#ManDayBlog Get Ready To Be A Father
When I was growing up, I’ve always had a love for babies, especially the ones with big, chubby cheeks. They were so full of love, joy and happiness and it seemed like nothing could take that away from them. I enjoyed taking the time to understand certain behavior patterns for example when they needed a change, when they were hungry, or simply when they wanted to play. They were harmless and wanted nothing more than to be loved, kind of like me. At the time, I knew that I loved sharing a moment or two with the adorable babies in my family, but I by no means was ready to be a father.
When I was 12, my niece Atiyana was born and I enjoyed watching her grow. 6 years later my nephew Milton was born and he looked a bit like me. I was 17 and had just moved in with my eldest brother Milton and his family, so I got to spend a lot of time with my baby nephew. I would dress him up, take him places and tell people that he was my son. When I would leave the house to go to school, “Little Milton” would cry his eyes out and then go to the window so that I could see and hear him crying from outside.
I knew that one day I would make a good dad, but I by no means was ready to take that step. I was young, still wet behind the ears and quite frankly was a baby myself. And besides, my focus was on basketball. Ok let’s be honest, my focus was also on women too, but basketball was my main focus. I had to stay focused on my goals because I wanted to play college ball and I didn’t want to pay for it.
After winning the state championship two years in a row (2001-2002) at Saint Anthony high school, I graduated and went back to Texas to be amongst my immediate family members and friends. I attended Texas Wesleyan University, continued to play basketball and met lots of wonderful new people. I was the new kid from New York on campus and I loved the attention. I also met two of my best friends while at college and they were just as popular. We partied, drank, fraternized and needless to say, I was by no means ready to be a father.
For the first time in my life, I was away from my parents, away from my siblings and away from anyone who was emotionally connected to me. I felt so FREE and I didn’t want to give up that freedom anytime soon. New curfew, no limits, no rules! I had my little dorm room, my unlimited meal bucks, and was surrounded by women who were also on a “freedom high” and wanted to enjoy it just like me. The on campus college life was like heaven!
During the holidays, I would go back to New York to visit family and friends, and one year my cousin hosted a Christmas party and invited his friends to join. I arrived, single and ready to mingle, rang the doorbell and when the door opened, there she stood. All I could hear in my head was Biggie Smalls saying “I see some ladies tonight who should be havin’ my baby… Baby!”. I was 21, and she was 26, and I’ve always been into older women because they seemed to be more mature and more established than the women my age. Furthermore, a more seasoned woman would have higher expectations of me and that gave me more motivation to work harder to maintain the relationship with them. Even with that said, and at age 21, I was by no means ready to be in a relationship, let alone a father.
Finally, I was old enough to drink “responsibly” or at least legally, I could get into clubs without a fake I.D. and older women would respect me as an and official adult (so I thought). I felt like I had finally become a man and would enjoy it for a little bit. I was in a relationship during the latter part of my freshmen year of college, but this would be my longest relationship ever. We did the long distance thing, she would come visit me in Texas and I would come visit her in NJ. The distance, plus the time we spent apart made the relationship that much more intriguing.
One day as I’m hanging out with my two best friends, I get a yahoo instant message asking me to accept a file. It was a picture from my then girlfriend showing me a positive pregnancy test. I didn’t know how to feel or how to react at that moment; I was a junior in college, never married, no kids, no felonies, and making a name for myself with my photography business. I responded cheerfully to let her know that I’m happy about the results, but on the inside I was nervous about the results. On moment, I thought to myself, “Alright!!! I’m about to be a father” then the next I thought “WOAH!!! I’m about to be a father?”
My whole life up until now was all about me, Me, ME! Maybe this was exactly what I needed to get me out of selfish mode and start living for a greater purpose. I didn’t have a house, a car, or steady cash flow to raise this child with, but what I came to realize was, being a father isn’t about “presents” it’s about presence. No matter how much you shower your child with money and gifts, what your child will value the most is that you’re there. Your child wants you to be there when you’re rich and when you’re poor, when you’re up and when you’re down. They only care about the opportunity to have a relationship with you.
A positive, long-lasting relationship with anyone will require some discomfort, it will require an investment and it will require great sacrifice. I was in my final year at Texas Wesleyan University and I had just gotten back from summer vacation with my then pregnant girlfriend. I had registered for all of my classes, gotten comfortable in my apartment and then I get “the call”. It was 10 o’clock at night, I had just gotten in from an event and she said, “I can’t wait any longer, this baby is coming. You have to come back now!”.
At that moment, I thought I was going to become another statistic, another black college dropout making babies. I refused to accept that and told her “I’m on the next flight back home”. I had to withdraw from school, and enroll in a local NJ college for a semester, but it was all worth it because I got to spend the first 5 months of my son’s life with him instead of away from him. The next semester I transferred back to Texas Wesleyan University where I graduated along side of my two best friends and my son and his mother were both there to witness it.
There’s already enough pressure being young, black and finishing college, and one of my fears was letting everyone down. When I graduated high school, I had to accept the fact that I had to move on and do something different. I may not have all the necessary funds, knowledge or skills to make it through college, but I could certainly acquire these things as I went along. I looked at fatherhood the same way; I could learn how to excel at my new life simply by taking one step at a time and progressing. Failure simply means that you’ve given up on succeeding, so the only way to not be a good father is if you stop trying.
In life, not everything will go according to planned; sometimes you have to make adjustments based on your circumstances. We are made for this, built to rise to any occasion and not simply survive in it, but also overcome it. When that baby comes, you will be a father whether you accept that title or not, and your child well forever look to you to be their dad. Having a child just might be the push you need to be responsible, to work harder, to love more and care about others. Instead of shying away from this great responsibility, embrace it and watch how much value it adds to your life.
It will give you a greater sense of purpose knowing that you’re not stretching your mind trying to think of your next big idea simply for your own benefit, you’re doing it to create a better life for your family. You’ll take pride in eating healthier and taking better care of your body now because you want to live long enough to watch your child grow up and have kids of their own. Your maturity level will shine through when you’d much rather have movie night at home with the family on Saturday then party until Sunday with your boys. And wait until your child learns to walk, talk and further express their feelings, you’ll be just as in love with them as they are with you. Caring for others and being responsible builds character and will do wonders for your life as a man.
Preparing for fatherhood is about being emotionally available enough to give love and receive it. No child asks to be born into this world, they were all brought here, and it’s your responsibility to raise the children you make. Children need emotional support as well as financial support so be prepared emotionally and financially to provide. Furthermore, your duties as a parent don’t discontinue after a break-up; your duties as a father carry on for life. Even if you and the child’s mother aren’t together anymore, you should always be together in spirit for the sake of the child.
Your health is important and will have a huge impact on the level by which you are able to interact with your child. Your child will be young and full of life and will want you to engage and interact with them physically and emotionally. They will want to ride on your shoulders, have you spin them around, race them for miles, and the play fighting never gets old. Being in great physical shape will not only do wonders for your life, but it will also add tremendous value to the lives of your children.
Use discernment when choosing someone to have a child with because having a child is a life-long commitment. Make your best effort to have children with someone you love and can tolerate. The happier you are about your choice, the better you will treat yourself, the mother and the child. Peace of mind is the most important thing to have, especially in the home; it sets the tone by which you interact with others outside of the home. Be the best man you can be and you’ll attract the best woman, have the best relationship, and raise the best child. Be prepared!
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit http://www.askcheyb.com
LIKE us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow me: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog Spend Quality Time With Your Children
Being a father has got to be the most rewarding thing a man could ever experience. I was 24 when my son Ethan was born and I had one year left of college. I was attending Texas Wesleyan University in Fort Worth, TX for my final semester while my son and his mother lived in New Jersey. Back then, yahoo messenger was very popular and we both had webcams so that we could see each other. He was only a few months old and didn’t do much, but at the same time, everything he did fascinated me.
