The Type Of Woman A Man Looks For When He’s Ready To Settle Down…

For ages, men have valued women solely based on their physical beauty, ignoring the possibility of exploring anything more. Some of the powers that be include a woman’s ability to seduce a man into doing any and everything she wants. This is partially true; for a man will allow a woman to persuade him into doing only what he is willing to do. The things that are off limits will remain off limits unless he decides she is worth such privileges. It’s easy for a woman to get a man into bed, but what’s challenging is getting a man to commit to a relationship or propose marriage. This is where we cross over into the realm of a man’s values.

It sometimes takes a man years to understand that not everything that glitters is gold. That a beautiful face and a phenomenal does not equate to a warm, loving heart, or a woman of character. For years he will follow his eyes and ignore his heart, struggling endlessly to turn that sexy, seductive, sex slave into a beautiful, sensual, wholesome lady he can be proud to take home to his mother. All the while, he bypasses the beautiful, sensual, wholesome women at the library, at the grocery store, or at church because he doesn’t see the value in being with that type of woman, but this is also because he hasn’t learned to value himself and figure out his own worth.

After a young man gets out of a long-term relationship with his parents, one of the first things he looks to do is find himself and figure out his own way. One of the things that are forbidden in most children’s home is having the opposite sex over for company. So now that he’s left the nest, one of the first things on his mind is to get sex and lots of it! He’s filling a void that’s been missing for the past 18 years of his life, and he’s going to indulge until his heart is content.

Despite the years of teachings delivered by his parents, the last thing on his mind is being a mature, responsible adult. Breaking away from the parents is a man’s time to be a man and explore the world through his own eyes! While he’s in this young, wild, immature, and promiscuous stage of his life, he will look to associate with women who are just like him (i.e. Young, wild, immature, and promiscuous). He’s not interested in finding a woman of substance just yet, because he himself hasn’t become anyone of substance.

At first glance, it may appear to a lady that “H**s be winnin!” because all of the young men flock to the women who are fast and easy, but this is only true if you view giving up free sex, with no commitment, to every Tom, Dick, and Harry” winning! These women are only valued throughout the duration in which they are able to produce the amount of sex and benefits men are after. Outside of the bedroom, h**s are worth less, they’re only worth more to the men who value sex without a commitment. Do not be discouraged; these are the men you want to avoid anyway! Quality over quantity!

These very same women who give up years of their lives sleeping with men without any requirements will come to find that they are merely stepping stones for these men. A man who is on a journey to finding himself will encounter many different jobs, many different fashion trends, and many different women long before finding his true identity. As the years roll by and a man matures, you’ll notice he starts to do away with old fashion trends, he moves on to better paying jobs/careers, seeks out higher paying positions, and associates more closely with quality women. These things were all stepping stones that reflected the person that he was at that particular point in his life, but will no longer be present in his future.

While strippers and porn stars have amazing visual and sexual qualities, they are what men consider to be a fantasy, and he wants to keep his fantasy and his reality totally separate. He’ll come to watch her perform merely for entertainment, he’ll spend a fair amount of money on her, and he’ll even engage in a sexual rendezvous, but after the climax, it’s back to reality. His reality is work, family, friends, and life; he finds pleasure in experiencing a fantasy from time to time, but he doesn’t want this side of him exposed in his regular everyday life. What he expects from a stripper and/or porn star is entertainment, nothing more, nothing less!

To settle down is to have experienced all that there is to experience up until the point of exhaustion, and reaching a level of contentment. With this in mind, it will take a man years of having loads of sex, with an abundance of women, with no strings attached before he is ready to genuinely and sincerely settle down with just one woman. The same applies to his financial stability, it may take a man years of spending frivolously, making costly mistakes, and not valuing a dollar before he finally decides for himself to be more responsible. No matter whether it’s money, fashion, or women, a man has to surpass certain milestones in his life before he’s ready to become a man of substance and have a shift in values.

Before a man even thinks of settling down, he has to be emotionally available; meaning he there is no one in his life, and nothing in his life preventing him from opening his heart to you. Finances (or the lack thereof), are one of the key factors in determining whether a not a man entertains a woman, and it also narrows down which woman a man chooses. If he’s not financially stable, he again will bypass the women of substance and seek out the women of suspense because quality women require more of an investment. It’s not that a man is not interested in quality, but at this point in his life, he’s unable to afford it, so in the mean time, he’ll entertain those woman who will settle for little to nothing.

