Black Men: Plan To Be A Better Father

For years a man can live his life irresponsibly, and for a while, it’s exciting and feels worthwhile to live life without a worry or a care. But there comes a time in every man’s life where he decides he wants more for his life and his legacy, he wants to be a contribution to society and add value to the lives of others. These epiphanies normally come when he’s experienced some sort of tragedy in his life that humbles him (i.e. Death in the family, a bad break-up, loss of a job/place of residence, etc). One of the most powerful influences that drive a man towards maturity and growth is Fatherhood.

A mother/son relationship is the closest a man will ever come to experiencing unconditional love; that is until he meets his first child. When a child is born, he/she knows no one except for the people who are there, and that child inevitably grows to know & love those two people as their parents. When a man stays connected to his child, it becomes almost impossible for him to disconnect; once he feels the unconditional love his child has for him, he’ll never want to let it go.

Men are capable of completely disconnecting emotionally while being active sexually with a woman, however pregnancy and the birth of a child are very emotional places for a man. When considering the well-being of a child, it’s important that the parents have an ongoing happy/healthy relationship with one another that’s filled with what I call “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships” [Respect, love, trust, honesty, loyalty, support, and communication]. No matter how the two of you feel about one another romantically, there is a bigger picture here, and you have a moral obligation to provide the best life for your child together.

Being sexually active with someone you’re not in an exclusive relationship/marriage with can be an extreme risk factor for a woman, and should be avoided at all costs. A man who is not connected to a woman romantically will not be pleased with the idea of him having to access his emotions to nurse her through pregnancy, raise a child, and love the child. The shattering of his plan to simply be casual with her will forever leave a bad taste in his mouth and will build resentment. This is an unhealthy space for a man to be in when considering the well-fare of the child.

The power of Love through a child can certainly change a man’s mind not only about the kid, but about himself. Who better to blame for becoming a father than himself? Each day he looks at his child, it’s a reminder that “Youare accountable for your actions, whether you’d like to be or not. If you don’t like the position you’re in, change your direction and continue to move forward”. The child whom he once thought was a curse can turn into a blessing once he sees the value in fatherhood; a life changing blessing that allows him to see who he really is and where he wants to be.

There’s no running away from a child who looks just like you, behaves like you, and wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, or when he will see you again. Instead of running from his responsibilities, he looks his kid in the eyes and lets him know, “I love you, and I will always be here!” What started out as a young man living his life selfishly with little to no direction, stemmed a man who has now discovered a new purpose for living! When it comes to his child, he shares his time, his money, but most of all, he shares his love!

It’s for this reason many men who want nothing to do with the child’s mother opt never to see the child. He’s afraid of the natural love connection that will occur between a father and his child, so he avoids it at all cost. A man who has decided to only have a casual relationship with a woman will not be filled with joy after hearing the announcement of a pregnancy, but instead filled with outrage, and in some cases will flee.

Side note: It’s important to first build a solid friendship built on love and trust before making yourself accessible to someone emotionally/romantically; this process will allow you the time you need to truly assess a man’s character. As a woman, you have to protect yourself by legally binding the man you give your body to (i.e. Marriage). Men don’t fully understand, value, or respect Love, but they do understand time and money, so make sure the man you’re sleeping with is investing both. Child support/alimony/jail time are things that make perfect sense to men, and they want to avoid them at all costs; use these tools to protect yourself against abandonment.

Being an active father in your child’s life doesn’t only do wonders for the child, it does wonders for you as a man! You have an opportunity to be an influence in someone’s life; someone who will value and appreciate your contributions. Some men think having a child will slow them down or “stop their flow”; on the contrary… this child will upgrade you by encouraging you to associate with people and places with higher standards.

Instead of going to a night club, being a father might prompt a man to organize a family gathering. Instead of having a regular guys night out, a father might call up his guy friends who also have kids and make a fun filled day of socializing with old buddies and watching his kid build new friendships. Instead of going grocery shopping and buying snacks and goodies, a father might take his son to the kitchen and teach him how to make frozen ice pops with 100% juice, make homemade cookies from scratch, or how about making “Smore’s” over the stove…

There’s only one key ingredient to being a better father and that’s simply “being a better father”. With all of the fun activities a father can provide for his child, what matters most to your child is that you’re “there”! Take him to a high school basketball game; he won’t know whether it’s the “Saint Anthony Friars” or the “L.A. Lakers” playing. All that matters to him is “My Dad took me to a basketball game”! Take him to a park and challenge him to throw a football, baseball, or a Frisbee to you, tackle him to the ground as he tries to score a touchdown, and then lie there as you describe what the clouds are shaped like. Don’t just throw your kid into summer camp to keep your child busy, figure out ways to form a special bond with your child.

There isn’t enough money in the world that you can wire into an account that could replace the one-on-one experience, interactions, and life lessons a father/son have when you’re present in a child’s life. Your child needs to know that although you and his mother are separated physically, you’re all still connected spiritually. He needs to know that you are grateful to have a son, and you are grateful for the one woman who loves/cares for him unconditionally. He needs to know that you’ll always be positive role model in his life, and you’ll always be there for him.

Yes, love the mother of your child (even if/when you’re not together); this is the first woman your son will fall in love with. Show him how to treat this woman, so he’ll know how to treat all women. A child may or may not have been a part of your diabolical plan, but nevertheless, that child ishereand he’s here to stay, so get used to it. Any animosity between you and the mother of your child should cease and desist for your own personal growth & development, but most importantly for your child’s.

Always be a positive influence in your child’s life; make him proud… but also make yourself proud.

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Q: There’s someone on Facebook that I like; we’ve never met. How do I go about asking her out?

Q: There’s this girl I friended on Facebook. I don’t know her in real life but we are now “FB friends” and just interact via messages and status updates and we do communicate well too. I’m trying to think of how to ask her out without being all wierd about it what would you recommend doing to go about doing that?