This was a new experience for me and I was enjoying it. I probably drove his mother crazy because I wanted to witness EVERYTHING! I remember the first time he was able to sit up in his high chair and eat baby food, his mom used her phone to record a video of it and send it to me. It was so funny to me because as she fed him, it was as if his mouth never closed, he was always looking for his next bite. I couldn’t wait to see him again, hold him, hug him, kiss him and just spend quality time with him.
Her family and friends were a huge blessing; they came through with so many baby items and diapers for our son to last us at least a year. Lord knows we needed it; she was on maternity leave and I was just a student not knowing what my next move was. I was a little afraid, but I’ve never been a coward or one to run away from my responsibilities. Like everything else, I was going to figure this thing out and make it work. One thing I was certain about was that I was excited about being a Dad.
I would brag to my best friends about all the things I would teach my son, what he would be when he grew up, and how he would look just like me and they would laugh. I was a proud dad if you had ever seen one. I couldn’t wait until he was old enough to talk so that we could politic together. I couldn’t wait for him to be able to walk and run so that we could race together. I looked forward to teaching him how to ride a bike because that’s the type of thing a father does with his son.
For the moment, I was enjoying simply watching him grow up. I was in love with this kid; he had the biggest and brightest eyes, just like I did when I was a baby. He had the fattest cheeks in the world and I couldn’t stop kissing and squeezing them. Once he learned how to crawl, I knew how to get him to come to me; all I had to do was show him food. Oh yes, he loved to snack, just like his father, and enjoyed every bit of his company.
The first few months of a newborn’s life, doctors warn not to allow the child to sleep in the same bed with the parents. It’s been said to be dangerous, as the parent could roll over on the child and smother him/her. That warning should’ve been given to the babies too. When he finally was big enough to sleep outside of his crib, he would somehow find his way to my face, and fall asleep right on my face. I would wake up and can’t see a thing, nostrils covered up, and by the grace of God he left me room to breathe out of my mouth.
Initially, I would wake up alarmed, but over time I had gotten used to it and would just wake up with a smile. I knew it was my son simply trying to get closer to his dad. It was a very warm feeling to wake up to someone who loves you that much and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. As I start to wake up and move, he would do the same, and the next thing you know, we’re smiling and playing with one another. Then the next phase was finding something to eat; typical “men” I know. Lol
I pity those men who walk out on their children, because they are truly missing out their blessing. It may be scary to take on such a huge responsibility, but such is life. It’s not easy for the mother of your child to raise a son/daughter, and it will be that much more difficult without you. Not only does it impact their lives financially, but also emotionally and psychologically. These few memories that I’ve shared about my relationship with my son are priceless. These are precious times that I can share, and so can my son.
Unfortunately for many children and many fathers, they don’t have positive, uplifting memories to reflect on because they didn’t create any. It doesn’t take a lot for you to build a relationship with your child and build a legacy, but it does require you to be there. Being there means that you are actively involved, attentive and aware of what’s going on with your child. Not only that, but also you are participating in the activities with your child.
Throughout the week, my son is at school for most of the day, and I am at work, so when the weekends come, I make it happen to not do any work and focus on spending quality time with my son. The work that I do can be very demanding and my son can also be very demanding. When I’m working, I want to give my clients my full and undivided attention, and when I’m writing I need to be focused. When I’m with my son, I need to make sure that he’s safe, fed and entertained. It’s kind of hard to talk on the phone with a client and make sure that my son is playing “rock, paper, scissors” with integrity.
To make sure that my son gets my full and undivided attention, I simply give it to him. No phone calls about work on the weekend, no emails, texts, nothing! We’re too busy at church, at the park, bike riding, at home wrestling and having a good time with one another. He’s had a long and tiring week at school, I’ve had a long and tiring week at work, so now it’s time for us boys to just chill. When we go to the park, I encourage him to play with the other kids, because he’s not going to wear me out. Lol But when he wants me to get involved, I gladly oblige.
Sometimes when I go to the park with my son, I see other parents constantly texting, constantly on the phone and not at all engaged with their child. All the while, the child is begging for their attention, “Look at me Daddy” as he replies “I’m looking” while still texting. I think to myself “Poor kid”. Our kids look up to us, so you can look forward to them constantly trying to win your approval. They may ask you a thousand times to look at them as they prepare to do the most ordinary cartwheel in the world, but it’s not about the cartwheel, it’s about your attention. They want you to pay attention to them and spend quality time with them.
If a child can know the difference between spending quality time and just being around each other, you should too. You’ve been a child before, and you know firsthand what it was like to feel neglected, we all have. You’ve lived longer, so you should have more resources to provide a variety of ways to engage as a family. You don’t have to wait on the mother of the child to brainstorm ideas, sometimes it’s good to simply connect one on one with your child. This gives you the opportunity to show your creativity and value as a father.
It’s easy to join a gym and stick your kid in child watch for 2-3 hours, but don’t forget to make time to spend together. Sending them off to summer camp is great; it builds character and helps them become more sociable, but also figure out ways to create summer adventures together. There’s nothing to sending your child to spend the weekend over a friends house, but try hosting a sleepover of your own for your kid. The idea is to figure out ways to actually engage with your child as opposed to simply keeping them busy. Every child wants to have a hands on parents who is present and also active in their activities.
After a certain age, your child simply will stop asking you to be a part of their lives and inwardly they’ll wish you would just be there. That’s what a father does, he is there for his child because it’s his child. He marks his calendar when his child tells him about a performance coming up at school. He cheers him/her on as they do their best on and off the court, field or stage. He encourages his child to partake in extracurricular activities and practices with him/her at home.
It doesn’t take much to receive credit for being a father, but you have to play a significant role in a child’s life to be considered a dad. Your child may not remember every toy you bought them, but they will remember all the time you spent with them. They will carry these family values with them when they have their first child, and hopefully it will trickle down to their grandchildren. By spending quality time with your child, you build their character; boost their esteem and their confidence. Spend quality time with your child; they need you now more than ever.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog “A Woman Will Respect You More When You Respect Yourself!”
If you don’t respect yourself, you’ll take away other people’s motivation to respect you too. No matter what societies standards are, you must create a standard of your own that best represents you. After all, it’s your name and your legacy that’s on the line and not societies. When people say your name, you want a certain image to be ingrained in their minds that present you only in a positive light. Your name and your reputation is everything, so you must protect it and preserve it at all cost.
My name Cheyenne Bostock means whatever I stand for and whatever I represent. Anytime my name is placed in headlines, it serves as a way to inform others of my association with that particular organization. For this reason, I must be conscious of the way I carry myself and treat others, for bad news spreads far faster than good. It’s important to have a good standing relationship with the people in your community, church, schools and the media because these are the people who will echo your name for whatever reasons suit them. Word of mouth is the most powerful form of marketing so let your actions influence the things they say. These echoes will reach people who may know you and/or have never met you.
Making a good name for yourself isn’t solely about appearances, it’s primarily about integrity and good character. Do the right thing, so people can always use that against you. There will come a time in every person’s life where we won’t have the opportunity to speak for ourselves, and you will want your actions to have done all the talking for you. The proof will always be in your actions, and there isn’t enough deception in the world to cover up your lack of kindness and servitude here on earth.
When I first started coaching other people’s relationships, I had to make a judgment call. I could either use my relationship insight and years of studying behavioral patterns to create a cult of manipulators, or I could use it to create an army of influencers. I knew that spewing out manipulative relationship advice would be seen as valuable to the manipulators, but it would hold no value to those who were looking to learn and grow. Consequently, my credibility as a relationship expert would be null and void if I merely focused on how a man could win over a woman or vice versa. A relationship is about creating a win/win situation for both parties involved, also known as compromise.
I had to choose long-term victory over short-term, which has not only improved my career as a life & Relationship Expert, but also as a man. You will be faced with this same dilemma many times over, and will have to choose right from wrong. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, but what’s important is that you learn from them. Learning from your mistakes will show that you have grown as a man, and people will respect you more for it. In fact, if you haven’t made mistakes in your life, you’re either in denial, or not normal.