Again, it may seem as though “H**s be winnin!” but this relationship is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Some men get into a relationship (with a woman with no requirements) as a way to save money on rent, get free sex, meals, and other resources. They know from the start that they don’t want a future with this woman, but the opportunist in them, says, “Hey, it’s better to get free sex, meals, and a roof over my head than to struggle alone.” While that may be his initial plan of action, what happens is he gets caught up, gets comfortable, and ends up staying far longer than he planned. He’s now fallen in love with a “stripper”, hasn’t thoroughly planned an exit strategy, and is now angry with her because he’s fallen in love with a woman he never imagined he would. His plan was strictly business!

If it hasn’t already, that relationship will turn verbally and possibly physically abusive. He’s not only hating you for being who you are, but he’s secretly mad at himself for being who he is and finding himself  in this position. He makes himself feel better about being a man of poor character by channeling all of his anger and negative energy towards you! Had he been focused on his own independence, he would’ve never even considered this type of woman, he instead, would have gotten himself emotionally and financially stable, and he will have then sought out a woman who matches everything that he is. When you seek out a relationship when you’re at your worst, you’ll find yourself matched with an individual who also is at their worst (on one level or another).

It’s easy for a woman to get a man through sex, but she’ll never be able to keep him. Sex only keeps the men who only value sex around; if you’re looking for a man who values more, then you’ll have to present yourself as a woman who offers more. Once a man makes up in his mind who you are and where he wants you to be in his life, that’s exactly where you’ll stay. This could mean you’re his fantasy or his reality.

You want your future husband to be a man who has established who he is, and where he wants to be in life. No matter how long it takes him, or what he had to go through to get there, you want a man the man who finds you to be spiritually, financially, and emotionally secure. A man who is independent, has taken a spiritual journey, and has experienced life will at some have a strong desire for something more! When he reaches this point in his life, he will bypass all of his past conquests because he’s been there and done that, and he’ll look for that woman of substance; the woman he’s been ignoring all his life.

He’s ready to be a man of integrity, a man of honor, a man of substance, and start building upon his legacy. As an independent man, he’s now interested in finding an independent woman whose interested in coming together and gaining interdependence. He realizes now that he can do anything by himself, be he can do more with the help of a quality woman by his side. A woman who only accepts a man when he’s at his best, and won’t settle for anything less. A woman who will take her take, get to know a man, value her body before giving it to him, and set standards/requirements before giving herself to him.

He finds this woman by simply observing how she carries herself, and how she handles other people. This is the same approach he used when finding a whore when he was younger; he would target women who have love self esteem and are desperate for any man to be a part of their lives. Now that he’s grown and matured, he’s looking for substance, not suspense, so this time around; he’ll be looking for a woman not only with his eyes, but with his heart! Now that he’s all grown up, he’s learned to value himself, women, and relationships, and he’s ready for a commitment.

A man will treat you the way you treat yourself, so if you’re a stripper on a pole, he will degrade you in the same way you’re degrading yourself. If you’re a server at a soup kitchen in a shelter, he’ll see you as warm, compassionate, loving, caring, and giving, and he’ll treat you that way. Contrary to popular believe, the key to finding a good man isn’t to go looking for him, but instead take a journey and find you. A woman who exhibits poor character automatically disqualifies herself from being a candidate for a relationship or marriage. If you possess the qualities that men look for in a wife, he will seek you out as soon as he is ready for that level of commitment.

Life & Relationship Coach

-AskCheyB

37 comments
  1. Adaeze said:

    That is wonderful !