A: Women like men who are confident in themselves and in their abilities. The first step you need to take is believing that you are someone worth knowing, having as a friend, dating, and more. When you believe in yourself, others will believe in you. With this in mind, never be afraid to go after something you want, no matter the situation. No one walking this earth is a God, we are all human beings! If you want a loan for money, if you want a promotion at your job, if you want to take a woman out on a date, ask and you shall receive. If your proposal is denied, it’s not the end of the world, you live to be accepted or rejected another day!

If/when you’re rejected, use this experience to help you better formulate a plan to get accepted the next time around. The worst that can happen is you will be told “No, thank you. I’m not interested!”, but there’s also a possibility of being told yes, but that’s only if you put in the request. Women enjoy being pursued by men, but she will not give everyone the privilege of going on a date. What motivates a woman to go on a date with a man is a) her physical attraction to him b) her spiritual connection with him c) her desire to simply be wined and dined by a man who can afford to do so (A.K.A. The convenience) all of which are heavily influenced by her current emotional state.

Friendship is the key to romance, so if see a woman you feel would make a great wife, using the friendship approach is a great way to show her that you value her time, energy, conversation, and presence. Friendship also allows you to get closer to a woman’s heart, her interests, her background, and will open up a doorway to information that will inevitably make her vulnerable to you. With this valuable insight, you can use what you’ve learned to fill any voids you’ve discovered are missing in her life.

Your friendship, just as your money & resources are valuable and should be protected. Not everyone will be deserving of your time, energy, money & resources, so choose wisely. Life & Relationships is like a game of chess; study your target, plan your next move(s), and always keep your mate in check! When you are pursuing someone, you have to study them and feed off of their energy; everything they say and do should influence the next thing(s) you say and do. You should prepare in your mind exactly what you might say or do in the event that your target moves left, right, up, or down, leaving them nowhere to go but right in front of you!

In studying your target, you may come to find that that person isn’t interested in entertaining you at all, and when this happens, you put that person in the “convenience” box. In other words, give a person the same amount of energy they are giving you. If a person is giving you 0%, you give them 0%, the same goes for 100%, 70% 40% 10%, etc! Go where you’re celebrated! You want to give a person you’re all, and you want the same in return! Conversation, dating, and relationships shouldn’t be a struggle between two people, this should be an enjoyable time that’s mutually beneficial for both parties.

When two people are genuinely interested in having a romantic relationship with one another, the signs are evident! This is called “Chemistry”; there’s nothing forced, it’s completely natural. When two positives come together, there’s a positive reaction which leads to more positive interaction. When you speak to a person of interest, their reaction will be that of mutual interest (if there is chemistry). If there is no chemistry, put forth time, energy, and effort into someone you have made a connection with. Commit yourself to those who constantly give you hope; omit yourself from people who constantly give you doubt!

Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies! Continue to live your life, go after the things you want and be fearless in doing so. By setting goals, having ambition, and being determined, you will develop strong interpersonal skills that will help you see past a person’s intimidating persona, and continue to knock, open, and even break down doors to get the things you want in life! You only live once! A man should always be the aggressor and pursue a woman and be confident in doing so. Shy and timid are two traits that a woman does not look for in a man who wants to at some point protect and provide for her. Believe in yourself, be the aggressor, and close the deal!

“If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again!” -Aaliyah

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A “Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with someone, and it can be an even more enjoyable experience if both parties mutually love/respect/care for one another. Your body is a temple; you have one life to live, and no one can protect your body better than you can so be sure to be as safe as possible when engaging in sexual activity with someone. Being abstinent is the best way to protect yourself against STDs and pregnancy, however, if you’re going to be sexually active with someone, it’s a good idea to protect yourself by requiring that the man wear a condom.

Many women won’t like this next part, but the ladies are going to love it…

Contrary to popular belief, there are gender roles in life. Due to the “times changing”, and women gaining more and more independence, many have lost sight of these gender roles and traditions. Condoms are meant to protect sexual partners from HIV/STDS and prevent pregnancy, however, a male should at the very least be responsible enough to provide protection if he so wishes to enter a females body. At one point in time, a woman’s body used to be… a “temple” and sex took place after marriage. In this day and age, females are carrying around condoms “just in case” they happen to have sex on the way to work, at the gym, on vacation, etc.

A “lady” never carries around condoms because a lady knows exactly where she’s getting sex from, when she’s getting sex, and from whom! The condoms are stationary and never move! A woman who is less than a lady isn’t sure who/when/where she’s getting her sex from, so she carries condoms just in case the occasion were to ever arise. A lady makes a man wait until he has proven to be worthy of having her body, so in the mean time, conversation is the only thing a lady carries. By carrying condoms, a woman suggests that she is ready, willing, and able to have sex anytime, any place, and with anyone! This is what I like to call “surprise sex”!

One of the reasons why men slack off is because there will always be a woman somewhere ready, willing, and able to take on “his” responsibilities. A man does not have a vagina, and since this is so, he never purchases or carries female condoms (as much as they would protect them from STDs/pregnancy. A woman doesn’t have a penis, but she makes it her business to purchase, store, and carry something that simply isn’t made for her (not including substitute forms of pleasure). Any man a woman would consider allowing into her body should be capable of purchasing/providing his own protection. If not, he should not be considered as a sexual partner because he’s not showing that he cares enough about his health to protect it! If he doesn’t make it his business to be prepared to protect his own body, one can only imagine the distance he’ll go to protect hers (or the lack thereof).

There is a deeper correlation to consider when looking at a female carrying around condoms. This practice does not apply to every female; only a “certain type” of female carries around condoms. Men love sex, anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone! A lady simply doesn’t have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone. Her body is “exclusive” to one man and with this one man, he treats her like a lady, gives her time to prepare, arranges a suitable/comfortable environment, and romances her before sharing their bodies with one another. There’s communication and planning on both parts, and the man will not risk not being ready for the world!

