How to avoid a lustful relationship, and build a relationship of substance…

Anytime you have the desire to enter into a relationship with someone, you should begin with the end in mind. Success is measured by one’s ability to reach his/her goals, so if you want your relationship to be successful, set goals for yourself and work towards achieving them. Different people value different things, and this is especially true when it comes to the opposite sex. Some people value sex with no strings, some value monogamy, and some simply value no sex at all. Since values differ from person to person, it’s important to discuss morals, values, and principles with the person you’re getting to know long before getting emotionally and sexually involved. Sharing the same morals, values, and principles is a great way to start off any relationship, and it will help you attract the men you need, and avoid the men you don’t.

Sex is great, and it plays a huge factor in any romantic relationship, however… all relationships and all things have to be built on a solid foundation… otherwise, it will eventually crumble. The foundation that makes a romantic relationship last longer is best known as friendship. Friendship is the key to romance! Through friendship, you will discover a great deal of pertinent information about a person’s character that will help guide you towards deciding whether or not this person is right for you. Most men won’t have the patience to wait 90 days for sex, but these are the types of men you want to avoid. 90 days isn’t a deadline for sex, but more so a probationary period that allows you to feel him out.

Within a 90 day period, continue to live your life as you normally would, which will give you both the space and opportunity to miss one another. When you can find the time, talk to one another over the phone and share details of each other’s lives; this will give you a list of great topics to spin off of on date nights. While getting better acquainted over the phone, you may even come to find that you’re not interested in pursuing anything further than platonic friendship, and opt not to go out on a date. If you find this person to be interesting and if he possesses the moral fiber you look for in a man, by all means, give it a try.

The goal here is to establish a foundation that you can fall back on for those times when you’re not in the mood to do anything more than simply be in each other’s company. It’s quite difficult to have dinner, cuddle, or stare in the eyes of someone you have no chemistry with, so look beyond the physical attraction and try to establish a deeper connection. When you’ve developed a spiritual connection with someone before sex… the sex that comes later on will merely be a bonus. I believe in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships (according to Chey B). This requires your partner to be 1) Respectful 2) Loving 3) Honest 4) Trustworthy 5) Loyal 6) Supportive 7) A great communicator. With these key things, your relationship will be destined for greatness.

Since we’re on the topic, sex shouldn’t even be a factor during the “getting to know each other” process because the focus should be on spending time getting to know each other. The beauty of life and love is… not always knowing what’s going to happen next; look at sex as a way of saving the best for last. Develop a solid friendship with your potential mate, and figure out if he possesses The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Relationships. While getting to know the guy and spending time with him, you will develop a spiritual connection or disconnection even. With that spiritual connection intact, the sexual connection that comes along with a marriage will be all the more special. The old saying goes “Good things come to those who wait.”

After waiting to enjoy one another on a deeper level of spirituality (sex), you will have built up such uncontrollable feelings for one another, and once you release it, you will have taken your relationship to a whole new level. After proving your love through the sanctity of marriage, it becomes clear that you genuinely love, care, and value this person. At this point, you’ll feel more comfortable with being vulnerable and communicating any problems you may face throughout the relationship. If, for example there’s something that your partner isn’t doing right in the bedroom, you can work on it together and make your sexual experience even better. Practice makes perfect!  For better results in your relationship, start from the inside, and work your way out! This practice adds value to your relationship and helps you to avoid getting stuck in a sexually charged relationship that lacks substance.

Men enjoy earning their keep, and they place more value in things they’re required to earn. Giving a man sex with no strings is like a boss giving an employee a bonus he hasn’t rightfully earned. While a man may appreciate you for giving him your body, he won’t value you as much as he would have, if he earned the privilege. When you start your relationship off with sex… every encounter you have with one another will be sex driven, and sex will be the only thing he looks forward to. He instead should be looking forward to getting to know you and getting better acquainted.

When you start things off with sex, you give up what he considers to be the highest level of achievement with a woman; not to mention, you’ll have missed out on the opportunity to get close to his heart. A man will without a doubt show you who he is after sex, and that may or may not be a good thing. After you give a man sex with no strings, he won’t feel obligated to get to know you or allow you to get to know him because it was never a requirement. Now you’re stuck with a man you’re physically connected to, but spiritually and emotionally, he is completely disconnected from you; leaving you feeling worth less.

One of the purposes behind the idea of waiting until marriage is for you to enjoy the pleasures of sex, but with the one person that you truly love. By being monogamous, you reduce your risk of becoming pregnant by someone who feels they have no obligation to you, being infected by STDs, but more importantly it shows that you value yourself and the relationship you have with your partner. Waiting for sex seems foreign to men today because so many women give them sex right away without requiring anything at all. Men are interested in being married, but so many women fail the wife material test by giving him too much too soon without any requirements.

When a man is looking for sex, he’ll place high value in a woman’s outer beauty, but when a man is looking for a wife, he’ll place even higher value in a woman’s inner beauty. The way for a woman to find a man of substance is to simply be a woman of substance. Focus on being the best woman you can be in every aspect of your life and quality men will inevitably take notice. When a man sees a woman who knows how to take care of herself and others, this is indication of how she could potentially treat him. The same principle holds true for the Diva who is full of herself and can think of no one but herself; this type of spirit may attract men who are interested in sex, but might repel men who are interested in finding a wife!

