Q: “It’s been 11 years, we live together and have kids together… Why won’t he marry me?”

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with my daughters father for 11 yrs now! Our kids are 9 and 4 and he also has an older daughter who is 14…we been living together 7 yrs…Im 31 and he’s 33. We have our ups/downs but we make it work. I want to get married sooner rather than later and he wants to wait…for what idk! In 2010 we were planning a wedding, put a deposit down on a spot and months later he said he wasnt ready and that we should wait because we werent ready financially. I said to him why not go to the court house and he didnt want to do that either, he never gave a reason why. I feel like Im basically wasting time. I love him and I want this life with him but I also want to be married. He says it will happen but years go by and nothing happens. Should I hold on or should i give up?

A: We are all “born” into relationships. We have a committed relationship with our parents or caregivers from ages 0-18. There are a world of restrictions and limitations during this period, so it’s a healthy choice to “take a break” from relationships, get out of the house, breathe, explore new things, and experience independence until you’re able to love, protect, and provide for yourself. When you can do all of these things for yourself, you’ll then be interested in connecting with someone who can at least match or exceed what you bring to the table.

When you first hit 18, a new world of opportunities will open up for you that weren’t always available during your stages of adolescence, and it’s healthy to explore some of these options and get it out of your system before you reach an age where these things might be unacceptable or not possible to do. Enjoy your 20’s while you have them. Use your 30s to get married, have kids, etc. Your 20’s is a great time to go to school, travel, establish your career, save money, party, date, meet new people, and simply enjoy the young life!

Boys chase girls for sport from as early as the toddler stages of their lives. A young man won’t know what to do with a woman until he figures out what to do with himself. The women he encounters during his early stages of adulthood will be a “test” run, because he’s still trying to establish himself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. If at any point in a man’s life a woman offers a man sex, food, and peace of mind, he is there to “stay”. Him staying is not indication that he will be loyal, nor is it indication that he will upgrade you or add value to your life. Him staying is merely an indication that he’s found someone who offers him “contentment”, and he is ok with having contentment for the time being, while he discovers who he is and where he wants to be in his life.

When pursuing a relationship, you want to make sure you are the best person you can be so that you can attract the best people. If you are emotionally available, financially stable, and have a spiritual connection with God, the person you settle for should possess these same qualities and be willing to share their world with you, and to continue to help you grow as a person and as a couple. Both you and your partner should have what I like to call “The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Relationships (According to AskCheyB)”. Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. Without any one of these habits, your relationship is destined for failure.

There are millions of men in this world and you only need “one”. Not everyone person you meet will be the person you’re destined to be with for the rest of your life. When you get to know a person, you gain access to the heart behind the flesh, and you have the opportunity to see who they are, and how much of themselves they are willing to give to you. When you come up with this analysis, keep this person around based on the value they are capable/willing to add to your life, as opposed to what you would like for them to add to your life.

You may come across a man who’s a millionaire, but him being a millionaire benefits “him” and his life. His large bank account is no indication that he will share his assets with you. Get to know him and gain access to his heart to see if he’s a) giving and b) willing to give to you. Many people see what they want to see in others based on what they feel they can gain from them, and they ignore clear cut signs that this person has no genuine interest in investing in them. To avoid this from happening to you, focus on your education, career, happiness, health, and future. Focus on a man only when he starts to focus on you.

As a young teen, boys hormones are raging beyond control and in most cases, there is nothing he can do about it except masturbate or find a young girl whose esteem is low enough to let him have sex with her. When he finally comes of age where sex is acceptable, encouraged, and explored, he looks to get sex wherever it’s “free” (i.e. Requires no commitment or investment). Women who are free can be spotted from a mile away; it shows in their character, and they are heavily targeted by men who want nothing more than sex.

Once a man decides he wants sex and nothing more from you, that is the highest level you will ever achieve with him on a genuine/sincere level. Being honest with yourself when it comes to what you have to offer is one thing that will save you from giving yourself to a person who is not willing to give themselves wholeheartedly to you. If you have a lot of money, a phenomenal body, or an abundance of resources, you will be a target that men will constantly try to hit, and continue hitting, but only when it’s convenient for him.

Once you give a man sex, you give up the only leverage that you have. This is the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex. A marriage is symbolic of a couples level of commitment to God and to one another. A man’s last name is priceless, and you will come to find that a man would rather give you his body, his time, and his money long before giving you his last name. Sex is a man’s “ultimate goal”, so if you give it to him while dating, give him a baby, move in with him, etc during the dating stage, you are giving him the benefits of marriage without the actual marriage. Since he already has the marriage, there is nothing motivating him to pursue an actual wedding/marriage.

When a man sees value you in a woman, he will do any and everything in his power to become exclusive with her before anyone else discovers this “diamond in the rough”. Once he’s been able to establish exclusivity, he will do everything in his power to “keep” it. Most importantly, a man knows whether a not a woman is a candidate for marriage (for him) before he even meets her. He then invests his time, energy, money and slowly begins to open up his heart to her just to be sure. When you meet a man who wants to grow with you, he will give you more hope than doubt! If he gives you more doubt than hope, you should re-evaluate your position and go where you’re celebrated!

Time should be used wisely, shared graciously, and invested in people in things that yield a return. If there is no return on your investment, then your time is being wasted on something that is not adding value to your life. A relationship is only beneficial if the two of you are “sharing” your world; if the union isn’t mutually beneficial, then one or both parties isn’t meeting the requirements of the relationship. When a relationship is no longer beneficial to both parties, it’s time to do what’s best for you and for your children (if applicable). Be independent when you’re single, and interdependent when you’re in a relationship.

A man is supposed to lead, protect, and provide for a woman! Before he can lead, protect, and provide for a woman, he has to first be able to do all of these things for himself. Not every man will be worth following, so be sure to follow God until he presents you with a man of substance who adds value to the woman you already are. Wait on the Lord, not on man! While you’re waiting on the Lord, you are working on you and preparing yourself for what God has in store for you.

A marriage is supposed to be until death, so make your wedding day a one time deal. Make this day a memorable moment shared with family, friends, loved ones, and in the presence of God. A wedding is symbolic of a couples willingness to invest in one another; a celebration of the commitment/devotion they have for one another and plan to exhibit until the end of time. Not everyone is deserving of a date, not everyone is deserving of sex, and not everyone is deserving of a last name. Commit to someone who has earned the rights and privileges to be with you, and has a genuine/sincere interest in being with you.

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Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

One thought on “Q: “It’s been 11 years, we live together and have kids together… Why won’t he marry me?”

  1. Great piece Chey! On point as usual. Can you give me your worpress adress? I want to promote it but I can never remember the address.

    Thanks!
    Velma

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