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Since men love to have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and with anyone, he will certainly appreciate the fact that you have a spare condom, but he will not respect you as a lady, but as a whore! He will enjoy the hour of pleasure, and even thank you afterwards, but he will forever view you as “that girl who carries around condoms”. In the front of his mind, he will suspect that this is who you are, and how you handle yourself in your everyday life with other men. It’s equivalent to a man carrying around a morning after pill… “Hey, you just never know when you’re gonna need these!”

***The only time a man might not be prepared with a condom is when it’s fast/easy/sleezy/surprise sex with whomever is available. When it comes to a lady, “surprise sex” occurs with the man she’s committed to. Surprise sex without a commitment strips a woman of her “lady like” image/title and places her in the category of the “jump off”. Jump offs need condoms because they never know when things are going to “jump on/off”.

Jump off– A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

A man may have concerns with getting a woman pregnant, but chances are you won’t find him carrying around cases of the morning after pill. If he did, that would certainly be a huge reflection of huge character and suggest that this isn’t the first, nor will it be his last experience in having unprotected sex with a woman he doesn’t want to have a child with. A man cannot take morning after pills, so he has no business carrying them. It’s a female’s decision to invest in and consume the pill, so it should be left up to her to retrieve them. As with a male and his condoms.

Communication is key! By communicating with your partner that you would like to have sex on Saturday, 8pm, at 123 Hump Rd, you give the man an opportunity to prepare himself to have a safe, clean, and fun sexual experience with you. He has time to shower, prepare mentally, and also retrieve condoms to protect you both from STDs and pregnancy. With communication, you eliminate any and all ambiguity, and you also give the man the opportunity to prove that he is capable of being responsible.

If a man you’re considering for sex shows up without condoms, then that’s only “one” major issue you need to consider. In the heat of the moment, you will notice that a man will still sleep with you with or without a condom (not knowing his status or yours). Having your condoms ready “just in case” only protects you from STDs and pregnancy for that hour, however it does not solve the issue of your sexual partner not caring enough about himself to protect his one and only body from STDs! If he doesn’t care enough to protect his own body, he certainly won’t take precautions for yours. Instead of making it easy on these men and still accepting them for not coming prepared, they should be rejected for that reason!

Men and women are different in many ways. The average straight male does not do a regular check-up at the doctor’s office. If a man has HIV/AIDs/STDs, it’s highly probable that he’s had it for months or even years. When you use that condom that you’re carrying around in that “better safe than sorry” situation, the sex will bring you closer and closer to that person. Before becoming closer and closer to a person sexually, get closer and closer to their personality, character, morals, values, and principles, and most importantly… get to know their status. These key ingredients will raise your awareness/confidence in knowing/trusting your partners judgment. With trust comes shared responsibilities! When it comes to sex, one thing a man is very capable of being responsible for is carrying a condom, so allow him this one task while you (the female) take on another!

If your goal is to be “cautious”, abstinence will suffice. If you choose to have sex, take extra precautions such as talking to your partner about one another’s sexual activity with others, the level of exclusivity you expect from them, and go get tested together. Communication is key! If you are not interested in having unprotected sex, make having a condom a requirement. If he wants to continue having sex with you, and if he respects you and himself, he will make it a point to have condoms ready each and every time the two of you are ready to have sex. Continue to be a lady, and only associate yourself with a respectable gentlemen. A man will respect you when you show him that you respect yourself!

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Being Emotionally Available

Being Emotionally Available Being in a relationship requires that two people “share” their worlds with one another. They share their mind, body, resources, and more in order to help one another grow as a couple. In order to attract the best person that will fit into your life, you first have to work on being the best person you can be on the inside and outside. When you love yourself, you begin to feel good, and the energy you give off will attract other happy and loving individuals. If you can find love and happiness inside of you, you’ll never go a day without it. Many times in our lives, we search to no end for love in many different aspects of life (i.e. Work, relationships, sex, material things). Instead of searching “outward” for love, search “inward” for love. If you’re looking for love, hold up a mirror!

When you find love and happiness within yourself, you know exactly what it feels like. So much so, that you know when you’re giving it to others, as well as getting it from others, or the lack thereof. When you solely rely on an outward source for love, that love does not belong to you, it belongs to the provider and can be denied and/or stripped at any given time. If that source of love dies, abandons you, or recognizes that you are dependent upon it’s source and decides to abuse their power by depriving you of love, you leave yourself vulnerable to heartbreak and anguish. By loving yourself, your source of love/power lies within you and will never die, leave you, or forsake you! Make loving yourself an everyday regimen for the rest of your life. Wake up in the morning loving the way you feel, look in the mirror loving the way you look, and finally, open up the front door prepared to love the rest of the world!

Loving yourself is an inside job that starts in the home. If loves dwells in the home, you’ll be more careful with who you let in, you’ll cherish it/protect it, and your heart will always have a place to revive itself whenever in need. Your home is your place of peace, your escape from the world, and your comfort zone. The things you place inside should be anything that brings you love, joy, and happiness (i.e. Music, pictures, food, interior design, fragrances, etc). If the world and the people in it treat you cruelly, you’ll always have a place to go as a reminder of what love & happiness feels like. As tempting as it may be to stay home and embellish in all the goodness this love environment has to offer, remember to spread love to others once you find it in yourself. Finding yourself and loving yourself is a journey.

For many, finding love will require redefining what love is as a whole; this is due to severe emotional damage caused by previous distributors of love in the past (i.e. Parents, ex’s, friends, etc). Love is something that you do and feel; once two people feel loved and show love, it becomes evident that they are in love with one another. Love feels good; you’ll know you’re not in love with someone else when it starts to hurt. When whatever you’ve associated with love becomes detrimental to your health, it needs to be removed from your life. When you remove someone or something from your life that hurts, you leave more room for someone or something to come into your life that helps. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Having love for yourself, as well as others instantaneously adds value to your life and the lives of others, therefore establishing your worth.

