Congratulations to Tionna Smalls on publishing yet another book “Men Love Abuse”. I was able to make it to Hueman BookStore in Harlem where she had her book signing February 2, 2012, just in time to get my signed copy and meet her and her lovely family. Thank you Ms. Smalls!
We support those who are pursuing their dreams and are on a mission towards adding value to the lives of others. “Men Love Abuse” can be purchased on http://www.Amazon.com
Book Review- “Men Love Abuse”
When I first heard the title “Men Love Abuse”, I was immediately intrigued! I was curious to know where the author was going with this and what possible theories she could provide that would confirm that men do in fact love abuse. The book is small enough to fit in your pocket, it’s easy to read, and the content flows smoothly, so you’ll be done reading in one sitting.
“Men Love Abuse” proved to be quite entertaining and I enjoyed reading it. I wanted to get a woman’s perspective on what they “think” men want/like. I was hoping to agree and come back with a blog praising Ms. Smalls on her ability to identify with the mind of a man, however, the information in the book catered to only one type of man. (i.e. The man who’s no good and isn’t worthy of your time/energy/effort). Which leads me to believe that the woman holding the pen, and the women who apply these strategies mentioned in this book (maliciously) are still in search of that good, quality man who has New York swag with southern values.
Throughout this book, I’ve found many strategies on how a woman can toy with a man’s time, money, and occasionally his penis, but no strategy on how a woman can take care of a man’s “heart”. Targeting a man’s heart is “the” solution to keeping a man of substance interested in you. If a woman can figure out what’s most important to a man, what he’s passionate about, what he loves, and somehow tap into it, plus add value to it, he then will want to keep her around. If a woman gives her time, energy, effort, and sex to a man without accessing his heart, this is a sure sign (to the man) that she is in his life for personal gain, and is not capable of adding value to his already valuable life.
Men nor women “love” abuse. Love is something that you do and feel! You find love first by looking in the mirror. You begin to love/value your outer beauty, but more importantly, you learn to love/value your inner beauty. One of our biggest issues is we never look in the mirror and evaluate ourselves… we instead step outside of our comfort zone and seek validation from people looking from the outside at our outer appearance. These individuals will tell you exactly what you want to hear so that “they” can benefit from whatever it is you have to offer, and not what you need to hear in order for “you” to benefit and grow from their feedback!
When you love yourself, when you identify with what love is, and when you know what love feels like, you’ll know exactly who and what to avoid when it’s not what you’re used to getting. We have to learn to accept people for who they are and learn to reject them for that same reason! It starts with “you”. No matter whether you have a good heart or a bad one, you will attract everything that you are. With this in mind, if you have a bad heart, poor character, no morals, no values, then this is the type of person you are going to attract. Halle Berry doesn’t attract drug dealers on the corner. But Lil Kim does! These observations hold true because of the characters they portray! You attract everything that you are!
The book “Men Love Abuse” doesn’t speak to an audience such as “Michelle & Barack Obama”. It speaks to an audience such as “Papoose & Remy Ma”. With this in mind, there is a wide range of individuals who won’t be able to relate to the issues described throughout the pages. For example: “A man taking a woman out to eat, not eating, and complaining about menu prices.” This would be unheard of to men who are financially stable and looking to date a woman. This same scenario would however be very common to a man who is broke and just looking to have sex with a woman and not court her.
The character of the men described throughout the pages of this book should not even be considered for dating/relationship/marriage potential. They certainly do not deserve the honor and privilege of having an entire book dedicated to their “nothingness”. “Nothingness- A person’s inability to add value to your life.” A woman should never lose hope in finding a good man. She should instead lose hope in the men she’s found that weren’t good.
Before dating can be considered, a woman must work on herself mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Once you’re available in all 4 areas, you will walk, talk, act, and feel differently. And even better, the men you walk by, the men you talk to, etc will feel this energy, and be attracted to you like a magnet! And he will be a man who has these same qualities that you bring to the table. You won’t have to anything more than “be yourself” to get the man. Once you’ve got him, you can use “strategy” to keep him (based on everything you’ve learned about his likes/dislikes).
The key to having a happy/healthy/longer lasting relationship isn’t to “abuse” the person you’re fond of. The key is to love them, like them, and do everything you can to stay relevant. One strategy that will work well would be to add “mystery” to your relationship (i.e. Don’t get stuck in a routine, mix things up, keep it hot/fresh and exciting, but in doing so, stay true to yourself and your partner at all times).
We all have relationship problems! And when there are problems, there needs to be “solutions”. Fighting fire with fire (i.e. Abusing men who abuse you) does not dowse the flame, it ignites it and in the end “everybody” gets burned! If you come across a man who is not financially, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually stable, that is a problem. But it’s not “your” problem… it’s “his”! The book “Men love abuse” suggests ways of dealing with men who have problems! The solution to meeting men who have personal problems that they need to deal with can be summed up in 7 words. “No, thank you. I am not interested!”
I have what I like to call “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships” (According to AskCheyB). Respect, Love, Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Support, and Communication. If your relationship is lacking any of these 7 things, it will surely fail. “Abuse” is a sure fire way to build resentment, and will result in a “tug-of-war” type of relationship where both parties are figuring out ways to get revenge for the pain inflicted by the other. The cycle can & will end once you remove hate and include love into your heart and the hearts of others. Once you start loving, you’ll stop hating. Once you stop hating, you’ll start loving!
When we counsel one another on relationships, there has to be a “goal” in mind. What results would you like to yield? Do you want for “yourself” to win and your partner to lose? Or do you care enough about yourself and your partner to put together a strategy where you both come out winners?
Women have always been smarter than men, stronger than men (mentally/spiritually). What’s happening in this new generation is women now feel the need to “prove” that they are who they are. Educated, self-sufficient, independent, and can do everything a man can do. We men are well aware of a woman’s capabilities, however we do not want to see our ladies paying for dinner, opening up her own car door, and doing heavy lifting. We want you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of being a woman. <<< Vulnerability! Proving yourself to society that you are who you are reveals an insecurity that lies deep within your soul. Insecurities are a love repellant btw.
When you give a man your time, your words need not “demand” respect. The way you carry yourself should “command” respect at all times. To “demand” respect suggests that respect is something you’re not used to getting, and if you’re not used to getting something, this new guy certainly is going to want to be the first “sucker” or “loser” to give it to you. If/when a man does not treat you the way you would like to be treated, let that be the last time he treats you. He can learn how to treat a woman from his mother or the next woman, but not “you”. Give men zero lessons on how to treat a woman and never correct his actions.
Men of substance already know how to behave, what to say, and what to do! As a woman, it’s important to know your role and play it well. When you know your role, it’s easier to perform and let the supporting actors play their part in the movie. If he’s not “acting right”, you can step in and call “cut” at any time, but when you do, you replace him with whomever you have available on standby. Yes, date multiple men at one time! You’ll be so busy with work, life, and dating, that you literally won’t have the time to give to a man who doesn’t meet your standards and requirements.
“Men Love Abuse” would make for a great “diary” of a woman’s past trials and tribulations with men who are no good. An encore for a new book titled “Men Love to be Loved” is definitely in order describing the authors “new” experiences with men, as well as the experiences of the women in her immediate family, her close friends, and other women she associates with.
Love & Life is a game (singular) played by strategy. Avoid those who play games (plural) for they are not designed for both parties to win!
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Life & Relationship Coach