Anytime I talk to a client about marriage, I like to equate the union to a business. Marriage is a full-time job and requires a lot of work, which is why I admire those who have taken this step and are still together. It’s a new stage of life that requires a lot of change, and quite frankly can be scary for someone who’s been single (not married) their entire life. Not only do you have to try and figure out what you’re going through emotionally, but now you have to consider someone else’s feelings too… FOREVER! If you’re considering getting married, know that the idea is for it to last a lifetime.
My mother was married to my father before I even came out of the womb; he passed away when I was only 1 year old, but by the time I was old enough to identify people by their names (it seemed), she was married again. Mostly all of my aunts and uncles were married, and I got a pretty good grasp of what it meant to be married growing up. I looked at it as a bond between two people that could only be separated by the two people who formed it. They would keep to themselves and only share information that they agreed was for the public.
It’s a challenging lifestyle change as it demands a great deal of your time, energy and focus, but it has its benefits. That’s why I say marriage isn’t for everybody; marriage is only for the ready. When I think of marriage, I look at it as an upgrade to every relationship you’ve experienced in your past. The difference is, this is the one relationship that you don’t quit on or walk away from when times get bad. This is the relationship that you roll up your sleeves and repair the damage that’s been done, and you do it together.
In my line of work, I meet countless people who are in marriages and are trying to get out for various reasons. Often times, the reasons are small, but at the same time are huge. I once spoke with a woman who was married to a man in the military; she was young and had a child by him. She explained to me that he was a great guy, he did everything for her and the baby, and the problem was that she simply wasn’t attracted to him. Her reason for marrying him was to benefit from his benefits. On the one hand, he’s overseas protecting our country and looking forward to come back to the U.S. to embrace his wife and family. On the other hand, she’s back at home and miserable because didn’t plan on living out the marriage she entered into.
Countless divorces take place for similar reasons and will continue to rise if you go into it not planning to do the work to make it last. Yes, it’s a sacrifice of your time, resources, body and soul, but that’s what marriage is all about. Your willingness to be selfless for the benefit of your wife is what will make her love you til death. Once you start loving, you can’t stop, otherwise you’ll cause conflict in areas where they should be resolutions. The same time, energy, and effort you put into your job in order to stay relevant is equivalent to how should approach your marriage.
If you show up late to work or don’t show up at all, the boss will for sure call you into the office to discuss this change in behavior. Your value to the company depends on your ability to produce at the company. If you stop producing at the company then before long, they will no longer require your services. Being in a marriage is no different; your value in the marriage depends on your ability to produce in the marriage. If you stop producing in the marriage then before long, she will no longer require your services.
It sounds a little harsh, but it’s true. We only have one life to live and no one wants to spend a lifetime with someone who isn’t willing to put in the work to make him or her happy. Just imagine your favorite thing about your wife is for her to cook, and she stops cooking for months on end… You’d be miserable and looking for a way to get out of it. The marriage is only fun if both parties are doing what they are supposed to be doing to make it work. This is why getting to know each other is so important because you get to see where one another’s strengths and weaknesses lie.
You don’t want to wait until you’re married to get to know your wife. She should already be a wife before you meet her and that needs to be the reason you fall in love with her. If she wasn’t wife material when you met her, she certainly won’t change into it after you marry her. When you take the time to get to know her, she’ll express her morals and values, and from there you can do the same. You then can decide whether or not this is someone you would like to build with based on her values.
Your values combined have to be strong enough for the two of you to hold onto and use as a standard for your growth and prosperity. If a woman doesn’t have a strong value system, chances are you won’t truly value her. What that does to the marriage is cause you to view her as unworthy, which will impact your desire to perform as a suitable husband. In the event that you settle on a woman with poor values, you must take responsibility for making that choice. You’re the leader, and should take pride in having the knowledge and wisdom to make good choices for yourself and for those who depend on you.
When you’re single, there isn’t much pressure because there’s no one particular woman who is depending on you. In a marriage, your wife is depending you and you are depending on her. She expects you to protect her against any force or enemy at all cost. She expects you to provide for her, be her source of entertainment, and her shoulder to cry on. If nobody else is there for her, it should be you; this is what you signed up for and this is what you are expected to do.
Get excited about your marriage; having someone there for you through thick and thin is a wonderful thing. Part of the reason why many relationships are broken and are breaking is because there’s no sense of loyalty. Since there’s no legally binding contract keeping them together, they simply walk away when times get rough. Being able to see the same face each and everyday when you’re up and when you’re down is a blessing that many people wish they had. It’s something that a lot of us men secretly aspire to have, but most are simply not ready for.
There are a lot of men who actually have the gift of marriage, but unfortunately don’t treat it as if it’s a gift. They take it for granted because they feel as though the woman they married isn’t going anywhere. In fact, these types of brothers still haven’t come to understand the true value of marriage; they simply got married for her. For him, nothing has changed, same friends, same heart, same mind, and the same ways. He appreciates the convenience of a marriage, but doesn’t value the sanctity of a marriage.
His attitude towards his marriage is what will cause it to fall apart. If a marriage isn’t built on love, it will eventually crumble. Have you ever gone to the customer service area of a store only to find a representative who has absolutely no desire to serve the customers? I have, and the first thing that comes to mind is, “If you don’t like to serve customers, why apply for and accept a customer service job?”. The answer is quite simple, they didn’t apply to and accept the job to better the company, they applied and accepted the job to better themselves. Meanwhile they are hurting the company because repeat business depends heavily on the service provided by the company.
The same applies to a marriage, no one is forcing you to get into it, but if you make that choice, put in the work. The success of the marriage depends on you and your partner’s diligence and it simply cannot thrive without it. You should want to be your wife’s everything so that she won’t have to depend on another man for anything. When your wife is in need, she should turn to you, and you should be there to deliver. Morning, noon, or night you should be readily available and accessible to her.
Be proud of your title as a husband because not a lot of men have it, in fact not a lot of men deserve it, and that’s what makes you unique. You are one of the many who was brave enough to commit to a life-long journey with someone and that is a great honor. In order for you continue to be held to this high esteem, you must stand by your wife, be loyal and faithful. You must remember your vows and stay committed to them and you embark in this new territory. Marriage isn’t for everybody but it will be for you if you strong enough to fight until the end of time to keep it alive.
Many great things will come from your hard work and dedication as a husband. You have the opportunity to spend many birthdays and holidays with your beloved wife, bear children and raise them together. You’ll be able to take pride in presenting your lady to the world as your wife. You’ll be a beam of hope and light to the many who aspire to take on the challenge of marriage. Best of all you will be able to give and receive all benefits of staying on the job with the woman you love.
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Life & Relationship Expert