Back when I was a kid in school, I would make plenty of mistakes and still do today. In fact, I don’t even know if you could even call them mistakes; I was simply young, dumb and was making poor decisions. The most important observation that I could make was that I had not yet learned my lesson. This was a problem for me because since I hadn’t learned my lesson, I was apt to make the same mistakes again. This could land me in big trouble if the punishment were too severe the next time around.
When you’re in school and other social clubs, one thing all men experience is a close association with other men, and we hope that in time we will gain a closer association with other women. You’ll hear stories about how many women they’ve slept with, who they’ve slept with, when and where, and you’ll feel pressured into believing that this is what it means to be a man. On the contrary, degrading and disgracing women is not what it means to be a man; this type of behavior shows that he has not yet grown into a man. He doesn’t respect women as the gift from God that they are, which also reveals that he doesn’t respect himself. When a man respects himself, he carries himself with honor, dignity and respect and closely associates with others who do the same.
It’s true that you are the company that you keep. Show me your best friend and I will show you the type of man you are. Even if you’re not guilty, you’ll be guilty by association. Choosing the company you keep is a reflection of whom you are inside, as it is you who is making the conscious decision to associate. Once you are old enough to make decisions, you will be held accountable, and people will respect your either more or less based on your affiliation with others.
Everything decision you make today effects tomorrow. Most people want their past to be erased because they’re ashamed of it and don’t want it to come up in the future. Your past is and always will be relevant to your future, which is why it’s so important to respect yourself and others today. Consider what your actions would do to your name, or what it would mean for your son or daughter to have to also bear your name in years to come. Consider your parents and their legacy and how it would shame them to be associated with anything disgraceful. Most figure they don’t have to be responsible and accountable until they turn 18.
When you’re 18, no one excuses your behavior like they normally would a child, and you conveniently want others to respect you as an adult. You want the right to vote, pump gas and buy cigarettes, but don’t want to be charged as an adult in a crime. You want to be able to come and go as you please in your parents’ house, but you don’t want to pay rent. You want to have unprotected sex, but have no means of provided for an unexpected child. In actuality, you will find yourself demanding respect because you haven’t grown enough us a man to command it.
Through actions, you can prove that you deserve respect and you can start by respecting yourself. You can show your respect for self by treating yourself with dignity and respect and valuing people, time, money and resources. You can show your respect for people by acknowledging their skills, being supportive and sharing your time and resources. You can show your respect for time by keeping a schedule, being on time and requiring that others do the same. You can show your respect for money by being financially responsible, budgeting your money and being charitable to others.
Treat everyone with dignity and respect not because of who they are, but because of who you are. Your respect for others isn’t always about what you say; it’s also about what you do. Ultimately it boils down to how much respect you have for yourself as an individual. The way you walk, talk, dress and carry yourself will influence the type of people you attract. When I was in high school, I was on the Varsity basketball team under coach Bob Hurley and I had heard that we weren’t allowed to have braids, tattoos or girlfriends.
At the time, I was growing my hair out, and I actually had just taken out my twists before transferring to the school. I was the fairly new kid, and one day, after a frustrating practice, coach finished a statement by saying “Oh yea, and Cheyenne, cut your hair”. The whole team looked at me and holding in their laughter because they knew how much I wanted to grow my hair. I knew that if I came back to practice without a haircut, he would take it as I didn’t respect him, and if I showed up at a game without a haircut, I for sure would not play. The girls liked the Kobe Bryant look I had going on and I was torn.
Needless to say, I cut my hair, returned to school and practice and showed my coach that I did respect him and wanted his mutual respect. It’s important to have a respectful relationship amongst people who are in positions of authority, especially if it in some way can help or harm your future. You’ll increase your chances of gaining their respect if you carry yourself as someone who commands it. Yielding to authority is a sign of humility and grace, and will make people who are in authority feel superior even if they aren’t. That’s the thing about respect, it’s not an admission of an individual’s power or the lack thereof, it’s simply an acknowledgment of their position.
As it pertains to self-respect, you must realize that what you’re working towards is positioning yourself for future acknowledgment. When people see your face and hear your name, you want to be acknowledged for the work you’ve been doing. That brings forth the question of whether or not you are in fact worthy of being acknowledged. What have you been doing with your life? Do you spend your time serving yourself or serving others? Do you focusing on hurting people or helping people? You don’t have to answer; the proof will be evident in everything around you.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit http://www.askcheyb.com
LIKE us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/AskCheyB/262499613796140
Follow @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Coach
-AskCheyB
#ManDayBlog Discipline Your Child
One thing that I love about children is their innocence and their carefree attitude in the world. They run, they play, they eat and they sleep without worrying about the serious matters in life, as they should. If we as parents left it up to our children, they would opt to eat snacks for breakfast, lunch and dinner, stay up all night watching television, or spending lavishly on toys, video games, or whatever pleasantries that come into their creative little minds. What’s worse is they will carry on this same careless behavior at school, work and into their future relationships. As parents, however it is our jobs to prepare them for the reality of the world that they soon will be stepping into.
Teaching your child discipline will not only make your life as a parent easier, but it will have a greater impact on your child’s future and their relationship with the world. A child’s mind is full of ideas and creativity, all they need is someone to help them focus their energy in a particular area so that they’ll soon learn to master their craft. When I was growing up I loved all sports and excelled at every sport I tried. The only problem was my parents never fully paid attention to my talent and never helped me hone in on my skills. My skills grew simply from playing in the courtyard or at the park with the neighborhood kids by my own initiative.
What I needed was some 1-on-1 coaching or a team to be a part of so that I could further enhance my skills. I needed a schedule that would hold me accountable for making it on time to practices, games, etc. I needed a crowd to showcase my skills in front of and entertain on a high octane level. I needed a uniform that symbolized how serious I was about my craft and how dedicated I was towards my discipline. Now, I know my parents weren’t very interested in sports, but it would’ve been great to have been pushed in a direction where I could be led my someone who was.
My mother was a very strong woman, and to this day I don’t know how she managed to raise 5 boys and 1 girl. We were well mannered, respectful towards adults and we stayed in a child’s place because that’s what we were taught to do. We knew that if we did something outside of our home that we never would dare to do at our own home that their would be consequences. We knew better and we had no excuse to act outside of our character and embarrass our family. We were disciplined early on so that we would know how to carry ourselves later on in life.
When you’re a child, you don’t always appreciate the endless commands and demands of a parent, but as you put them into practice in your adult life, it’s our parents that we have to thank. I remember starting back when I was only 5 years old, my mom would have me and my brothers doing literally everything. It made sense though, why should she do all of the work when she had all of these strong/healthy boys she could delegate the tasks to. She was training us to be better men, better brothers, and soon suitable husbands and fathers. and she didn’t take it easy on us at all when it came to our chores.
My mom would have us sorting laundry, washing/drying clothes, sweeping, mopping, washing dishes, cleaning out the refrigerator, cleaning the oven, cook and so many other tedious tasks. I thank my mother for giving us this work to do because as an adult, I can do all of those things with ease, and I don’t look to a woman to do it for me. She never told us why she was making us do all of this work, but she knew what it would do for our character. If that’s not wisdom, I don’t know what is. She was aware of the impact it would later have on our lives as men, and she took the time to pay it forward.
We hated doing all of these chores, but they were extremely necessary. No matter how much we wined, cried, or complained, my mother followed through with her commands and saw to it that we got the job done. That’s the kind of discipline a child needs; a child doesn’t need you to be their best friend. A child needs you to be their best parent. They look up to you for protection, guidance, discipline and love and as their parent, you should not want to disappoint.
No matter how old your child gets, you will always be his/her father. Don’t ever think that because you wear the same sized clothes, are old enough to partake in the same activities, and share common interest that you are equals. There needs to be a certain level of respect and reverence between you and your child to forever ingrain in their minds that you are the father, and they are the child. A classic example of a lack of reverence is the popular animation The Simpsons, Bart refers to his father by his first name Homer. The lack of respect is reciprocal as we constantly see Homer strangling Bart anytime he feels offended by his son.
