I’m seeing a guy that I’ve met at church, he’s seems really nice, a gentleman, a Christian, great company and fun to talk to. We are very much attracted to one another, but have never have sex. He’s never invited me over to his place and he’s been to mine, but hasn’t spent the night. I recently found out he used to date a fellow church member and I’m not convinced they are completely through. I once found a “passion mark” on him that he claimed I put there. What should I make of him and his sketchy behavior?
A: Thank you for your question. All signs point to “you are girl #2”. When a man is emotionally available to connect with a woman, you’ll know by how much he invests his time and his money. A man who is emotionally unavailable due to ties to a current relationship or a previous relationship won’t give all of himself to you, only part of himself. In other words, you will be a convenience to him when he is not focusing on the woman who is a priority in his life. You’ll get a text message, email, and maybe even a phone call here and there.
He might entertain you for things that might appear to everyone else as “harmless” such as a “meeting” at a coffee shop or a chat on a bench at the park, but he won’t invest in things that will indicate to everyone observing that you are actually “dating”. The reason he hasn’t spent the night is because he either has to make sure to call his main woman before going to bed, has to be alert if/when she decides to call, or worst has to come home for the night. A man in a relationship can easily buy himself a few hours of time by claiming to be at the gym, reading/studying, working on a project for work, etc to avoid any interruptions from girl #1, and this is when he has a small gap of time to spend with you, girl #2.
He hasn’t jump the gun with sleeping with you yet because he is now aware that you are aware of how close you are to the woman he is still involved with and he has to make a choice of how involved he wants to be with you, as not to ruin his relationship with her. By not having sex with you, he can pass your relationship off as a platonic “Christian” friendship. Just two church going friends “hanging out”. Even if he’s guilty of kissing and touching, he can still save face and more than likely will be forgiven should you decide to bring this information up to girl #1.
The passion mark, him not inviting you to his place, him not spending the night at yours, and him not making an attempt to sleep with you should all be a red flag that his heart is with another woman. Otherwise, he would’ve tried to sleep with you from day one. The reason he’s pursuing you is because yes, he finds you attractive, yes he wants to sleep with you, but chances are, the more the two of you talk, spend time, and connect, the more he sees you are falling in love with him. Since he’s not emotionally available, he doesn’t want to increase your desire to grow closer to him by sleeping with you. He’s instead using you for your time, energy and resources until he figures out how to remain in both of you ladies’ favor.