Q: I’m in a relationship with a guy who works at a club with me. When we met, we immediately hit it off and hooked up right away. It’s been 8 months, we’ve made it official, and we’re now living together. The problem is, I don’t trust him. He would flirt with women at the club, etc… and one day, I found a pair of thongs in his pocket and he swore on his mother’s grave that he didn’t know how they got there. I also hacked into his FB account and read messages to other women talking about sex, and going to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test. He claims he wants to marry me, but I’ve spoken to 4 other women who said he tells them the same thing. His FB status used to say “In a relationship (with me), but now it doesn’t. He used to come and go as he pleases and never tells me anything, but that he recently changed. Should I stay with this man in hopes that he will shape up and eventually follow through with the marriage?
A: The introduction is the most important part of any relationship. Where you meet a person, how you meet a person, and why you met a person will play a significant part in your future with someone, or the lack thereof. A man knows the role he wants for a woman to play in his life “before” he even meets her (whether he tells you this or not). For example: If a woman is dressed provocatively at a night club… it doesn’t matter how intelligent she is, how loving/caring/etc… the man has already made up in his mind that he wants to have sex and nothing more from her before he even walks up and says, “Hello”. From that point he will only do “just enough” to keep the sex coming, however the bedroom is the extent of his interest based on your initial presentation.
It’s true, you meet people where you meet people, however it’s important to maintain your position of power until you and your significant other have reached a mutual state of vulnerability and understanding. We all start off with power, but there are two problems with power: 1) We don’t know that we have it. 2) We’re constantly giving it up too easily! Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies; you’re going to meet people each and every day, everywhere you go, however not everyone should be granted access to you and your personal life. When you’re in a position where you will have to see a person not by design, but by chance, this can affect the romance in your relationship., so be selective and strategic about who you let get close to you.
There’s nothing wrong with making love connections at work, however it’s important that your colleagues respect you, and vice versa. You can maintain your dignity and respect by not allowing him any access to your personal life or seeing you in a vulnerable state. Once you give him access to you, you’re giving up your power because you’re then showing him that you are easily accessible, and this action may insist that dating a co-worker is something that you would do anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. It also should show you that he is also available to do the same. With this in mind, it’s evident that even going to work is a hunting ground for dating &.
There are millions of men in the world and you only need “one”. There needs to be a level of comfort and security in places that you frequent (i.e. Work, school, the gym, your home), so being selective with whom you become romantically involved with will save you from many awkward moments should the relationship not work out, and should you still have to cross paths. Another thing to consider would be your reputation amongst your colleagues. Respect amongst your peers will also keep you in a position of power.
If you choose to be romantically involved with a co-worker who works in the same department as you do, you will naturally become distracted from your work and begin to focus more on this individual that you’re involved with. You’ll start watching/listening more closely to what they say, watching who they speak to and trying to figure out what they’re speaking to them about, worrying about whether or not he/she is just friends, etc. And this is perfectly natural. Your feelings are involved!!! And this person is in close proximity to you during a time where your emotions should not be in tune.
Many things that this person says and does while under your “scope” will in fact make you uncomfortable. Some may come off as offensive, and some might come off as harmless. Either way, the workplace is a great opportunity to get away from your partner, so that you can look forward to seeing each other when you get home. Work adds lots of stress on it’s own. Being stressed by your job AND by your partner at work will do nothing but bring your stress from your job/partner right into your place of peace (your home). Which in turn will push you further and further away from your partner.
You’ve been with each other for 8 months, you haven’t been given an engagement ring, you have no children together, and yall are not married… The two of you should not be living together. You’ve allowed this man to get close… too soon, not to mention, you slept with him way too soon and now he is C-O-M-F-O-R-T-A-B-L-E!!! It’s too late for you and him, but you can certainly learn from this experience and never make it again.
This guy is disrespecting you left and right!!!! And he will continue to disrespect you until You have to finally say “I’ve had enough!!!” You know that this man is no good, but because you are infatuated with this man, you need to actually “see” him having sex with another woman for you to believe he’s cheating. You found the thongs in his pocket (that didn’t belong to you). You found messages on his FB talking about sex, Planned Parenthood/pregnancy tests, etc, he used to come and go as he pleased, he flirts with women at the club you both work at, he tells other women he wants to marry them (which insists that they have a deep/intimate relationship) while involved with you. There is nothing about this man that should make you want to be committed to him or look forward to any type of serious future with him.
He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and if you are looking for a serious relationship, it need not be with this guy. Know your worth! Standing by a man who disrespects you to this capacity is completely unacceptable. “You” have to believe and know in your heart that you deserve better. Once you know this and believe this… men who treat you like this become SO unattractive! And you’ll want to distance yourself from them as much as humanly possible, as opposed to figuring out a way to get closer to them and change their behavior. Take some time away from men, find yourself, work on being the best woman you can be physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially and you’ll attract the best man 😉
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Life & Relationship Coach