There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with your child as adults, just so long as they still know their place. Their place is to remember who you are to them and who they are to you, and to never do anything to jeopardize the sanctity of that relationship. Many parents miss the opportunity to establish their position as an authoritative figure because they wait too long. A baby is learning the ways of the world long before they even come out of the womb. Once they enter into the world, their senses only grow stronger. Too often do parents allow their children to get stuck in their ways before they lay down rules and regulations.
The sky is the limit in life, but if your child knows no boundaries, they will never reach your fullest potential. A parents’ job is to make their child aware of the consequences associated with not following the rules. Being careless in the home could land them on punishment, but being careless in the real world could land them in far worse trouble. Society relies on our parenting skills to raise our children and prepare them to abide by the law. School is merely a secondary teaching source that is offered to those who wish to advance themselves.
Without discipline at home, a child literally won’t know how to act, and when they don’t know how to act they won’t be able to adjust to different environments. This can cause esteem and confidence issues which can effect their performance at school, work and certainly in life. One of the things that happens when a child doesn’t feel good about themselves is they search for ways to prove their worth. Sometimes this can result in a positive and extraordinary display of gifts & talents, and sometimes can result in a waste of gifts and talents. Every child wants to do well in life, but they need your help.
As a man, your role is extremely significant because you’re in the leadership position and most children aspire to be just like their father. That puts you in a powerful position because most of your teachings will come through actions rather than words. Your child wants to study your every move and get set in a routine that they can follow. When they talk about their father, they don’t want to have to make up a bogus story, no they want to be able to say “My father was a family man, worked hard everyday, provided for his family, and made time for the people he loved”. When a child sees that your disciplined, they will model after you.
When you have that conversation about the importance of education, it will hold more weight when you have gotten your education. When you give your child advice on relationships, it will hold more weight when you have proven to have had success in your relationship. When you give your child advice on money management, it will have more credibility when you have managed your accounts properly and have the means to show for it. When you instruct your child that reading is fundamental, it will help if you can be seen engaging in new reading material on a regular basis. Pulling the “I’m your father, do what I say” card is easy; lets put that card away and start using “Follow the leader”.
The goal is to make your child better than you could ever be. A great start would be to aspire to be more than the man you currently are so that your child will constantly aim higher and work harder to achieve their goals. My 6 year old son Ethan melts my heart when he speaks to other people about me; he’s so innocent, so honest and transparent, and that could make or break a parent. I’m sure you can recall a time in your life when your mom or dad said “Don’t go telling our family business”. Instead, I try and teach my son the power of words, how to use them and how to deliver a message in as few words as possible.
I don’t expect my son to be anything like me, no I expect my son to be far better. I didn’t have a father who taught me things, pushed me to the limit, and provided me with the resources I needed to excel. I didn’t have a father who I had had to answer to when I got myself into trouble at school. I didn’t have a father to check my homework, help improve my reading or public speaking abilities. I didn’t have a father who hoped for the best for me and exhausted every resource in his power to help me reach the next level. But Ethan has that and he has a father who won’t allow him to make any excuses for being anything but great!
Your child will get tired of you giving them instructions, tired of you pushing them in different directions, and tired of you making executive decisions, but you know better. They will get tired of reading, tired of writing, tired of speaking, tired of dancing, and tiring of performing, but you know better. They will get tired of being denied access to their friends, tired of not being allowed to play video games, and tired of being denied junk food, but you know better. They will get tired of you dragging them to church, tired of you not allowing them to party, and tired of you and your network of industry professionals, but you know better.
For many, it takes years to truly appreciate everything a parent has done for their child, but the day will come. After training up a child, you have to learn to let go and let them find their own way. Trust that all of the morals, values and principles that you’ve instilled in them since birth with forever be in their hearts, minds and spirits. Everything they do will be a reflection of you and everything you stand for. Use your position as a parent to discipline your child and build up strong men and women who will too inspire growth and change in the world.
The proof of your success as a parent will come when your child has become a fully functioning member of society. After seeing your son/daughter in action, you can stand proud knowing that your efforts did not go to waste. They will practice firm leadership and treat everyone with love, dignity and respect as their father has done with them. They will manage money properly, be charitable and spend wisely as their father once did in their household. They will show extreme discipline and focus in their fields of expertise and excel just as their father did in school, work and in life. Disciplining your child starts with you.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog Be a Good Step Dad
My father Milton C. Bostock Sr. passed away when I was only 1 year old. My mother Susan R. Bostock was left widowed with 5 young children to raise. I’m sure the last thing my mother imagined was getting married to a man she loved, bearing 5 children by him and then being left to raise them all on her own. Not only did her children lose their father, but also for my mother, she lost her husband and best friend. My father lost a battle to pneumonia, and his dying wishes was for his friend Vermie D. Smith to marry my mother and be a father to his children.
Vermie honored my father’s wishes and married my mother, and was a father to his children until his passing in 2011. My older siblings had recollection of my biological father, but for me, a 1-year-old child, Vermie was the only father I knew. I respected him for honoring my father’s dying wishes by marrying my mother and vowing to act as a father figure to my siblings and me. Him and I weren’t very close, but we were much closer to one another than any of my other siblings, with the exception of my younger brother Joshua, who was his biological son. It was challenging growing up because we weren’t all treated fairly; we were often treated like stepchildren.
My stepfather was a hard worker, he loved to work, was never lazy, and he always provided for us. I had the no issue with the things he did, I took issue with the things that he didn’t do. I never got to play fight with him, ride on his shoulders or have him spin me around. He rarely disciplined me when I did something wrong and needed the authoritative voice of a man to keep me in line. He never celebrated me for any of my academic achievements at school.
What I wanted from him the most was to have a closer relationship. I wanted to engage in conversation and activities, I wanted to see him at my recitals and basketball games, I wanted his advice on talking to girls, how to find a job, how to enroll in college, etc. I wanted him to be a Dad, but unfortunately, that day never came. I had hoped to be led into greatness by him, but over time I think he forgot that I didn’t view him as merely a stepfather. For me, he was my father.
I applaud him for even considering the thought of taking on a woman with 5 kids, for many men would’ve scoffed at the thought. It’s a huge responsibility and to accept it means to be patient, loving, kind, understanding and supportive of this new family. It’s one thing to join a club, but it’s another thing to take on an active role within the club and be a fully functioning member. A husband and a father is the head of the household, he holds the command and is expected to lead. Being a leader, no matter what scenario you’re in requires passion, creativity, and discernment.
Life happens, and when it does, we have to strap up our boots, roll up our sleeves and get to work on building a better one. Sure, we would all like to start our own families and not take on anyone else’s, but that’s not always an option for everyone. Every day families lose brothers, sons, husbands and fathers to different battles. Whenever there is a void in someone’s life, that may be your opportunity to come in and in fill it. You just might be the second chance that a woman needs at a husband, or the second chance that a young boy/girl needs at a father.
It doesn’t take the death of a father or the absence of a father in order for you to be effective. Sometimes a child can be under the same roof as their biological father but never get the love and care that a father should give his child. All it takes is something liquid to be a father, but it takes something solid to be a Dad. Being a Dad is about paying special attention to child, caring for the child, and being actively involved in your child’s life. When you come into a child’s life as a stepparent, they expect you to be several steps above their actual parent.
When I say several steps, I don’t mean that you have to spoil the child or anything, but rather pay close attention to the biological father’s shortcomings. Your job is to be a better man, a better husband and a better father, otherwise you’ll be viewed as no different from the father they already have/had. This is where getting to know the mother comes into play; the more you know about her and her relationship with the biological father, the better you’ll know what role you need to play. This is a case where you have to do considerable research not only on the woman you’re with, but also the history behind her relationship with the child’s father.
You have to think long term when it comes to a woman with children. If your goal is to make it last forever, you need to understand that her children will be a significant part of her life forever. It will give you peace of mind knowing that there is a mutual love and respect amongst you, your lady and the child. It is worth it to take your time and do the necessary research to try and figure it exactly how you can be an effective new addition to the family. Once you’ve figured out your read, start playing it and have faith that they will follow your lead.
