Q: I am currently going through some major life changes such as being laid off from my job, recently being in a car accident where my car was totaled and just an overwhelming feeling of loneliness on top of other things. I am aware that I have a lot of baggage at the moment and don’t have much to offer a relationship. I personally feel that I should put dating on hold but, there is a guy being very persistant and wants to take me out. I don’t feel comfortable as a woman putting myself in a situation where I have to explain all of this to him. My best friend however, feels I need to date and that if a man is truly interested this will not be an issue because my situation is temporary. How do you suggest I handle this?
A: While it’s customary for a man to protect and provide for a woman, one has to remember that these are privileges that are given to the “deserving”. Protecting a woman and providing for a woman isn’t an act of charity, it’s an act of duty towards the woman who’s earned a place in that man’s heart. When you’re single, you are expected to be “independent”, so that when you get into your next relationship, you will have enough to offer to make him comfortable enough being “interdependent” with you.
There will always be someone who sees value in you (on some level or another), but it’s more important that “you” see value in yourself. This way you’ll be able to place a “price” on what you feel your worth is, as opposed to letting the men who are interested in you dictate that value for you. You want to be “self” confident, and you want your esteem to be high before you let someone get close to your heart. If you allow another person to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence, then they can also lower it at will. If you allow someone to have this type of power over you, you place yourself in a vulnerable state where you may be at serious risk of being hurt, used, and abused.
There will never be a shortage of men. They are everywhere and they are here to stay. Take as much time as you need to focus on yourself and your responsibilities. Be sure that when you’re finally ready to date that you are confident in “yourself”. If you lack confidence do to your financial situation, your emotional state, or what have you, it will show. And if these insecurities are sensed, you put yourself in a position where a man will be prompted to play on your emotions and go into “manipulative” mode (which means everything he does from that point will be for “him”.
Kindly let the guy know that you are not ready to be romantically involved with him and you need to be alone for awhile. If he’s smart, he will simply date other women and stay focused on his life and his responsibilities. In time… if/when you’re finally ready to date, he can comfortably begin pursuing you again (if he’s still available). If he pressures you, run!!! Because now, he’s showing impatience, lack of confidence, lack of discipline, and most importantly… lack of respect! And these are not admirable traits to have in a relationship.
Life & Relationship Coach