Finding and loving yourself takes precious time and it cannot be rushed or interrupted by others looking to convince you of what love means to them. Finding yourself means you’re not looking for others. On this journey, you want to figure out what feels, looks, tastes, smells, and sounds good to “you”. Avoid any outside influences; use this time to enjoy being alone and figuring out what’s best for you and your life. Throughout life, you will come across many people who will hurt you intentionally and/or accidentally. People you’ve lived with, shared secrets with, shared the most precious years of your life with will have all had a hand in your heartbreak and disappointment over the years. By removing this pain from your heart, you’re allowing room for pleasure to come in. Pain has a way of remaining in the heart for as long as you give power to its source.

If something is causing you to be unhappy, locate the source, and eliminate the source of power. You can take away any and all power from its source by “forgiving” others for any pain they’ve ever caused you. By clearing your conscience, you no longer have a reason to think about unhappiness or the people who caused you to be unhappy. Love & happiness is a magnet! People are attracted to people who appear to be happy either because it reminds them of themselves or of where they want to be. Friendship is the key to building up romance; romance has the potential to lead to a committed relationship; a committed relationship has the potential to lead to a life long commitment (i.e. Marriage).

In order to establish a true friendship with someone, there has to be love and happiness inside of you that attracts them. If your inner beauty is dimmed, your outer beauty will be the only thing left to shine. Your outer beauty is what will get people to come; your inner beauty is what will get people to stay. Continue to work on being the best person you can be, and you’ll attract the best people. Being emotionally available means that you’re ready to love and be loved by someone else. Always remember that relationships aren’t for everybody; relationships are only for the ready. Repair and restore your heart before making it available to another. If someone you love doesn’t know how to take care of it, learn your lesson and stop giving it to them.

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Give Each Other Space!

There are two rules to love 1) You do it! 2) You don’t! It’s easy to love someone from a distance because there’s no significant time, energy, or effort required to make the relationship work. Anytime you haven’t seen someone in awhile, there’s the “thrill” of being in each other’s presence once again after so long, and there’s a desire to get caught up to date on things. Space and time apart creates romance; the desire to show love and receive love from a person who’s been missing from your life.

One of the keys to making romance in a relationship last is to not become too familiar and get stuck in a routine. While it’s not important that your significant other knows your each and every move, it is important that when granted this freedom and this trust, that you honor it by staying true to yourself and true to your partner. Here are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (According to AskCheyB) Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Incorporate these habits and your partner will have no reason to question or doubt the moves you make.

A great way to keep a relationship fresh all the way to the end is by being consistent with everything you did in the beginning. In the beginning, a man courts a woman, treats her like a lady, spends time a part and schedules time to be together. The time spent apart makes the time spent together that much more special. With work, school, and other responsibilities, it’s a joy to be whisked away from life’s harsh realities by a person who has a genuine interest in being with you.

In addition to a busy schedule and a hectic lifestyle, there’s also the idea that the person you’re dating is also dating other people, so in order to stay relevant, you have to compete for one another’s time, love, and affection. A common mistake that many people make once they’ve “got the girl/guy” is they stop competing. The competition (i.e. admirers) will never stop coming; if you don’t see to it that your partner is happy, someone else will.

If you are not consistent throughout the relationship with the person you were in the beginning of the relationship, space can be your worst adversary. When someone is happy to have you around, they look forward to your return whenever you leave. When someone isn’t happy to have you around, they look for a way to fill that void whenever you’re gone. Love should always dwell inside of you and inside of your home; when love is lost, your partner is bound to go looking to find it. Your significant other should always feel as though you’re a source where he/she can refuel financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Many times we hold onto relationships not because we’re happy to hold on, but because we’re afraid to let go. Once you stop loving you’ll start hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving. Never stop loving yourself, and never stop loving your partner. Work strategically to make sure that your partner enjoys being with you when you’re together, and looks forward to coming back to you when they’re not. Make being together the place to be.

For the period of time you and your partner are separated, the anticipation to come back together is what keeps the excitement going. When you give your significant other something to look forward to, they’ll be focused on what’s up ahead, rather than what’s on the side. Life is a long, slow, ambiguous journey, so if you’re partnered with someone who’s dependent on you, make that journey as enjoyable as possible. It’s a challenge to be able to entertain someone for life, but that’s a part of the contract that comes along with a serious commitment so get creative

Friendship outside of the relationship is important because it gives you both something to do when you would like to spend some time away from each other. Establish trust between your partner and any of your relevant friends by introducing them early on in the relationship. The friends you associate with are a huge reflection of who you are and/or who you aspire to be, so in order to maintain a happy/healthy relationship; only associate closely with those who are positive influences in your life.

Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends. If you’re in a relationship, cherish the glory days of hanging out with all of your other single friends, and live for today by planning for a brighter future with the love of your life. A great way to still stay connected with your single friends is to host a gathering at your home; invite both couples and singles. By inviting your single friends to actually witness your new life “as a couple”; you’re granted the opportunity to show them the value in being committed.

Since we’re all adults, there’s no need for a curfew when you plan to go out, nor is there a need to constantly call to check up on your significant other once it’s been communicated that they’re going out. Keep in mind though, that your other half loves you, is concerned about your well being, and is going to miss you while you’re gone. When you have plans on going places where your significant other isn’t invited, be courteous enough to let them know where you’re going, whom you’re going with, and when they should expect you home. This information will make your part feel secure, and there’s no better feeling than knowing that your home and everyone in it is safe and secure.

One of the most valued benefits of being in a relationship is companionship. It feels good to be able to come home to someone, cuddle in bed with someone, and do fun/exciting activities with someone you love. Relationships are meant to be experienced “together”, not apart, so spending weeks, months, and years away from one another goes against a huge part of what relationship is. You want to give your partner just enough room to breathe, but not enough room to leave. Being separated from your partner creates space and opportunity, and with that comes the desire to go out and do something with whoever can provide temporary satisfaction in your absence.