It’s only when you don’t have a plan that things will begin to fall apart. If your goal is merely to date and sleep with the mother, you’ll ruin your relationship with the child. If your goal is merely to have a relationship with the child, then that should be discussed with the mother and carried out based on agreed upon terms. Overall, you want to create a balance that works for everyone. Giving the mother and the child equal opportunity to benefit from having a relationship with you and vice versa.
Winning a child over simply takes time and research, but lucky for you, you have direct association with someone who knows more about him/her than anyone else, the mother. In addition, you will have considerable favor with a child simply by treating the mother with love, dignity and respect. Win over the mother and you are one step closer to winning over the child. Children are very smart, they know what true love is, and they can sense when love isn’t present. So if you’re not genuine and sincere in your approach with the mother or with them, that window of opportunity will swiftly close.
Your goal as a stepfather isn’t about what you gain; it’s about what you give. What you want from this relationship is to become a valuable source of knowledge and wisdom that he/she will always seek from you. You could teach him/her how to manage money and be financially responsible, or how to study for an exam, or how to build positive relationships with other people. The fact that you’re taking the time to be a part of the child’s life will be enough to win their respect, finding the angle is the only challenge. They want to have a closer relationship, they want to be understood, and they want someone to care.
No matter how hard the mother tries, she will never be able to deliver a message in a way that a man would. Most often, a child looks at their mom as a nag because she cares so much. In fact she cares so much that it’s overwhelming, smothering and lets be honest it’s annoying. The balance that’s needed here is a gentle, logical and rational approach set forth by a man they love, respect and are willing to listen to. Sometimes a child simply needs a change of scenery, and with a mother always in the picture, sometimes those “heart to hearts” can get quite boring.
So be a man, step in, step up and take charge. Let the child know that you love them, support them and will always be there for them. Don’t miss the opportunity to extend your arms and give them a hug, or listen to their problems, or help them find solutions. As a stepfather, that’s exactly what you are called to do. If you weren’t needed, you wouldn’t have been chosen for the position.
No matter the child’s relationship with his/her biological father, your role in the household is still significant. If the child doesn’t respect you, they won’t respect the relationship you have with the mother. Command respect from the beginning so you won’t have to demand respect in the end. A relationship between a father and son, no matter the science behind it should be healthy and filled with love. They may or may not call you Dad, but because of the significant role you plat in their lives right now, rest assured it will be you that they call on in the future.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog You Are Your Brother’s Keeper!
I’m the second youngest of 5 boys and 1 girl born to my mother, and I’m thankful to have had so many male influences in my life growing up. No matter what, I always had someone to talk to, engage with and get valuable insight from. Whenever my brothers wanted to go somewhere, my mother would tell them “take your brother Cheyenne with you”. Maybe she wanted the house completely vacant so that she could spend time alone with her husband (my step-father) but I’d like to think she primarily wanted my brothers and I to spend more quality time together. J
My two brothers Travis and Shane hated taking me with them because they were one year and 3 years older than I was and they wanted to do what older kids did. I on the other hand simply wanted to spend quality time with my brothers. They were good looking, talented, ambitious and all the girls in the neighborhood wanted to know them. No matter where we lived (New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, or Texas) popularity followed them. My oldest brother Milton seemed like the King of Brooklyn, everyone knew who he was (it seemed) and it felt good knowing that people acknowledged and respected him.
Me, I was the smart, funny, athletic, proper speaking cute kid that everyone referred to as “the little brother”. Always associated with my brothers’ reputation in the neighborhood. During the early stages of my childhood, I would create my own circle of friends, but still found joy in being invited to hang out with my older brothers and their friends. It made me feel as though my brothers were proud to be my brothers, proud to have me around, and proud to introduce me to their network of friends. I would stay as silent as possible to prove that I was able to handle being in such a privileged position and to ensure that I would be invited again.
My mother had her reasons for having me tag along with my older siblings. She wanted to know where they were going, what they were doing and whom they were doing it with. She counted on me for this sort of information, and I was always sure to deliver. That might explain why my older siblings didn’t want me around. Lol. I respected my brothers and I admired them a lot, and I cared enough about them to let an adult (my mom) know anytime I felt they were doing things that would stir up trouble for themselves and for us as a family.
My brothers were my protection; I wasn’t big enough, strong enough or tough enough to stand my own ground at the time. Meanwhile, no one in the neighborhood would dare cross my older brothers. Anytime I had a problem with someone, I would simply name drop one of my brothers and if that didn’t work, I would run and tell my older brothers that there was a problem and they would see to it that it was fixed. My brothers taught me how to defend myself, how to stand up for myself, and how to let know one take away my dignity.
If you can imagine growing up in a house full of boys, you already know there were many physical altercations. Someone is always trying to gain control over something (i.e. Food, a spot on the couch, the remote, etc). If there wasn’t a woman around to mediate, then there would more than likely be a yelling match, followed swiftly by a wrestling and/or boxing match. I was no match for any of my older brothers, but I didn’t back down, and then on top of that I’d be the first to tell mom that I was being picked on when she got home. Since I was normally the honest one of the bunch, my word had more credibility than theirs and my mom would come to my rescue.
Negotiating, debating and fighting with my brothers hurt me at the time, but it helped build my character. Facing my brothers, men who I admire and respect was one of the most difficult things in the world to do. Now that it’s behind me, I can confidently defend myself against any adversary. When we fought against each other, we did so because we didn’t know how to talk to one another as brothers. We looked at one another as competition as opposed to teammates.
My older brother Shane and Travis, who were closer in age fought all the time, and yet they hung out all the time as well. It was clear that they loved each other; they just didn’t know how to show it. As we grow and mature, we learn more about ourselves, which opens up the door for love and understanding. People who are not open to listening and learning more about other people’s feelings often spend countless hours trying to get people to understand theirs. In a brotherhood, respect for one another’s thoughts and feelings are essential to the success of that relationship.
My oldest brother Milton moved out of the house before I could even remember, which made his visits so much more exciting! Sometimes my mom would give us a heads up on when he was coming to stay with us for the weekend, and sometimes she would let it be a surprise. Milton is tall (6’2), always well dressed in the latest fashion and was an excellent basketball player. Forget Michael Jordan, we wanted to be like our big brother Milton Bostock. If we were outside playing and saw him coming down the street, we would run like wild maniacs to greet him while yelling “MIlTON!!!!!!”
Why were we so happy to see him? Because we missed him, we enjoyed our fellowship with our brother and we needed the connection. We needed those special moments where he took us to the park for a few hours to play, took us to the movies, or simply treated us to a soda, chips or some candy at the store. If you add up the dollar amount that it took for our big brother to make us happy, it wouldn’t amount to much. The true value is the time he took to come back home and spend quality time with his little brothers.
As men, we hardly ever express to other men how we truly feel about them. Once we swallow our pride and express to our brothers that we love them, we appreciate them, and that we want to have them around, the stronger the bond will be. Often times we disregard men’s feelings because we assume that they’ll figure out a way to get past their hurt and pain on their own, or with the help of a woman. In a brotherhood, you take care of not only your sisters, but also your brothers. A strong man can build a solid kingdom, so we must continue to encourage our brothers, empower our brothers, and work together.
Right when I started high school, two of my older brothers were incarcerated right around the same time, which left me and my youngest brother Joshua behind. I had just moved to Texas with my sister Jordi and my parents soon moved to Texas as well. I was in a new place literally and figuratively, I didn’t know anyone, I had no one to protect me, and I was a New Yorker living in Texas. It was my turn to be the big brother and protect my younger brother, as well as teach him the ropes.
I took great pride in it because Joshua looked up to me, he respected me and he was counting on me. I was tough on him, the way my older brothers were tough on me, but at the end of the day, it was all out of love. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but there was a lesson in everything that we did. Joshua and I are 4 years apart and we’ve shared a room at almost every place we’ve lived so I had the greatest advantage over all of our siblings to connect. I would come home and see him playing video games and I would ask “Did you finish your homework?” and of course he would always say “Yes”.
