Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for approximately 4 years, I’ve known him for about 14 years, and we are currently living together. He has yet to propose to me, and I’m not getting any younger. He is in his 20’s, and he has a sister in her 30’s who he cares for deeply because they lost their mother at a very young age. <<< This has made them inseparable and he pretty much takes care of her! I’ve lived with them both for 2 years, she’s nothing but a leach, and my boyfriend has allowed her to sit around, lounge, eat, no job, etc. In the beginning of the year, my boyfriend and I finally moved into our own place, but as of last month, she moved back in with the same crap. I have no peace, no freedom of speech, and anytime I make mention of her and her behavior, it causes an argument between my boyfriend and I. What should I do?
A: A man knows whether or not he is interested in marrying the woman he is with during the first year of being with her. Once he feels this way about you, he will put you through tests simply to be sure that you are worth him fully giving his heart to. It does not take a man 4 years to figure out whether or not his is genuinely interested in marrying a woman. After 4 years together and no marriage plans, he is completely comfortable!!! So comfortable that as long as you don’t say anything, he can/will continue living life being nothing more than a boyfriend to you until “he” gets tired of you. And once he gets tired of you, he will replace you and not feel bad about doing so because the two of you aren’t married and more importantly there’s no love left at this point.
If you continue to wait for this man to propose to you, the type of marriage you’re going to end up with is an, “I only married her to shut her up” type of deal. He won’t be marrying you because it’s in his heart to do so. Believe me when I tell you, if it was in his heart to marry you, you’d be married by now. He is content with living his life, and having someone at home that he can sleep with consistently. If he does want to be married, it’s certainly not with you because you haven’t portrayed yourself to be someone he can grow with. You’re too easy!!!
You may not realize this but… you’re already married, you just never got a ring and a wedding. You’re sexing him, moved in with him, put up with his no good sister, committed to him, etc. <<<< All this and you’ve got no ring, no house, no kids… NOTHING to prove that he is in any way shape or form committed to this journey we call a relationship except for “Will you be my girlfriend? Will you have sex with me unprotected? Will you move in with me? Will you put up with my annoying sister?” <<<< And you’ve settled for this!!!
You both lose with this arrangement. You’re holding each other back!!! He’s not growing with you because you haven’t required that he be a man, take care of home, take care of his woman, and plan a future. And you’re not growing with him because he’s not requiring that you (as a woman) respect yourself, value your time/energy/effort, and know your worth. He’s simply using you as a convenience for as long as you’re willing to allow him.
He’s only in his 20’s and you’ve known him for 14 years, so he’s seen you before, you’ve seen him, yall have interacted before, etc. After 14 years, he’s “used to you” and now he’s bored. He’s seen you too much and he’s heard from you too much. The “spark” is GONE!!! That spark comes in the “beginning” of the relationship. And since the two of you have known each other for such a long time, it’s easy for that relationship to lose it’s luster very very quickly. In other words… he got with you not because he was head over heels for you, but because you were just “something to do”. <<< More than likely that something to do was “sex”. And while having sex with you, he wanted to keep you all to himself, so he committed. And while his intentions were to simply have you as a convenience… he got caught up and now his feelings are involved. So now he has “feelings” for you, but he does not “love” you. There’s a difference. Sex will be the extent in which he is willing to go with you. Marriage is not even an option (in his book) at all!!!
Right now he’s in a situation where he is already in love with a woman. And that woman is his sister… not you! So in this case, “you” come second. You need to find yourself a man who has room in his heart to put you first. You won’t win the battle between you and his sister. He will choose his blood every time.
Here is my advice to you. Stop moving in with men!!!! Moving in with a man is suggestive that you are preparing to share your world, share your life together, and build a future together. And this privilege should not be given to just any and everybody! It should be given to the “worthy” (your husband). There are an abundance of stages you should go through before reaching this point (i.e. Dating, conversation, meeting the parents, engagement). You gave this man too much… too soon… and for too cheap!!!
Don’t waste another day in this relationship. Do not look forward to a future with this man even if he proposes to you with a ring and marriage plans “today”! That ship has sailed.
Sit your boyfriend down and let him know that you are moving out and moving on within the next 30 days. If he asks why, let him know that you are not satisfied with being in a relationship for all these years and no marriage plans, and that you are not comfortable living with his sister, and that you can do better than what he’s offering. Now this isn’t a conversation designed for him to finally take charge and do better. This is an “exit” conversation designed for you to walk away and give him closure. So do not allow him to sweet talk you into coming back. You’ve tried this thing out for 4 years and you have nothing at all to show for it. It’s time to move on!!!
Wish him and his sister the best of luck, and continue living your life. You can move out immediately if you’d like, but still be courteous and cover your portion of the rent. But make sure you move out of that apartment ASAP and get your own ASAP, take a break from relationships for as long as you need to, and begin working on yourself. Focus on saving up money, securing your future, and bettering yourself as a person. And this has nothing to do with you “not getting any younger”. This has everything to do with your current boyfriend not having it in his heart to want to grow with you. So you need not waste your time. The next time around, know what you want from a person from the very beginning, and make it clear to the person you’re getting to know what you require from your next relationship. Otherwise, you may fall into this same cycle yet again. Good luck 😉
Life & Relationship Coach