#ManDayBlog It’s Important That You Too Know Your Worth

We always warn women about the dangers that come with dealing with men, don’t we? We sit them down, talk them death, and even try to segregate them from the male population as if we’re some sort of plague. The reality though is that danger can come from any gender, any angle, and any relationship. The brothers are often overlooked when it comes to these forewarnings because society expects us to simply know how to protect ourselves or worst, bounce back after we get used, abused and mistreated. Today, I’m here to tell you that just as sure as a woman should know her worth you too should know yours.

As men, there are two things that we value the most and that is our money and our time. After all, we work hard to get the things we have and we shouldn’t have to fork it over to anyone who hasn’t earned it. There are plenty of charities out there that we could donate to if we’re feeling generous. You have a busy schedule and it’s hard enough simply being a man and surviving, let alone investing time and money into a woman. For this reason, you should place high value on your time and money.

As you continue to expand your network, you will meet many beautiful and successful women. Some of which equate their success in their career to value in a relationship. They’ve got their college degree(s), nice car, house, great career and the list goes on an on. They treat themselves to fine dining, trips around the world, they’ve got friends who are well-known public figures and they consider themselves high class. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “How do any of the things listed benefit me?”

I’m glad you asked! As quality men of substance and as leaders, we don’t look for a woman to provide for us, chauffer us, or connect us. As men, we take pride in providing for our family and ourselves, getting behind our own wheels, and making the connections. Doing these things makes us feel better as a man, so meeting a woman who wants to do it for us isn’t our type of woman anyway. However, there are many women who feel as if her material things have value to a man and will try to use it as leverage.

I remember meeting a woman online who was a very popular in the modeling industry, she was gorgeous, had a body to die for and clearly was highly sought after. None of those things mattered to me, I simply was interested in meeting and interacting with her to see if she had any substance. We would talk and I would ask questions that would require her to give substantial answers that would help me draw certain conclusions before our first date. As a relationship expert, I do come across women who are interested in mental stimulation and nothing further. To a woman, they call that a friendship, to me I call that a client.

While talking to her, she would speak of another guy she was dating which was a red flag that she wasn’t interested in me, and I played along. I would listen to her relationship problems and give very vague answers like “Oh my” or “I see”. After all, she hasn’t hired me to be her personal relationship coach, so what made her think I was interested in listening to her relationship problems? I continued to listen because sometimes that’s all a person needs, and she was content with that. We made a little bit of progress as I was able to conclude that her heart was someplace else.

Prior to us meeting, she made clear that us getting together wasn’t a date, and I obliged. Right then, and right there when she made it clear that it was not a date, that’s when the terms changed. Now, we’re simply two friends meeting, chatting and enjoying each other’s company. As friends, we mutually respect one another’s time, energy, effort and money and neither party has expectations of the other. Normally when I got out with my friends, it’s understood that we are all adults here and we are responsible for our own bill.

Not women; some women feel they are entitled to have men pay their bills, treat them to dinners, and provide for them. Boy did she get a wake up call that day. When I think of a first date or a meet and greet, I’m thinking a coffee shop, walk in the park, or someplace where can focus on one another and talk briefly. In this case, I had forgotten that I was dealing with a woman who felt she was entitled to royal treatment. I made the mistake of letting her choose the place to go and it cost me more than I would like to invest in a woman who had no interest in me.

We went far out to a nice Sushi spot where we sat and dined. I ordered maybe 6 pieces of sushi because I only ate sushi for taste, I didn’t eat sushi to get full. Meanwhile, she ordered maybe 20 pieces of sushi, kinds that she never even tried before simply because she thought it was going to be all on me. I asked her “Are you going to eat all of that” and she replied “Oh I’m going to take some home with me”. Now this is our first time meeting, so I felt insulted that she would so recklessly order everything on the menu. After all, that’s not something that friends who respect each other would do.

I knew right then and there that if this is what she expected from me every time we went out that this would be the very last time we went out. I don’t mind investing in a woman, but when there’s no return on the investment, it’s just spending. I had no interested in spending on her or any woman for that matter, and I needed to send a clear message right away. I paid the bill plus tip (around $80). It wasn’t about the dollar amount it was about the principle. That $80 could’ve been better spent on a woman who deserved it and was genuinely interested in me.

After leaving the sushi spot, she requested that we go someplace else, and I thought to myself “Oh no! You’re too expensive”. In her mind, this was her opportunity to get treated and entertained on my bill. She thought that she was doing me a favor simply by being pretty and showing up. In my world, these types of women come a dime a dozen. We decided to stop at a bar for a drink; I figured it couldn’t get too expensive there. She ordered up again, and I sat back in delight just watching her.

I would smile, drink, clink our glasses together with a “Just two friends hanging out” look on my face. The bill came to about $60, and to teach her a lesson about respect for her peers, I said, “So this rounds on you?” and she replied “No”. I asked “Why not?” and she said, “Because I don’t want to”. I then said “Well if we’re going to be friends, we need to pay our own bills like friends do. And since I just paid the last bill which came up to $80, you can cover this one”. She obliged, but was so bitter that a man stood up to her usury that she decided she no longer wanted to be friends.

She was gorgeous, fun to talk to and she had her own money; in fact I saw hundred dollars bills just lying around her car as we departed. It didn’t bother me that she no longer wanted to be friends because she didn’t treat me like a friend. No matter how beautiful or popular she was, that didn’t add any value to my life. If a person doesn’t add value to your life, they need to be subtracted from your life. She was used to walking all over men, and getting whatever she wanted from them, and I wouldn’t allow her to do it to me. For that reason, I wasn’t her type, and I whole-heartedly agree.

You should never be the type of man a woman can take advantage of unless she is willing to reciprocate. You should never feel obligated to use your time, money and resources to accommodate a woman who has nothing invested in you. You should never equate outer beauty to inner beauty and confuse it with substance. You should never have to compromise your beliefs out of fear that a woman will abandon you. You should stand firm, know your value, know your worth and partner with a woman who has proven herself worthy.

On any given first date, $80 is way too much money to invest. A first date is about dialogue, getting to know the person and seeing if there’s enough interest to pursue a second date. A brief 30 minute meet and greet at a coffee shop will suffice. If there’s no interest on the first date, all you’ve lost was 30 minutes of your time and a few dollars on a coffee and muffin. If the date did go well, there will be plenty of opportunities to invest more on a second date. By now, you know she’s worth it and you don’t mind putting forth more effort.

There’s nothing wrong with a man having standards and setting requirements for a woman. In fact, that should be your protocol when it comes to dating and relationships. Bringing something to the table will determine whether or not she gets to remain at the table, so pay attention to the value she’s adding. The same way a woman can require you to do certain things to win her time, you can do the same. Women respect men who know their value and are bold enough to stand for what they believe in. If you don’t know what your value is, take some time away from dating and relationships to figure it out.

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Life & Relationship Expert

-Cheyenne Bostock

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