I could’ve trusted that he was telling the truth, but I’m much older and wiser and I used to pull those tricks as well. Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t figure out how he was able to get out of school, be at home for all of 5 minutes and have completed all of his homework. Needless to say, he had lied about doing his homework so that he could play video games; like many of us as children, he was an addict. Lol. Now that I think about it, I bet rooming with my younger brother was a complete setup. My parents planned for me to be his homework checker all along. lol
I didn’t mind checking his homework, or even asking him whether or not he finished his homework. In reality, I wish I had a big brother who would do that for me. Joshua would be annoyed at how I would constantly make him erase incorrect spelling and grammatical errors and get it right, but I assured him, he would be grateful in years to come. I needed for him to get his priorities in order so that he would be prepared for the real world. Outside of our classroom sessions, I let him know that if anyone messes with him, to come and get me. I was his big brother, sworn to protect him as my big brothers once protected me.
I remember back in 2008, I had just graduated from 8th grade and my mom had bought us Seasons Passes to Six Flags Over Georgia. I would go to Six Flags every single day of the summer. And then came the responsibility; my mom said “Take your brother Joshua with you”. Maybe she wanted the house completely vacant so that she could spend time alone with her husband (my step-father) but I’d like to think she primarily wanted my brother and I to spend more quality time together. J
My mom was quite clever, you never knew what she was up to, but in some way shape or fashion, she found a way to bring us all together. Breakfast, lunch and dinnertime was the easiest way to bring us together because us boys had huge appetites and were always excited about our next home cooked meal. Church was another way my mom would bring the family together; we hardly ever missed a Sunday. If all else fails, she would simply say “Go outside and don’t come back until XYZ time”.
My sister Jordi was the second oldest, and the only girl, so naturally we would protect her. She’s smart, pretty, ambitious and has a great heart, and had a close relationship with my mom. Needless to say, I formed an alliance with her early on in my childhood. J What I admired the most about my sister was her ambition, her drive and her ability to create something out of nothing. She would advise me on education, business and relationships, and because she was so successful at all 3, I was all ears.
I would write letters to my older brothers and send pictures, hoping they would be free soon, and my prayers were soon answered. After years of not having my brothers around, one came back, soon followed by the other. Time apart will allow you to see the value in being together. After so much space and time between us, my older brothers were no longer ashamed to introduce me to their networks, in fact, they wanted to be introduced to mine. And I couldn’t be more proud to do so because this is another opportunity I have to bond with my brothers.
I was thrilled to hear from my stepbrother Aaron recently, he told me he needed a suit for a special occasion. I haven’t seen him in years, but that didn’t matter, I wanted to have a closer relationship with him, so I was more than happy to help. We sat, we ate, and we talked about life, love and relationships for hours. Growing up we didn’t see a lot of him, but when he did come around, we were beyond excited to see him because we missed him and our fellowship with him. He was my stepfather’s son from a previous marriage, but we loved him simply as our brother.
In college, I met two brothers from another mother, Kerry and Khayri. We called ourselves “Triple Threat”, we graduated from Texas Wesleyan University 2008 in the same class but different fields, we were all athletes, and were very popular on campus. What I admired about these two brothers is they were goal oriented, intelligent, and they were extremely down to earth. We connected right away through our love for music, food, sports and of course the ladies. J We were there for each other no matter what and remain in constant contact long after graduation.
In life, you will come across many men who don’t have fathers, brothers or friends to talk to, bond with or network with. It’s important to be open and willing to extend yourself as a brother because there are men who are waiting for your fellowship, are missing your fellowship, and desire to have a closer relationship with you. It’s ok to be the listening ear, the shoulder to cry on or provide the positive words of advice to another man. That’s what being a brother is.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog “Women Want A Man Who Is Confident”
In effective leadership, you have to appear to be sure about yourself and your decisions even if you’re not. In order for others to respect your leadership, they first have to believe that you are bold enough speak up, speak out and fight for what you believe in. Most people are still searching for this air of confidence in themselves, so when they see it in you, you will give them something to model after. The sole purpose of leadership is to inspire others to achieve their goals; to be better, do better and have better. Before anyone else will believe in your mission and follow suit, you first must prove that you believe in yourself.
I decided to take up photography when I was a sophomore in college. I had no professional training, nor did I have all the professional equipment that a pro might have. All I knew was that I wanted to creatively capture people’s images. At first people were skeptical because out of nowhere I made a transition in my life and decided I wanted to photograph people. Capturing someone’s likeness or image is a very intimate moment and can make some people feel uncomfortable. It didn’t help that I was known for being the comic and wasn’t to be taken seriously at all.
I would continue to work at my craft despite my ignorance in the field, and other people’s doubts. I even had a to borrow a friend of mine’s point and shoot digital camera to get started. Over time, my lighting improved, my exposure was correct and my composition was spot on. I would take pictures of any cheerleaders, athletes and friends who would let me. I didn’t do it for the money, I did it for the passion; I loved photography.
It was right around the time when Facebook started to take off; I had access to friends from many different colleges in Texas. After posting samples of my work, my portfolio was grabbing the attention of students from all over and I was soon offered a photography position at our school newspaper “The Rambler”. Today, my work has been featured in major magazines, newspapers, books and other publications. The same people who wouldn’t allow me to take their pictures for free then, would pay me now. Had I not believed in myself, I would’ve quit at the first sign of rejection, which would have hindered me from my own success.
Often times, people will discourage you not because they don’t believe in you, but because they don’t believe in themselves. They don’t have what it takes to uplift you high enough; they fear that once you reach your goals, you will leave them behind. It’s up to you to be confident enough in yourself and your abilities, and open up the doors to your future. Doing so will inspire everyone who remembers where you came from and how much you’ve accomplished. In addition, it will inspire those who are in a position to help you get to the next level to work with you, as they will see value in your ambition and drive.
Confidence is so attractive because not everyone has it! When you don’t portray it, people will begin to doubt you. When you do portray it, people will begin believe in you. If you can manage to get others to subscribe to your thoughts, your ideals and your vision, then you will have attained true power! Without confidence, you will have a hard time getting others to subscribe much of anything you do.
Confidence helps build trust, as people will grow to rely on your leadership. Once that trust is broken, you will notice a decrease in moral. The thing they admired the most about you has been lost, leaving a ambiguous sense of direction. People who are looking for hope won’t feel comfortable being led by a man who isn’t sure about his next move. To avoid this, you have to be honest with yourself and figure out a plan for your life before including others.
Being confident in yourself or the lack thereof will tremendously impact your relationship with women. I know because I’ve lived it. After much soul searching I’ve been able to identify with my strengths and my weaknesses. This process has helped me to use my strengths to gather people who could benefit from them, and could also help me overcome my weaknesses. Not only did I have I have confidence in myself, but also because of who they were, we attracted one another and I had confidence in them.
It took years for me to gain confidence with the opposite sex; I was the second youngest of 5 boys and 1 girl and they seemed like naturals. It would amaze me how my brothers were able to walk right up to a woman, introduce themselves and then walk away either with her, her number or both! This was something I had never done before and I would hide how much I liked a girl simply because I didn’t know how to approach her. I was more likely to write her a love note and sent it through a friend than to walk up to her and initiate conversation. I was afraid of being rejected by a girl, but more importantly, I had not developed the confidence in myself.
Anytime I would hang out with my brothers or go places with my parents, women would say “Cheyenne is the cutest one” “Cheyenne is going to be a heartbreaker when he gets older” and all I could think when I was a child was “Pffffft yea right. I can’t even muster up the confidence to talk to a girl”. I was young, interested in getting to know a girl or two, but the problem for me was, I had not yet gotten to know myself. I didn’t take the time to give myself credit for all the great qualities I had or ones I portrayed on a regular basis. I had not taken into account that I had value, I had worth and that I would be a great asset to someone else’s life.
For years, I would pretend that I had lost my virginity so that my older brothers and male friends wouldn’t make fun of me. Sex? Pffft, I was a sophomore in high school when I got my first French kiss. I was shaking in my boots thinking, “Please don’t let her try to make a move on me”. The girls have always been attracted to me back when I was in school, I simply didn’t know how to handle the attraction. And for some reason, even in my teens, the girls I would attract would always be far more advanced than I was.