One of the best ways to stay a couple is to do things as a couple. If you’d like to take a nice vacation, plan in advance and budget accordingly so that you and your partner can enjoy a trip together. If there’s a networking event coming up, let your partner know in advance so that they can mark their calendar and accompany you. If there’s a new movie coming out that you’d love to see, invite your partner and make it a date night. Make  it a habit of doing things “with” your partner; when it’s time for you to do things alone, they won’t feel neglected.

The right amount of space and time a part can create the illusion of being without that person you love, giving you both the opportunity to miss one another. The anticipation of the return is what helps the romance grow stronger. There’s a great chance that your partner will get bored and feel smothered if you’re constantly around one another day in and day out. So much so that they will want to find a source of entertainment outside of the home, and away from you (for a change). To avoid this, have balance between work, school, other responsibilities, couple time, and alone time.

A little bit of reverse psychology never hurt either (i.e. Encourage your significant other to go out and hang out with their friends and have fun). Let them know that you’ll be at home waiting when they return and that you want them to go out and have a good time. At the end of the night you’ll be right back in each others warm embrace. Create space when there is none and you will see and feel the void in the air; you’ll look forward to being in your lovers presence again all due to this brief time apart.

Life and relationships are very much like the game of chess. You have to study your target, strategically plan your every move, and always keep your mate in check.

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Always Put Family First!

Throughout our journeys in life, we will meet many wonderful people in many places; some may stay, and some may go. No matter who comes into our lives and who leaves, what remains true is that the people in our families always remain in our hearts and on our minds. We forget the names of the people we grew up with, the kids we went to school with, the people we used to work with, but it’s important to never exclude, never abandon and never forget about our families.

It’s great to have a spiritual and emotional connection to other human beings, but what’s even more wonderful about having love for others is letting those people know through your actions and your words that you love them. When you have people in your life that mean something to you, be a light to their lives by expressing these thoughts and feelings directly to them. Love starts in the home, so be a distributor of it to everyone and everything in your household, and pray that love will always dwell inside of you all. A family that prays together stays together.

Home is where the heart is! It’s counter-productive to be the best person you can be all by yourself when you’ve got the worst children, the worst siblings, the worst parents, or the worst significant other. Learn to grow “together”; be an inspiration to everyone by constantly giving words of inspiration and encouragement. Everyone should start their day off feeling great, go on about their day feeling uplifted, and look forward to coming home to a place that feels like paradise. If your home feels like a prison or a nightmare, there’s a great chance that the people who live there will want to spend more time everywhere else than at home with family. Make your home feel like an escape from the world’s harsh realities, instead of a place that reminds them of it.

Everywhere you go and everything you do should be a reflection of who you are and what you represent. When you have a family, you represent them as well as yourself, so always present yourself in the way you want to be known and remembered as. Carry yourself with dignity and respect when you’re around your family, and continue to do the same when you’re not. The people you love deserve to have a positive role model who is strong enough and capable of leading a respectable and commendable life, as you would expect the same consideration out of all the members of your family.

If there’s anything we have in this world, it’s “time”. You can never be too busy for the family you’ve created. Your family depends on you so be there for them as often as you can. A husband and a wife need each other, children need their parents, and siblings need one another. Without our families, we’re stuck in this world with random people. Allow the love you have for yourself and the love you have for your family to be the glue that sticks you together for as long as you live.

Being a family requires teamwork. Everyone has a role to play and everyone is responsible for doing his or her part in the relationship. The man of the house protects and provides, the lady of the house nurtures and supports, and the children serve as aids to both parents. A family divided stays weak, but a family together stays strong! Encourage one another to be the best person they can be and to help one another grow stronger in God.

A good husband serves as a guide for the rest of the family; he sets the example for the way a man should care for his wife and children, and well as the man he should be in the public eye. He maintains a legitimate source of income and he brings his entire revenue home to share with his family. A good wife is an accountant in her own right; She takes care of the home, so she knows when the refrigerator is empty, when the children are sick or need new things, when the house needs repairs, etc so she is given the power to delegate where the family’s money is distributed. The children obey their mother and their father, and they take heed to the lessons being given, as these are life lessons that are designed to prepare them for the real world!

The love and fellowship you share within your household will be the motivation for your family to stay happy, healthy, and prosperous. Take a genuine interest in your family member’s hobbies and interests; be the first to show them that you care and that you support their endeavors. Give feedback on how they can improve what may seem to be a good idea, and help them make it into something great! Offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to express their feelings to when you see your loved ones in want/need of attention. When love can be found inside of the home, there’s no need or desire to outsource.

Friendship is the key to romance, and it’s romance that brought you the relationship that you’re currently in. A husband should be a wife’s best male friend, and a wife should be a husband’s best female friend; value this union and let no one come between it. Many will try to break the sanctity of your union, but know that for them, this challenge is merely for sport. They have no real desire to build a life of substance with you. They simply want to see how close they can get to you and to prove that by you giving your time/energy/effort to another man/woman, you can’t possibly be as happy and/or exclusive as you claim to be. Let no one break your family’s bond!

Being single gives us a great deal of independence; a feeling that for a long time we are reluctant to relinquish. And for this reason I say, Relationships and marriages aren’t for everybody; Relationships and marriages are only for the ready! Being in a relationship means that you are willing to “share” your world with someone else. If you’re sharing your world with someone and they’re sharing their world with you… your independence then turns into “interdependence”. If you have nothing to give and/or if you’re not willing to share your world, you are not ready to be in a relationship/marriage.

When you’re single, you and your friends lose all sense of time. When you’re in a relationship or married, timing is of the essence. When you’re independent, there’s no one that you have to consider. When you have a family, there’s everyone in your home to consider. When you’re by yourself, you can afford to miss a meal. When you’re accountable for others you have to make sure everyone gets fed.

The same people you spend your leisure time with while you’re away from your family should be welcome in your home amongst your family. Surround yourself with happy, healthy, and prosperous people, and invite those same individuals to fellowship with the people who are important in your life. The people whom you associate with the most on a personal level have the capacity to influence your behavior and your decisions, so choose wisely. Sometimes starting a new life will require new friends.

