerate enough to give you details about where he’s going, with whom, and when he’ll be back. If he doesn’t show you this consideration, when he gets home, you don’t show him any consideration. Never consider those who never consider you! Whenever your man is reluctant to offer up information, it’s because he has something to hide. It doesn’t really matter what he’s hiding, what does matter is that he’s hiding it, and he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and expose himself to you (his significant other). That in itself speaks volumes, and his actions show that you’re really not that significant. If you find yourself dealing with a man who keeps secrets that are becoming hurtful to your relationship, don’t hesitate to do what’s best for you, because he is certainly doing what’s best for him.

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