In a way, I suppose my slowness to get them in bed tremendously raised my value. I was very much sexually attracted to them, I simply did not have the experience, and wasn’t ready to put my reputation on the line in the event that I “came up short”. I was very popular at school, as I tended to focus more on personality and character than anything else. I was well known for entertaining and making people laugh, and that was an area that I felt truly confident in. The more my popularity grew, the more the girls grew to like me and wanted to get close to me.
To make matters worse, my family moved around a lot throughout my childhood, so I would constantly have to make new friends all over again. From Pre-K to 12th grade, I’ve attended a grand total of 10 schools. I was always the new kid, having to prove myself, fit in and stay relevant. This was a great experience for me as I had the opportunity to go to new places, meet new people and experiences new things that I wouldn’t have had I stayed in one spot. I was being prepared for the real world; figuring out how to adapt to any and every environment.
Then their was Homecoming, and then prom, both of which is was customary to invite a date. I knew exactly whom I wanted to bring to both of those dances however she was coincidentally taken. He was older, had more experience, had an edge and was the total opposite of me. I on the other hand was the good guy who didn’t take any risks, played things safe and didn’t offer any type of adventure. That’s when I had my epiphany; I then understood that a woman of substance wants to be led by a man who dares to be bold, dares to be different and dares to be great!
Whenever you come up with an idea and speak things into existence, there will be supporters and there will be doubters. What people will admire the most is the faith you have in your words, your strengths and your abilities. Once spoken, people will keep a close eye on you to see how far you’re willing to go to make it come into fruition. This is why some women are so turned on by guys who never stopped pursuing that after years of being turned down. Even after countless rejections, you are fearless in your approach, totally sure of yourself and hopefully that she will have a change of heart. What they see is a man that truly believes that if he stays focused and never gives up, that one day he will achieve his goal.
This paradigm shift made me look at myself in totally new light! I had everything I needed to attract a woman all along, I simply needed to love it, nurture it and when it was the right season, watch it bloom. There was nothing that I needed to do that anyone else was doing, I simply had to show a woman my worth and give her a reason to choose me. That’s where the saying “There’s something about you” comes from; people identify with a person who has successfully tapped into their true power and are capable of projecting energy that is desired by others. Confidence is attractive!
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
#ManDayBlog “A Woman Wants To Be Friends First!”
Good friends are hard to find, and that’s exactly what makes friendship with a woman so special. Throughout your life you will encounter many different women who are amazing for all sorts of reasons, but your friends will be few. A friendship with a woman is sacred because of the intricate details that go into why you are connected in the first place. Before you can unlock the door to a woman’s body, you must first unlock the door to her heart, and you’ll achieve this through friendship.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not sitting in no woman’s friend zone” and I’m with you on that. I assure you that you won’t have to sit in a woman’s friend zone, or waste your time giving your all to a woman who gives you nothing in return. What I’m about to reveal is one of the staples that are missing from many failed relationships. Often times we are so eager to pursue our physical connection instead of first focusing on a spiritual connection. Our goals are short-term which is why we as men often struggle with maintaining long-lasting relationships.
In order for you to be a great friend to someone, simply put, you have to have some sort of value. If a woman of substance sees value in you, she will likely want to associate with you on some level or another. If she sees no value in you, she won’t entertain the thought of building any kind of relationship with you. By value, I don’t simply mean monetarily because “spending power” attracts all women. By value I mean that there is something deep inside of you beyond the surface that makes its way above the surface and manifests itself to everyone around you.
When we hear the word friendship we sometimes think “platonic” and that’s not where I’m going with this. When I say friendship, I mean that you are connected to a woman for reasons that pertain to the heart. It means that there is a mutual respect for one another and there is also the possibility for growth. When you are apart, you figure out more and more ways to come together. You see value in her thoughts, her time and her resources and the feelings are the same.
A friendship is an outer body experience that will take your relationship to the next level. It is the foundation to a happy, healthy, longer-lasting relationship. Isn’t it strange how after a break-up some like to say, “We will forever remain friends”? If the friendship were true from the beginning, the relationship would have no end. Claiming to somehow miraculously manage to be friends after a break-up is merely a sign that one or both parties can’t let go. Real friends take the time to understand each other, and will do whatever is necessary to maintain the relationship. A break-up is a sign that the moral fibers that are found in a true friendship weren’t there.
Take a look around a construction site and the first thing you see is men laying down a foundation. Why are they doing this? They’re doing this because they understand that the foundation is the key to the entire development. In years to come when you see that the building is still standing, and there will be an even greater appreciation for the foundation that was laid down year’s prior. It’s an investment that needed to be made; skipping over this process would sabotage the entire development, as the building will have nothing left to stand on. Building on that particular spot at that particular time wasn’t by accident, they had a plan that was carried out through a wide array of partnerships.
Your relationship is the equivalent of a building development and a friendship is the foundation. Until you take the time to dig below the surface and do the necessary work on the ground level, you’ll stunt the growth of your relationship. By introducing the idea of friendship, you’ll open up the door for valuable insight that will help you move forward and up with your partner. If you skip over this process, you may miss this opportunity to even get started on a development.
First, a woman wants to know that you can be trusted information. This is a very simple test that any man can pass; simply make yourself available to her by listening and offering sound advice. Once a woman feels comfortable sharing information with you, she will constantly pour into you. Be genuine and sincere and she will invite you into her life. Show compassion and concern and you’ll become a go-to source for her to express her innermost thoughts and feelings.
Then, a woman will want to know that you value her time. If you’ve made plans with a woman, be sure to be on time, and if you cannot make it, let her know in advance. Being considerate of a woman’s time will keep you in a woman’s favor and will gain her respect. Canceling on a woman or showing up late will have the opposite effect and will cause her to lose faith in you as a suitable friend. A true friend in a woman’s eyes is always available, accessible and dependable.
In a friendship, a woman wants to know that you truly care about her as a person. Your attitude towards her will reveal everything she needs to know about the friendship. When it comes to a commitment, you should pursue a woman that you love and can tolerate. If you’re her friend, a woman will look to you to do both. If you can’t make it through a friendship, there’s no way you’ll last in a marriage.
Ultimately, that’s what building a friendship is all about; building something that will last forever. Once you become married, there won’t be any room for any other friendships with women, because remember, “Friendship is the key to romance”. All the time you’ve invested building a friendship with your lady was in hopes that it would lead to romance. Now that you’ve got her, she is your one and only female friend. To avoid conflict in your relationship, leave all off the other woman who are looking to build a friendship with you on the outside looking in.
If you need a woman to listen to your problems, turn to your lady. If you need a woman to do you favors, turn to your lady. If you need a woman to escort you to an event, turn to your lady. If you’re looking to go into business with a woman, turn to your lady. If you can’t turn to your lady for any and all of these things listed above, chances are you’ve chosen the wrong lady.
Since friendship is the key to romance, you cannot to allow another friendship with a woman to transpire once you already have one. Women are territorial and rightfully so; they don’t like the idea of sharing any aspect of their man with another woman. That includes your mind, body, time and resources; she wants you to remain exclusive with all of the above. The only person who should have access to these things is the woman who earned it; the woman you’re committed to. It is impossible to be loyal to two women at one time, and women are smart enough to know when another woman has her heart set on more than friendship because friendship was the route she took to get you.
A friendship is a test that a woman puts a man through before she rewards him with anything more. This gives her time to figure out who you are as a person, and how you’ll fit into her life. She’ll get close enough to see how attached you are to other women, the type of women who have your attention, and how emotionally available you are to receive her. Through getting to know you, you will reveal all she needs to know about your character, and whether or not she wants you to play a role in her life. In friendship, there is no commitment, however there is loyalty, which she will give you the opportunity to prove.
To be a true friend to a woman requires a great deal of loyalty, as it will demand your undivided attention. Women are notorious for paying close attention to detail, and they notice when you aren’t noticing them. She will know when your mind is divided between her and another woman because your time, energy, effort and resources will be scarce. By focusing your energy on coming up with new ideas to enhance your friendship with a woman, you’ll manage to stay relevant. Go the extra mile to add value to that friendship and you’ll eliminate the competitors.