There’s more to life than having mind blowing sex in abundance, and if you’re interested in having a relationship that provides more than a sexual experience, plant the seeds and watch them grow. It’s important that any and every relationship have chemistry for starters; from there it’s simply a matter of where both parties are positioned in life. Being emotionally, spiritually, and financially stable will play a huge role in whether a not a man is ready, able, and willing to commit. So be sure to get to know as much about his position in his own life, before giving him a position in yours. Begin your relationship with friendship, and if things don’t work out romantically, you can at the very least, leave with what you started out with. Every person you allow into your life should be an asset to your life, not a liability; choose wisely!

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Life & Relationship Coach


19 thoughts on “How to avoid a lustful relationship, and build a relationship of substance…

  1. Nice article Mr. Chey, if I may comment?! Like you mentioned, what’s important in a relationship depends on the individual. When coming together these individuals’ ideas of what’s important should be common. Often times a mix-match happens because we are infatuated with a person physically and omit the “what’s important”to satisfy our lustful desire. Agreed! Friendship is key 🙂

  2. I have always thought that a good friendship would allow you to know the person’s character and help you decide if this is a person you want to become closer too. But in one of your blogs you said that men and women cannot be friends because the man always has sexual motives.

    So why is there a contradiction to what you said earlier?

    For me, allowing myself to become friends with a male and through observation of him with others, is the best way to measure a man’s character and possible compatibility. It also helps me see what attracts me to that man outside of sexual lust.

  3. Oh my god i just told that to the guy I’m getting to know I’m glad i read it it confirmed that I’m.on the right tract to greatness i want a great husband and a life time partner in order to get there u have to start things off right as friends sex shouldnt be the focus cause there were time where i let sex control the guy was and ass and i thought he was amazing cause sex was awesome and got hurt badly i so love this one it my favorite

  4. @Kia- Thank you for reading! You make a great point! We totally ignore the heart because the desire for the body enslaves us. When you seek friendship from the beginning, your mission focuses on something more meaningful, and in the end, you still get to enjoy those wonderful pleasures, but with a new foundation.

  5. @Velma- Thank you for reading! Sex is the ultimate goal when a man pursues a woman. He must be creative with his approach if he wants to be successful. Using friendship as a “way in” is a great tool, however the chemistry between the two while attempting to establish a friendship will determine just how genuine & sincere he will be in the future. If there is no true chemistry, he will use extreme “strategy” to get into a woman’s pants and that will be the completion of his mission. If there is chemistry, he will continue to pursue a woman, and invest his time, energy, effort, and money into her in hopes of becoming closure to her on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

  6. Great blog, very informative but how about financial stability and ambition in a relationship how does that have an effect?

  7. What if your partner is content with where they are at in life which isn’t anywhere to you, or not even working towards financial stability? Is that relationship headed for disaster

  8. Good write up CheyB. I recently came out of a relationship because the guy wouldnt let me know him first. He wanted to have sex first of all. I knew its not the right thing to do and as much as I liked the guy I had to let him go because we didnt have the same goal when it comes to sex.I still feel hurt whenever I see him but I am happy I didnt let him have his way. Girls be careful no matter how handsome or rich a guy may be, never let him make you do what you dont wanna do.

  9. It’s me again 🙂 I just had to tell you that this post really grinds with me (I agree with it, highly). I only wish that more people would keep the end in mind (luvin the late Covey’s stuff!). I find that being celibate has relieved me of so much grief that my female friends have all gone through by having sex before marriage. I always think to myself, is the act of having sexual intercourse with a man so important to you that you would risk your sexual and mental health? I have been told that because a man goes into the woman, a woman loses a piece of her emotional self each time she has sexual intercourse. I mean if you really just want to have an orgasm than do it the Dr. Jocelyn Elders way…buy some toys..some 50 Shades of Grey and get happy on your own time. Sex before marriage is just not worth it too me. Forgive me if i sound like a prude, but I could care less what someone thought about how I value my sexuality. I am a woman of substance and character. Now and always. Thanks Chey! Keep up the great work…WHERE IS THE BOOK!!!

    1. @Mack1298- Thank you for reading. Sex certainly changes the dynamic of a relationship. One should always begin with the end in mind so that what they get out of the relationship is what they sought out from the beginning. My book “Food, Sex & Peace of Mind” (What A Woman Needs To Know To Keep A Man) will be coming soon. TBA

  10. I’m referencing the subtitle of your book (What a woman needs to know to keep a man.) Isn’t it true that you can not keep someone who does not want to be kept. So many women will do whatever it takes to “keep a man”. I personally don’t believe that you have the power or authority to keep anyone who does not want to be kept. You will in the end wind up spent.

  11. Pretty good article for women who want to follow the to do list of men…. Although, I find no fault in women who are celibate as I am currently involuntarily in that place.. Meaning I find no man, I deem worthy or interesting enough to give it to. However, I know from experience, and from the story of others, that it can also be a very sad thing to have saved yourself for a “good” man only to have bucked on a master manipulator. I’ve heard stories of virgins who ended up married to homosexuals or worst, disease ridden jerks simply because sex wasn’t that big to them (some men get off on money and power so they can wait on sex) or they had a chic on the side or they view you as a big enough mark on their bed post that will play the game and wait your A$$ out and the longer you make them wait the worst they will hurt you when they leave you… I have seen and heard it all.. I say this to say, don’t be fooled, take off the blinders and start living for YOU!

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