If you come to realize that you’re not ready for a relationship and/or marriage, take the noble pursuit by being honest with yourself and your partner about it. Commit to someone if/when you can afford to give a part of yourself to another. Having children with someone binds you for life, however it does not contract the two of you in a life long “romantic” relationship with one another. If your relationship with your partner doesn’t work out, the two of you should continue to treat one another with dignity and respect for the sake of the child and for peace of mind. While separated, take time to focus on yourself, your child, and your future. Keep the family together in spirit.

Being responsible means you have something to lose and that you’re not willing to lose it. Be responsible for your family! If you lose your family, you’ll come to find that they’re the only ones that really wanted you around and loved you unconditionally. There is nothing more important than family! Not work, not sex, not money or things! There is nothing more valuable than your family’s fellowship. Make the people you love and the people you care about number one in your life.

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One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple!

A man who is genuinely interested in being in a relationship with a woman and building a future with her will do everything in his power to maintain peace in the household. If for one second his lady is feeling uncomfortable and is for whatever reason not secure in him, he will stop everything that he’s doing to put her mind at ease. One of the best ways to grow as a couple is to do things as a couple. Granted, it’s important to have space, and have friends outside of the relationship, both parties should make it a point to include one another in their endeavors. Communication is a key aspect of a functioning relationship; it can bring you and your partner closer, and it will eliminate a lot of ambiguity, so definitely keep the communication going.

While it’s not important or relevant for your significant other to tell you “everything”, there are certain pieces of information that should be shared simply because he’s interested in sharing his world with you (the person he loves). With the exception of business meetings, personal leisure, and “Guys Night Out”, he should invite you to accompany him to events and outings. There also has to be a level of trust between the two of you. If there’s no trust, you really should consider re-evaluating your relationship with him. You don’t want to constantly be worried that every time your significant other goes out, he’s up to something. If this is the way your partner is making you feel, talk to your partner, let him know how his actions make you feel. If he’s willing to make the changes, he may be worth remaining loyal to. If he’s not willing to make the changes, cut your losses and end the relationship.

Sidenote: Never trust your partner 100%. 50% of the trust should be in your partner. The other 50% goes into your gut!

One of the best parts about being in a relationship is being “together”, so when you’re a part, you should at least be able to enjoy communicating with one another for comfort. When it’s guys night out though, let him have guys night out. Talk to him when he gets home! And if it’s a guys night out, he should have details, if he’s out for business, he should have details, if it’s a family affair, he should have details about the time, place, occasion, and you should be invited. If he’s making it his business to be “somewhere”, and you’re not invited, and he doesn’t have any details, give him a fair amount of time to get the details. Now don’t go into “insecure” mode, this is the point where you exhibit strength and you measure how considerate your man is of your feelings.

As it comes closer to the time he’s supposed to go wherever he’s going, sit back and observe; see if he’ll be considerate enough to give you details about where he’s going, with whom, and when he’ll be back. If he doesn’t show you this consideration, when he gets home, you don’t show him any consideration. Never consider those who never consider you! Whenever your man is reluctant to offer up information, it’s because he has something to hide. It doesn’t really matter what he’s hiding, what does matter is that he’s hiding it, and he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and expose himself to you (his significant other). That in itself speaks volumes, and his actions show that you’re really not that significant. If you find yourself dealing with a man who keeps secrets that are becoming hurtful to your relationship, don’t hesitate to do what’s best for you, because he is certainly doing what’s best for him.

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“V-Day is here! I need Romance!! All of my male friends only look at me as a friend!”

Straight men look for women to get closer to on a daily basis. If you’re interested in dating, being in a relationship, marriage, having a family or what have you, you have to start from the very beginning. It’s a process! You first have to know your worth, be patient, and then put yourself in places where the type of men you’re interested in can find you. Your worth is how you view/feel about yourself, and it’s a representation of what you’re willing to accept from others in order for them to associate with you and have access to you/your time/your energy/etc.

Be patient! The average male will want to do nothing more than sleep with you with no commitment. Know your worth and bypass these types of men. Entertain the men who show you respect from the very beginning. Keep your options open!!! Date more than one man at once. You’ve got a life, you’ve got work, and then you’ve got leisure. You’ll be busy with life, so the men you come across will have to get in where they fit in.

They will sense that you’re busy and want to take full advantage of the time you have available for them. Once you’ve exchanged numbers… do not pick up that phone and call him. Wait… for him to call you!!! Once he calls you, make the best of the conversation by telling him details about yourself. Tell him about your education, your relationship with God, your relationship with your family, your favorite food/drinks, your likes/dislikes, what kind of sports you like to watch, your favorite movies, your favorite books, etc!

The benefits of doing it this way is… he now has enough information about you to plan a date that would cator to your taste. He does not need to know your favorite restaurant!!! That would insist that that is where you’re suggesting/requiring that he takes you there. Since you’re not paying for the date, allow him the opportunity to research places that work within his budget. This is where the fun comes in! You’ll have guys left and right trying to win you over. Forget about the guys who are used to you and used to seeing you regularly. Entertain the men who know absolutely nothing about you and will be “excited” about taking on this fresh/new challenge.

Be sure not to come off solely as a “cool chick” or a “home girl”. A man wants a woman who’s going to be a “woman”. He’s got enough “homies”. And so do YOU!!! On “date night”… do your hair, do your make-up, dress up as classy/sexy as you can. Avoid anything “slutty” because then he’ll just want to “bed you” right then and there and you’ll never get those lustful thoughts out of his head… EVER!!! No matter how hard you try!

If the date goes well, you (again) “be patient” and wait for him to reach out to you and ask for another date. To avoid being overly anxious, you have to keep yourself busy with work/life and dating multiple men at once!!! You don’t know what’s going on in that one date’s life. He could be in a relationship, he could only want sex, he could not be that into you, or whatever!!! But you don’t want to find yourself being “thirsty” over this one “great” date you had. And you WILL feel as though “most” of your dates went well because you haven’t been on the scene. So (again) I stress… be… PATIENT!!!