It’s common for a man to pursue a woman for her body and overlook her mind, but that yields only a short-term victory. Use friendship as the foundation and you will tremendous value added to the quality of your relationship. With friendship comes true love, respect and honor and these things come in time. Take as much time as you need to develop the friendship, lay down the foundation and build on it. Friendship is the key to romance!
#ManDayBlog “A Woman Needs Romance”
If you haven’t noticed already, a woman of substance likes to take her time when it comes to being intimate with a man. She doesn’t like to feel rushed, forced or uncomfortable when it’s time to having sexual relations with a man. For a woman, the physical stimulation is merely a bonus that comes with the mental stimulation that initially gets her in the mood. They say “it’s the thought that counts” and it’s absolutely true! A woman wants her imagination to run wild thinking of all the things you could possibly do with one another before they actually happen.
More importantly, a woman wants to feel valued and appreciated beyond her physical appearance. She wants to know that you are ready, willing and able to invest your time, energy, effort and money into her outside of the bedroom. By showing her your appreciation through actions and in words, a woman will be more likely to open herself up to you physically and emotionally. The average woman has no problem getting a man to sleep with her, all she has to do is name the time and place. What a woman of substance truly desires is for a man to love her.
Loving a woman is what will differentiate you from the average guy. The average looks to come into a woman’s life, takes what he wants and then leaves. A man who is genuinely in love with a woman will not only have value, but he’ll see value in her and then finally he’ll add value to her. That’s the definition of a good man. When she sees that you’re different from the bad boys, she will want to do everything in her power to hold onto you. Getting a woman to be intimate isn’t difficult, all you have to do is show her that you truly love her.
Women love to feel special! They want to feel as if they’re the only girl in the world; above your mother, sister, daughter, female friends, co-workers and anyone else imaginable. And rightfully so; if this is your partner, she should without a doubt come first before any other woman, even mom! Have a talk with your father and he’ll tell you that you should put your woman first before any others. When you treat a woman like she’s your first lady, she’ll treat you like you’re her best man.
You don’t want to miss the opportunity to make your lady feel special because a woman will find a way to get the attention she needs. If she’s not getting it from home, you can rest assured that it will be only a matter of time before she gets it someplace else. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that everything is alright simply because a woman is no longer stressing the issue. When a woman stops caring, that’s an indication that she’s already moved on. A woman will leave you emotionally long before she leaves you physically. You might still see her, but you will no longer have her!
When it comes to romance you must think beyond sex. The most powerful tool you have as a man is your mind. Your mind controls every other aspect of your body and has the power to influence the actions of others. Show a woman your creativity and it will remind her of who she is to you and how you feel about her. Every time she gets this reminder, it will motivate and inspire her to live up to her position. Give it a try, walk up to your woman and tell her “You are my Queen”. It will have a great impact on her character, the company she keeps and the way she reciprocates her love to you.
Romance to a woman is about showing love, affection and compassion. Think back to when you were a child running wild at the park; it wasn’t enough that your parents brought you there, you wanted them to look at you and pay attention to whatever it is that you were doing. It was important to you to hear your parents say the words “Good job” or “Woah, that was cool”. It boosted your confidence and your esteem because they made you feel appreciated. Sure, they would’ve loved to talk to one another, engage with other parents or read a newspaper, but they cared so much about your well being that they made a conscious effort to take the time to validate you.
Believe it or not, women want the same special attention, love and affection that a child yearns from their parents. They want to hear you say “Dinner was excellent”, “You look great”, “I’m proud of you and all of your accomplishments”. Why? Because it makes them feel good inside. It affirms that you see value in them, you are supportive of them and you are they are significant to you. It shows her that you are paying attention to details and that you are actively involved in their lives.
Paying attention to the little things is what will open up a lot of doors for bigger things. For example, when a woman gets her hair done, give her a compliment, but this time go into detail. “Wow, babe your hair looks great. I love it when you wear your hair curly“. By doing this, you’re showing her that you noticed that her hair is different from before and also that you like her choice of style. This will motivate her to continue to maintain her appearance and further value your opinion.
I’ll even do you one better, arrange for a day for your lady to go and get her hair done (all expense paid). Not only will she be grateful for the special treatment and return looking and feeling like a million bucks, but she’ll rush back home to get your approval. All the while she’ll be at the salon bragging to her friends about how wonderful and thoughtful you are. While she’s at the salon, take care of the home, cook, clean and have a nice bubble bath waiting for her. She’ll be so swept away, she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you at the end of the night.
Now lets do a recap of what just happened. You took the time to schedule a hair appointment for the woman you love and got to benefit from having a fabulous looking woman by your side. You made time to clean the home you live in and cook a meal for your lady that you also get to enjoy. You ran a bubble bath for your woman and more than likely will get invited in. And finally, your woman is looking good, feeling good, smelling good and if you’ve played your cards right tasting good. It looks like being romantic has great benefits after all.
With only a small fraction of your time, you’ve been able to successfully finagle a way to do something that benefited someone else and is a result of your selflessness, it also benefited you. When it comes to dealing with a woman, that’s what being romantic is all about. Every woman loves to have sex, but she doesn’t want to have sex with a woman she feels is undeserving of it. Imagine your woman is a figure inside of a thick, cold block of ice. The woman will always be there, you simply have to warm her up to you.
Most men want to jump straight to the sex without any foreplay whatsoever, and that’s not the way women operate. A woman wants to be softly caressed, kissed, held and handled with care. This is why they call it a “gentle man”. As opposed to your usual rough and tough routine that you would engage in with your male counter-parts or people you don’t care about, a woman wants you to be gentle. Take your time, do it right and once a woman has completely warmed up to you, she’ll give you the green light to accelerate at anytime and anyplace.
Understanding the psychology of a woman is the key here. If you can’t tap into your sensitive side, you’ll have trouble keeping a woman by your side. A woman wants a man who is tough enough to protect her, be gentle enough to care for her. She likes to see the softer side of her man behind closed doors, and strong leadership skills everywhere else. A common mistake that many men make once they get the girl is they stop competing for her love and affection. It takes a lot to keep a woman in your life, but it only takes a little to lose her.
Maintaining a relationship requires you to constantly be proactive and stay relevant. No matter how many years you’ve been together, it’s in your best interest to make certain never to let the relationship get stale. There are plenty of things two people in a relationship can do to keep the fire going, and it’s up to you to lead the way. Your passion and your desire to keep your woman happy is what will be the fuel that keeps your relationship going. Happy wife, happy life!
Keeping a woman happy isn’t about spending tons of money or lots of time wooing her to no end. Women are more simple than you think; it’s not that they require a lot, they simply want you to be consistent. It’s no wonder she’s bored. For the first few years of the relationship, every other Saturday night was date night. 5 years in, she’s lucky if you’re even around on Saturday night. That’s no way to keep a woman happy. If you bring something to the table, the only way you should take it away is if you’re offering something better. If you simply take away the excitement with no counter-offer, she’s going to be constantly looking to try to get that old thing back.
Being romantic is as simple as doing the things you know she loves. For example, women love to be kissed on the forehead and held tightly. It reminds them of a love they have, had, or wish they had with their father. It’s non-sexual, comforting and it gives them a greater sense of security. It doesn’t cost you anything more than your time to hold your woman tight, kiss her on the forehead and tell her you love her. It won’t cost you a fortune to schedule a spa day for your lady and take her out to dinner.
The actual planning process itself turns a woman on. Women love surprises and will greatly appreciative of an unsuspecting adventure orchestrated by her man. A woman loves a man with a plan, it shows his ability to lead, it shows that he cares and it shows that he is confident in himself and his abilities. All of these matter to a woman. A woman loves a man is always busy taking care of his business, but is never too busy for her.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
Visit our website: http://www.askcheyb.com
Like our page: http://www.facebook.com/askcheyb
Follow us: @AskCheyB
Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
askcheyb.wordpress.com 