    • Just for fun I’m gonna step in here: virtually none of the seemingly factual things the writer was stating about men, women, relationships and especially statement that, “for a long time men only valued women for their physical beauty. That sounds right to a certain group of mostly immature men; however, in the chronology of male to female, it turns out men look for three major ‘levels’ of women to mate with. 1. Pretty, bubble, ‘cheer leader type looks. Due to being able to find ‘pretty by the dozen on every city corner, Their value is low; their not rare and somewhat vacuous in intellect. 2. Beautiful -there are far less beautiful women than pretty women so that alone makes them more valuable and truly beautiful women can be of help to husbands in their careers. 3. Attractive..most highly valued of all – .attractive has very little to do with asthetics. It has most to do with who you are and what you are. If you are a caring soul by nature, many times put the good of the other over the good of yourself, if you cannot stand by and watch ‘wrong’ against the human heart take place in front of you without severe intervention; it’s not that they are just really nice, it’s that they are indemically noble and could do no other than give their lives for others; the motivation is beyond the will. This we call ‘meta-woman'; loyal to a fault, strong and cokragous, soft and soothing to the soul and as loving and lover as is humanly possible. These are highly ‘decent’ people and unfortunately many times adversaries confuse ‘decency’ with ‘weakness’. With the attractive woman this would be a major mistake. They never, never speak of their true worth and why; however, they are all very aware of it and act and react accordingly. This ‘next to a real angel; type of female, if she feels you have insulted or demeaned her – will without hesitation break your frigging jaw without thinking twice. An ‘attractive’ woman is a wonder to behold and the man who can steal her heart has got to be up in the strata somewhere himself. [/William Rogers, PhD. Biopsychology,Clinical :Psychology, Behavioral Psychology, Consciousness Studies and Psycho-Biology. ]

      • kgee said:

        William that was very insightful and I think you’re on to something. As is Chey, because youth has its price :-) But William, “attractive” has always been an awesome goal regardless of outcomes!!

  2. faceoff said:

    Who are you again??? Chey what??

  3. Carla McDonald said:

    Profound! Thank you for your insight.

    • AskCheyB said:

      @Carla- Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate that. Please share this blog with your friends. Thanks

  4. Jacqueline Haney said:

    Informative:-)

  5. tasha said:

    That was a GREAT insider!! It all makes sense now.. WOW!!

  6. Prisy said:

    @CheyB as usual this is a wonderful piece,I appreciate this I appreciate you and I hope to learn more from you!

  7. yasmine said:

    Thank God for CatholIC sCHOOL AND my mum who has always held ‘hon,they will sleep around but when they do remain standing;dont indulge in the same and u will never regret keeping your dignity”

  8. Kila Lynn said:

    Reading your blog really made me feel good about me and the woman I am. After my last breakup, where my ex cheated with an aspiring model/actress that is in rap videos, I started to question what was wrong with me! I guess he felt sorry for her because now she works for him at his company. I have a career, my own firm, my own house, my own money… “Why her over me,” is what I asked myself. But reading your blog I see now he was not ready for a woman of substance! I know from dating him he was not where he wanted to be financially nor in his business. He also lived with his brother in a house their dad owns. He has not yet reached independence and now I have a better understanding as to why he chose her over me. Thank you!!

  9. Theresa Thomas said:

    Very insightful!!! Thanks for sharing…

  10. Gigi said:

    can you be his reality and fantasy?

  11. Muthoní said:

    totally understanding am of substance not of suspense, Currently single and understanding why í should appreciate myself and value myself more. Thank you

  12. priscilla said:

    All this is true and some very wise words in this blog. But in between hoping or waiting for a good man to come along… what about when one feels she’d like just plain sex with a nice enough man. is that wrong? or should i keep my legs crossed even if that takes me another 4 years. thats how long i been waiting and though i want a good man, i also sex…only human

    • Nestle said:

      where do you live? you sound like someone who is real but i will like to know you if you don’t mind because i also want a nice lady. my email is neetlov@yahoo.com

  13. Lynn said:

    hmmm…this article makes me sad. As a women it sounds as though I have to wait around for a man to have his fun but wanting anyone of substance. Especially in the black culture, it seems men aren’t finished playing until 30+. What is a women of sustance to do when she is interested in a real relationship but finds bums? Additionally, why are women of substance then left to take men who may have had a very ugly past?

    • My sentiments exactly. It is very unfair that a woman of substance has to wait for a man to run around and have his fun and loads of sex (which may have left him with some stds) and when he decides that the is tired of all the running around and wants to settle down, then he will decide to pursue the woman of substance. By this time he may have had several children and multiple baby mothers and possibly a lot of baggage that he now wants a woman of substance to deal with. There is some truth to the article from the male point of view, but am saddened by it. It seems that these types of articles are normally geared towards black women and what awaits some of us when we are looking to settle down and marry SOME our black men.