Now if you like the guy that you’re dating, show him a little love and let him know you enjoy his company as well. You can’t be cold and not give him any signals at all. You have to remember… he is dating multiple women too! And he can’t afford to spend his time/energy/money on a woman who’s not giving him any feedback on how the date is going or how she feels about him. In order to get a 2nd date from him, he has to feel the connection/feel the vibes/feel the energy and know that you’re into him.

While you’re dating these multiple men, you evaluate them on all of their actions. Is he opening doors for you? Is he making arrangements and paying for the date? Was he on time? Did he call you as opposed to texting? Was he a gentlemen? Some men simply don’t know better. Some men simply don’t do better. Either way, you will have your answers on or before the first date. But it’s up to you to know your worth and not settle for anything less than what a lady deserves.

After dating a guy, talking to him, getting to know him, etc… if you are satisfied with his personality, character, then you can consider him for a promotion. By now, he will want to have more of your time, and he will want to sleep with you. But no sex until there’s a commitment. If you give him sex before the commitment, you run the risk of him no longer wanting to compete for your time/energy. Get the commitment first.

There’s no need to give him an ultimatum! He’ll already be chasing you because he sees that you don’t have enough time to give him due to your busy work schedule, life, and dating other guys. Not to mention, he hasn’t had the pleasure of being intimate with you. So after all the time/energy/effort/money he’s been spending on you, he will want to know where things are going. Or better yet if things “can” go somewhere… because you’re beginning to get “expensive” lol.

A man spending his time/energy/effort/money is a great way to measure his true interest in you. Because this means a lot to a man. So if he’s putting forth this type of effort, you either reward him because you want it to continue, or you leave him alone because you’re not interested. So put yourself out there, get some dates lined up, evaluate each guy you meet, and make a choice which guy you’d like to get closer to. Let me know how things go 😉

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-AskCheyB

No Commitment=No Sex

Although birth and sex are typically a woman’s most valued treasures, a woman’s mind is the most invaluable possession a woman has. Her ability to use her mind to maintain control over men and situations are simply amazing, but only if/when she realizes the gift that she has, and uses it to remain in control. You have more to fear from dealing with a man who wants access to your mind than with your body. A man who wants access to your body is clearly seeking physical pleasure. A man who wants access to your mind is after more! How much more is totally ambiguous.

Even if a man doesn’t value your body for what it’s truly worth, then as a woman “you” should. A man can’t get inside of you unless you let him, so if you’re going to allow a man to come into your personal space and be intimate with you, then it should be with a man you love, trust, and respect and who reciprocates these same things. When you involve yourself with a man who loves you, you trust him, and he respects you, you won’t have to worry about him abandoning you when things don’t go perfectly, because if he loves & respects you, it’s evident that it’s not in his character to do so.

You also won’t have to worry about the sex being bad, because the sex you have “together” will be based on the things you’ve grown to like “with each other”. It’s “exclusive” and incomparable to any other experience. You’ll love the way he kisses you, the way he touches you, the way he makes love to you, and you’ll have an appreciation for the way “he” romances you. And if there’s anything that you don’t like about the sexual experience you’re having together, you can talk to each other about it and challenge one another to make your sexual experience with one another better.

This is the consideration that one has for the person they love, trust, and respect. Love, trust, and respect isn’t developed over night and it’s not handed out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Trust and respect is earned and when it is earned, love is given! And just as trust, and respect is earned, the privilege of having sex with you should be earned as well. If you don’t set any standards or make any requirements for a man to meet prior to having sex with you, a man will sleep with you and totally disregard you and your feelings because whether you realize it or not, he has lost all respect for you. He’s already reached the ultimate form of pleasure with you and has no reason to return unless he wants more sex with no strings.

Life is about building relationships and leaving behind legacies. When you give your body to a man who hasn’t earned that privilege, you leave behind a legacy of being someone whose fast, easy, and doesn’t respect herself. As a woman, you should never want to be remembered by anybody in this world in that light.  You have a future ahead of you and you don’t want your past to come back and haunt you. Always carry yourself with dignity and respect, place value on your body and only give yourself to a man who is deserving of it.

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-AskCheyB

The Type Of Woman A Man Looks For When He’s Ready To Settle Down…

For ages, men have valued women solely based on their physical beauty, ignoring the possibility of exploring anything more. Some of the powers that be include a woman’s ability to seduce a man into doing any and everything she wants. This is partially true; for a man will allow a woman to persuade him into doing only what he is willing to do. The things that are off limits will remain off limits unless he decides she is worth such privileges. It’s easy for a woman to get a man into bed, but what’s challenging is getting a man to commit to a relationship or propose marriage. This is where we cross over into the realm of a man’s values.

It sometimes takes a man years to understand that not everything that glitters is gold. That a beautiful face and a phenomenal does not equate to a warm, loving heart, or a woman of character. For years he will follow his eyes and ignore his heart, struggling endlessly to turn that sexy, seductive, sex slave into a beautiful, sensual, wholesome lady he can be proud to take home to his mother. All the while, he bypasses the beautiful, sensual, wholesome women at the library, at the grocery store, or at church because he doesn’t see the value in being with that type of woman, but this is also because he hasn’t learned to value himself and figure out his own worth.

After a young man gets out of a long-term relationship with his parents, one of the first things he looks to do is find himself and figure out his own way. One of the things that are forbidden in most children’s home is having the opposite sex over for company. So now that he’s left the nest, one of the first things on his mind is to get sex and lots of it! He’s filling a void that’s been missing for the past 18 years of his life, and he’s going to indulge until his heart is content.

Despite the years of teachings delivered by his parents, the last thing on his mind is being a mature, responsible adult. Breaking away from the parents is a man’s time to be a man and explore the world through his own eyes! While he’s in this young, wild, immature, and promiscuous stage of his life, he will look to associate with women who are just like him (i.e. Young, wild, immature, and promiscuous). He’s not interested in finding a woman of substance just yet, because he himself hasn’t become anyone of substance.

