“Q: My man’s ex who he has no ties with still keeps in contact! Should I make anything of this?”

“Q: My man’s ex who he has no ties with still keeps in contact! Should I make anything of this?”

A: When breaking up with someone, you have to make sure that you get your ex completely out of your system. There’s normally a downward spiraling effect before the relationship completely comes to an end. One thing couples frequently due is end relationships out of anger and frustration, losing total respect for one another and never wanting to speak to one another again. Then as time goes by and things have calmed down, one or both parties apologizes for their mistakes, immediately release their sexual frustration, but never come to address the issues that caused them to break-up in the first place.

It’s important to have conversations with the people you’re interested in becoming romantically involved with. You need to know when their last relationship ended, why it ended, and if he’s ready to date new people. You can’t move onto the next, until you’re through with your ex. This is no fault of yours, it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you, this is simply indication that he is not ready to open up a new chapter in his life because he hasn’t yet closed the old one with his ex. This is not to say that he’s still romantically interested in her, this is simply to say that he has not completely ended things with her.

It’s impossible to completely cut off a relationship where the heart was involved without due process. Ending the relationship should be done the same way it began… and that’s with a conversation. No matter what went wrong in the relationship, it’s important to show one another dignity and respect during your exit and completely end things in that final conversation, otherwise there will still be thoughts, feelings, and even repressed desires that were never expressed that need to be expressed, and only through one another. When you don’t give your ex the opportunity to express themselves during the exit, you leave them space and opportunity, or you give them a reason to come back into your life.

If she’s still calling, then she is still relevant, no matter how many times he’s asked her to stop calling. If they ended things with a conversation and have agreed to part ways and respect each other’s wishes, then that’s what they would do for one another. If it appears that they are not on good terms and she’s constantly calling your man, then take a closer look at your man. There’s a reason why she is calling, and don’t for one second allow your man to convince you that it’s because she’s “madly in love” with him. He’s either still sexually involved with her, is still in a relationship with her, or perhaps she suffers from having abandonment issues, and he walked out on her without giving her any closure. In any event, take your eyes off of her, and fix your eyes closely on “him”, because the way he’s treating his ex could eventually be you.

After a break-up there should be a healing period, where you reflect on your life, your well-being, and your future. This healing process shouldn’t be interrupted by a new relationship. So if you find yourself meeting a man during his healing process, you will be his “interruption”. Taking him off the path he needs to be on to start loving himself again, and making himself emotionally available to love someone else.  Much better for you to acknowledge his position, step back and be a friend to him, get to know him while he’s in this vulnerable state, and learn as much as you can about him while he builds himself back up from this past relationship.

His issues with his ex are his issues. Remove yourself from his life and let the two of them sort them out. Don’t lower yourself by putting up with this unnecessary drama that has nothing to do with you. There are many other fishes in the sea. Get out there and catch the one that treats you with dignity and respect and doesn’t bring any extra baggage into your life.

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Life & Relationship Coach


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