  14. Cocoalady said:

    Very interesting article. I read Lynn’s comment and I agree. As a woman, I do feel that we have to wait around for a man. One of the main things that bothers me about dating and relationships is that women are held responsible for how a man behaves. We are always told to respect yourself, leave something to the imagination or don’t show too much skin because if a woman leaves little to the imagination, a man will disrespect her and only want sex. All I know is that I dress very appropriate and I still meet grown men who wants me to “kick it” with them at their place. To me, it doesn’t matter if a woman is covered up or dresses scantily clad, a man will want sex. I’m not playing the blame game, both men and women need to step up and be mature. If a man can make time to be with his boys, go clubbin, or work, or go to the mall, then he can make the time to get out of his neighborhood and get to know a woman properly. If a woman has to respect herself to get a man, then a man has to respect himself too for a woman to have interest in him by not requesting a woman to come over and “chill”.

  15. Etim said:

    Deep*

  16. Kim Day said:

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog. I just wanted to say while every man or woman are created equal, every man/women are not equal. Our value & worth is equivalent to the value/worth we give ourselves. Some males/females never grow up or understand that their value & worth is given by God, our creator, no one else. I liken this blog to this scripture: “When I was a child, I thought, spoke… like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

  17. Mitzie Mcpherson said:

    This blog was yes very profound, and it put a lot in perspective. But I have toagree with some of the comments, it does seem like us women are helpless, powerless in the game of love and our role is to just sit, be wholesome and good and wait for the mature man of value to find us. If we aremproacti e in any way in going out, approaching men we are seen as too aggressive. If we express that we have physical desires and needs and want those fullfilled wether its with mr right or mrmwrong we arem viewed as sluts. As always in the game of love men seem to always ad forever be in control

  18. So Very Right said:

    there are not that many good women left to meet, let alone just to find that one good one.

  19. Carrie said:

    This can’t be taken serious ! It hasn’t even been spell checked!

  20. Ginger said:

    This describes my man to the T!

    He – at 48 – has chosen to have a serious relationship with me after years of sex without commitment (many partners) and very few serious relationships (none of which ever met his family – only I have). We have known each other for over twenty years (I being married up until two years ago) but started seeing each other after I was divorced.

    Everything seems to be moving in the right direction. But I – being a woman who didn’t sleep around and who views sex as something that is special for when I am in love only – am having a difficult time dealing with the 50+ he has been with. No, I don’t SAY this to him, but it’s heavy on my mind and I wish I could get past it.

    Can you explain to me HOW the one night stands and the Short term sexual contacts are so easy for a man (and some women) and how they can do this without being in love or having attachment??

    Can you also explain to me how sex is different when it’s real love vs non committed sex??

    Finally, how can a man give up that freedom and want to be committed ?

    How can he enjoy sex with a woman who doesn’t have a “hot” body when he has been with many who have?

    If I could ask him this, I would. But I know it sounds insecure (which I am about certain things) …

    • ann said:

      i have exactly the same questions ..did you find any answers?

  21. Ms. Anonymous Noelle said:

    Wow! This was such an eye opener to me. I haven’t even finished reading but I had to stop and comment.

    This happened to me…all the way through but I am the quality woman. With that person for 5+ years and around the 3rd, everything started falling apart. Cheating, lying, blaming me for the turn of the relationship; everything. Thought we were working on the relationship but nothing really changed, seemed to keep going back to the same thing.comes to find out he got in a rebound relationship and was still in it, still is now.

    I don’t know if it’s comfort that makes them stay but it hurts. Especially when they are giving you one rap saying they want to be with you and marry you some day but then they are living with the rebound. I see it’s about maturity level and opportunity. I don’t treat people like that because I’ve been through so much! I really wanted better. Guess it’s just time to let go, not everybody is going at the same pace.

    Thanks for the read!!!!!!

  22. Melody said:

    Decent and classy women usually don’t want to marry men who used to sleep with sluts when they were younger.

  23. HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!

    Thank you for your article! It touches my heart deeply because I have recently went through something similar case .About 3 years ago my husband left me and 2 of our kids for 3years to another woman. During this years of our separation I was so broken, so I finally went to a friend of mine who directed me to a spell caster Dr. Akim who helps me in reuniting my family and then i felt peace and felt whole love again. After the casting of the love spell, My Ex-husband offered me a job, to work at his His company. so I obeyed and went. After working together in 1 week we had come closer & starting dating and hanging out as a family with the kids again, Dr. Akim has restored our marriage in a way I have NEVER expected, but I’m truly Thankful!

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    Best Regards

  24. WOG said:

    Uh uh. Spellcasting is witch craft, sinful and manipulative. It won’t last because the foundation is tainted…just letting you know, Bradley Speck.

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