At first glance, it may appear to a lady that “H**s be winnin!” because all of the young men flock to the women who are fast and easy, but this is only true if you view giving up free sex, with no commitment, to every Tom, Dick, and Harry” winning! These women are only valued throughout the duration in which they are able to produce the amount of sex and benefits men are after. Outside of the bedroom, h**s are worth less, they’re only worth more to the men who value sex without a commitment. Do not be discouraged; these are the men you want to avoid anyway! Quality over quantity!

These very same women who give up years of their lives sleeping with men without any requirements will come to find that they are merely stepping stones for these men. A man who is on a journey to finding himself will encounter many different jobs, many different fashion trends, and many different women long before finding his true identity. As the years roll by and a man matures, you’ll notice he starts to do away with old fashion trends, he moves on to better paying jobs/careers, seeks out higher paying positions, and associates more closely with quality women. These things were all stepping stones that reflected the person that he was at that particular point in his life, but will no longer be present in his future.

While strippers and porn stars have amazing visual and sexual qualities, they are what men consider to be a fantasy, and he wants to keep his fantasy and his reality totally separate. He’ll come to watch her perform merely for entertainment, he’ll spend a fair amount of money on her, and he’ll even engage in a sexual rendezvous, but after the climax, it’s back to reality. His reality is work, family, friends, and life; he finds pleasure in experiencing a fantasy from time to time, but he doesn’t want this side of him exposed in his regular everyday life. What he expects from a stripper and/or porn star is entertainment, nothing more, nothing less!

To settle down is to have experienced all that there is to experience up until the point of exhaustion, and reaching a level of contentment. With this in mind, it will take a man years of having loads of sex, with an abundance of women, with no strings attached before he is ready to genuinely and sincerely settle down with just one woman. The same applies to his financial stability, it may take a man years of spending frivolously, making costly mistakes, and not valuing a dollar before he finally decides for himself to be more responsible. No matter whether it’s money, fashion, or women, a man has to surpass certain milestones in his life before he’s ready to become a man of substance and have a shift in values.

Before a man even thinks of settling down, he has to be emotionally available; meaning he there is no one in his life, and nothing in his life preventing him from opening his heart to you. Finances (or the lack thereof), are one of the key factors in determining whether a not a man entertains a woman, and it also narrows down which woman a man chooses. If he’s not financially stable, he again will bypass the women of substance and seek out the women of suspense because quality women require more of an investment. It’s not that a man is not interested in quality, but at this point in his life, he’s unable to afford it, so in the mean time, he’ll entertain those woman who will settle for little to nothing.

Again, it may seem as though “H**s be winnin!” but this relationship is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Some men get into a relationship (with a woman with no requirements) as a way to save money on rent, get free sex, meals, and other resources. They know from the start that they don’t want a future with this woman, but the opportunist in them, says, “Hey, it’s better to get free sex, meals, and a roof over my head than to struggle alone.” While that may be his initial plan of action, what happens is he gets caught up, gets comfortable, and ends up staying far longer than he planned. He’s now fallen in love with a “stripper”, hasn’t thoroughly planned an exit strategy, and is now angry with her because he’s fallen in love with a woman he never imagined he would. His plan was strictly business!

If it hasn’t already, that relationship will turn verbally and possibly physically abusive. He’s not only hating you for being who you are, but he’s secretly mad at himself for being who he is and finding himself  in this position. He makes himself feel better about being a man of poor character by channeling all of his anger and negative energy towards you! Had he been focused on his own independence, he would’ve never even considered this type of woman, he instead, would have gotten himself emotionally and financially stable, and he will have then sought out a woman who matches everything that he is. When you seek out a relationship when you’re at your worst, you’ll find yourself matched with an individual who also is at their worst (on one level or another).

It’s easy for a woman to get a man through sex, but she’ll never be able to keep him. Sex only keeps the men who only value sex around; if you’re looking for a man who values more, then you’ll have to present yourself as a woman who offers more. Once a man makes up in his mind who you are and where he wants you to be in his life, that’s exactly where you’ll stay. This could mean you’re his fantasy or his reality.

You want your future husband to be a man who has established who he is, and where he wants to be in life. No matter how long it takes him, or what he had to go through to get there, you want a man the man who finds you to be spiritually, financially, and emotionally secure. A man who is independent, has taken a spiritual journey, and has experienced life will at some have a strong desire for something more! When he reaches this point in his life, he will bypass all of his past conquests because he’s been there and done that, and he’ll look for that woman of substance; the woman he’s been ignoring all his life.

He’s ready to be a man of integrity, a man of honor, a man of substance, and start building upon his legacy. As an independent man, he’s now interested in finding an independent woman whose interested in coming together and gaining interdependence. He realizes now that he can do anything by himself, be he can do more with the help of a quality woman by his side. A woman who only accepts a man when he’s at his best, and won’t settle for anything less. A woman who will take her take, get to know a man, value her body before giving it to him, and set standards/requirements before giving herself to him.

He finds this woman by simply observing how she carries herself, and how she handles other people. This is the same approach he used when finding a whore when he was younger; he would target women who have love self esteem and are desperate for any man to be a part of their lives. Now that he’s grown and matured, he’s looking for substance, not suspense, so this time around; he’ll be looking for a woman not only with his eyes, but with his heart! Now that he’s all grown up, he’s learned to value himself, women, and relationships, and he’s ready for a commitment.

A man will treat you the way you treat yourself, so if you’re a stripper on a pole, he will degrade you in the same way you’re degrading yourself. If you’re a server at a soup kitchen in a shelter, he’ll see you as warm, compassionate, loving, caring, and giving, and he’ll treat you that way. Contrary to popular believe, the key to finding a good man isn’t to go looking for him, but instead take a journey and find you. A woman who exhibits poor character automatically disqualifies herself from being a candidate for a relationship or marriage. If you possess the qualities that men look for in a wife, he will seek you out as soon as he is ready for that level of commitment.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB